Collection of Lame Jokes

[lekh2003]

I found this gold.

 

[mfb]

This is an actual screenshot from bing.

 

[Ibix]

What's a pirate's favourite letter?

Arrrrrr.

 

[phinds]

I just found out some interesting things about vegetarians. The English translation of the Navajo word for vegetarian is "he who is lousy hunter". Also, although it's true that most vegetarians are vegetarians because they love animals, there are a few who are vegetarians because they hate plants. You can spot them in restaurants laughing demonically as they eat their brussel sprouts. Personally, I'm only a partial vegetarian. I just adore spinach and collard green plants and would never DREAM of eating them.

 

[256bits]

Phone rings.
Me: Hello
Voice: Hi. Can I ask if your refrigerator I running?
Me: Yes. It's running.
Voice: Better go catch it.
Me: Arrr

 

[fresh_42]

Phone rings.
Me: Hello
Voice: Hi. Can I ask if your refrigerator I running?
Me: Yes. It's running.
Voice: Better go catch it.
Me: Arrr

There is no reason to be angry. Here's an example (unfortunately not until the end, but the first pages are worth a read anyway)

Born to be free

 

[256bits]

Funny stuff.
The tale actually came up as #2 on the Google book.

Now I don't know if I should tell what happened the second time the phone rang.
Oh, what the heck.

Me: Hello
Voice: Is this Mr Wall.
Me : No.
Voice: Oh. Are there any Walls in your house.
Me: No
Voice : Then what's holding up the roof?
Me: Arrrr

 

[fresh_42]

I'm not sure whether I've read the following here or somewhere else, so I beg a pardon if so.

Whoever invented the Knock-Knock-Jokes should win the No-Bell prize.

 

[Ibix]

Whoever invented the Knock-Knock-Jokes should win the No-Bell prize.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Isobel.
Isobel who?
Isobel on a bicycle.

 

[AlexCaledin]

in a village, very late in a winter evening

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Need firewood?
No.

Next morning, the villager discovers that all his firewood disappeared...

 

[Ibix]

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

A woolly jumper.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?

A walky-talky.

What do you get if you cross that with an amoeba?

A cell phone.

 

[deRoy]

not good

I don't rely on my phone for mass storage ... it's all done on the PC with backups

Dave

But do you backup the backups? Because you are in great danger, otherwise!

 

[Psinter]

But do you backup the backups? Because you are in great danger, otherwise!

Who's going to backup the backup of the backups?

 

[DrGreg]

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A woolly jumper.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A walky-talky.

What do you get if you cross that with an amoeba?
A cell phone.

That reminds me of a joke I've posted before:

Q. What do you get when you cross a mountain-climber with a mosquito?
A. Nothing: you can't cross a scaler with a vector.

Spoiler: Don't get it?

You need to know about mathematical vectors and scalars as well as epidemiological vectors.

 

[Ibix]

Q. What do you get when you cross a mountain-climber with a mosquito?

$\left|\mathrm {mountain-climber}\right|\left|\mathrm {mosquito}\right|\sin\theta\vec{\hat n}$?

 

[davenn]

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release (by Mr. Welch himself) stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason at all, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left-turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, and you would have to reinstall the engine.

4. When your car died on the freeway for no reason, you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ‘Car95’ or ‘CarNT’, and then added more seats.

6. Apple would make a car powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five per cent of the roads.

7. Oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ‘general car default’ warning light.

8. New seats would force every-one to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag would say ‘Are you sure?’ before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of road maps from Rand-McNally (a subsidiary of GM), even though they neither need them nor want them. Trying to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You would press the ‘start’ button to shut off the engine.

 

[Ibix]

I bought one of those Himalayan salt lamps. Apparently it achieves all sorts of health benefits by releasing negative ions.

If it works I'll be shocked.

 

[Bystander]

If it works I'll be shocked.

That is reeaaallllllllyyyyyyyyy bad.

 

[jtbell]

Seen while sightseeing today:

 

[davenn]

Seen while sightseeing today:

View attachment 219030

so true :)

 

[davenn]

Brilliant !

 

[davenn]

I lay in bed, pondering how wonderful nature is.
It was a clear, warm evening.
Beautiful weather, not a cloud in the sky.
I gazed up at the Milky Way, watching distant stars twinkle like diamonds.
Then, a thought came to me...
"HEY - WHERE THE HELL IS MY ROOF!??"

 

[CWatters]

Heard on a UK radio station recently. Program was about russian humour and how it's changing...Group of people have been queuing for bread for hours.
Eventually one man announces he's fed up with queuing and is going off to kill Gorbachev.
"Good idea" say all the others, "we will keep your place for you in the queue".
Many hours pass and the queue hasn't moved.
Eventually they see the man returning and rush to congratulate him on killing Gorbachev.
"I'm sorry" he replies "I couldn't do it, the queue to kill Gorbachev was even longer".

 

[DrClaude]

Don't forget the Hindenburg!

View attachment 219120

 

[Borg]

What's that manatee been eating?

 

[fresh_42]

What's that manatee been eating?

Seagrasses! Look at this giant fart?

 

[jtbell]

This school apparently believes in making things as simple as possible.

 

[Ibix]

Do you know how to think the unthinkable?

Spoiler

You ram it into an itheberg

 

[fresh_42]

Do you know how to think the unthinkable?

Spoiler

You ram it into a itheberg

Ouch!

 

[Bishop85]

-Watch out for the vacuum cleaner!
-What vacuuuuuuuuuuu...

this joke sucks lol

 

[Mark44]

Two scientists, one from Russia and one from the Czech Republic, had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous creatures.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.

The rangers then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.

They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach, only to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other ! and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male.”

 

[Ibix]

Heading to the shops earlier I saw that somebody'd dumped a TV by the side of the road (). It doesn't look strong enough to take my weight, otherwise I was going to climb up on it and ask if I looked taller on TV.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Heading to the shops earlier I saw that somebody'd dumped a TV by the side of the road (). It doesn't look strong enough to take my weight, otherwise I was going to climb up on it and ask if I looked taller on TV.

Watch out! ... because the new ones are "two-dimensional" ...

 

[Stavros Kiri]

I'm not sure whether I've read the following here or somewhere else, so I beg a pardon if so.

Whoever invented the Knock-Knock-Jokes should win the No-Bell prize.

https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/lame-jokes.25301/page-215#post-5921398
[That's why someone reviewing late (i.e./e.g. me) is always useful ...
Pardon is yours ... (you don't have to beg for it!) jk ]

 

[jtbell]

What do you call it when a Virginia Tech person puts his right foot in, puts his right foot out, puts his right foot in, and shakes it all about, but does a lousy job of it?

A hokey Hokie hokey-pokey.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

(Two friends A, B)
A: Our friend Jim is not to be trusted at all!
B: Why is that?
A: He lost 3 wives ...
B: So?
A: the first one was poisoned by mushroom
B: the second?
A: poisoned by mushroom too!
B: Hmmm! And the 3rd ... let me guess: also poisoned by mushroom!?
A: No! Severe head injuries ... for not eating mushroom! ...

 

[DrClaude]

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male.”

This is one of the lamest jokes I've ever heard. All that setup for a bad pun! Kudos, Mark!

 

[davenn]

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male.”

This is one of the lamest jokes I've ever heard. All that setup for a bad pun! Kudos, Mark!

I actually sat here staring at it for a minute or two, thinking I don't get it ... it finally clicked ... must have been tired

 

[Borg]

I actually sat here staring at it for a minute or two, thinking I don't get it ... it finally clicked ... must have been tired

Could be something more serious. You should have that Czeched.

 

[mfb]

That joke is hard to understand if you use bank transfers for everything.

 

[Mark44]

An old farmer goes to the theater one night. The ticket seller asks, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer replies, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes."

"I'm sorry, sir," says the ticket seller. "We don't allow animals in the theater.

The old farmer goes around the corner and stuffs the bird down his pants. He returns to the booth,
buys a ticket and enters the theater. He sits down next to two old widows, Mildred and Marge.

The movie starts and the rooster begins to squirm. The old farmer unzips his pants so Chucky can
stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispers Mildred.

"What?" Marge asks.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?", Marge asks.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispers Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it, " says Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all."

"I thought so too," says Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn!"

 

[DrGreg]

An old farmer goes to the theater one night...

That wasn't the dyslexic farmer who thought that "farm" was spelled "EIEIO"?

 

[Mark44]

That wasn't the dyslexic farmer who thought that "farm" was spelled "EIEIO"?

No, it was the farmer who had a pet rooster that he liked to take to the movies. But he was a bit dyslexic, and thought that "EIEIO" was spelled "IEIEO."

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

What do you call the mobster who runs the organized-crime ring in a fishing port?

The Codfather.

 

[Ibix]

What do you call the mobster who runs the organized-crime ring in a fishing port?

The Codfather.

He's part of the MAFFia.

(Explanation for non-UK readers and young 'uns)

 

[dextercioby]

There's a restaurant just outside Bucharest, RO which sells the chef's specialty: FIBONACCI'S SOUP. Ingredients: yesterday's and the day before's soup.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

There's a restaurant just outside Bucharest, RO which sells the chef's specialty: FIBONACCI'S SOUP. Ingredients: yesterday's and the day before's soup.

It better be a "lemon" soup (preservative ...).

FIBONACCI'S SOUP. Ingredients: yesterday's and the day before's soup.

What is the cut-off integer for Emergency Hospital Attendance?
[Could have been Science Jokes ...]

 

[mfb]

What is the cut-off integer for Emergency Hospital Attendance?

1 deep cut is typically sufficient.