My friends suck or I am too whiny?

[johndude222]

Ok, so I am an university student, just turned 20. I am not very social and don't live on campus so I am kinda of lonely at times. I get depressions a lot too.

I got a couple of friends, I treat them super nice, like a gentleman. I help them with homeworks, lab reports etc.. In fact, I basically do all their physics and math homework, let them copy my physics and chemistry lab reports etc..

Hey, I even go out of my way to help them. Like one friend of my has a research project. She is too lazy to find journal articles so I spent like 4 hrs online looking articles for her. I got her like 20 articles.

Basically, any academic homework/assignments they have, they come to me and I do those for them. You got that calc assignment due in 2 days, no problem, give questions to me and I will give you the full solutions the next day.

I even do other things like.. buying my friend some muffins or fruits or something if she didn't have breakfast or something.

Thing is. Most of the time I barely get a thanks for my efforts. They never include me when they have fun. Ok, sometimes maybe I don't want to have fun. I don't want to get drunk and wasted like them. I perfer stay by myself in the library or something. No big deal.

But the thing that pissed me off is. It seems this friend relationship only goes one way. I just turned twenty. Out of the three friends I had, only one of them gave me something for my birthday. I rather she had not given me that because it was basically crap. It was like a slice of cake the size of a palm. It looked like left over from someone else's birthday party and had a plastic fork stuck in it. It was very gross and not edidable from the looks.

That's one example. Other times when I see them say on the street, they won't even say hi. Is like they forget about you when there is no assignments due and suddenly remember you when they is.

Now I realized that this is probably a very biased account. I am basing it on only I think happened and of course not know the whole story.

I can't ditch my friends and get new ones cause 1 ) it is very hard for me to make new friends, 2) without any friends, I would be so lonely and depressed and probably won't live very long.

I guess sometimes I am helping them just cause I don't feel so isolated and lonely.

So what do you guys think? Me too whiny or my friends are not great? I mean if I have to, I can act like a man and suck it up but I just want whine abit heh. Thanks.

 

[Cyrus]

You're a sucker. Sorry. Theres no better word to describe it than 'sucker'.

I hate to break it to you, but they are not your friends. You should go out and make some friends, becuase right now you don't have any. You just have people using you.

You should also talk to a doctor.

 

[Riogho]

I think both.

Get new friends and then don't let them suckle off of your teet.

 

[Moonbear]

I agree, they're no friends, just using you. Don't waste your time on them if it's all one-way. It's better to have only one or two good friends than a bunch of leeches hanging on. That's only going to make you feel worse when they diss you like they did for your birthday.

 

[Poop-Loops]

Neither your friends suck nor are you too whiny. What you are is too much of a doormat.

Start being more assertive. If your friends tell you to do their homework for them, tell them to f*** off, because you have your own stuff to do. Looks like you are being used.

I know how hard it can be to live off campus. I have an hour-long commute, whereas most of my friends live on or around campus. They want to get together, I can't because the bus doesn't go back that late and I don't want to take alternate ones because that takes forever and a day.

Anyway, the solution is to ditch those "friends" and find some new friends. Yeah yeah, easier said than done. I know how it is, trust me. I'm on anti-depressants myself and I have had anxiety most of my life, etc. I know it's not easy to just go up to some random person and say "Hi.". It makes me feel like an idiot. So, to fix that you go find something you like to do and do it with others.

In my case, it was Brazilian JiuJitsu. I signed up for a class, and made friends there. I took up guitar and if I had the time I'd find some people to play with (oh, and if I didn't suck, either).

Finding friends for the sake of having friends is hard. So find a group activity you like doing and go for it.

 

[Riogho]

Or get laid.

That always helps me with my depression

 

[ranger]

Why on Earth are you referring to those users as friends? Just pop them all in their faces and call it quits. And stop telling yourself that you can't make new friends; its just annoying to hear people say that.

 

[johndude222]

Huh, this is worse than I thought. So If they are real friends, how should they act?

I can't get laid. I am too ugly/too much a nerd to get laid.

I seriously can't make new friends. The one thing I spent my time on is homework and stuff. That's why i have those friends in the first place. I don't do anything else and suck at pretty much everything else. (I want join military but I want do that only so that I feel more attractive to girls and relieve my stress by poping a few rounds into someone.. both are very bad reasons)

I don't get how people can make friends if they are not good at anything. (i.e. random guy that doesn't do much except get drunk alot.. have a lot of friends) It seems the only reason i have friends is because I am good at something and people feel they can benefit from it.

Ah this sucks. What if I just suck it up? Maybe I will meet some true friends in my lifetime? If not, then least when I die I will look good in God's eye?

 

[Cyrus]

Is this a joke?

 

[Moonbear]

I don't get how people can make friends if they are not good at anything. (i.e. random guy that doesn't do much except get drunk alot.. have a lot of friends) It seems the only reason i have friends is because I am good at something and people feel they can benefit from it.

No, those aren't friends, those are people who are using you for their own benefit. You don't have to be good at anything in particular to make friends other than going up and talking to them. Heh, sometimes it's what we're BAD at that friends have in common (I have a very good friend who is as bad at playing pool as I am...we enjoy playing together because we both suck so badly we're the only ones who can stand playing each other...anyone else gets kind of bored or starts to feel bad because they beat us every game).

There used to be a saying, "A friend is someone who knows all about you, and loves you just the same." In other words, they know your flaws, and are your friend in spite of those (or maybe because of those).

If all you do is study, go out and find some new hobbies. There's more to life than JUST studying, and everyone needs a break from it (no wonder you're depressed if you only study all the time...really). Find something you enjoy doing just to take a break from the books...you don't have to be any good at it, just enjoy it...and that's where you'll find some friends; they sneak up on you when you're not even looking.

 

[Evo]

Cut these people off and don't feel bad about doing it. You sound like a very nice person. Don't worry so much about being alone, give yourself some time. You sound smart. Why don't you spend some time here helping in the homework forum, you might make new friends here.

Also, if you are feeling really depressed, talk to a doctor or counselor.

 

[G01]

They are definitely not your friends. You need to be more assertive and forget about those people, since they are just using you.

Stop telling yourself you can't make new friends. You can. NO! Stop thinking you can't! You can!

Are you a member of any clubs? Academic or not? A good way to meet people with similar interests is to join a club based around something your interested in. You could also become part of a community service organization, like Habitat for Humanity. Many schools have programs where you can do an alternative spring break working for a group like this. Your bound to meet a lot of nice and friendly people in a club or group like these.

I also suggest that you see a counselor or doctor if you are feeling very depressed. Do not think of this as a sign of defeat, because it isn't. All it means is that you are ready to change your life for the better.

Also, remember that you are welcome here at PF!

 

[johndude222]

I spent a lot of time on the dicussion boards in my university to help others with homeworks. That's something else I do to waste time.

Hmm I should find some "real" friends first before I ditch them? That way the transition won't be so diffcult. I will let you guys know when I do find some "real" friends.

 

[G01]

I spent a lot of time on the dicussion boards in my university to help others with homeworks. That's something else I do to waste time.

Hmm I should find some "real" friends first before I ditch them? That way the transition won't be so diffcult. I will let you guys know when I do find some "real" friends.

That is not a waste of time. You are helping other people. To them, it is definitely not a waste of time.

 

[Evo]

My youngest daughter found her best friend on line a few years ago. It turned out that they only lived a few miles from each other. She's at her friend's house right now. Her friend is having spinal surgery tomorrow that is very likley to leave her paralyzed, she has had a couple of operations already and this one is not looking good. She's 19 years old. So, stop feeling sorry for yourself.

 

[Cyrus]

I think you need some medication. Talk to a doctor.

This is way past normal, and I don't want to hear about you on the news shooting up people, got it?

 

[lisab]

You're in a rough patch right now. Hang in there. Keep checking in here for lively, humorous discussions - and join in, it's a good group!

If you enjoy helping people on your university discussion board, look into volunteering at a tutoring center at your school. Helping people is noble and satisfying - doing it face to face is even better.

 

[CaptainQuasar]

2) without any friends, I would be so lonely and depressed and probably won't live very long.

We all do sympathize, many aspects of life especially the social ones are both difficult and painful. But as they say, save the drama fo' yo' mama. If you are suicidal seek help immediately - it's perfectly all right to put school and life on hold for a while to deal with something like that.

If you aren't, once more to the breach and don't shoot until you see the whites of their eyes. And feel free to come and talk to us anytime.

“Faith without action is dead.” http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=james 2:14&version=9"

[EDIT] Of course, after Cyrus's comment this sounds bad now. I'm not suggesting you should go instigate a school shooting, of course. You should take a running head-dive into life and grab it by the horns and wrestle it to the ground.

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[johndude222]

Well you see, I did try to help people face to face and for a time I did enjoy it. Then they ditched me because I was busy helping other people and didn't talk to them for like 3-4 weeks. Now they won't even talk to me.. So that kinda of blow it.

What does it mean feeling sorry for myself? I don't get it? Should I just suck it up? That way I am not feeling sorry for myself? I keep hearing people say this but I don't really understand what it means.

Haha don't worry. I am not crazy enough to shoot people up in school or something. If I really want do that, I join the military and go on the front lines.

I really never had a best friend whatever in life. Never that close with people.

 

[Moonbear]

My youngest daughter found her best friend on line a few years ago. It turned out that they only lived a few miles from each other. She's at her friend's house right now. Her friend is having spinal surgery tomorrow that is very likley to leave her paralyzed, she has had a couple of operations already and this one is not looking good. She's 19 years old. So, stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Oh, wow, that's rough at such a young age! I'll keep my fingers crossed for her.


johndude, listen to what everyone is suggesting...you've got LOTS of good advice from them. If you like tutoring online, get out and do it in person. We're not talking about doing homework for people who don't appreciate it, but doing actual tutoring. Maybe you can even find a tutoring center where you get paid for it. You might make friends among the other tutors.

And, yes, if you like helping people, a community service organization might be fun to join.

Or, take a non-academic class/workshop...something you might enjoy doing but don't do well and want to improve at...art, scuba diving, ballroom dancing, first aid certification, etc. Whatever strikes your fancy. As you just talk to people while doing stuff, you'll find some along the way with other things in common or who you just enjoy being around, and voila, you'll have a friend.

 

[Cyrus]

You don't understand the conept of helping somebody.

I would seek the help of a psychiatrist.

 

[CaptainQuasar]

Another note - if you just plunge yourself into life and don't worry and keep on trying your level best to be sociable, and give yourself a break in a while when you need to, the friends will come.

One of the interesting things that I find from reading things on the internet is that a great many people are like us.

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[Poop-Loops]

Well you see, I did try to help people face to face and for a time I did enjoy it. Then they ditched me because I was busy helping other people and didn't talk to them for like 3-4 weeks. Now they won't even talk to me.. So that kinda of blow it.

What does it mean feeling sorry for myself? I don't get it? Should I just suck it up? That way I am not feeling sorry for myself? I keep hearing people say this but I don't really understand what it means.

Haha don't worry. I am not crazy enough to shoot people up in school or something. If I really want do that, I join the military and go on the front lines.

I really never had a best friend whatever in life. Never that close with people.

Do you think this accurately describes you?

* Emotional coldness, detachment or reduced affection.
* Limited capacity to express either positive or negative emotions towards others.
* Consistent preference for solitary activities.
* Very few (if any) close friends or relationships, and a lack of desire for such.
* Indifference to either praise or criticism.
* Taking pleasure in few, if any, activities.
* Indifference to social norms and conventions.
* Preoccupation with fantasy and introspection.
* Lack of desire for sexual experiences with another person.Not all of them, but at least 4 or so?

 

[Cyrus]

One of the interesting things that I find from reading things on the internet is that a great many people are like us.

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What do you mean by 'like us'?

 

[Evo]

What does it mean feeling sorry for myself? I don't get it? Should I just suck it up? That way I am not feeling sorry for myself? I keep hearing people say this but I don't really understand what it means.

It's when a person becomes more focused on what is wrong with their life than what is good. When you think you have it bad, stop and think how bad other people have it, it helps to put a little perspective on things.

Whenever I think my life sucks, I think about some mother watching their child die from an incurable disease, then I realize just how little my life really sucks.

 

[Moonbear]

Do you think this accurately describes you?

* Emotional coldness, detachment or reduced affection.
* Limited capacity to express either positive or negative emotions towards others.
* Consistent preference for solitary activities.
* Very few (if any) close friends or relationships, and a lack of desire for such.
* Indifference to either praise or criticism.
* Taking pleasure in few, if any, activities.
* Indifference to social norms and conventions.
* Preoccupation with fantasy and introspection.
* Lack of desire for sexual experiences with another person.


Not all of them, but at least 4 or so?

Let's not try diagnosing people online. This is best saved for the health professionals.

 

[CaptainQuasar]

What do you mean by 'like us'?

I mean like johndude222 and myself. I have had experiences similar to him.

You can join the club too if you want in, Cyrus. But you have to learn the secret handshake and earn your decoder ring.

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[CaptainQuasar]

Let's not try diagnosing people online. This is best saved for the health professionals.

Not to mention it would be kind of embarrassing to eventually explain to a professional. “Uh, yeah, so this guy named Poop-loops diagnosed me online…”

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[Cyrus]

I mean like johndude222 and myself. I have had experiences similar to him.

You can join the club too if you want in, Cyrus. But you have to learn the secret handshake and earn your decoder ring.

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Ring ring do your thang. I don't think there are a 'great a many' a people like this to be honest though. Not even close to many.

 

[rocomath]

With all the help your giving, why not become a private tutor? If you're the one everyone comes to, then you're definitely competent enough to be one.

ps. Slap yourself (not being mean, but you need a reality check)

 

[Poop-Loops]

Let's not try diagnosing people online. This is best saved for the health professionals.

I'm not diagnosing him. But if he suddenly realizes "Oh my God, that describes me." then something's up. That's how I realized I had depression. I read the symptoms online and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

If someone had told me I had depression before that, I would have just ignored them. It wasn't until I realized I wasn't alone with those feelings that I decided to get help and saw a counselor.

In this case, I see that he is having trouble connecting with others, which is something I have trouble with, too. I have several of those symptoms, so maybe we have something in common.

After all, everybody is telling him "Go make friends" as if you just went to Safeway and bought a 6-pack of them and I seem to be the only one saying that I actually understand what he means by saying it's hard for him to make friends.

 

[Moonbear]

I mean like johndude222 and myself. I have had experiences similar to him.

You can join the club too if you want in, Cyrus. But you have to learn the secret handshake and earn your decoder ring.

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You guys don't have friends, but you have a club with secret handshakes and decoder rings? Who shows up to the club meetings?

*runs back to Cyrus' fort*

 

[Moonbear]

I'm not diagnosing him. But if he suddenly realizes "Oh my God, that describes me." then something's up. That's how I realized I had depression. I read the symptoms online and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

He already told us he's depressed. We'll leave it to the professionals to determine if it's something that needs treatment or something that would be fixed by going out and doing something to make friends.

After all, everybody is telling him "Go make friends" as if you just went to Safeway and bought a 6-pack of them and I seem to be the only one saying that I actually understand what he means by saying it's hard for him to make friends.

Not really, we're telling him things he can do so that he increases his chances of meeting people who will become friends. You can't just walk up to people in the street and say, "Will you be my friend?" But, you can do things you enjoy and while you're doing them, friends will just happen, as long as you don't drive everyone away with negativity.

 

[lisab]

I mean like johndude222 and myself. I have had experiences similar to him.

You can join the club too if you want in, Cyrus. But you have to learn the secret handshake and earn your decoder ring.

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I'm right there with you, CQ and johndude! One time, I helped a fellow student with a particularly tricky quantum homework problem. I asked him if he had solved one that I couldn't get - he said, no.

Come to find out that yes, he had solved it but didn't want to share it with me. The physics department I went to was SO freaking competitive. Dog eat dog...it wasn't pleasant at all.

I didn't make any friends in college. Work life, yes - many, many friends. So hang in there johndude! If you like helping people it shows that you are a good person!

 

[Moonbear]

Not to mention it would be kind of embarrassing to eventually explain to a professional. “Uh, yeah, so this guy named Poop-loops diagnosed me online…”

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[Cyrus]

I'm right there with you, CQ and johndude! One time, I helped a fellow student with a particularly tricky quantum homework problem. I asked him if he had solved one that I couldn't get - he said, no.

Come to find out that yes, he had solved it but didn't want to share it with me. The physics department I went to was SO freaking competitive. Dog eat dog...it wasn't pleasant at all.

I didn't make any friends in college. Work life, yes - many, many friends. So hang in there johndude! If you like helping people it shows that you are a good person!

Yikes, I would have transferred out of there pronto!

 

[Poop-Loops]

For the last time, I'm not diagnosing him. I just think it would be easier for him to go seek help if he knew that his symptoms were part of something bigger.

Like I said before, I had depression but refused to get help, because I thought my problems would go away or that they weren't real problem. I was afraid that if I went to get help, the doc would say "You're fine." or worse, think I was making it up. It wasn't until I found out that yes, I had some major problems that I decided to get help.

 

[johndude222]

Well, in my university, you can only be tutor if you have already taken a course..

I like helping people when I am taking the same course as them but tutoring someone on stuff I learned ages ago isn't something I like to do.

* Emotional coldness, detachment or reduced affection.

Not sure if I am cold or detached. I do feel sorry for other people and stuff.
* Limited capacity to express either positive or negative emotions towards others.
Yeah, one of the things I can never do is express my negative opinions towards others. I keep those to my self.
* Consistent preference for solitary activities.
Yeah, I hang out alone usually. Not by choice but I am quite poor and can't afford school residence. So I am force to live in some cheap place with poor heating and rather far from campus. I used to live with my mom in high school but now I live by myself.

* Very few (if any) close friends or relationships, and a lack of desire for such.
I do desire it, is just I don't have them. Trust me, I would do anything to have a close friend.

* Indifference to either praise or criticism.
If someone say thanks or say I am awesome or somethign like that when I help them, I am happy for the rest of the day.
* Taking pleasure in few, if any, activities.
Yeah that's probably true.
* Indifference to social norms and conventions.
Yeah, I don't know much about social norms and conventions. I came from a different country about 9 years ago.
* Preoccupation with fantasy and introspection.
Fantasy? Yeah, sometimes I dream myself as a big bad warrior and I used to play fantasy games.
* Lack of desire for sexual experiences with another person.
I am all for sex. At first I was rather disturbed by it but now sometimes I can't think about while I am bored. I never had sex though.

 

[CaptainQuasar]

I understand Poop-loops and it was a good idea to bring up some of the clinical symptoms of depression. I think what confused the rest of us is that you started posing questions instead of just saying, “by the way, here's a list of symptoms of clinical depression.”

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[lisab]

Yikes, I would have transferred out of there pronto!

I was just focused on graduating. I did get a GREAT education, which is what I went there for. I didn't go there to make friends.

 

[Moonbear]

I'm right there with you, CQ and johndude! One time, I helped a fellow student with a particularly tricky quantum homework problem. I asked him if he had solved one that I couldn't get - he said, no.

Come to find out that yes, he had solved it but didn't want to share it with me. The physics department I went to was SO freaking competitive. Dog eat dog...it wasn't pleasant at all.

I didn't make any friends in college. Work life, yes - many, many friends. So hang in there johndude! If you like helping people it shows that you are a good person!

Yikes, I would have transferred out of there pronto!

Nah, just means you have to meet people outside your department. One place I worked, I had very little in common with any of my coworkers. They were either sports fanatics (beyond fans...everything they did seemed to revolve around sports...and folks know how NOT into sports I am) or they were married with kids and only did things that revolved around kid-friendly activities, or didn't go out at all because it was a hassle for them to get sitters. I so didn't fit in with them. But, that just meant work was for working, and I went elsewhere to play.

That's really the main point. If you're not making friends where you are, go someplace else and meet different people.

 

[binzing]

Your "friends"=moochers
Anyways, I like the private tutor idea, you could even get some money like that.

 

[CaptainQuasar]

I am all for sex.

I'm all for sex too! What a coincidence. See, this club does have a lot in common.

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[Moonbear]

I came from a different country about 9 years ago.

Aha! Now we're getting information that might be helpful. Moving to a new country and adapting to a new culture can make it more challenging to make friends for a while.

Does your school have an international students association, or anything like that? Or what about a club for other students from your country of origin? You might find yourself more comfortable around people who have more in common with your cultural background, at least until you adjust better to American culture (then again 9 years isn't really a short time to be here...you've got to get out and experience the culture to learn to adapt to it).

 

[johndude222]

Yeah some of the people I helped offered me money but I refused. I don't help people for money. If they offer me money that's kinda bad cause now I have to make sure that I am tutoring their money's worth. I just help people cause I am bored and one of those big thank yous I get make me smile and feel good about myself.

Yeah, i feel sorry myself about once every two weeks. Other times I am too busy with other stuff to work about it. I only did it today cause my birthday was a couple days ago. Then today I helped one of my friends with her research stuff. After I did that, she left without saying bye or anything. We were studying in the library, I went downstairs to do some quiet reading. I came back and she is gone. No notes or text messages. Just went poof.. so yeah I wasn't too happy.

 

[johndude222]

Well I am asian. I don't like hang out with other asians cause the asians don't get along too well. We are too competitive with each other.

You would think that asians should hang out together right.. well one of the things I was taught was that asians are worse than the europeans. Asians backstab and they do it hard and cold. (I experienced a couple of backstabs) So I avoid asians generally. Oh, and I hate those chatty asians girls that never shut up. Annoying me so much.

 

[CaptainQuasar]

Not by choice but I am quite poor and can't afford school residence. So I am force to live in some cheap place with poor heating and rather far from campus.

You're perfectly set up to construct a total babe lair. “There's no furniture… so we'll have to sit on the bed. And sorry it's chilly, baby, but we can press our bodies together for warmth.”

Have you seen http://www.imdb.com/media/rm4118060288/tt0396269" ? It's like a documentary for doing this. Especially the part about cruising for women at funerals.

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[johndude222]

Yeah seen it. Except it isn't real and those guys look pretty good. They didn't need to take much effort to get women to fall for them.. and what's with that girl- the crazy one.. man I don't think people like that exist. She is way to dependent.

 

[Poop-Loops]

I understand Poop-loops and it was a good idea to bring up some of the clinical symptoms of depression. I think what confused the rest of us is that you started posing questions instead of just saying, “by the way, here's a list of symptoms of clinical depression.”

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Sorry if I made you all think I am diagnosing him. I'm not that delusional.

And those aren't symptoms for depression, those are symptoms for something called Schizoid Personality Disorder.

This is something I have realized that I have, so I've done some research into it. The way he described himself, it sounded a lot like me, so I figured I'd ask him about it.

If you want to know more, you can wikipedia it, but it's not exactly a disease or something that will kill you. It's more of a personality style.

Anyway, go see a counselor or a psychiatrist. I'd skip the GP if at all possible, because they'll likely just give you some pills and hope you don't bother them anymore or just refer you to a psychiatrist anyway.

 

[CaptainQuasar]

Oh, I'm just kidding johndude. You don't want to really crash funerals looking for women. And women do appreciate a man with HVAC and furniture.

I would say, look for people who are so completely messed up that they don't notice you're Asian. Make a solid core of friends in the fringes and then branch out.

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