Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an auto mechanic?
A: A quantum mechanic can get his car into the garage without opening the door.

I have seen pictures of people achieving this without being a quantum mechanic.

 

[Ibix]

Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an auto mechanic?
A: A quantum mechanic can get his car into the garage without opening the door.

https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/collection-of-science-jokes-p2.847743/post-6253093

 

[nsaspook]

I have seen pictures of people achieving this without being a quantum mechanic.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[DennisN]

 

[DennisN]

 

[DennisN]

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 333035

"Sure, just let me off at the pyramid."

 

[jtbell]

Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an auto mechanic?
A: A quantum mechanic can get his car into the garage without opening the door.

A2: A quantum mechanic can get his car into his two-car garage by going through both doors simultaneously.

 

[DrGreg]

A2: A quantum mechanic can get his car into his two-car garage by going through both doors simultaneously.

Whereas a relativistic mechanic can get two cars into a one-car garage by going fast enough.

(But not for very long, and not everyone will agree that he's achieved it.)

 

[fresh_42]

Whereas a relativistic mechanic can get two cars into a one-car garage by going fast enough.

(But not for very long, and not everyone will agree that he's achieved it.)

A relativistic mechanic can't get past the door!

 

[jack action]

 

[topsquark]

View attachment 333259​

My Dad always wanted to ditch his career as a High School History teacher and play the triangle for the Boston Pops.

(Of course, he also gave up watermelon for Lent every year...)

-Dan

 

[Ibix]

A relativistic mechanic can't get past the door!

At $\frac{\sqrt 3}2c$ (needed for a length contraction factor of 2), he is coming through your garage door. Or his atomised remains are, anyway.

 

[DennisN]

Trolling airplanes...
...a quite unusual but creative hobby...

An artist trolling planes:

(from https://www.boredpanda.com/funny-trolling/)

 

[DaveC426913]

A2: A quantum mechanic can get his car into his two-car garage by going through both doors simultaneously.

There was this gynecologist who walked away from his career to go take up a new trade as an auto repair man.

He drew crowds every time he worked on a car, disassembling and re-assembling the engine entirely through the tailpipe.

 

[DaveC426913]

Apologies. That was lazy design.
I should have parameterized it for greater reusability.

There was this [profession] who walked away from his career to go take up a new trade as an auto repair man.
He drew crowds every time he worked on a car, [activity].

| profession | activity |
| gynecologist | disassembling and re-assembling the engine entirely through the tailpipe |
| proctologist | lubing up and saying, 'Now just try to idle' |
| general practitioner | grabbing the muffler and saying 'Turn your head and backfire' |

 

[fresh_42]

 

[topsquark]

View attachment 333306

This thread should be deleted for its "toxic" content.

-Dan

 

[fresh_42]

This thread should be deleted for its "toxic" content.

-Dan

I don't get it. Is that a pun about Britney's mental health problems? Or a criticism about "fake news" on the internet? Or a hint that irony doesn't transport well on the internet?

 

[Ibix]

I don't get it. Is that a pun about Britney's mental health problems? Or a criticism about "fake news" on the internet? Or a hint that irony doesn't transport well on the internet?

Toxic is a song by Britney Spears, in the video for which she wears the outfit pictured in your post.

View attachment 333306

For info, the first commercial flight was indeed on January 1st 1914. Total complement was one pilot and one passenger in an unenclosed cabin. https://www.space.com/16657-worlds-first-commercial-airline-the-greatest-moments-in-flight.html

 

[jack action]

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 333328​

I liked my Hungarian prof's( in the Pittsburgh area)" You have a friend in Transylvania "

 

[berkeman]

Total complement was one pilot and one passenger in an unenclosed cabin. https://www.space.com/16657-worlds-first-commercial-airline-the-greatest-moments-in-flight.html

Little-known fact -- That first paying passenger Tony Jannus was the great-grandfather of San Francisco 49ers quarterback and wunderkind Brock Purdy!

 

[DennisN]

I was browsing Amazon.de (German Amazon) for a compass and found one with a good rating.
But I got uncertain after I read this customer review... it seems dangerous to wear the compass around the neck:

But I'll be careful... I will buy it and put the compass in my pocket instead.

 

[JT Smith]

Little-known fact -- That first paying passenger Tony Jannus was the great-grandfather of San Francisco 49ers quarterback and wunderkind Brock Purdy!

Not many people have heard about Tony's brother Hugh as he was one big a-hole.

 

[DennisN]

(shoutout to all Beatles fans, including @pinball1970 and @ZapperZ )

I could easily see myself doing exactly this thing... it's my kind of humor...

The guy first plays stupid in a joke, and then after many people take it way too seriously and even get upset, he continues to play stupid, again and again in a hilarious way.

Never give up, never surrender when doing comedy like this! #20 You Know You're Good At Trolling When You P-ss Off The Entire Internet

(from https://www.boredpanda.com/funny-trolling/)

(I wouldn't do it on PF though; here I usually don't play stupid, so if I sound stupid here, it's probably not a play. )

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Edit, a bonus trolling example:

A 141 Years Old Troll (from the same article link above):

I love this one because it is so weird... what an experience it must have been to be
trolled by a long-dead person:

 

[WWGD]

Just received this in my inbox :
" Don't ignore your pest problem".
My reply: " You're right. That's why I just unsubscribed and blocked you".

 

[jack action]

What lies on the ground, 100 feet in the air?

Spoiler: Answer

A dead centipede.

 

[Ibix]

What lies on the ground, 100 feet in the air?

Spoiler: Answer

A dead centipede.

@phinds, your wolf image is needed...

 

[pinball1970]

@phinds, your wolf image is needed...

I'm no Phinds but but I can do a decent b dum dishhhhh.

 

[Borg]

A 141 Years Old Troll (from the same article link above):

I think that in our future, AI will be able to generate a facsimile of us from our online postings and allow future generations to have conversations with us. Some people would be in serious trouble.

Borg will be seen as a visionary for predicting this capability. To those in the future, go to page 151.

 

[Ibix]

To those in the future, go to page 150.

<Searches for marginal notes>.

 

[BillTre]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 333416

Who needs Zeno of Elea and his paradoxes if we have the internet? Bertrand Russell would have been delighted!

 

[BillTre]

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 333417

It makes me feel slightly less sad if/when they get killed ;).

 

[DaveC426913]

I think that in our future, AI will be able to generate a facsimile of us from our online postings and allow future generations to have conversations with us. Some people would be in serious trouble.

This has hair-raising shades of Roko's Basilisk.

"...an otherwise benevolent artificial superintelligence (AI) in the future would be incentivized to create a virtual reality simulation to torture anyone who knew of its potential existence but did not directly contribute to its advancement or development, in order to incentivise said advancement."

The creepy part being

"...its stipulation that knowing about the theory and its basilisk made one vulnerable to the basilisk itself."

 

[fresh_42]

"What do you look like? Where did you get your black eyes from?"

"You remember that I have this latent OCD problem? Now there was this woman in front of me on the escalator in the department store with her skirt stuck up her butt. I pulled it out and she turned around and slapped me hard!"

"And the other eye?"

"I pushed it back in."

 

[fresh_42]

Here's a riddle: Who gets to drive first?

Spoiler

I could have erased the German comment since the picture is self-explaining, but that would have caused an upload of an entire picture instead of only a few bytes for the link.

 

[fresh_42]

I could have erased the German comment since the picture is self-explaining, but that would have caused an upload of an entire picture instead of only a few bytes for the link.

 

[topsquark]

Ach!

-Dan

 

[strangerep]

Who gets to drive first?

I experienced that a couple of times in Malaysia. On some intersections without traffic lights, people would just start driving across if the 1st lane was open and then wait for an opening in the 2nd lane, then completing the crossing. Once traffic densities from multiple directions reached a threshold the result was a Gordian knot. We all had to wait for a policeman to come along on a motorbike and sort it out.

They had a similar mentality with elevators: when the doors opened, people outside would just push to get in, all together, while those inside were trying to get out, all together.

 

[Ibix]

I was driving a hearse on the motorway. The police pulled me over for undertaking.

 

[Borg]

To those in the future, go to page 150.

<Searches for marginal notes>.

Hmm, maybe it's page 151.

 

[jack action]

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

No matter how good the hand soap smells, never walk out of a bathroom sniffing your fingers.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[davenn]