Collection of Lame Jokes

  • #4,151
davenn
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in the Halloween theme .....

bad feeling about this one.jpg


feel my shaved leg.jpg
 

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  • #4,152
DaveC426913
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I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son,
And I'm only plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes.
 
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  • #4,153
davenn
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:biggrin:
I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son,
And I'm only plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes.


only naughty if you mispronounce it :wink:

I learnt a variation on that one the second line is different

I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant pluckers' son,
I like plucking pheasants, pheasant plucking's fun


:wink::biggrin:
 
  • #4,154
Ibix
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Esau saw a saw saw wood no other wood saw Wood saw would saw wood
Esau observed a saw cut wood that no other saw he observed would cut... wood? Is there another way to parse that so that the final "wood" is valid?
 
  • #4,155
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It is valid if we add a comma after the first “wood”.
 
  • #4,157
jtbell
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She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
You call that difficult? Try:

The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
 
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  • #4,158
jtbell
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"Hey, where'd you get that cool Halloween tie, orange and black with spiders on it?"

"On the web, of course."
 
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  • #4,159
DaveC426913
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The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
Beat ya by 10 posts and 25 hours, 29 minutes. :biggrin:
 
  • #4,160
jtbell
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Beat ya by 10 posts and 25 hours, 29 minutes. :biggrin:
Serves me right for not reading the intervening posts. :oops:
 
  • #4,161
davenn
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frozen turkeys.jpg
 

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  • #4,162
DaveC426913
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A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.

The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."
 
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  • #4,163
davenn
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haha

Wong on so many levels.jpg
 

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  • #4,164
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What did the cemetary worker say when he realized he buried the body in the wrong place?

I've made a grave mistake.
 
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  • #4,165
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One year my GF was having Thanksgiving at her house. Now she had seven brothers and sisters, their spouses, and a small army of nieces and nephews to feed. I helped her with the shopping and she promised to tell them I had to be in San Diego that weekend.

As we're trying to find a bird the size of Rodan she started grumbling about her father and brothers fighting on the drumsticks. I laughed and said, "Get this." She eyed the package and then burst out laughing.

Come Thanksgiving Day the ladies were all in on the joke and fought to keep the guys out of the kitchen. When the meal was ready Kim's Mom brings in the covered tray and sets it down in front of her husband. The squabbling begin immediately. That's when Mom starts yelling:

"Well you all just shut up!" She removed the cover to show the turkey, and the four additional legs Kim had bought. A six legged turkey.

So, of course, the guys started arguing about who gets the "original" legs.

Phase two kicked in at that point as all the women pulled out wooden spoons and started whacking the nearest guy on the head it with.

Ever after that was known as the Thanksgiving of the Chernobyl Turkey.
 
  • #4,166
BillTre
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Good name.
I'd give it a Hi-6!
 
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  • #4,168
davenn
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Saturday giggle

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

...
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

"My mother-in-law, she came to help my wife and the dog killed her, also."


A very touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the 2 men.

The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man answered " Get in Line"
 
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  • #4,169
davenn
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Best offers :wink: .....

flintstones car.jpg
 

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  • #4,170
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Looks like Shia LaBeouf's first car from the original "Transformers" movie.
 
  • #4,172
fresh_42
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"Welcome to our weekly meeting! You'll find the topics on page one and the results of our last meeting in the appendix of the handout."

"Sorry, Sir! You've forgotten the appendix."

"No, I haven't."
 
  • #4,173
davenn
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upload_2017-11-7_16-36-44.png
 

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