just a good old fashioned mix……
• So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t. That must be frustrating.
•Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what’s your plan?
•The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.
•You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen’.
How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, when….the rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two year, and…the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives over 200 years. So, rest, chill, eat, drink, and enjoy life!
•When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.
•I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
•Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
•The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot
•When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.
•It’s weird being the same age as old people.
•Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH
•Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
•We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.
•You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.
•Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
•After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.
•For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version…it doesn’t listen to anything.
•There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
•My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
•Apparently exercise helps you with decision-making. It’s true. I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.
