Collection of Lame Jokes

[WWGD]

That one took me a few moments...

Time you'll never get back ;).

I'll spare you the story of the gay shah and the geisha.

 

[256bits]

There is an actor called Christian Slater. Would be nice if he made a movie with someone called Mo Slimsnau...( Mo Slimsnau and Christian Slater).

What's a "snau"?

 

[WWGD]

What's a "snau"?

Just a stretch/made up term so I can say " Muslims Now and Christians Latter". Anything for a bizarre bad pun ;).

 

[256bits]

Just a stretch/made up term so I can say " Muslims Now and Christians Latter". Anything for a bizarre bad pun ;).

Oh I thought it might be an endearing term for Mr. Snuffleupagus from his wife as she coos in his ear before they retire for the night.

 

[Ibix]

Me: <looks both ways, goes into dark alley, raps sharply on unmarked door>
Doorman: <opens slit in door, looks out suspiciously> Say the password.
Me: The password.
Doorman: Welcome to the Lame Joke Club, Sir.

(Intriguingly, also works for gaining entry to the Mines of Moria.)

 

[jack action]

 

[256bits]

Sounds like a good name for a drink.
Judge walks into a bar.
Bartender:What'l you have.
Judge: A maximum Sentence.
Linguistic: A maximum Sentence
English Teacher: A maximum Sentence
Bartender: Concurrently, or consequently served?

 

[fresh_42]

Judge walks into a bar.
Bartender:What'l you have.
Judge: A maximum Sentence.
Bartender: Sit down, it'll take a while.
Judge (after hours of waiting): What's your name?
Bartender: Chomsky.

 

[jack action]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[256bits]

that girl looking into the car - I bet her fates hurt from too much street walking in those shoes.
tourist tip - wear suitable footwear when exploring the city sights.

 

[phinds]

 

[WWGD]

 

[phinds]

 

[Keith_McClary]

View attachment 272908

If you like that, see James Fridman.

 

[fresh_42]

Customer: "Are the $2,000 on my account plus or minus?"
Bank clerk: "Am I an electrician?"

 

[DrGreg]

Customer: "Are the $2,000 on my account plus or minus?"
Bank clerk: "Am I an electrician?"

Is that a current account?

 

[WWGD]

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[davenn]

 

[phinds]

Took me a while on that one.

 

[davenn]

another on the same theme ...

 

[davenn]

Took me a while on that one.

when is turkey day ? 24 ?

so tuesday this year

 

[Keith_McClary]

Which of these two Bizarro Potato Head cartoon versions do you think is funnier?

 

[Ibix]

I agree with the cartoonist - the speech bubble coming from Mr, not Mrs, is funnier. I'm really surprised that people didn't even get it, because my immediate reaction to the first one (before I saw the second) was to think it'd make more sense for him to be saying it.

 

[jbriggs444]

when is turkey day ? 24 ?

Google links to https://www.archives.gov/legislative/features/thanksgiving:

On October 6, 1941, the House passed a joint resolution declaring the last Thursday in November to be the legal Thanksgiving Day. The Senate, however, amended the resolution establishing the holiday as the fourth Thursday, which would take into account those years when November has five Thursdays.

 

[DrGreg]

Google links to https://www.archives.gov/legislative/features/thanksgiving:

On October 6, 1941, the House passed a joint resolution declaring the last Thursday in November to be the legal Thanksgiving Day. The Senate, however, amended the resolution establishing the holiday as the fourth Thursday, which would take into account those years when November has five Thursdays.

Those of us who live outside the US associate turkeys with 25 December, not the day before Black Friday.

 

[fresh_42]

Those of us who live outside the US associate turkeys with 25 December, not the day before Black Friday.

I associate Döner Kebabs. Turkey is only eaten by those on their way to become vegan. We eat geese.

 

[mfb]

Which of these two Bizarro Potato Head cartoon versions do you think is funnier?

Combine them. Let the speech bubble come from both to have both interpretations in parallel.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[strangerep]

Babe I am Broke. [...]

Reminds me of an ancient Dave Allen joke...

A guy's car has broken down by the side of the road. The guy is bending over looking down into the engine bay trying to figure out what's wrong.

A drunk staggers up alongside him and peers over his shoulder at the engine.

Drunk: [with slurred speech]: "Eh! Waz za matter?"

Guy: Piston broke.

Drunk: ... Sho am I !

 

[shjacks45]

German humor:

Did anyone see Das Boot. I love the ending! Classic German Irony.

Not lame humor but one of my favorites.

Which one: the movie with subtitles, the movie with voicover, or the remake?

 

[berkeman]

Which one: the movie with subtitles, the movie with voicover, or the remake?

Um, Ivan is unlikely to answer your query. The post you quoted is from 2004, and Ivan was "last seen" at PF in 2016.

 

[Fervent Freyja]

 

[Fervent Freyja]

 

[wrobel]

TEXT: Dear, why does our child stutter?

 

[BillTre]

 

[WWGD]

 

[phinds]

Favorite bumper stickers:

I will never sell out
unless I get a lot of money for it

You can pick your nose
and you can pick your friends
but you can't wipe your friends on the couch

When life gives you lemons
just shut up and eat your lemons
and leave me out of it

Always follow your dreams
except for the one where you
are at school in your underwear

​

 

[Borg]

A hot beverage would be better.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Ibix]

Past, Present, and Future ended up in a Mexican stand-off. It was a tense situation.

 

[fresh_42]

Past, Present, and Future ended up in a Mexican stand-off. It was a tense situation.

And the survivor was sentenced.

 

[phinds]

For those older U.S.A. folks among us:

In order for these Q's and A's from The Hollywood Squares to be funny, you have to be able to bring to mind Paul Lynde's on-screen persona and idiosyncratic style. If you DO remember him well, this should be a fun read. If you don't then I can only add that Mel Brooks once described Lynde as being capable of getting laughs by "reading a phone book, tornado alert, or seed catalogue" and I believe it, but you have to have seen him to appreciate it.

Q: "The Great White" is one of the world's more feared animals. What is it?
Lynde: A sheriff in Alabama.

Q: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Lynde: They give both milk AND cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies.

Q: What is the most abused and neglected part of your body
Lynde: Might be abused but it's not neglected

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Lynde: I don't know, but it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: Can you get an elephant drunk?
Lynde: Sure, but he still won't come up to your apartment.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
Lynde: They do if you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: If the right part were to come along, do you think George C. Scott would ever do a nude scene?
Lynde: You mean he doesn't HAVE the right part?

Q: Burt Reynolds was recently quoted as saying that Dinah Shore is in top form and he's never seen anyone so energetically throw herself into a ... what?
Lynde: Headboard.

Q: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees?
Lynde: Yes, as long as that's as far as it goes.

Q: Who would stay pregnant longer, your wife or your elephant?
Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

I remember Lynde well, and that last one just kills me.

 

[DrGreg]

Past, Present, and Future ended up in a Mexican stand-off. It was a tense situation.

Perfect.

 

[fresh_42]

Perfect.

Well, only conditionally.

 

[phinds]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm going to say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"