Exploring the Spiritual Nature of Poetry: A Reflection on J-man's Poem

[Baikonur]

Poetry "The darkness is over"

The darkness is over
once again we're going towards the light
The Spring and I
what a couple
Children of the light
holding hands.

What do you make out of that poem, and poetry in general?

 

[J-Man]

Originally posted by Baikonur
What do you make out of that poem, and poetry in general?

Well, if I printed it out, folded it up and cut some parts out with scissors, I could make a snowflake.

Seriously though...
It sounds to me like the Earth rotating and revolving with the sun. But if I didn't read it on physics forums, I may have interpreted it differently.
(edit: Rereading it, it sounds more like the Earth & moon moving about the sun.)
In general poems are okay.

------------
How about this one? (It's sort-of a poem. I hope to add more later.)

You make me so.

You make me feel so special with the words you say to me.
I want to be better, just to hear your praise.
I long to be next to you; and I can sense when you are near.
Your touch makes me tingle and brings me alive.
You are deep within my mind, like a river on a mountain.
Springing forth from the depths, splitting and rejoining.
Your beauty makes me humble; you are more than I deserve.
Yet your kindness gives me hope.

 

[Artman]

Originally posted by Baikonur...
The darkness is over
once again we're going towards the light
The Spring and I
what a couple
Children of the light
holding hands.

Since you asked I am going to be a little more critical than I would normally be, but don't let me discourage you. It is not bad, but could be better.

Poetry should be a doorway directly into the soul of the author, so much so that it almost embarrasses you to let people read it. How do you really feel about the coming of Spring? Try putting some color in your description. For instance what color is darkness? Is it just darkness, or is it dark like a piece of wrinkled, crushed newspaper, smeared with grey ink, stained from snow and mud and lying plastered to the wet pavement?

Think of images that will invoke in your reader exactly how you feel. Show them what you are thinking, don't just tell them. It is much more powerful. A reader should realize that poetry requires an investment of time and attention to fully appreciate the author's meaning. This doesn't mean that the poem has to be long, or even your descriptions, but choose the precise word for the sound and the meaning you are trying to convey.

To answer your other question, I like poetry very much. I do more writing of it than reading it however.

 

[N_Quire]

Baikonur, don't listen to Artman. He wants to fill your poetry with awful adjectives and make it like a Christmas tree with lights. American writing is often like that, very obvious and with no subtlety. Keep on the track you are on: keep your message simple, concentrate your thoughts, avoid the easy and obvious.

Otherwise, poetry is ok so long as it doesn't rhyme.

 

[Artman]

I agree with keeping it simple. I also agree that it is not necessary to rhyme. I never intended he should make it like a "Christmas tree with lights," (but that imagery that you used tells me exactly what you are trying to say). There is a difference between subtle and vague. If the words he picked are exactly the meaning he wants to convey they are the right words, but if not then he should search for another word and not just grab the easy solution.

Like I said, it's not bad. Perhaps I would like it better if he used another word for "light" in either the first or second instance in the poem. Using light twice was the easy solution. It also creates a cheap rhyme, even if it wasn't intended to be.

 

[BoulderHead]

Personally I think Artman said a lot of good things, esp.;

Poetry should be a doorway directly into the soul of the author, so much so that it almost embarrasses you to let people read it.

and;

Think of images that will invoke in your reader exactly how you feel. Show them what you are thinking, don't just tell them. It is much more powerful. A reader should realize that poetry requires an investment of time and attention to fully appreciate the author's meaning. This doesn't mean that the poem has to be long, or even your descriptions, but choose the precise word for the sound and the meaning you are trying to convey.

I stand if full agreement with these statements.

 

[N_Quire]

Artman, we agree. I was simply trying to encorage Baikonur. I think the best advice to any aspiring writer is to keep writing, and of course to read a lot. I love poetry and there are plenty of great American poets too.

 

[Artman]

I think the best advice to any aspiring writer is to keep writing, and of course to read a lot.

Absolutely. I wish I had time to read more.

I used to write very simple, stark poetry until I read some Dillon Thomas. I didn't really like it at first, but then I noticed the influence he had on my own writing.

It really isn't fair that I should comment on Baikonur's poem without contributing one of my own. Here is one that I wrote a few years ago. It's free verse, no real structure. I have never shown it to anyone before.

"Desire" (Deep Blue Dream)

She saw him as a challenge.
He saw her as a dream.
They saw each other through wide, staring, purely open eyes and yet their vision was clouded and obscured with longings, lying naked between them, but remaining unseen, unexplored.

She longed to find romance in a mundane world and dreamed of love and fire, and subtlety. There was always subtlety, for without it, where would be the romance? Romance hid in the gentle laugh at a hint of humor; the brushing of a hand against hair; a wisp of a touch in a crowd, unseen by the crowd; being so close that, even though not touching at all, you can feel the heat of their body; a deep look into love's wide, ever-watching, never fully seeing eyes.

Passion hid in dreams, long, hot, sultry, unrestrained dreams, panic filled, promise laden, unfulfilled, unrelenting dreams. Dreams of subtle caresses, whispered sighs, chance encounters ending in fervent, rhythmic movements. Dreams of moments shared, once, but only in dreams, and not fully in sleep.

These dreams fought sleep. They challenged sleep with visions, attacked it with imagination, and defeated it with painful urges and sleep stealing desires, pounding, twisting and tormenting the dreamer throughout the bleary, mist filled, deep blue hours of the night.


What do you think? Please feel free to be as critical as you want. Like I said, I have never shown this piece to anyone before. I may not agree with the comments, but I will consider any reasonable point.

 

[The Grimmus]

well responding to what i think of poetry in genral: I think it is great only when it's meaning is profound and has vast depth...like some bands' lyrics

 

[Artman]

I think it is great only when it's meaning is profound and has vast depth...like some bands' lyrics

When I went to art school years ago, I veiwed art the same way. That it must have profound meaning to be great. Now, I'm not so sure. The problem is, that what is extremely meaningful to one person may have no meaning for another.

In any art form I think the creator must first be true to themself. It need not be of Earth shattering importance. If it speaks to the human condition and the artist is sincere, then someone else will find meaning in it.

That is one of the things I liked most about Baikonur's poem. It was obviously sincere.

 

[BoulderHead]

Originally posted by Artman
What do you think? Please feel free to be as critical as you want. Like I said, I have never shown this piece to anyone before. I may not agree with the comments, but I will consider any reasonable point. [/B]

Can I be frank with you...I'll be honest if you rather.
-Benny Hill

First, thank you for sharing something private. I didn't really 'get into it' because it's not my sort of thing. I found it to be much like a romance novel and I do know an author of romance novels (I'll shoot you a link to her website if you'd like) who would certainly appreciate it.

 

[Artman]

Posted by J-man...
How about this one? (It's sort-of a poem. I hope to add more later.)

J-man, your poem is almost spiritual. It reads like one of the Psalms in the Bible.

Quote from J-man...
...Springing forth from the depths, splitting and rejoining.
Your beauty makes me humble; you are more than I deserve.
Yet your kindness gives me hope.

I don't think the spiritual nature of the poem is bad at all, it's kind of neat. Was the similarity intentional? Or don't you agree that there is a similarity?