Relationships and Game Theory

[TheStatutoryApe]

So last night my girlfriend decides to tell me that she "accidentally" kissed some guy at her work.

Uh Huh...

So I wait for her to explain... no explination comes for several minutes.
Finally she starts talking...

"I just went to give him a hug and then he turned his head..." dot dot dot nothing else being said...

"Aaand..."

"And what?"

"Well? Did you kiss him? What?"

"Well yeah."

Silence.

"He just turned his head. It was an accident."

"Uh Huh..."

"I mean I never get to see you what do you expect is going to happen?"

At this I was pretty pissed off. So I just said "I don't get to see you very often either." and walked away.

Later she comes back to talk to me again.
All the sudden the story starts changing. Next thing you know he was the one kissing her and then they were just sort of accidentally kissing each other and then "no our lips just sort of grazed each other, it wasn't a real kiss".

"Uh Huh"

So I told her that I can't trust her. She complained that she had told me the truth and been honest with me. I asked her which story she had told me was the truth. She told me that she would show me how this "accidental kiss" happened. I said no then told her that she could go get one of her friends and demonstrate on one of them.

Eventually it hit me...
"What we have here is a no win situation. I have every reason to believe that you are lying to me right now. If I were to accept what you are saying as truth and forgive you and you really are lying then you will not respect me anymore and not want to be with me. If I make you prove to me that you are telling the truth, even if you are able to do so, you will be angry with me for not trusting you and not want to be with me any more."

So not even taking into account how I would feel about myself in either situation it was quite clear that the proper solution was to just end the relationship.

Does that make me a cold hearted basterd to be evaluating my relationships that way?



By the way I talked to one of her friends after I had made my decision. I asked him what she had told him about what was going on. He said that she had been saying she isn't sure if she wants to be with me and that there is a cute guy at her work that she likes. I suddenly felt quite a bit better about calling her a lier.

 

[Smurf]

I would've gathered more information before acting, but it sounds like you made the right decision.

 

[enigma]

Your girlfriend's action are a cry for attention. She's feeling neglected. If you want to be with her, spend more time with her and this will probably all blow over. If you don't, let her go.

Just my $0.02

 

[Townsend]

I would have went for her best friend/s...

And of course never talked to her again...

 

[Grogs]

I would've gathered more information before acting, but it sounds like you made the right decision.

I don't know, I think this was a giant red flag:

"He just turned his head. It was an accident."
...
"I mean I never get to see you what do you expect is going to happen?"

As if 'accidentally' kissing wasn't bad enough (come on! you don't 'accidentally' kiss somebody - unplanned, sure, but not accidentally), 2 seconds later she gives him an excuse for why she did it.

I agree with your decision though. Some people like to play games in relationships. It seems like the younger you are the more common it is, but maybe they just learn to hide it better as they get older. :grumpy: If you're a straight-shooter (and it sounds like you are,) you'll have problems in a relationship with this type of person.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Your girlfriend's action are a cry for attention. She's feeling neglected. If you want to be with her, spend more time with her and this will probably all blow over. If you don't, let her go.

Just my $0.02

She just started a job with a schedule that conflicts greatly with my own. There's nothing I can do about that.
Besides, it had only been three days since the last time I saw her.
That and I have a serious problem with being in a relationship with someone I can't trust.

Thank you for the two cents though.

 

[deckart]

You did the right thing.

Let's say you guys hadn't spent a lot of time with each other and that led to this "accident". And then let's say you guys try to make it work and stay together. And then let's say there is a time when you both aren't spending a lot of time with each other for whatever reason. Then there is another "accident". I wonder what that one would look like.

It's just a girlfriend, anyway... "Next!"

 

[matthyaouw]

I'd say you did the right thing. If she's going to be unfaithful, you're better off without her.

 

[Physics_wiz]

If you don't mind me asking...how old are you guys? If you're like 20 and she's 18 then she probably doesn't like you anymore. Actually, don't take advice from me because I haven't had a gf yet...it's going to happen eventually though.

 

[Gale]

heh, well, a female perspective... you probably did the right thing. when a girl starts playing games like that... even if she doesn't know it, things are over. Like you said, no matter what you did, she'd twist and probably complain later.

I'm sorry. you're a great guy. hope you aren't too bitter. its sad hearing about breakups, but i think you're better off. (btw, its cute how you spelled explanation wrong on myspace and here... i know you probably copy pasted but heh... ok, i just found it a little amusing.. hehe...)

 

[0TheSwerve0]

Some people have a hard time breaking up, sounds like she wanted you to do it for her.

 

[deckart]

See, Gale17 is aware of your breakup and is already hitting on you.

 

[Smurf]

I don't know, I think this was a giant red flag:

Good point. I agree. I don't think you could've done anything, it's not your fault.

 

[Moonbear]

I think you made the right decision there. First, if it was really just an accidental bumping of the lips as he turned his head when she went to hug him, 1) she would not feel so overwhelmed with guilt as to have needed to confess it to you...bleck...game playing is for children; and 2) why was she hugging him anyway?

What did she think was going to happen by telling you she kissed a guy at work? It sounded like she is either such a needy person that she would do something like that to get your attention, or she was trying to give you a reason to dump her so she wouldn't have to do the dumping.

 

[gravenewworld]

You guys just need to find your nash equilibrium

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

If you don't mind me asking...how old are you guys?

I'm 26 and she's 21. I was a bit weary of involving myself with a younger girl. I guess this is what I get. Back to flirting with older women for me!

I'm sorry. you're a great guy. hope you aren't too bitter. its sad hearing about breakups, but i think you're better off. (btw, its cute how you spelled explanation wrong on myspace and here... i know you probably copy pasted but heh... ok, i just found it a little amusing.. hehe...)

thank you gale...
And yeah, my spelling is terrible about half the time.

I think you made the right decision there. First, if it was really just an accidental bumping of the lips as he turned his head when she went to hug him, 1) she would not feel so overwhelmed with guilt as to have needed to confess it to you...bleck...game playing is for children; and 2) why was she hugging him anyway?

What did she think was going to happen by telling you she kissed a guy at work? It sounded like she is either such a needy person that she would do something like that to get your attention, or she was trying to give you a reason to dump her so she wouldn't have to do the dumping.

You're pretty much dead on though she did bring out the big guns in trying to hold onto me by saying "I love you" to me for the first time. That just dug her in deeper from where I was sitting at the time.

I think that she may have been subconsciously setting herself up. She always tells me that she has problems with lying though she never gave me any reason to think that she would lie to me (a mistake to have trusted her after this I know). Not more than ten minutes before this whole situation happened she was telling how she is really bad at lying. I laughed at her and pointed that out when she protested that she was not lying.


Thank you for the input everyone.
I was still wondering though: Do you think the fact that I was analytical and detached about the matter makes me a cold person?
I'm sincerely worried that my relationship experiences are driving me in a direction that I don't want to go.

 

[Moonbear]

I was still wondering though: Do you think the fact that I was analytical and detached about the matter makes me a cold person?

No, it probably just means you already sensed something was wrong in the relationship anyway, so this wasn't too surprising or not too objectionable of an outcome anyway. I'd be more worried if you were analytical and detached while considering whether to marry her.

Besides, WV is very pretty this time of year. :tongue2:

 

[Physics_wiz]

Besides, WV is very pretty this time of year. :tongue2:

Do you live in WV?

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Besides, WV is very pretty this time of year. :tongue2:

Take me home country roads.

 

[Evo]

I was still wondering though: Do you think the fact that I was analytical and detached about the matter makes me a cold person?
I'm sincerely worried that my relationship experiences are driving me in a direction that I don't want to go.

I think you made the right decision and I'm impressed that you saw through her game. She would not have respected you if you had tucked your tail between your legs, and it would've ended a lot messier later. No one "accidently" kisses someone. What comes next, "accidently" having sex?

 

[Moonbear]

Do you live in WV?

Heh heh heh...yep...moved here just to keep an eye on you! (I was preparing to move when you were asking about gambling laws here...now, how about getting together for a rousing game of bowls?) :rofl:

 

[JamesU]

Besides, WV is very pretty this time of year. :tongue2:

Take me home country roads.

FLIRTATION ALERT!​

 

[Physics_wiz]

Heh heh heh...yep...moved here just to keep an eye on you! (I was preparing to move when you were asking about gambling laws here...now, how about getting together for a rousing game of bowls?) :rofl:

What do you do? Do you teach in the University? Go to the games? If you teach, I might stop by to say hi one time .

Edit: I forgot WV was pretty big...I guess the first question should have been: Do you live in Morgantown? Btw, I was asking about the games because if you go you'll probably find me in the ASME tent before the game . I never went but I'm going to start going to that tent, you can come and get free food.

 

[Moonbear]

What do you do? Do you teach in the University? Go to the games? If you teach, I might stop by to say hi one time .

Edit: I forgot WV was pretty big...I guess the first question should have been: Do you live in Morgantown? Btw, I was asking about the games because if you go you'll probably find me in the ASME tent before the game . I never went but I'm going to start going to that tent, you can come and get free food.

I'm at the health sciences center (you know, the building on the big hill :rofl: ...for everyone else...ALL the buildings are on big hills)
Actually, I haven't gone to a game yet, but they use my parking lot for the tailgaters, which is really annoying since it means I have to plan at least a week ahead to get a special parking permit for a different lot if I want to work on a game day. :grumpy: We support research, blah blah blah...but only if it doesn't interfere with football. Oh well, it forces me to stay home one day a week.

 

[0TheSwerve0]

No, it probably just means you already sensed something was wrong in the relationship anyway, so this wasn't too surprising or not too objectionable of an outcome anyway. I'd be more worried if you were analytical and detached while considering whether to marry her.

Besides, WV is very pretty this time of year. :tongue2:

Are you detached and analytical most of the time? Not as if it's the worst thing to be.

 

[Physics_wiz]

I'm at the health sciences center (you know, the building on the big hill :rofl: ...for everyone else...ALL the buildings are on big hills)
Actually, I haven't gone to a game yet, but they use my parking lot for the tailgaters, which is really annoying since it means I have to plan at least a week ahead to get a special parking permit for a different lot if I want to work on a game day. :grumpy: We support research, blah blah blah...but only if it doesn't interfere with football. Oh well, it forces me to stay home one day a week.

Awesome! Where are you in the building? I'll stop by to say hi...sometime.

 

[Lisa!]

You know something, what you said is alittle strange. Your gf's done something that you don't like and then tell you about that! women usually don't speak to the person they love when they get invoved in this situation.
1. She may not want to be with you. So she told you about what she did in order to make you end the relationship.(perhaps she's afraid of doing that by herself) So in fact you're doing her a favor by ending the relationship!(who cares? you should just do what you think it's right and don't care whether she likes it or not.
2. She want to be with you and she just made a mistake and immediately felt bad about that, so she decided to talk to you. In this case she's really a honest person and likes you a lot and if she's changed the story for the second time, that means she loves you too much and has told you a lie because she doesn't want to lose you.

Now you're the only 1 who can get to decide why she's kissed a man and more important than that, why she's told you about that. because we don't know your gf at all.

<That was an optimistic view :tongue2: >

 

[El Hombre Invisible]

Objective, well-adjusted people would say that you did the right thing. From what you said, it sounded like she wanted you to either end it or do something that would justify her ended it beyond fancying someone else. She did just that. Good money says something along the lines of: "I told him it was an accident but he didn't care..." will be the official line to friends and family. Ho hum. But you ended it with dignity: rational and calm. Damage control good. Being calm and rational is not being cold-hearted. People have a problem with that kind of response cos they can't handle it - it's unexpected. It's second only to devious and cruel in my book. Hope you get over it very quickly mate. Try not to dwell. There's a whole host of cliches giving you better advice than I can, except maybe this: now is a good time to be amongst friends, moderate amounts of alcohol, and beautiful women as often as poss.

 

[Smurf]

I was still wondering though: Do you think the fact that I was analytical and detached about the matter makes me a cold person?
I'm sincerely worried that my relationship experiences are driving me in a direction that I don't want to go.

How else should one approach relationships? I often wish I were more analytical with such matters.

 

[loseyourname]

Heh heh heh...yep...moved here just to keep an eye on you! (I was preparing to move when you were asking about gambling laws here...now, how about getting together for a rousing game of bowls?) :rofl:

Damn, you just ruined the theory I put forth a few years back that no one ever voluntarily lives in WV. Maybe Morgantown is a bit more happening than the parts I've been through, but it seemed every person I met was born there, and most wanted to leave.

 

[loseyourname]

See, Gale17 is aware of your breakup and is already hitting on you.

She just turned 18 and she's already going for the older men. TSA learned his lesson - stay away from the younguns.

 

[Gale]

She just turned 18 and she's already going for the older men. TSA learned his lesson - stay away from the younguns.

nah, I've always liked older men, sides, stat'ape told me ages ago he liked older ladies. but hey, lyn... what's goin on?

 

[loseyourname]

nah, I've always liked older men, sides, stat'ape told me ages ago he liked older ladies. but hey, lyn... what's goin on?

Yeah, I got the feeling you've always liked older men. Only now you can legally pursue them.

And what do you mean StatutoryApe told you before that he preferred older women? Are you insinuating that you've actually tried to pick him up? Shame on you, Gale. (insert indignant emoticon that I refuse to use here)

 

[zoobyshoe]

Gale? Is that you?

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Yeah, I got the feeling you've always liked older men. Only now you can legally pursue them.

And what do you mean StatutoryApe told you before that he preferred older women? Are you insinuating that you've actually tried to pick him up? Shame on you, Gale. (insert indignant emoticon that I refuse to use here)

Knowing me I may very well have said something to her and added a disclaimer so that she did not think that I was picking up on her.