A mixed feeling is when you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
The height of conceit is having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
The definition of macho is jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Divorce is so expensive because it's worth it.
Its hard to believe he beat 1 million other sperm
A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than a normal one
He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle
Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.
When I am feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If you cannot be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
If you think there is good in everybody, you have not met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he is really in trouble.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it is open.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth!
The difference between butt-kissing and brown-nosing is depth perception.
As you can tell, I love one-liners!
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