Girl in physics and I hate the attention :[

[ice109]

i took a picture of a student in one of my classes one day to show to people who would ask what it's like to be a physics major - the kid was picking his bare feet in the middle of e&m lecture!

 

[Tedjn]

Off topic, but if I understand you correctly, you are saying that you have not met a single physics major as hygienic and social as you...? Tough luck if so.

 

[shelovesmath]

Just give them a pity *&^%.

No, seriously, I'm not sure how to deal with this. I made one male friend in my Calc class that didn't act awkwardly around me.

Good luck.

 

[jreelawg]

Hey you sound like a cool chick. Want to go gets some coffee sometime?

 

[stevenb]

It's going to be a lonely two years if this keeps up and I'm not looking forward to that :( Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

This is definitely a tricky situation, but I'll try to give you some perspective. I think very few people make friends with everyone in their department. Personally, I have very few real friends in life, and I think this is true of the majority of people. You're too young to realize this perhaps, but later you will know your real friends because they will stay friends for life. The friendship may take the form of a phone call every year, and a visit every 5 years, but the bond will stay intact. Trust me, there will only be a handful of these friends when you someday make a final reckoning.

So what practical advice can you take from this. There is 1 woman for every 11 men. So, try to make friends with 1/11 of the men (choosing the most promising from the bunch) and try to make friends with all of the women. Note that I said TRY. Then just accept whatever number of friends you end up with from this subgroup. Whether that ends up being zero of them; or all of them; or something in between, ... well, that's life. If you end up with too few friends with this method, there are other places to make friends at a University.

 

[Pengwuino]

My friend died of AIDS eventually.

... What the hell? Why did you throw that in?? Normally I'm not the type to say anything but good lord, that was the most random killjoy statement I've ever seen thrown into a post. :

As for the OP... you just got to suck it up and deal with it. As for whoever says just have sex with them, that is the stupidest idea I've ever heard in my life. I'm sure you're smart enough to realize what would happen to a bunch of lonely guys if they find out there's another physics major who just has sex with people they aren't in a relationship with.

The fake ring idea is possibly a good idea depending on whether or not you'd feel bad about lying. There's always the risk of people finding out and losing respect for you, but then you have to ask if you even care about being respected by such people. I think most people who have any control of their mental facilities would understand why a girl would do something like that in such a situation. At least I think that would be the case... personally, though, my department's single males can be counted on your hand so I'm not sure how well I can gauge your situation. Unfortunately, the guys I know can be very pathetic and imagining an entire department full of guys like that would be... frightening. Amongst other things, I wouldn't think the fake ring trick would even work!

 

[TMFKAN64]

You might be one woman surrounded by a group of 11 men, but statistically, one of them is probably gay. Figure out which one, and invite him for coffee and geek out all you want.

 

[JRDunassigned]

MissSilvy,

I was wondering if... maybe... you know if you have the time... well...

 

[PaulS1950]

As a minister I counsel couples. I have a few pre-marital questionaires that you could use to send most of the guys running but you might find compatible partners too. It might just be easier to be rigidly straight with them and tell them exactly what you are and are not interested in doing within the limits of your relationship with them. There will be some that will think this is just a challenge but after repeated cold shoulders they will usually move on to easier targets. Set your boundaries and keep them constant. Be assertive without regard for their feelings - if you have to do that they aren't listening to your feelings anyway. If all else fails get sidekick and keep her with you anytime a situation might be a problem. It would have to be someone you can trust completely and someone you know has no feelings for you other than that of a friend.
I wish you well in this matter (this is where I usually say, "If you need to talk my wife and I are available") but this is a bit of a blind encounter and you have no way to know whether I am who I present or not. See if there isn't a counsellor or pastor locally that you can talk with and exchange ideas with until you find your solution.

 

[Norman]

My suggestion: find the guys who already have girlfriends.

We do exist (or I did exist... since I am far removed from undergrad life) in the undergrad physics world. Not all physicists are the cliche nerds and odds are that some out of the group do not hang out with the rest of the major also.

I was always very good friends with the fellow female physicists. I thought it was my winning personality, but maybe it was because I was engaged or married (depending on the time frame) and I didn't pose the threat of the awkward "wanna go to dinner with me" moment.

Just a thought.

 

[Pattonias]

Many years ago I studied in a field nontraditional for woman and in fact where I studied it I was the only woman.
I bought myself a cheap wedding ring and just acted married.

I knew it knew it! To how many other girls have you passed on this tactic? They all can't be married.

 

[jreelawg]

For me, the more I try to get a girl to like me, they don't. The less I act interested, the more they like me.

What you should do to win miss silvy's heart, is act like you are not at all interested in her. Be a good friend, but never let her think you like her romantically. At the same time, make sure that she knows your strait. Talk to her a few times about other girls you think are attractive. She will already be your friend at this point, and she will wonder why you don't like her romantically. Girls in this position will usually try and seduce you like it is some kind of challenge.

Or you could shave your beard, and lay out in her office with a broken back, like in something about mary.

 

[waht]

For me, the more I try to get a girl to like me, they don't. The less I act interested, the more they like me.

What you should do to win miss silvy's heart, is act like you are not at all interested in her. Be a good friend, but never let her think you like her romantically. At the same time, make sure that she knows your strait. Talk to her a few times about other girls you think are attractive. She will already be your friend at this point, and she will wonder why you don't like her romantically. Girls in this position will usually try and seduce you like it is some kind of challenge.

Brilliant strategy.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Brilliant strategy.

It's strangely true. The girls who used to end up having a crush on me were the ones about whom I felt the most neutral. It seemed to constitute some sort of challenge for them to get me to consider them special, and they would, in fact, resort to seduction sometimes.

 

[cronxeh]

Its pathetic and pointless. Playing games with people's emotions has long term unforseeable consequences that you are not prepared for.

 

[stevenb]

Its pathetic and pointless. Playing games with people's emotions has long term unforseeable consequences that you are not prepared for.

I completely agree that this is true on a logical and intellectual level. However, romanance strategies and games are an instinctual behavior in humans. Those who don't play by the love-rules end up losing at love. This is why the saying goes that "all is fair in love and war".

But we are getting off the OPs point a little. She has made it clear that she wants to take a break from playing the love games. She is focusing on other things right now. Just as it's fair to use love strategies to win over someone you desire, it's also fair to be blunt and hurt feelings to rebuff someone making unwanted advances. We all do it occationally, and we all take it occationally. Then someday, we (hopefully) find the right person, and are a little wiser from the experiences.

 

[deRham]

"ust as it's fair to use love strategies to win over someone you desire, it's also fair to be blunt and hurt feelings to rebuff someone making unwanted advances."Honestly, I think this is less effective. Just don't acknowledge their advances much, and treat them as just offers to be friendly. Trust me, as a guy talks to a girl more and gets used to her, his hormones cool, assuming the girl isn't a big flirt. This whole "be assertive, and just study alone if you need" thing is missing what MissSilvy even wants. Awkward guys who get a little stirred up by the one girl in the room can be different if you give them some time and destroy the mystique behind the "cute girl in the physics department" figure.

 

[stevenb]

Honestly, I think this is less effective. Just don't acknowledge their advances much, and treat them as just offers to be friendly. Trust me, as a guy talks to a girl more and gets used to her, his hormones cool, assuming the girl isn't a big flirt. This whole "be assertive, and just study alone if you need" thing is missing what MissSilvy even wants. Awkward guys who get a little stirred up by the one girl in the room can be different if you give them some time and destroy the mystique behind the "cute girl in the physics department" figure.

That is good advice as long as the advances are not too aggressive and allow room to be friendly and to interact in a normal way. But, I'm assuming the advances are more bothersome, otherwise why would the problem rise to the level of asking the PF members for advice, and of generating a real fear of being lonely for the next two years?

Also, if you look at my previous post #35, you'll see that I don't suggest that she "be assertive, and just study alone if she needs". I think there is plenty of opportunity for her to make friends with a select group of people. That is, the people that will truly be her friends, which implies real Platonic affection without strings attached. These are people she may stay friends with throughout life, and this is an opportunity that should not be missed.

 

[deRham]

"That is good advice as long as the advances are not too aggressive and allow room to be friendly and to interact in a normal way. But, I'm assuming the advances are more bothersome, otherwise why would the problem rise to the level of asking the PF members for advice, and of generating a real fear of being lonely for the next two years?"

If they're really that bothersome, I agree - you have to avoid interaction with these people.

The reason I think they probably aren't all that bothersome is the following. First, if they were that bothersome, then asking for advice in PF is obviously not even a meaningful option - the best option is to run for it and forget about trying to make friends with a bunch of animals. Second, I highly doubt that a majority of physics majors at a well-reputed school would be hungry animals out to make threatening advances towards a girl. I imagine them to be nerdy types who see few females in their department, and are awkward around them and try to cozy up to them due to the ratio.

I agree about finding a select group of people - sorry, I didn't do a careful enough reading of all your posts to know your full point. What I mean is a part of that is to make a concerted effort to be friendly, even if things are awkward at first.

 

[stevenb]

... the best option is to run for it and forget about trying to make friends with a bunch of animals. Second, I highly doubt that a majority of physics majors at a well-reputed school would be hungry animals out to make threatening advances towards a girl.

I think we are in basic agreement, but I want to be clear that I wasn't claiming that they are this bad. Stalkers are a job for police advice and not PF advice. I just think that normal men can come across in a manner that makes a woman too uncomfortable. They can push too hard and then become defensive when the girl is clearly not interested.

 

[deRham]

I think a combo of what we are suggesting might be best. Try to be friendly and employ my strategy - it's meant to communicate interest in friendship, but to avoid any unwanted contact, without officially rejecting a ton of guys. Instead, be friendly with all the guys around, be gentle and don't acknowledge that they're being awkward, but instead continue being friendly, and awkwardness should reduce.

Now you're right, guys can get defensive. But that's because both men and women, frankly, are immature about relationships at a young age. It's implicit in the terminology - are we just friends, or "something more"? Why should friends be any less or more? A potential relationship takes great care and thought, and is a matter of many circumstances working out, including both parties having the necessary energy. I have come across women who don't understand this either, and crave relationships (fairly early on) more than I feel they should. If necessary, instead of accepting or rejecting these guys, if MissSilvy can be friendly with them, ideally she could convey this simple fact - that there is nothing to get defensive or offensive about, and that people can not only do physics together, but also deeply admire each other, without getting into a relationship, dating, or whatever else. Where men get irritated and defensive, I've found women can become upset or dejected. None of these things is necessary, and the person who knows this should be willing to be comforting and explain where needed.

 

[kramer733]

I'm sorry but i'mma have to issue a "pix nya0 or gtf0" xD

 

[estro]

Current junior in physics at a pretty well ranked university, but our physics department has an 11 to 1 ratio of men to women. I don't feel academically intimidated or opressed or anything but I HATE that I can't ever get along casually with my fellow students. The two girls I see sometimes and myself get along fine, but every single time I try to put together a study group or just hang out in the physics lounge with a few guys, it always turns into this awkward unreciprocated attraction. Literally, without exception so far. Which leads to poor nerdy guys working up to courage to awkwardly ask me out to get a coffee sometime and me gently saying no, but by then the friendship is shot.

This is in no way to be constructed as "Haha, I'm so good looking that everyone wants me!" because just having a pair of breasts seems to do the trick, but come on now. This situation is getting ridiculous. I don't want to date, I don't have time to date, and I am not attracted to any of them. I want a few people I can hang out with, talk about physics, and possibly moan about classes. It's going to be a lonely two years if this keeps up and I'm not looking forward to that :( Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Tell them about social sciences lectures. (So much girls so little competition.)

 

[AUK 1138]

Tell them about social sciences lectures. (So much girls so little competition.)

I can almost guarantee this would make me lose interest in a woman. coincidently, talking about physics seems to have the same effect on most women.

 

[Moonbear]

Not at all, providing they have a passing familiarity with soap and water.

I'll have to remember to tell the young gentlemen about this the next time one of the "girl trouble" threads resurfaces.

They're probably all reading our advice on PF to just ask the young lady out for coffee. Sorry, we didn't know it was you they were all chasing after.

For those who have suggested a fake diamond, I don't know how much that really helps, but it might. Don't say you're married or have a boyfriend or anything like that, just wear it. I actually did know someone in college who did that, not to avoid dating, but just because she liked the look of the ring. It actually helped her meet guys because they would talk to her without feeling intimidated because they assumed she was already taken. If she thought they were interesting, and the topic came up, that's when she'd tell them that it was just a ring she liked, and she knew people assumed it meant something else, but she didn't really care what they thought. Voila, she opened the door only to those she was interested in enough to share that information with, and by then, they had been friendly with her long enough that it didn't matter...all the awkwardness had been long passed by.

Unfortunately, at your age and in a major where there aren't a lot of females, it's bound to happen. I'm sure the male students in my nursing classes feel the same way. Maybe I should start setting up a mixer between the nursing and physics students.

 

[jreelawg]

I find it funny, that perhaps, the physics students who have crushes on her, might be going to this same forum. Maybe they go to the relationships forums to learn how to win her heart. And what they might find is this thread by the girl they want to ask out. Maybe posting this thread will turn out to be a partial solution in itself.

 

[Andy Resnick]

Current junior in physics at a pretty well ranked university, but our physics department has an 11 to 1 ratio of men to women. I don't feel academically intimidated or opressed or anything but I HATE that I can't ever get along casually with my fellow students. The two girls I see sometimes and myself get along fine, but every single time I try to put together a study group or just hang out in the physics lounge with a few guys, it always turns into this awkward unreciprocated attraction. Literally, without exception so far. Which leads to poor nerdy guys working up to courage to awkwardly ask me out to get a coffee sometime and me gently saying no, but by then the friendship is shot.

This is in no way to be constructed as "Haha, I'm so good looking that everyone wants me!" because just having a pair of breasts seems to do the trick, but come on now. This situation is getting ridiculous. I don't want to date, I don't have time to date, and I am not attracted to any of them. I want a few people I can hang out with, talk about physics, and possibly moan about classes. It's going to be a lonely two years if this keeps up and I'm not looking forward to that :( Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I'm late to the thread, but I don't think anyone really took you seriously.

I recommend approaching a female member of the faculty for mentoring. Your experience is (unfortunately) rather common, and the women that went before you had it a lot worse, believe me. I think if you can partner with someone who has experienced the same problem, you will feel better and get some coping skills.

There may also be mentoring-type groups for female grad students; if so, see if you can participate.

 

[stevenb]

I'm late to the thread, but I don't think anyone really took you seriously.

You are indeed very late to this thread, but worse than that, you didn't read it carefully and then didn't give anybody the benefit of the doubt. For the record, you are not the only one who took her seriously.

 

[Topher925]

Does this mean that you weren't actually washing your hair last Saturday night?

 

[AUK 1138]

Interestingly enough, I've recently realized that girls in my math/physics classes tend to be (on average) bitchier and more self-righteous than other girls. now, while i can't make a blanket statement and say this is true across the board, it does make some sense. consider that in my average math/physics class there are maybe 5 girls (which is being highly generous on the physics side and a bit low for math). these girls get bombarded with attention, or awkwardly avoided by guys in their classes. it does make sense to me that this gets to their heads and is responsible for the bitchiness. thoughts?