Collection of Lame Jokes

[EternityMech]

my jokes were the best

 

[lisab]

There's a big calculus party, and all the functions are invited. ln(x) is talking to some trig functions, when he sees his friend e^x sulking in a corner.

ln(x): "What's wrong e^x?"
e^x: "I'm so lonely!"
ln(x): "Well, you should go integrate yourself into the crowd!"
...e^x looks up and cries, "It won't make a difference!"

Lololol...nice

 

[lisab]

my jokes were the best

Ah, but were they the lamest?

 

[Borg]

Into which this thread has now been assimilated. Resistance is futile.

I agree.

 

[jtbell]

A Borg walks into a bar.

Bartender: "What'll you have?"

Borg: "Everybody on this planet. Resistance is futile."

(I've been watching too much Star Trek lately, thanks to the nightly re-runs of TNG on one of my local TV stations.)

 

[Borg]

A Borg walks into a bar.

Bartender: "What'll you have?"

Borg: "Everybody on this planet. Resistance is futile."

(I've been watching too much Star Trek lately, thanks to the nightly re-runs of TNG on one of my local TV stations.)

I need to seriously consider this for my signature.

 

[HeLiXe]

Don't yell at the guy, we all know that biology is a joke

I mean, if they publish stuff like this:
http://fliptomato.wordpress.com/200...cher-discovers-integration-gets-75-citations/
(ok, it was a medical "researcher", but it counts as biology)

The first sentence made me laugh and the last one almost killed me LOL

 

[Darken-Sol]

i put spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

 

[lisab]

i put spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

 

[HeLiXe]

 

[cobalt124]

This is from my eldest son:

"I joined a new club, apparently its going to be the latest craze - blindfold plane spotting. In the end I only went once, I didn't see it taking off.".

 

[Lisa!]

[PLAIN]http://cdn.imgfave.com/image_cache2/1302942571473427.jpeg

 

[WhoWee]

What did the chicken say to the duck?





Don't mess with my peeps.

 

[jtbell]

A few days ago while driving to campus (unusually, because I normally walk), I swerved to avoid a turtle in the middle of the street. This got me wondering:

"Why did the turtle cross the road?"

Because it was hungry, and looking for some chicken.

 

[WhoWee]

A few days ago while driving to campus (unusually, because I normally walk), I swerved to avoid a turtle in the middle of the street. This got me wondering:

"Why did the turtle cross the road?"

Because it was hungry, and looking for some chicken.

What do truck drivers call turtles who cross the road?




Speed bumps.

 

[IMP]

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

 

[lisab]

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Lol...that's not lame!

 

[IMP]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

 

[cobalt124]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?".

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?".

"Let's try this button."
*cannon fires*
"Oops! There goes that building."

 

[HeLiXe]

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?".

 

[HeLiXe]

What did the chicken say to the duck?





Don't mess with my peeps.

 

[Darken-Sol]

why don't cannibals eat clowns? they taste funny

 

[Alfi]

The difference between kids and cannibal kids.

What's for dinner Mom?

What's for dinner? Mom?

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

People who eat vegetables live on planets and moons around Vega.
Because they're Vegans.

 

[FlexGunship]

People who eat vegetables live on planets and moons around Vega.
Because they're Vegans.

Flag on the play!

 

[Darken-Sol]

chuck norris doesn't do push ups he is actually pushing the world down

 

[Isaacsname]

chuck norris doesn't do push ups he is actually pushing the world down

I heard that's why we have tides...

 

[cobalt124]

Lame Shakespeare Quote:

"Tubby, or not tubby. Fat is the question".

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

chuck norris doesn't do push ups he is actually pushing the world down

There's a whole thread for those.
https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=177805

 

[IMP]

Did you hear the one about the broken pencil?

Never mind, it is pointless...

 

[jtbell]

Lame Shakespeare Quote:

"Tubby, or not tubby. Fat is the question".

Lame landlord joke:

(after showing apartment 2B to a prospective tenant)

"Come on, Mr. Shakespeare, make up your mind! 2B or not 2B, that is the question."

 

[BobG]

Lame landlord joke:

(after showing apartment 2B to a prospective tenant)

"Come on, Mr. Shakespeare, make up your mind! 2B or not 2B, that is the question."

Ah, but if 2B or not 2B is the answer, then what is the question?

Spoiler

What's the square root of 4B^2?

 

[drizzle]

Did you hear the one about the broken pencil?

Never mind, it is pointless...

Took me a while to get it though. :shy:

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

If a zombie became president how would he travel?

He'd use Scare Force One.

--------

Gansta 1: I interrogate my prisoners, then kill them.
Gansta 2: I kill first ask questions later.
Gansta 3: I kill.

--------

EDIT

A supervillian president would fly on Lair Force One.

A fruit president would fly on Pear Force One.

A grizzly? Bear Force One.

An uncommon person? Rare Force One.

A stunt actor? Dare Force One.

A Care Bear? Care Force One.
Ok, that's scary. Forget that one.

A president with an unknown location? Where Force One.

Someone furry? Hair Force One.

 

[lisab]

Ah, but if 2B or not 2B is the answer, then what is the question?

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Did you hear the one about the broken pencil?

Never mind, it is pointless...

Did you hear the one about the airplane? Never mind, it's over your head.
2b V ~2b = ?
TB or not TB. That is congestion. Consuption be done about it?

 

[geophysics10]

My math prof. back in the 90's used to start his lectures with an update of his marital life, and slipped it in one day during a lecture on limits.

"Is there anything worse than dividing by zero?
Marrying the wrong person.
But in mathematics, no."

 

[DaveC426913]

Q: How did the pig feel after losing its voice?
A: Disgruntled.

- The New York Times crossword

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

PF SAS - Parrot Freedom Security And Safety

 

[HeLiXe]

PF SAS - Parrot Freedom Security And Safety

LOLOLOLlololll

 

[GeorginaS]

TB or not TB. That is congestion. Consuption be done about it?

Yeah, that one? It was painful, let me tell you.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Even though the Birthers have been given their long-form BC, the conspiracy theories continue as the basis for the After-Birthers movement.

 

[Borek]

After-Birthers movement.

Aren't they called Educaters now?

 

[Borek]

[PLAIN]https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/227017_10150170088106821_176141556820_7233579_766752_n.jpg

 

[Borg]

[PLAIN]https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/227017_10150170088106821_176141556820_7233579_766752_n.jpg[/QUOTE]

Correction:
3: name.xml
4: ssn.xml
5: password.xml

For those who don't know what this refers to:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/gamesblog/2011/apr/27/psn-security-advice"

 

[Isaacsname]

If a zombie became president how would he travel?

He'd use Scare Force One.

--------

Gansta 1: I interrogate my prisoners, then kill them.
Gansta 2: I kill first ask questions later.
Gansta 3: I kill.

--------

EDIT

A supervillian president would fly on Lair Force One.

A fruit president would fly on Pear Force One.

A grizzly? Bear Force One.

An uncommon person? Rare Force One.

A stunt actor? Dare Force One.

A Care Bear? Care Force One.
Ok, that's scary. Forget that one.

A president with an unknown location? Where Force One.

Someone furry? Hair Force One.

lool, You just don't know when to quit...

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

lool, You just don't know when to quit...

What does "quit" mean?
------

What do aerospace and geometry zombies say?

" Plllaaaannneeeesss "

------

Don't name your horse Charlie.
You'll get a charlie-horse.

------

Astronaut: I've been to Saturn and back!
Skeptic: What are trying to pull now?
Astronaut: Some more gee's.

 

[HeLiXe]

What does "quit" mean?

It means I saw it first
ok ok I'll stop now...

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Aren't they called Educaters now?

By that logic, the Birthers were all pediatricians.