It's really nice to see someone else talking so frankly about this. I was a very quick and good achiever when I was young. So much so that my parents were called into school to see some of my work. By the time I progressed to the age of 8 though it was beginning to hide away. Some key change in my environment made it retreat and it never re-surfaced. By the time I'd gotten to high school at the age of 11 there had been so much pressure put on me to think in the ways I was being ordered and forced to think that I had virtually no confidence left in myself and my abilities dwindled to nothing. By the time I made it to University they were completely gone. There was the odd flicker here and there but very little. I hated the course, hated the material and hated the format of it all whilst knowing deep down that I was way better than what I was being taught, I just couldn't understand even the most basic concepts presumably because those doors in my mind were firmly closed. It was at very best an extremely miserable time of my life and it's only just being put to bed now at the age of 29.
There were moments in work when I would stun people with my enthusiasm and abilities though. At first I would be shy and hesitant, soon though they would be begging me to stop asking them questions and saying I was the smartest person they knew. I've tried to educate myself in my own time but it never works. Boredom and interference by petty concerns in life always stop it from developing. Even today the hate I have for my parents for helping to repress this ability by forcing things on me is enormous. I also completely despise the educational system and I would say I have a strong misunderstanding towards the majority of people who conform to the mediocre too.
Today my abilities reside within my imagination. And my word, what an imagination it has become. It can be so intense sometimes my eyes hurt afterwards because they've been moving around so quickly. I've always suspected if this is some kind of self-induced REM behaviour. I know dreaming too much ruins your sleep and I've often found myself absolutely mentally exhausted for no apparent physical reason. This affected my sleep so badly my studies suffered, I've lost jobs, fell out with my family and all kinds of other things lasting around the last 13 years. It doesn't happen now because in the early days I had no idea how strong a link there was between my intense imaginings and bad sleep and depression. It's been hard to let them go but to survive I've simply had to. Now I sleep fine and my depression has all but vanished. I put my efforts into physical pursuits like running and re-training myself to live as happily as possible by doing things which build physical based confidence rather than academic achievements which only breed destruction of the mind and body.
I'm much happier now I've turned it off. I feel it deep within me frequently and it harbours the desire that one day it will come riding back in on horseback and save the day like an estranged hero in an old Western. It will have this amazing use which I never thought of or which technology wasn't around before to exploit or I'll have so much money I'll be able to finally take control and do the things I've always wanted to prove my abilities.
Leaving it the way it is to just sleep is the most appalling and painfully tragic waste of what is probably the greatest idea and potential solution generating brain I know of. If you could see it you would understand and you would know I am right about this.
However what I've come to realize in life after more deliberation and inner analysing than several groups of people might manage in a single lifetime all combined, is that the challenge for me in life is not to show how good I am, for the simple reason is it is not a challenge to do that. I am in my element there when it comes to analysing and problem solving. I still do have some imaginings but there much less taxing now. My brain appears to have built up a library of visual effects relating to gels, oils, waters and such like and a library of motions such as partings, rotations, translations and light effects holding object dimensions in visual memory and being able to rotate around them and view them from any angle I choose and such like and now playing them all together in a syncronised artistic orchestra to fast paced music. This library of tried, tested and established effects greatly reduces mental demand as they can be called upon ad hoc when needed. Great yes, but not when it's been destroying you for years and it doesn't earn you any money and there's no way you can ever show it to other people.
I completely agree with the person who said it's your achievements not your abilities that count. My extraordinary talent (I make no apologies for bolding admitting its presence anymore although I did for years. Being honest about it is part of coming to terms with a proper solution.) is what some might say God given. Achievements always have to be worked at, and that I think is where the fairness of the situation comes in.
Earlier this year I ran 13.1 miles (half marathon) around Silverstone race track in England dressed top to toe in Roman battledress. All real, nothing fake it was all made of metal and weighed over 22 pounds and looked the bee knees. That is what I would call an achievment as I am not a naturally gifted runner so that was done on a level playing field. I continue to run and I will work to even greater achievments eventually the ultramarathon and possibly an ultra in costume again. That's something I can believe in and something I will truly deserve praise for from others and most importantly from myself if I am successful, because it will be done on a level playing field.
I've sold all my old gear and I'm going abroad for a couple of years to get away from my old life which I don't want anymore. I intend to work very hard - which I'm good at - and contribute as much as I can to the local economy and population and do everything that is asked of me. I've also started learning how to interpret stocks and shares with good results. This is an area where my analytical abilities come into play so here's a way I could use at least part of my brain to make some money.
All in all basing one's self esteem and confidence on one's achievments, and effort spent working towards goals whether successul or not is the tonic for an ADHD/Genius's problems. Keeping a firm grip on logical reality not whimsical fantasises and making sound and informed steps to genuinely move on and improve one's situation is the other major tonic for such people.
Think of it that you can see things others can't, and you'll also be far too savvy ever to be roped into a mortgage deal or bad marriage (so many people do this without putting any thought into it) or any kind of life that you don't want once you've eventually broken out of the iron chains of financial dependence, loss of sanity, completely hopeless one size fits all educational and social system and ruined personal life that being both young and a sufferer of ADHD/Genius inflicts upon us.
Once you've been through the pain and removed all traces of other people's hopelessly misunderstood and binding influences you will be as independent as it is possible for a modern person to be. You'll probably also end up a major achiever in life and a good (potentially enormous) tax generator for the public funds of whichever nation you choose to reside in.
You will go from being confused, trapped and frusrated to being free, rich and in demand. Long may it last
Don't let a score affect you. Remember that true "genius" is in what you accomplish.
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