Collection of Lame Jokes

[BillTre]

 

[256bits]

Honestly, looking at the picture, I wondered, "Where's the Sasquatch? "
You know, trees, forest, fuzzy picture,...

A woodsman and a sasquatch walk into a bar.
All night long they get weird stares at the odd couple of beer drinkers.
Matched drink for drink as the night progressed, the sasquatch finally succumbed, passed out, and fell to the floor.
The woodsman, stood up, saluted his friend and began to walk out.
The bartender yelled out " Hey, your not going to leave that l'yin around here!, are ya! "
The woodsman, retorted " That's not a lion. that's a Sasquatch."

 

[Stavros Kiri]

View attachment 229423

... and a portal to nature! ...

 

[mjc123]

The wing mirror off Bigfoot's car?

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 229511

On an inconvenient diet, or why this frowned unfriendly mien?

 

[Psinter]

Weather forecast:

Tonight will be dark. And if you wake up tomorrow morning, you might see the sun.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Weather forecast:

Tonight will be dark. And if you wake up tomorrow morning, you might see the sun.

Prophecy: it will rain! ...

Spoiler: Open if you want to know when

some day, I hope

 

[mfb]

That's how rain dances work. You want rain? Start dancing. Stop when it rains because the dance was successful.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

And now we finally know how prophecies work ...

Also:
Spaceweather: the Sun is still there! ...

Spoiler

or better wait 8 min ... to be sure

 

[Borg]

 

[fresh_42]

That's how rain dances work. You want rain? Start dancing. Stop when it rains because the dance was successful.

Caution: Do not apply in the Atacama!

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Caution: Do not apply in the Atacama!

Somebody must have!
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atacama_Desert
(Climate section)

 

[mfb]

Caution: Do not apply in the Atacama!

Everyone who tried died, so no one could report a failure.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

died

of old age? or unexpected flood?

 

[CWatters]

I once decided to organise a group visit to my local gliding club for my work colleagues. So I drafted an email with what I thought was a great subject line... "Who wants to get high?"... and sent it to "all" which really did included everyone from the CEO downwards. Unfortunately I got distracted and forgot to paste in the text so the content was blank rather than the invite to go gliding that I had intended.

 

[fresh_42]

I once decided to organise a group visit to my local gliding club for my work colleagues. So I drafted an email with what I thought was a great subject line... "Who wants to get high?"... and sent it to "all" which really did included everyone from the CEO downwards. Unfortunately I got distracted and forgot to paste in the text so the content was blank rather than the invite to go gliding that I had intended.

Reminded me of my embarrassment:
https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/lame-jokes.25301/page-185#post-5770236

 

[Psinter]

Doing C when you were new:

Something something SEGMENTATION FAULT!

 

[jtbell]

 

[Ibix]

Why don't lions cook their food?

They prefer it roar...

 

[AlexCaledin]

 

[jtbell]

What do you call a survey about preferences in carbonated beverages?

A pop quiz.

 

[fresh_42]

And what a survey about preferences in canned beans?

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

Pretty much explains life ...

On the first day, God created the dog and said,
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you... a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,
have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

 

[Psinter]

Source

You can smell the progress in the air. Technology.

 

[YoungPhysicist]

I want to say something fun, but all the good things Argon.

 

[256bits]

What did the window say to his younger sibling window?
Your such a pane.

What did the window say to his funny friend, the rock?
You crack me up.

What did the window say to his window washer teacher?
It seems so clear to me now?

What did the window sing while being boarded up?
Ain't no sunshine when I'm gone,...

 

[DrGreg]

What did the window say to his younger sibling window?
Your such a pane.

What did the window say to his funny friend, the rock?
You crack me up.

What did the window say to his window washer teacher?
It seems so clear to me now?

What did the window sing while being boarded up?
Ain't no sunshine when I'm gone,...

Surely everyone knows this one, but here goes...

What did the window say to the nervous curtains?
Pull yourself together.

 

[YoungPhysicist]

I don't know if anyone had posted this one since this is post #4798, but the he one is quite nice