Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

I once was in the middle of a short flight (~1h) and started to look out the window to see where we are and when the destination approach began, when the pilot announced: "Good morning! We have now reached our regular height and ..." Hell, no, did I board the wrong plane? You are supposed to descend!

 

[DrGreg]

I once was in the middle of a short flight (~1h)

"Minus one hour" is really short!

(Problem with font size, on my screen at 90% magnification, "~" looks exactly like "−".)

 

[DaveC426913]

For @phinds :

My grandfather once said "when one door closes, another one opens".

Great man, terrible cabinet maker.

 

[phinds]

For @phinds :

My grandfather once said "when one door closes, another one opens".

Great man, terrible cabinet maker.

Yeah, that's an old chestnut on the Wood Barter forum, but still worth a chuckle.

 

[mfb]

I once was in the middle of a short flight (~1h) and started to look out the window to see where we are and when the destination approach began, when the pilot announced: "Good morning! We have now reached our regular height and ..." Hell, no, did I board the wrong plane? You are supposed to descend!

Once my flight was diverted to a nearby airport due to a storm. After we landed the storm cleared up and the airline decided to fly us to our original destination. Our mid/long-range aircraft then proceeded to take off... and stopped because we needed to descend. 150 km flight with an aircraft that is made to fly thousands of kilometers.

Some of these short distances have routine flights, but mainly as support for longer distances and usually with smaller aircraft.

 

[jack action]

Two morons find a mirror on the street. One picks it up and says: «Hey, I know that guy. But I can't remember from where...» The other one takes the mirror and says: «Idiot, it's me!»

 

[BillTre]

I like how Bugs Bunny uses the more socially acceptable term "maroon" in his cartoons.

 

[DaveC426913]

Whatta nincowpoop!
Whatta ta ra ra goon dee-ay!

 

[Fervent Freyja]

I still do this. You belong to me now!

 

[fresh_42]

I still do this. You belong to me now!
View attachment 268788

Stay away from Turkey. And I heard a story these days, where a young lady found a nice stone on a beach in Croatia. Back home she cleaned that thing and it turned out it was a handgranate.

 

[Fervent Freyja]

Stay away from Turkey. And I heard a story these days, where a young lady found a nice stone on a beach in Croatia. Back home she cleaned that thing and it turned out it was a handgranate.

Years ago, I was cleaning out my exes nightstand dresser and found a REAL grenade. Apparently, it had been disarmed and he was probably playing with it. I didn’t know that it wasn’t live at the time. I had it in my hand before I realized what it was and had been terrified when I did. My heart was racing. WHY IS THERE A GRENADE IN OUR HOUSE!

 

[strangerep]

[...] it turned out it was a handgranate.

That one took me a couple of minutes: "Is it some kind of fossilized fruit? Maybe like pomegranate is an Englishman fossilized in stone?"

Then I realized you're using the German word.

 

[fresh_42]

WHY IS THERE A GRENADE IN OUR HOUSE!

I am absolutely convinced that no firearm of any kind should be in a household with kids. An hour ago they said on tv in a report about the issue, that 1,300 kids in the US die every year through guns. What an incredible high number! I even think that unless you live in Alaska or so, they aren't necessary at all. But this is already politics if Americans are involved and thus a forbidden topic.

 

[fresh_42]

That one took me a couple of minutes: "Is it some kind of fossilized fruit? Maybe like pomegranate is an Englishman fossilized in stone?"

Then I realized you're using the German word.

Yes, sorry, I realized it as I saw Freyja's response. But she already quoted it so it was too late to edit. Those words which are basically the same are the meanest traps.

 

[Keith_McClary]

The optimist says, “Tomorrow is another day!”

The pessimist says, “Tomorrow is another day.”

BasilBruce's comment.

 

[anyonebutangel]

View attachment 268637
and people updating status before their smartphone goes dead

 

[wrobel]

 

[jack action]

The legend says that if you fishtail in front of a police car, you will hear the siren song.

 

[anyonebutangel]

ever tried?

The legend says that if you fishtail in fr

 

[jack action]

ever tried?

I've seen a lot of lights flashing, but could never hear the chant.

 

[anyonebutangel]

I've seen a lot of lights flashing, but could never hear the chant.

now that is humour!

 

[jtbell]

How does a wild boar capture its prey?

By backing it into a corner and talking it to death.

 

[davenn]

 

[mfb]

 

[davenn]

Fencing is the ultimate COVID-19 sport.
You wear a mask, gloves and if anyone gets within 6 feet, you stab them.

 

[etotheipi]

 

[etotheipi]

 

[etotheipi]

 

[nuuskur]

I mean, how do you argue against that? :D

 

[Keith_McClary]

xkcd