Is It Time to Break Up? Handling a Complicated Relationship with a Friend

[offtheleft]

there is no good way to do this but, I am in a situation where i think i need to leave it...


okay, its been just over a year and it just doesn't feel right. i don't love her, she doesn't love me. at least she never said it and at this point if she did, id be quite freaked out. it feels the as it did when we first started hanging out, even before we were dating. almost like were friends with benefits.

i mean, i care for her, i really do but, more as a friend. here's where it sucks because i want to still be her friend. she helped me through a lot of things like, she's the reason i went back to school. and i helped her with a lot too. I am close with her family and some of her friends. i don't want to loose all of that.

and, we go to the same school so ill see her all the time.

and i don't want to leave for just for that and I am sure people are probably thinking that i want to hook up with other girls and that's not it. i don't want to be involved with anyone. i finally got a good group of friends. I am trying to work as much as i can and I am trying to do as best as i can in school so i can get into a good 4 year school than grad school. but I am too nice and can't stand to hurt people, it absolutely kills me.

can anyone give me any good info? I am still a young buck and in need of mature advice

 

[Math Is Hard]

If she doesn't love you, then why will it hurt her? Maybe she will be relieved.

 

[tribdog]

break up sex is the best sex, dump her.

 

[robertm]

Tell her exactly what you have told us (in you and hers manner of speaking of course).

You seem like a rational chap, if she is your friend and more, she can't be too bonkers. Have a nice long friendly non-hysterical rational chat. Mutually decide what it is that you each want and make the best of it. Hiding your true thoughts would be far worse than telling a truth she may not want to hear.

Who knows, after a long brain-to-brain chat, you may end up changing your mind...

Best of luck.

 

[Cyrus]

and i don't want to leave for just for that and I am sure people are probably thinking that i want to hook up with other girls and that's not it.

What do you care what people with think?

i finally got a good group of friends. I am trying to work as much as i can and I am trying to do as best as i can in school so i can get into a good 4 year school than grad school. but I am too nice and can't stand to hurt people, it absolutely kills me.

can anyone give me any good info? I am still a young buck and in need of mature advice

My advice: Don't concern yourself with what other people think.

If you are going to tell her you want to be friends, that's not 'hurting' her. If she can't acept that, too bad for her. She may get mad about it at first, but if she does give her a few days to calm down. If she still can't get over it and is bitter about it drop her all-together until she acts like an adult about it.

Here is my best advice for you though (and something I personally follow myself). Don't waste your time on someone when you know it's probably not going to go anywhere. You wasted nearly a year with this girl and during that time you didn't even really like each other. If I think it isn't going to work out, I'll drop you like a hot potato and not think twice about it.

 

[offtheleft]

the only real reason i care what people think is because i have a bad rapport. i brought that upon my self but still.

i don't want to drop her like a hot potato, there are too many variables in it where i still want her in my life, just not as a girl friend. plus, I am a nice person and I am not good with hurting feelings because i know my self how it all feels like.

i guess that's my only option is to tell it how it is and be as nice as i possibly can about it. i was thinking tomorrow after class, were grabbing food than she is taking me home but I am pretty sure shell be upset because she's a sensitive person and i don't want her driving home in that state of mind. i care too much, you digg?

 

[Cyrus]

the only real reason i care what people think is because i have a bad rapport. i brought that upon my self but still.

i don't want to drop her like a hot potato, there are too many variables in it where i still want her in my life, just not as a girl friend. plus, I am a nice person and I am not good with hurting feelings because i know my self how it all feels like.

i guess that's my only option is to tell it how it is and be as nice as i possibly can about it. i was thinking tomorrow after class, were grabbing food than she is taking me home but I am pretty sure shell be upset because she's a sensitive person and i don't want her driving home in that state of mind. i care too much, you digg?

Man, you really don't pay attention very well...

Edit: Let's make things clear here. (1) I'm not saying for you to drop her like a hot potato. I said *I* would do that early on if things were going nowhere. That was my advice for you. In the future, don't let this happen again.

(2) Yes, be nice about it. There's no need to be rude.

(3) She's going to learn not to be so sensitive. Be as nice as you can. If she can't act mature about it, that's her problem to deal with. Not yours.

(4) I don't know what you mean by "I have a bad rapport". Don't worry about what people think, I've found their opinions change as much as I fart, and I like to fart.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go fart.

 

[chaoseverlasting]

Perhaps that's a good thing. Just do what you think is right man..

 

[Topher925]

break up sex is the best sex, dump her.

I concur. Dump her and maybe you can both be friends with benefits.

 

[john16O]

Whatever you decide to do, learn from it, because there will be A LOT of girls/girl issues in college...

 

[Moonbear]

It's about 50:50 odds whether someone will want to stay friends with you after breaking up. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. It doesn't mean she's immature if she decides she'd rather not see you at all after you break up. That could be a very mature response if she realizes she needs more separation to get over any feelings she might have for you. Just be aware there's a chance that will be the way things go.

Otherwise, the best you can do is be honest with her. You'll both get over it soon enough (even if it doesn't feel like it at first), and better not to keep dragging along something that's not working when you could both be getting over it and moving on. Your statement that you do care for her as a friend, but it just doesn't feel right, you don't really feel in love with her, is a pretty reasonable way to explain it to her too. If it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right. Not much to be done for that.

 

[mcknia07]

Just be easy about it to her, I would say use the "let's just be friends" line and see how she takes it. If she can't handle it maturely, then be done with her completely. But give her a few days to let in totally sink in and handle it well.

 

[Evo]

It's about 50:50 odds whether someone will want to stay friends with you after breaking up. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. It doesn't mean she's immature if she decides she'd rather not see you at all after you break up. That could be a very mature response if she realizes she needs more separation to get over any feelings she might have for you. Just be aware there's a chance that will be the way things go.

Otherwise, the best you can do is be honest with her. You'll both get over it soon enough (even if it doesn't feel like it at first), and better not to keep dragging along something that's not working when you could both be getting over it and moving on. Your statement that you do care for her as a friend, but it just doesn't feel right, you don't really feel in love with her, is a pretty reasonable way to explain it to her too. If it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right. Not much to be done for that.

You guys should print this out and tape it to your wall. This is the best advice I've seen. (others have said similar things, but this covers it all)

I just want to add that if she's not mature, be ready to duck and run. I've known some very childish, violent, and vindictive women.

 

[Howers]

Here my advice:

I think you are just tired of her. You've made it clear she puts out, and you see her at school every day. So what should you do? Seperation. Tell her you need some alone time. Get away from her for about 2 months w/o phonecalls and contact. The difficult part will be explaining to her what exactly you need this isolation for. This will let you reflect on things and see how life is without her. So when you get back together, you will know if that is where you want to be. Also, because you distanced yourself from her and her family during this time, it will make breaking up easier should things not work out the way you wanted. If she chooses to remain friends, you've already severed the romantic ties. If you choose to be with her, some patching up will be necessary but atleast you're both still together.

 

[Focus]

I've known some very childish, violent, and vindictive women.

Some?

 

[GeorginaS]

I've known some very childish, violent, and vindictive women.

Some?

I've known some very childish, violent, vindictive, stalker-type men. What's your point, Focus?

 

[JasonRox]

I've known some very childish, violent, vindictive, stalker-type men. What's your point, Focus?

Exactly. Both men and women can get too emotionally involved (the majority of them). It's not healthy for anyone to be like that.

 

[Moonbear]

Exactly. Both men and women can get too emotionally involved (the majority of them). It's not healthy for anyone to be like that.

Sorry, but there is a difference between getting "too emotionally involved," meaning the break-up is going to hurt and maybe they'll spend a week crying and a month sulking around, while getting over it, and vindictive, stalking, childish, violent behavior.

That latter group is not just "too emotionally involved," but rather mentally unstable that they can't or won't control their reactions, or that they turn hurt to anger and seeking revenge and allow themselves to actually act out on it. Stalking and violence are simply criminal behaviors, and not acceptable under any circumstances. If they get that way over breaking up, be glad you didn't stay with them...imagine the eventual violence and vindictiveness you'd encounter in a longer relationship with that person every time something didn't go their way.

MOST people are NOT violent and vindictive. Most DO feel hurt when someone breaks up with them...even if they weren't really all that into the other person either or already saw it coming. Nobody likes to feel rejected. But they get over it and move on.

 

[JasonRox]

Sorry, but there is a difference between getting "too emotionally involved," meaning the break-up is going to hurt and maybe they'll spend a week crying and a month sulking around, while getting over it, and vindictive, stalking, childish, violent behavior.

That latter group is not just "too emotionally involved," but rather mentally unstable that they can't or won't control their reactions, or that they turn hurt to anger and seeking revenge and allow themselves to actually act out on it. Stalking and violence are simply criminal behaviors, and not acceptable under any circumstances. If they get that way over breaking up, be glad you didn't stay with them...imagine the eventual violence and vindictiveness you'd encounter in a longer relationship with that person every time something didn't go their way.

MOST people are NOT violent and vindictive. Most DO feel hurt when someone breaks up with them...even if they weren't really all that into the other person either or already saw it coming. Nobody likes to feel rejected. But they get over it and move on.

Of course, getting hurt is normal.

I meant it in the latter group. The first group is NOT too emotionally involved because it's the way things are. So, to me there is only one group of people like that, and that is the latter group you wrote about.

If you get too emotionally involved, then you'll go crazy.

 

[Moonbear]

Of course, getting hurt is normal.

I meant it in the latter group. The first group is NOT too emotionally involved because it's the way things are. So, to me there is only one group of people like that, and that is the latter group you wrote about.

If you get too emotionally involved, then you'll go crazy.

Okay, I see it's a matter of semantics...how we're defining "too emotionally involved."

 

[BobG]

Of course, getting hurt is normal.

I meant it in the latter group. The first group is NOT too emotionally involved because it's the way things are. So, to me there is only one group of people like that, and that is the latter group you wrote about.

If you get too emotionally involved, then you'll go crazy.

Okay, I see it's a matter of semantics...how we're defining "too emotionally involved."

I was wondering about that, as well. Can married people be too emotionally involved? Should they get divorced if they're not?

 

[Howers]

I was wondering about that, as well. Can married people be too emotionally involved? Should they get divorced if they're not?

Why do women wear watches? I mean there is a clock in front of the stove...

 

[binzing]

Uh, ok. Not at all a chauvinist, eh?

 

[Cyrus]

Why do women wear watches? I mean there is a clock in front of the stove...

Hiyoooooooooo.

 

[offtheleft]

well, i got an update. i havnt had the chance to do it, i didnt see her at all. i don't want to do it through texting or calling. we have both been hella busy with school, work and ec's.

im worried it would turn out like my ex... shed try to have someone beat me up, or shed call non stop and torment me. really stressful when i think about it.

 

[Cyrus]

How old was this girl (talking about your past ex)? Sounds like a childish 16 year old brat calling up her friend to beat you up.

You can block people from calling your cell phone if she harasses you. Or you can do what I do when I don't feel like talking to someone. Put it straight to voicemail.

 

[Moonbear]

im worried it would turn out like my ex... shed try to have someone beat me up, or shed call non stop and torment me. really stressful when i think about it.

I agree with Cyrus that that's a very childish response. If this gf behaves similarly, I think you should REALLY CAREFULLY rethink the qualities you're looking for when you choose a woman to date.

 

[Moonbear]

Why do women wear watches? I mean there is a clock in front of the stove...

How's that frying pan wound on your head healing? Strange how it just flew out of nowhere and cracked you square in the noggin. :uhh:

 

[BobG]

I agree with Cyrus that that's a very childish response. If this gf behaves similarly, I think you should REALLY CAREFULLY rethink the qualities you're looking for when you choose a woman to date.

How's that frying pan wound on your head healing? Strange how it just flew out of nowhere and cracked you square in the noggin. :uhh:

:uhh:

Is there a conflict in these two posts somewhere?

Obviously, Howers should be really careful about the qualities he looks for in women if he doesn't want to be hit by a frying pan.

Or ... the qualities he should be looking for don't exist anymore and he should seriously rethink his outlook on life.

Or ... maybe offtheleft deserves to be beat up.

 

[JasonRox]

I was wondering about that, as well. Can married people be too emotionally involved? Should they get divorced if they're not?

Well, you don't want to be too emotionally involved in a marriage either. The term "too emotionally" involved to me is more like you don't even have control of your own emotions (which you should have control OF!).

My parents divorced and my father eventually realized how involved he was and all that, and how dependent he was. He wanted to kill himself. Not good for anyone, especially for oneself. Now he re-married, but he's not dependent anymore. WAY WAY WAY happier than he ever was on top of that.

Are most married couples too emotionally involved? I don't know. (I'd say lots of them are, but I'm sure they aren't good ones.)

 

[ephedyn]

"I like you, but I like manifolds more."

 

[FrancisZ]

can anyone give me any good info? I am still a young buck and in need of mature advice

I think that if you considered yourself actually mature enough to have an intimate relationship with this person, then you must realize also that you now bear a responsibility to her, and to her feelings. You've joined with her on, shall we say, (ideally at least) on a spiritual level; and that is very, very, very serious.

People don't like to consider that I suppose, but that is unspoken commitment nonetheless; unless of course there was some kind of communication to begin with, thereby negating any long term expectations either of you might have had.

I would have assumed at least that by sleeping with someone, you had meant to say "I love you, and I am committed to you" without actually uttering the words themselves. But then by carelessly breaking up with that person--even after a long time--that's a lot like taking it back.

I'm not saying that you both shouldn't move on, if that is truly for the best. But I really think you ought apologize profusely to her, if she still wants a serious relationship.

If nothing else you ought to admit to her that you were too immature when you first committed to the relationship; and may very well still be, if the only reason you are lingering now, is on account of her family, whom YOU are afraid of losing.

If I were in your situation: I would ask her outright what her feelings are about the two of you being together. If she genuinely cares for you, and is in fact the benefit that you seem to agree she has been for you all along anyway; then I would seriously consider working on being a better boyfriend to her exclusively. Don't be a doormat, but don't be so selfish either. That is the real test of maturity.

Remember: just because you don't want to lose her benefits, does not mean you are nice guy, and that you truly deserve them. You could just be a lucky jerk.

 

[JasonRox]

on a spiritual level;

Oh please, that word should be deleted from the english dictionnary.

 

[Evo]

I remember the sister of a guy I dated. Stunningly beautiful, very smart, and a volatile temper, Italian and OUCH.

I remember the poor guy she was dating. A wonderful, kind, and generous guy. Heck, I would have dated him if I wasn't dating her brother. She got mad at him and he, poor soul, went out of town on business. She went to his house, managed to get the garden hose up through an upstairs window and turned it on full blast. When he got back a few days later, I think he had around $20,000.00 dollars in damages.

And it was over something trivial like he had forgotten to call and say he was running late.

 

[FrancisZ]

Oh please, that word should be deleted from the english dictionnary.

Well, if you choose to say "altruistically euphoric" instead that's fine.