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Breaking up. (girls) i need help

  1. Sep 14, 2008 #1
    there is no good way to do this but, im in a situation where i think i need to leave it...

    okay, its been just over a year and it just doesnt feel right. i dont love her, she doesnt love me. at least she never said it and at this point if she did, id be quite freaked out. it feels the as it did when we first started hanging out, even before we were dating. almost like were friends with benefits.

    i mean, i care for her, i really do but, more as a friend. heres where it sucks because i want to still be her friend. she helped me through a lot of things like, shes the reason i went back to school. and i helped her with a lot too. im close with her family and some of her friends. i dont want to loose all of that.

    and, we go to the same school so ill see her all the time.

    and i dont want to leave for just for that and im sure people are probably thinking that i want to hook up with other girls and thats not it. i dont want to be involved with anyone. i finally got a good group of friends. im trying to work as much as i can and im trying to do as best as i can in school so i can get into a good 4 year school than grad school. but im too nice and cant stand to hurt people, it absolutely kills me.

    can anyone give me any good info? im still a young buck and in need of mature advice
  2. jcsd
  3. Sep 14, 2008 #2

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    If she doesn't love you, then why will it hurt her? Maybe she will be relieved.
  4. Sep 14, 2008 #3
    break up sex is the best sex, dump her.
  5. Sep 14, 2008 #4
    Tell her exactly what you have told us (in you and hers manner of speaking of course).

    You seem like a rational chap, if she is your friend and more, she can't be too bonkers. Have a nice long friendly non-hysterical rational chat. Mutually decide what it is that you each want and make the best of it. Hiding your true thoughts would be far worse than telling a truth she may not want to hear.

    Who knows, after a long brain-to-brain chat, you may end up changing your mind...

    Best of luck.
  6. Sep 14, 2008 #5
    What do you care what people with think?

    My advice: Don't concern yourself with what other people think.

    If you are going to tell her you want to be friends, that's not 'hurting' her. If she can't acept that, too bad for her. She may get mad about it at first, but if she does give her a few days to calm down. If she still can't get over it and is bitter about it drop her all-together until she acts like an adult about it.

    Here is my best advice for you though (and something I personally follow myself). Don't waste your time on someone when you know it's probably not going to go anywhere. You wasted nearly a year with this girl and during that time you didn't even really like eachother. If I think it isnt going to work out, I'll drop you like a hot potato and not think twice about it.
  7. Sep 15, 2008 #6
    the only real reason i care what people think is because i have a bad rapport. i brought that upon my self but still.

    i dont want to drop her like a hot potato, there are too many variables in it where i still want her in my life, just not as a girl friend. plus, im a nice person and im not good with hurting feelings because i know my self how it all feels like.

    i guess thats my only option is to tell it how it is and be as nice as i possibly can about it. i was thinking tomorrow after class, were grabbing food than she is taking me home but im pretty sure shell be upset because shes a sensitive person and i dont want her driving home in that state of mind. i care too much, ya digg?
  8. Sep 15, 2008 #7
    Man, you really dont pay attention very well....

    Edit: Let's make things clear here. (1) I'm not saying for you to drop her like a hot potato. I said *I* would do that early on if things were going nowhere. That was my advice for you. In the future, don't let this happen again.

    (2) Yes, be nice about it. There's no need to be rude.

    (3) She's going to learn not to be so sensitive. Be as nice as you can. If she can't act mature about it, that's her problem to deal with. Not yours.

    (4) I don't know what you mean by "I have a bad rapport". Don't worry about what people think, I've found their opinions change as much as I fart, and I like to fart.

    Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go fart.
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2008
  9. Sep 15, 2008 #8
    Perhaps thats a good thing. Just do what you think is right man..
  10. Sep 15, 2008 #9
    I concur. Dump her and maybe you can both be friends with benefits.
  11. Sep 15, 2008 #10
    Whatever you decide to do, learn from it, because there will be A LOT of girls/girl issues in college...
  12. Sep 15, 2008 #11


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    It's about 50:50 odds whether someone will want to stay friends with you after breaking up. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. It doesn't mean she's immature if she decides she'd rather not see you at all after you break up. That could be a very mature response if she realizes she needs more separation to get over any feelings she might have for you. Just be aware there's a chance that will be the way things go.

    Otherwise, the best you can do is be honest with her. You'll both get over it soon enough (even if it doesn't feel like it at first), and better not to keep dragging along something that's not working when you could both be getting over it and moving on. Your statement that you do care for her as a friend, but it just doesn't feel right, you don't really feel in love with her, is a pretty reasonable way to explain it to her too. If it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right. Not much to be done for that.
  13. Sep 15, 2008 #12
    Just be easy about it to her, I would say use the "let's just be friends" line and see how she takes it. If she can't handle it maturely, then be done with her completely. But give her a few days to let in totally sink in and handle it well.
  14. Sep 15, 2008 #13


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    You guys should print this out and tape it to your wall. This is the best advice I've seen. (others have said similar things, but this covers it all)

    I just want to add that if she's not mature, be ready to duck and run. I've known some very childish, violent, and vindictive women.
  15. Sep 16, 2008 #14
    Here my advice:

    I think you are just tired of her. You've made it clear she puts out, and you see her at school every day. So what should you do? Seperation. Tell her you need some alone time. Get away from her for about 2 months w/o phonecalls and contact. The difficult part will be explaining to her what exactly you need this isolation for. This will let you reflect on things and see how life is without her. So when you get back together, you will know if that is where you want to be. Also, because you distanced yourself from her and her family during this time, it will make breaking up easier should things not work out the way you wanted. If she chooses to remain friends, you've already severed the romantic ties. If you choose to be with her, some patching up will be neccessary but atleast you're both still together.
  16. Sep 16, 2008 #15
  17. Sep 16, 2008 #16
    I've known some very childish, violent, vindictive, stalker-type men. What's your point, Focus?
  18. Sep 16, 2008 #17


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    Exactly. Both men and women can get too emotionally involved (the majority of them). It's not healthy for anyone to be like that.
  19. Sep 17, 2008 #18


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    Sorry, but there is a difference between getting "too emotionally involved," meaning the break-up is going to hurt and maybe they'll spend a week crying and a month sulking around, while getting over it, and vindictive, stalking, childish, violent behavior.

    That latter group is not just "too emotionally involved," but rather mentally unstable that they can't or won't control their reactions, or that they turn hurt to anger and seeking revenge and allow themselves to actually act out on it. Stalking and violence are simply criminal behaviors, and not acceptable under any circumstances. If they get that way over breaking up, be glad you didn't stay with them...imagine the eventual violence and vindictiveness you'd encounter in a longer relationship with that person every time something didn't go their way.

    MOST people are NOT violent and vindictive. Most DO feel hurt when someone breaks up with them...even if they weren't really all that into the other person either or already saw it coming. Nobody likes to feel rejected. But they get over it and move on.
  20. Sep 17, 2008 #19


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    Of course, getting hurt is normal.

    I meant it in the latter group. The first group is NOT too emotionally involved because it's the way things are. So, to me there is only one group of people like that, and that is the latter group you wrote about.

    If you get too emotionally involved, then you'll go crazy.
  21. Sep 17, 2008 #20


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    Okay, I see it's a matter of semantics...how we're defining "too emotionally involved."
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