Dating Advice: Erotic Poetry for Cards

[BobG]

I need some quick opinions on erotic poetry to include in a card:

The Song of Solomon:

A

Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.
Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them.
Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks.
Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men.
Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.

B

I sleep, but my heart waketh: it is the voice of my beloved that knocketh, saying, Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my undefiled: for my head is filled with dew, and my locks with the drops of the night.
I have put off my coat; how shall I put it on? I have washed my feet; how shall I defile them?
My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.
I rose up to open to my beloved; and my hands dropped with myrrh, and my fingers with sweet smelling myrrh, upon the handles of the lock.
I opened to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself, and was gone: my soul failed when he spake: I sought him, but I could not find him; I called him, but he gave me no answer.

or the Book of John Solomon

C

My love, I love watching
you, slowly eating
vanilla ice cream,
melting it all down until
nothing but the cone remains,
and suddenly I realize
I’d like to sit beside you,
my dear, right here, right now.
Oh, wow!

D

When you are looking up,
and I am looking down,
leaning over the corner
of our King-size bed,
I always last a lot longer.
I think sometimes I could go on
forever, and I feel like such
a lover when I hear you
holler my name.

E

You are a desperate woman.
I can see it in your eyes.
Maybe I’ll play hard to get,
pretend I’m not in the mood,
let you try a lot of things,
see if you are willing to do
anything and everything
to get me to turn off the light,
and bonk you in bed tonight.

 

[DaveC426913]

C is the most erotic IMO.

It's plain and simple, leaving the eroticism to the concepts rather than to the floweriness of the words.

The others will get either a laugh (which is fine, but not necessarily erotic) or a slap (unless they're flattered to be compared to a goat) or are trying too hard.




Of course, who am I to opine...

My best line was "Baby I just love the crap outta ya."

 

[Astronuc]

None of the above.

They all seem a bit much for someone one just started dating, and clearly D is down the road, unless you've already been "leaning over the corner of your King-size bed".

E is definitely out. Clearly the woman dates men of quality, hence she's not desperate.

C seems to be the best of that set though.

 

[tribdog]

Here's a better one. Written by some guy named tribdog. You can use it free of charge.

I'll never fly to far off places.
I'll never leave you home alone.
I'll never put you through your paces.
I'll never use a harsher tone.

I'll never make you do the dishes.
I'll never call you something bad.
I'll never go against your wishes.
I'll never even make you mad.

You know I can't do all of this
Unless I'm a perfect guy.
I'm not. So settle for a kiss.
And know I love you, so I'll try.

 

[lisab]

Here's a better one. Written by some guy named tribdog. You can use it free of charge.

I'll never fly to far off places.
I'll never leave you home alone.
I'll never put you through your paces.
I'll never use a harsher tone.

I'll never make you do the dishes.
I'll never call you something bad.
I'll never go against your wishes.
I'll never even make you mad.

You know I can't do all of this
Unless I'm a perfect guy.
I'm not. So settle for a kiss.
And know I love you, so I'll try.

Nice, trib.

 

[BobG]

Of course, who am I to opine...

My best line was "Baby I just love the crap outta ya."

So that's option B, then, right? I mean, at least I wouldn't leave empty handed.

 

[zoobyshoe]

It all completely depends on whether you've already bonked her or not. If you haven't, forget the card. If you have, forget the card.

 

[BobG]

Ah, I found my answer - it's Walt Whitman's "I Sing the Body Electric".

Holy cow! He beats the heck out of Solomon, whether it's the Book of Solomon, the Wisdom of Solomon, the Song of Solomon, or the book of John Solomon.

Next problem: If Walt Whitman's "I Sing the Body Electric" is the answer, what was the real question (the one that sent me searching through the Solomons)?

Hint: There might be a sequel.

Oh, I should include a link to the poem

This is the female form;
A divine nimbus exhales from it from head to foot;
It attracts with fierce undeniable attraction!
I am drawn by its breath as if I were no more than a helpless vapor—all falls aside but myself and it;
Books, art, religion, time, the visible and solid earth, the atmosphere and the clouds, and what was expected of heaven or fear’d of hell, are now consumed;
Mad filaments, ungovernable shoots play out of it—the response likewise ungovernable;
Hair, bosom, hips, bend of legs, negligent falling hands, all diffused—mine too diffused;
Ebb stung by the flow, and flow stung by the ebb—love-flesh swelling and deliciously aching;
Limitless limpid jets of love hot and enormous, quivering jelly of love, white-blow and delirious juice;
Bridegroom night of love, working surely and softly into the prostrate dawn;
Undulating into the willing and yielding day,
Lost in the cleave of the clasping and sweet-flesh’d day.

 

[whybother]

This is hilarious. Not erotic, but damn hilarious. Any girl who goes for any of your options is awesome though.

 

[Astronuc]

How about -

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
What you see is what you get,
So it'll have to do - please!



I like tribdog's poem. It's trib at his best!

 

[Kurdt]

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day would be more appropriate in my opinion.

 

[Evo]

BobG, "This is my beloved" by Walter Benton. You will never need another source. Heck, just give her the miniature book.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0394404580/?tag=pfamazon01-20

 

[phyzmatix]

This may be a tad x-rated, but you did ask for erotic

I like my body when it is with your body,
It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its bows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
firm-smoothness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your exotic fur, and what-is-it comes
over panting flesh…and eyes big love crumbs,
and possibly I like the thrill
of under me you so quite new

-- e.e cummings

 

[Galatea]

Rilke's third poem from his seven phallic poems is kind of awesome and hilarious. (Probably not what you're going for, but I felt compelled to share nonetheless.)

We close a circle by means of our gazes,
and in it the tangled tension fuses white.
Already your unwitting command raises
the column in my genital-woodsite.

Granted by you, the image of the god stands
at the gentle crossroads under my clothes;
my whole body is named after him. We both
matter like a province in his magic lands.

Yet yours is to be grove and heaven around
the Hermean pillar. Yield, Thereby freedom
for the god along with his hounds,
withdrawn from the delightfully ravaged column.

Paul Verlaine also wrote a number of erotic poems.

 

[Vanadium 50]

Here's one I don't recommend:

You mean all the world to me.
Without you I can't be free.
You make me pant considerably.
You're my love guppy.

You have the finest rosebud's taste.
Without you my life is waste,
I'll stick to you like Elmer's paste.
You're my love guppy.

I'd break through a citadel.
I'd fight with a raging bull,
Though winning would seem improbable.
You're my love guppy.

My love's as strong as the mid-ocean ridge.
You shine like the rainbow bridge
or like that light inside my fridge.
You're my love guppy.

For you I'd consume haggis,
or lose the joys of Bacchus,
or live in sin with Mike Dukakis.
You're my love guppy.

No time's too long for me to wait.
For you, I'd fight against Fate,
though maybe you could lose some weight,
You're my love guppy.

Without you, I'd be not whole,
I would have to sell my soul,
or gulp a quart of Tide-E-Bowl.
You're my love guppy.

My passion is always mounting.
I'm like a geyser founting.
Well, maybe not, but who's counting?
You're my love guppy.

The love that is the more intense
always has the most silence,
like quiet bursts of flatulence.
You're my love guppy.

I know that my love is true.
I know that you'll love me too,
or I'll hold my breath 'till I turn blue
You're my love guppy.

I'd not forget you if I tried.
You make me all warm inside.
My love's as pure as Naugahyde.
You're my love guppy.

Then I hear the words let slip
From betwixt impatient lips,
"I want to have a relationship.
You're my love guppy."

 

[Moonbear]

Wait! Stop! Don't do anything until Cyrus gets here!

Maybe I missed something in other threads, but this seems like a bad idea. I think Zoobie put it best. If you haven't yet been intimate, these would seem horrendously forward and off-putting. If you have already been intimate, using a poem written by someone else would seem cold and distant, at least when just starting out dating. These choices seem more like something to use only after you're in a sufficiently long-term relationship that she'll know she can definitely laugh and play with you when she gets these poems and not look at you sidelong wondering if you're just another creepy lecher.

 

[BobG]

Ah, I found my answer - it's Walt Whitman's "I Sing the Body Electric".

Holy cow! He beats the heck out of Solomon, whether it's the Book of Solomon, the Wisdom of Solomon, the Song of Solomon, or the book of John Solomon.

Next problem: If Walt Whitman's "I Sing the Body Electric" is the answer, what was the real question (the one that sent me searching through the Solomons)?

Hint: There might be a sequel.

Oh, I should include a link to the poem

Geez, guys, just because two events are closesly correlated in time, it doesn't mean causation.

Anyway, no one's biting on this, so I'll just give you the question to the answer:

What was Annie reading to Nuke in the movie Bull Durham?

(Someone suggested it was from the Book of Solomon, which kind of shocked me - the Bible has erotic poetry? Yes, it does - options A & B are from the Bible)

And don't worry. Handcuffs and erotic poetry are only for first dates.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Personally I would write it myself or find something absolutely spectacular which actual looking is unlikely to produce. Its usually something you just happen across that hits you as perfect.

 

[BobG]

Here's one I don't recommend:

You mean all the world to me.
Without you I can't be free.
You make me pant considerably.
You're my love guppy...

You need to include the author's name (Greg Roelof ?). That one doesn't seem to work so well.

About a year after I wrote it, I actually gave it to a woman of whom I was enamored. Four days later, she decided she really was a lesbian after all.

 

[BobG]

Eureka! It finally came to me.

We'll take a moonlight stroll through the Garden of the Gods and I'll carve the poem,

$$i^2=j^2=k^2=ijk=-1$$

right into the rocks.

Short, succinct, to the point, and erotic as all hell.