Collection of Lame Jokes

[DennisN]

Three more:

 

[WWGD]

I did not believe that FORD was so bad, at least over here. So I checked the statistics of our largest automobile association ...

View attachment 301303

Source: https://www.adac.de/rund-ums-fahrzeug/unfall-schaden-panne/adac-pannenstatistik/

What do the numbers measure/stand for?

 

[fresh_42]

What do the numbers measure/stand for?

Number of breakdowns in 2022 per 1,000 registered cars. The year denotes the first registration year.

 

[berkeman]

What do the numbers measure/stand for?

Sheesh! Didn't you read his link?

In der Pannenstatistik-Tabelle finden Sie alle gewerteten Modellreihen, alphabetisch sortiert und in Fahrzeugklassen eingeteilt. Hinweis: Wenn Sie auf einen der Umschaltpfeile am Kopf der Tabelle klicken, bekommen Sie die jeweils nächste Fahrzeugklasse angezeigt. Die Bewertung der Pannenhäufigkeit folgt dem Farbschema Dunkelgrün (= sehr niedrig ) bis Rot (= sehr hoch).

 

[fresh_42]

Sheesh! Didn't you read his link?

Chrome plus right-click "Translate to English" works fine!

 

[berkeman]

Chrome plus right-click "Translate to English" works fine!

TIL !

 

[fresh_42]

TIL !

It probably won't win a prize for eloquent expressions, but it is not bad. And the more formulas and numbers a page has, the better the translation. I sometimes use it in case I find a German Wikipedia page better than the English version since I'm usually too lazy to translate it. It delivers 90% of the work and I only have to correct the mistakes. It multiplies the number of available pages enormously. But I admit that German and English are not that different, so the results are normally good enough.

 

[berkeman]

It's interesting that Firefox does not have such a convenient mechanism, but I guess since Chrome and Google Translate are related by <a large corporation named for a large number>, it makes sense to have that level of integration.

 

[fresh_42]

It's interesting that Firefox does not have such a convenient mechanism, but I guess since Chrome and Google Translate are related by <a large corporation named for a large number>, it makes sense to have that level of integration.

Yes, I have a similar suspicion.

I don't like the memory management in FF. Chrome splits into various threads whereas FF piles up in one. I hate to say it, but big <insert a company or branch of your choice> isn't automatically evil.

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[mfb]

Our Ford joke is less nasty. But it plays with words, hence cannot be translated.

Why have I never heard of "Für Ossis reicht das" before?
("Good enough for people in/from East Germany", although the translation loses some of the meaning)

 

[fresh_42]

Why have I never heard of "Für Ossis reicht das" before?
("Good enough for people in/from East Germany", although the translation loses some of the meaning)

Mine goes:

"What is the oldest car in the world?"
"A Ford. In der Bibel steht, Adam und Eva trieben es in einem Ford."

 

[sophiecentaur]

View attachment 301060​

A chance to look up old friends?

 

[wrobel]

Middle ages. Two fortresses are fighting each other. The first one shoots a cannonball. The second one shoots. The first one shoots. The fighting stops. The second fortress sends a negotiator to ask: why have we stopped fighting? The first one answers: you have got the cannonball.

 

[Steve4Physics]

Patient: I have terrible wind doctor. It’s very uncomfortable. Fortunately it is odourless. And when I break-wind it is silent. In fact it’s happening now.

Doctor: Try this [writes prescription].

One week later…

Patient: That medicine for my wind was terrible doctor. I still have wind but now it smells absolutely dreadful.

Doctor: Ah, good. That’s your sense of smell sorted. Let’s see what we can do about the deafness.

 

[David Lewis]

A Piranha can devour a small child in 30 seconds!

Anyways, I lost my job at SeaWorld today...

 

[David Lewis]

An inebriated gentleman runs up to a policeman: “Officer, you got to help me. Somebody stole my car!”

“OK, sir, where did you have your car last?”

(Holding up ignition key) “Right here on the end of this key!”

“Alright,” smiled the cop, “Let’s go down to the station and report it. And before we go, please zip up your zipper.”

The drunk looks down and says, “Oh, my God. Somebody stole my girlfriend too.”

 

[David Lewis]

Running low on cash, I went into Mini Mart and said, "I'd like $5 on pump number one."
The clerk said, "Where are you going? Pump number two?"

 

[WWGD]

Vin Diesel or as I call him "biofuel" seems to have a look a like living in Thailand

View attachment 300634https://mothership.sg/2022/02/vin-diesel-lookalike-thailand/
I can't wait to see the "2 Fast & 2 Jinping - drifting in Beijing" edition

I hear there's a website that will help you find your doppelganger(s) if you input your pic.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[nsaspook]

On the Russian front in Ukraine.


Raking the forests is next.

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[artis]

Just watched a Ukrainian interview with a captured Russian officer of the lowest rank, 25 year old.
Among other things he says his column before crossing the border on 25th of February was at the border. It was getting dark outside. Some from the top of the column launched a drone for areal reconnaissance. Since the column was long some soldiers from the back didn't have their radios on. They saw some flickering lights in the sky and heard sound and shot down the drone after it had operated for roughly 10 minutes.

The Ukrainian interviewer starts to laugh mildly, another man in the back exclaims "glory to the second best army in the world!"

 

[artis]

This just in: Europe has updated it's Scandinavian map

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[nsaspook]

How bad are things today with food shortages and another Bitcoin crash?

Terrorists are now demanding that the ransoms of kidnapped Americans be paid in canned goods.

 

[David Lewis]

Daughter: “Mom, I gave birth to triplets. Isn’t that exciting? You know triplets are conceived only once in every 2 million times.”

Mother: “My heavens, Deborah, when did you have time to do housework?”

 

[WWGD]

 

[David Lewis]

If you get an email with the subject line "KNOCK KNOCK", don't open it.

It's a Jehovah's Witness working from home.

 

[fresh_42]

If you get an email with the subject line "KNOCK KNOCK", don't open it.

It's a Jehovah's Witness working from home.

I don't understand why they don't stop their marketing campaign. If I understood it correctly, then they can only offer a few thousand places in heaven. Not that I only haven't any chance, I also don't understand why they look for competition.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

The more it changes, the more it remains the same:

 

[fresh_42]

There are 2 big problems in life:
1.) Coffee gets cold.
2.) Beer does not.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[strangerep]

The more it changes, the more it remains the same:View attachment 301540

That bottom picture needs some lyrics...

"Oh baby I lurve... you... so.
Baby I need... you... now!
I CAN'T GO ON!"

 

[DennisN]

I don't understand why they don't stop their marketing campaign.

Because they work for a guy who needs money.

 

[DennisN]

 

[David Lewis]

The week I got my puppy, I caught a stomach bug
and stayed home from work one day. That afternoon,
my girlfriend called to check up on me.

"I'm OK," I said. "But guess who pooped in the dining room."

My girlfriend's response: "Who?"

 

[WWGD]

The week I got my puppy, I caught a stomach bug
and stayed home from work one day. That afternoon,
my girlfriend called to check up on me.

"I'm OK," I said. "But guess who pooped in the dining room."

My girlfriend's response: "Who?"

Your fault for letting the dog out. Who(you) let the dog out?

 

[DennisN]

These puns are so bad, I'm going to Haydn myself.

 

[jtbell]

How bad is inflation?

It's soooo bad that...

America's favorite TV game show is going to rename itself from "The Price Is Right" to "The Price Is WHAT?!"

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 301539

Hmmm... and some people say birds aren't real. Maybe those drones aren't just surveilling people, they're spraying viruses. And maybe they're operated not by the US government, but by Klingons.

 

[DrGreg]

America's favorite TV game show is going to rename itself from "The Price Is Right" to "The Price Is WHAT?!"

Or "The Price Was Right at the Time of Recording".

 

[fresh_42]

Hmmm... and some people say birds aren't real. Maybe those drones aren't just surveilling people, they're spraying viruses. And maybe they're operated not by the US government, but by Klingons.

They only operate birds of prey. And there is one confirmed sighting in the Golden Gate Park.