Dating for Nerds: A Shy Guy's Guide to Meeting Women

[Winzer]

Ok, so I have little to no experience with girls. I am the shy and reserved person who struggles to meet people. Some how I have friends that are completely opposite. Dating different girls every other week.

Recently I have been thinking about breaking out of my shell, for an obvious reason. I am staying with some relatives and I just realized this hot GERMAN girls lives across the street! Now I am thinking about approaching her, but this is completely out of character for me.

What do I do? I am in unchartered waters.
Is there a simple PDE I can solve for this?

For the girls:
If a guy approaches you and asks for your number is it creepy?

 

[Pengwuino]

Yes there is a PDE, however the solutions have multiple singularities that destroy the fabric of space-time. It is considered the most accurate model to date.

 

[Winzer]

Yes there is a PDE, however the solutions have multiple singularities that destroy the fabric of space-time. It is considered the most accurate model to date.

Darn. I always thought the PDE would be the heat equation with simple boundary conditions.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Locked pending Cyrus' return.

 

[Pengwuino]

Locked pending Cyrus' return.

Where is that **** anyways? My Cyrus-Siren hasn't gone off lately alerting me to a new thread of his for me to trash.

 

[Pengwuino]

Oh wait was there a question to this thread?

Yah anyhow, do you actually know this girl? is there anywhere you see her often?

 

[Winzer]

Oh wait was there a question to this thread?

Yah anyhow, do you actually know this girl? is there anywhere you see her often?

No, I don't know her. I have seen her take the same bus from time to time.

 

[Pengwuino]

No, I don't know her. I have seen her take the same bus from time to time.

Is this a bus you ride? or is this just some hot chick you saw and want to hit that

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

No, I don't know her. I have seen her take the same bus from time to time.

I once asked out a girl I met while riding the bus. She had started talking to me first so it was a bit easier than it may be in your case. I also once asked a girl for her number even though I had never talked to her before. She had a boyfriend apparently but seemed flattered, at least she was nice to me and tried striking up a conversation with me the next time she saw me.
Different girls will react differently though.

 

[cristo]

Is this a bus you ride? or is this just some hot chick you saw and want to hit that

Isn't that classed as stalking in most places?

 

[Pengwuino]

Isn't that classed as stalking in most places?

only if you get caught.

 

[Winzer]

Isn't that classed as stalking in most places?

It could be noted as simple observation.
I am not stalking her.

How should I strike up a conversation?
"So..that economy is somethin..."
??

Or should I go right for the kill and ask her out?

 

[cristo]

Why don't you just introduce yourself to her, and see where the conversation goes?

 

[Winzer]

I once asked out a girl I met while riding the bus. She had started talking to me first so it was a bit easier than it may be in your case. I also once asked a girl for her number even though I had never talked to her before. She had a boyfriend apparently but seemed flattered, at least she was nice to me and tried striking up a conversation with me the next time she saw me.
Different girls will react differently though.

Did you honestly say" What is your number?".
Sounds like things didn't turn out too bad. Did you become friend with this girl later on?

 

[Winzer]

Why don't you just introduce yourself to her, and see where the conversation goes?

Is this normal? I have not seen anyone go up to some girl and say: "Hi, I'm such and such.."

 

[Pengwuino]

How should I strike up a conversation?
"So..that economy is somethin..."
??

Or should I go right for the kill and ask her out?

If you've never talked to her and you "run into her", say something like "hey, don't you live down the street?" and then introduce yourself. If you just want to just flat up go up to her just say "hey there, I am so and so, i live down the street and wanted to say hi" and go from there. I honestly think any girl with great looks that goes out with anyone that walks up to them and asks them to go out must be a little... you know!

 

[Pengwuino]

Is this normal? I have not seen anyone go up to some girl and say: "Hi, I'm such and such.."

It works. I remember I was doing some homework in one of the bulidings on campus last year and I sat next to this girl. I wasnt looking to talk to her, i just needed a place to sit. She commented on my homework and we talked and introduced ourselves, nothing awkward or anything.

 

[cristo]

Is this normal? I have not seen anyone go up to some girl and say: "Hi, I'm such and such.."

Obviously if you just stroll up to a random and do it it'll be a bit weird, but there's nothing wrong with introducing yourself to the neighbours!

 

[Winzer]

"hey there, I am so and so, i live down the street and wanted to say hi" !

Seriously? It sounds so incomplete. Girls respond to this?

 

[Pengwuino]

Seriously? It sounds so incomplete. Girls respond to this?

They're human too*. If someone came up to you and said they were your neighbor and wanted to say hi, you'd introduce yourself too right? Then you can start up a conversation... what do you do... how long have you lived in the neighborhood... whatever


*Disclaimer: False

 

[Winzer]

Looks like conversation is most of the battle.

 

[Pengwuino]

Looks like conversation is most of the battle.

Just ask questions and try not to ... act like a nerd?. No one likes being approached by people who are seemingly only interested in talking about themselves. Also don't ask anything too private. Also remember, at some point the conversation just needs to end, there's always the next time!

 

[Winzer]

Just ask questions and try not to ... act like a nerd?. No one likes being approached by people who are seemingly only interested in talking about themselves. Also don't ask anything too private. Also remember, at some point the conversation just needs to end, there's always the next time!

So would the following be good strategy?
1) Get her to talk about herself as much as possible--they like this??
2) Agree with most things she says
3) Flatter her as much as possible

 

[Pengwuino]

So would the following be good strategy?
1) Get her to talk about herself as much as possible--they like this??
2) Agree with most things she says
3) Flatter her as much as possible

Depends, are you just looken for a good time or are you actually trying to look for a real relationship as the end-game here?

 

[Winzer]

Depends, are you just looken for a good time or are you actually trying to look for a real relationship as the end-game here?

Depends on what she turns out to be. Even just being a friend I would be cool with.

 

[Pengwuino]

Depends on what she turns out to be. Even just being a friend I would be cool with.

Oh, ok. Well for one, no, don't just get her to talk about herself, just make sure you're not always talking about yourself. The agreeing and flattering her stuff is stupid, however. For one, people can see right through it sometimes. You need to actively talk to people. If they say something you disagree with, engage them in a discussion about it. Don't do the whole "wow that's soooo wrong, this is what I think!" stupidity, but talk to them... probably in the same way you'd talk to say, a teacher of yours. You don't want to be condescending and you don't want to violate any boundaries with how aggressive you are, but you don't want to be talked down to. The Golden Rule applies.

 

[Wallace]

You are not http://www.xkcd.com/55/" ...

 

[Moonbear]

So would the following be good strategy?
1) Get her to talk about herself as much as possible--they like this??
2) Agree with most things she says
3) Flatter her as much as possible

I agree with Cristo and Pengwuino that you should just introduce yourself because she's your neighbor. Something like, "Hi, I thought I should finally get around to meeting my neigbors. I'm..."

As for what to talk about, find topics that you can share conversation about. It won't go well if you spend all your time grilling her with questions or just nodding about everything she says, nor will it go well if you start overdoing it with flattery. A little goes a long way when it comes to flattery, otherwise it gets embarrassing and you come across as a love-sick puppy dog.

Also, keep in mind, you do not yet know anything about her, including if she has a boyfriend already. Go easy at first until you can determine if she is available to date.

And, unless she tells you that she's studying physics, don't talk about physics until you put a ring on her finger! Okay, not that extreme, but the biggest mistake self-proclaimed nerds seem to make is to start gushing on about their OTHER passion...physics, math, whatever subject...and forget about the woman they are talking with and her interests. You can talk a little about it, but if it's not a common interest, try not to bore her with hours of lectures about it.

 

[BobG]

You are not http://www.xkcd.com/55/" ...

The fifth method actually works. You should practice a few times before interacting with humans, though.

 

[Topher925]

Just go over there and ask if you can borrow a cup of sugar for baking a chocolate cake (girls love chocolate cake). If you don't like baking then go over there and ask her if she has any tape followed by "because I'm ripped!" (do this while flexing your muscles, chicks love this).

 

[seycyrus]

Realize this, if the girl is even remotely interested in pursuing any sort of relationship with you, she will be wanting to break the ice as well. If she doesn't respond to you, at least you know where you stand.

There are simple things you can do to see her level of interest.

Ask her her name. Does she ask you for yours?

I wouldn't try to get her info on your first interaction. Your first interaction is to inform her that you are interested.

This is of course assuming that she is not blatantly eyeing you up. If so, just start talking. Your first pseudo-date is now on the bus.

 

[Astronuc]

"hey there, I am so and so, i live down the street and wanted to say hi" !

Seriously? It sounds so incomplete. Girls respond to this?

Some/many girls/women do.

When I worked at university in the maintenance department (job paid for school), I encountered a very attractive woman. I would ocassionally just happen to come across her while she was walking across campus. At first our exchanges were just an exchange of smiles, then exchanges of 'hellos', and then I started stopping and just chatting with her. I eventually found out in which department she worked, and stopped by. That's when I asked her out. We went to a great concert, and afterwards we went back to her place. Unfortunately, that's when I found out she was married - but separated. We remained friends for years (during which she divorced, re-married, divorced, ?), until I got married, and we lost track (she disappeared).

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Did you honestly say" What is your number?".
Sounds like things didn't turn out too bad. Did you become friend with this girl later on?

I saw her at her work. I only saw her again at her work once afterward and she was nice but I was embarassed.

Its not something I had ever done before (or since). I think I said something along the lines of "I'm not usually this forward but I was wondering if maybe I could get your number?"

I only did it because I never expected to see her again. Normally I would start by just smiling and saying hello. Then maybe saying more the next time I saw her. Something much the sort that Astro described.

 

[physics girl phd]

Since she lives near you, surely you can do something.

When I first lived in a new town, I was checking out a neighbor as a potential friend for weeks after she moved in (about three months later). I made friends with her cat on my front porch and felt guilty about it... but she seemed to never be around when me and the cat were hanging out. Finally one day I got a knock on my door... and she needed help getting a bird out of her fireplace (it came down the chimney... the flue was broken)... and she'd spied me going into my place. Afterwards, she said... I'm just about to start a movie... and I had beer in my fridge to bring over... and we pretty much best friends after that.

So you can seize the bull by the horns and do something neighborly (like take over something and introduce yourself)... or you can wait and see if you run into each other via some set of circumstances. I'll say I'm sure glad that circumstances made me make a friend... and we BOTH said we wished we hadn't waited so long (we' been spying on each other for about a month) and just really introduced ourselves straightforward-like.

Of course we didn't have romantic intent (so no creepiness factor)... but like others have said... just try to get to know her if you're genuinely interested in a possible relationship (and then even if she's involved she may become friend to introduce you to other girls she knows!).

 

[BobG]

Recently I have been thinking about breaking out of my shell, for an obvious reason. I am staying with some relatives and I just realized this hot GERMAN girls lives across the street! Now I am thinking about approaching her, but this is completely out of character for me.

What do I do? I am in unchartered waters.
Is there a simple PDE I can solve for this?

For the girls:
If a guy approaches you and asks for your number is it creepy?

Actually, the appropriate PDE could be a good idea.

Remember, this isn't a one-way street where she's a trophy to be won by passing some hidden test. The "trophy" you win will be making massive changes to your life catering to her every whim just on the hope you get to make out once in a while.

You also want to see if she's worth winning - and nobody wants to date a girl that's clueless about PDE's.

Or, at least pick a topic of conversation that helps you figure out whether she's an airhead or not before you waste too much time on her.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

I'm not a nerd, so I can't help you out. My wife tells me she has a great deal of experience dating a nerd, but she refuses to help you out.

 

[Moonbear]

Seriously? It sounds so incomplete. Girls respond to this?

Remember, the first step is just to exchange names. It's the same as meeting new neighbors. You walk up, introduce yourself, stick out your hand to shake theirs and hopefully they tell you their name and shake your hand back. You might follow up with a few questions, "What do you do?" (i.e., what's your job) or if you're student age, "Where do you go to school?", or "Where did you move here from?" if they have just moved in recently, vs. "Have you lived here long?" if they are the existing neighbor and you're the new one. Then you just see where things go from there.

If you want other options, do a search for all the similar threads. I think those of us who have frequented GD for a long time could probably write a collaborative self-help book entitled, "So, You're a Nerd and Want to Ask Her on a Date..."

 

[junglebeast]

I think those of us who have frequented GD for a long time could probably write a collaborative self-help book entitled, "So, You're a Nerd and Want to Ask Her on a Date..."

Having experience giving advice doesn't necessarily mean the advice is any good

 

[Moonbear]

Having experience giving advice doesn't necessarily mean the advice is any good

Since when does that matter when writing a self-help book?

 

[Pyrrhus]

A word of advice: It doesn't matter what you say, what matters is the way you say it, and what you project.

Good luck!

 

[Moonbear]

A word of advice: It doesn't matter what you say, what matters is the way you say it, and what you project.

Good luck!

I hope you'll be understanding that we're going to put that one in the last chapter of the book...but not the last page...everyone reads the last page before buying the book. If they know that before they buy, they won't buy. Of course, we could put it in the middle, and then dedicate the remainder of the book to the ways of saying it and what is projected.

 

[Redbelly98]

A word of advice: It doesn't matter what you say, what matters is the way you say it, and what you project.

Yep. You definitely want to avoid coming across as some kind of weirdo or creep. In fact, consider it your mission to convince her you're not a weirdo or creep.

 

[MissSilvy]

Girls can smell fear and a lack of self-confidence. If you go up to her and keep acting shy and embarrassed, she'll most likely say no.

Also, yes, going up to her randomly without any prior contact and asking her out right away will get you labeled as creepy.

 

[27Thousand]

Girls can smell fear and a lack of self-confidence. If you go up to her and keep acting shy and embarrassed, she'll most likely say no.

Also, yes, going up to her randomly without any prior contact and asking her out right away will get you labeled as creepy.

I think that may be one practical implication of learning non-verbal flirting. Being able to figure out if they're receptive may increase the chances of not being seen as pushy, and help one appear to have good timing.

Now if I can come up with a mathematical equation

I'm thinking along these lines, in Algebra you learn how you have the Y & X axises, solve for Y, and predict Y from X. Well combining that with other principles, in mathematics/statistics they've created Linear Regression. Maybe if you have many X independent variables to look at you can increase the chances of figuring out the Y independent variable (whether she likes), or the concept of Multiple Regression. So first think

Then make it a multidimensional scatter plot, and when you have multiple X independent non-verbal behaviors and know the correlational coefficients for every single one, plus interaction effects (or interaction correlation coefficients), add it all up, predicting the Y dependent variable or the ability to read the woman may go up.

So what I want to do is email many of the authors of these peer-review journal articles begging them for their data sets. Then I could use statistical software to calculate an equation like:

y^ = b0 + b1x1 + b2x2 + ... bnxn
likelihood she likes guy ... (certain percent mathematical constant) times (non-verbal behavior yes or no) + (%)times(non-verbal behavior yes or no) + (%)times(two or possibly three happening at the same time) and so on with the equation. Then there could be an optimal cutoff threshold where after adding variables doesn't do much, but where excluding some may hinder predictability.

Then maybe something like Calculus could be added into take into account rate of change for the regression line which predicts. Then maybe other mathematical concepts could be added in.

 

[whs]

I used to think like you once. I was shy, scared to talk to girls etc. But then one day I decided that was it for me.

So I just started striking up conversations with just about any chick I happened to make eye contact with. You can literally say anything, and as long as your body language is confident/friendly, they will be happy to talk back. That's it.

Make a goal to talk to X number of girls next week/month what have you until you no longer are wondering such odd things. ("It seems so incomplete.." Seriously? Come on...)

If you see this girl across the street, throw your pen across the street at her and run over to it and say you were writing something and you dropped it. If you are still shy/creepy she will look at you weird, if you have learned the ways of normal human interaction, she will laugh.

 

[27Thousand]

I used to think like you once. I was shy, scared to talk to girls etc. But then one day I decided that was it for me.

So I just started striking up conversations with just about any chick I happened to make eye contact with. You can literally say anything, and as long as your body language is confident/friendly, they will be happy to talk back. That's it.

Make a goal to talk to X number of girls next week/month what have you until you no longer are wondering such odd things. ("It seems so incomplete.." Seriously? Come on...)

If you see this girl across the street, throw your pen across the street at her and run over to it and say you were writing something and you dropped it. If you are still shy/creepy she will look at you weird, if you have learned the ways of normal human interaction, she will laugh.

So what do you think about using mathematical equations for body language when talking to women, at least using it to get a "probability" for the "gist of it" and using experience to smooth out the edges? Yes I know some may think this is wondering about odd things, and not unreasonable to think that. However, if reading body language makes the OP or any of us a better person and better at knowing if someone's interested then don't you think it could be useful? Something to consider, women want men they're interested into talk to them, and those they're not interested into stay away. I wonder if that could be a plus for learning how to become better at reading people?

Like for example, earlier at a place I worked there was this one beautiful woman who'd always smile at me and give girly waves. One day she was doing something with her teeth and I said, "You shouldn't do that, it could hurt your teeth." Something unexpected happened, she then smiled deeply, leaned toward me and said, "So... Why are you interested in my teeth?" with a big smile. I didn't say anything because I didn't know if you can ever be sure if someone's flirting or not. I think maybe learning how to figure out these things intellectually/scientifically may be able to greatly help some of us out? Something to consider, in order to learn from trial and error you need something to try out in the first place.

 

[Pyrrhus]

27Thousand, too much analysis and too much thinking about what to say, how to say, and when to say it.. It's not going to be helpful at all, because you'll be in your head all the time micromanaging your thoughts, which is RIDICULOUS. In contrast, being confident and comfortable about yourself, it's better. You see someone you want to meet, you go there, and just express yourself. Yes, sometimes, you might get undesirable responses, but who cares?. Rejection is just part of life, and it is nothing to be feared. The reason why "Just be yourself" is a good advice (at least for "regular people") it's because you need to develop PREFERENCES and TASTES. You need to SCREEN the girls, and pick the ones you consider high quality. The girls aren't the only ones that SCREEN guys, you should have STANDARDS. This process is "somehow similar" to the activity of tasting fruits or ice cream flavors.

In the end, Don't be afraid of who you are, embrace that (but before this you need find out who you are..., and no... It's not a Lvl 75 Tauren in WOW).

 

[27Thousand]

27Thousand, too much analysis and too much thinking about what to say, how to say, and when to say it.. It's not going to be helpful at all, because you'll be in your head all the time micromanaging your thoughts, which is RIDICULOUS. In contrast, being confident and comfortable about yourself, it's better. You see someone you want to meet, you go there, and just express yourself. Yes, sometimes, you might get undesirable responses, but who cares?. Rejection is just part of life, and it is nothing to be feared. The reason why "Just be yourself" is a good advice (at least for "regular people") it's because you need to develop PREFERENCES and TASTES. You need to SCREEN the girls, and pick the ones you consider high quality. The girls aren't the only ones that SCREEN guys, you should have STANDARDS. Don't be afraid of who you are, embrace that.

Something you may possibly want to consider, as far as screening others and being yourself, don't you think that being able to read them to find out if they're at least somewhat interested in you will give you more confidence and allow you to be more yourself? Consider, if you're good at reading others, you may not be so obsessed about impressing others but rather concentrating on those who already show interest and who you're also interested in.

Also consider, in professional sports, they say they do their best when there's "flow" or when they don't think about it. However, when someone first learns a sport they have think about it until it becomes automatic, just like when you learn how to ride a bike. Even with professional sports, if a coach notices a player has an error in technique, the player during practice will try to consciously think about their technique and correct for it. Many people learn social skills through "gut feeling" or intuition, however just like some individuals have learning disorders/dyslexia, it's possible some may neurologically be less able at reading people. So if it doesn't come through gut feeling, do you think it could come through enough practice/technique until it becomes just as automatic as sports players who get so good they can just let it "flow"? Could you get to a point where you wouldn't consciously be thinking about everything, but rather just thinking about the present?

 

[Pyrrhus]

Yes, that's what I'm saying. It does get to that, but you have to be willing to put yourself in the situations where you'll learn. As you get older or more experienced, whichever comes first it'll be more automatic to you. This is advice for "regular people". Individuals who suffer from other disorders, I can't really say anything to help here, except keep trying.

 

[Astronuc]

Like for example, earlier at a place I worked there was this one beautiful woman who'd always smile at me and give girly waves. One day she was doing something with her teeth and I said, "You shouldn't do that, it could hurt your teeth." Something unexpected happened, she then smiled deeply, leaned toward me and said, "So... Why are you interested in my teeth?" with a big smile. I didn't say anything because I didn't know if you can ever be sure if someone's flirting or not. I think maybe learning how to figure out these things intellectually/scientifically may be able to greatly help some of us out? Something to consider, in order to learn from trial and error you need something to try out in the first place.

One doesn't respond intellectually or scientifically in the case where one wants to establish a relationship that is something more than a scientific or intellectual casual friendship. Actually, a casual friendship or acquaintanceship is a good starting point.

One could have responded "Are you flirting with me?", and that would go in one direction, as opposed to a response like "my name is ______" , to which she might respond with her name, from which the conversation could proceed along the lines of casual conversation and general information about each other.

I'd would echo as some others have intimated, don't overanalyze an individual situation.