# Relationships and Game Theory

So last night my girlfriend decides to tell me that she "accidentally" kissed some guy at her work.

Uh Huh...

So I wait for her to explain... no explination comes for several minutes.
Finally she starts talking...

"I just went to give him a hug and then he turned his head....." dot dot dot nothing else being said...

"Aaand...."

"And what?"

"Well? Did you kiss him? What?"

"Well yeah."

Silence.

"He just turned his head. It was an accident."

"Uh Huh..."

"I mean I never get to see you what do you expect is going to happen?"

At this I was pretty pissed off. So I just said "I don't get to see you very often either." and walked away.

Later she comes back to talk to me again.
All the sudden the story starts changing. Next thing you know he was the one kissing her and then they were just sort of accidentally kissing each other and then "no our lips just sort of grazed each other, it wasn't a real kiss".

"Uh Huh"

So I told her that I can't trust her. She complained that she had told me the truth and been honest with me. I asked her which story she had told me was the truth. She told me that she would show me how this "accidental kiss" happened. I said no then told her that she could go get one of her friends and demonstrate on one of them.

Eventually it hit me...
"What we have here is a no win situation. I have every reason to believe that you are lying to me right now. If I were to accept what you are saying as truth and forgive you and you really are lying then you will not respect me anymore and not want to be with me. If I make you prove to me that you are telling the truth, even if you are able to do so, you will be angry with me for not trusting you and not want to be with me any more."

So not even taking into account how I would feel about myself in either situation it was quite clear that the proper solution was to just end the relationship.

Does that make me a cold hearted basterd to be evaluating my relationships that way?

By the way I talked to one of her friends after I had made my decision. I asked him what she had told him about what was going on. He said that she had been saying she isn't sure if she wants to be with me and that there is a cute guy at her work that she likes. I suddenly felt quite a bit better about calling her a lier.

enigma
Staff Emeritus
Gold Member
Your girlfriend's action are a cry for attention. She's feeling neglected. If you want to be with her, spend more time with her and this will probably all blow over. If you don't, let her go.

Just my $0.02 I would have went for her best friend/s.... And of course never talked to her again... Smurf said: I would've gathered more information before acting, but it sounds like you made the right decision. I don't know, I think this was a giant red flag: "He just turned his head. It was an accident." ... "I mean I never get to see you what do you expect is going to happen?" As if 'accidentally' kissing wasn't bad enough (come on! you don't 'accidentally' kiss somebody - unplanned, sure, but not accidentally), 2 seconds later she gives him an excuse for why she did it. I agree with your decision though. Some people like to play games in relationships. It seems like the younger you are the more common it is, but maybe they just learn to hide it better as they get older. :grumpy: If you're a straight-shooter (and it sounds like you are,) you'll have problems in a relationship with this type of person. enigma said: Your girlfriend's action are a cry for attention. She's feeling neglected. If you want to be with her, spend more time with her and this will probably all blow over. If you don't, let her go. Just my$0.02
She just started a job with a schedule that conflicts greatly with my own. There's nothing I can do about that.
Besides, it had only been three days since the last time I saw her.
That and I have a serious problem with being in a relationship with someone I can't trust.

Thank you for the two cents though.

You did the right thing.

Let's say you guys hadn't spent alot of time with each other and that led to this "accident". And then let's say you guys try to make it work and stay together. And then let's say there is a time when you both aren't spending alot of time with each other for whatever reason. Then there is another "accident". I wonder what that one would look like.

It's just a girlfriend, anyway... "Next!"

matthyaouw
Gold Member
I'd say you did the right thing. If she's gonna be unfaithful, you're better off without her.

If you don't mind me asking...how old are you guys? If you're like 20 and she's 18 then she probably doesn't like you anymore. Actually, don't take advice from me because I haven't had a gf yet...it's gonna happen eventually though.

heh, well, a female perspective... you probably did the right thing. when a girl starts playing games like that... even if she doesn't know it, things are over. Like you said, no matter what you did, she'd twist and probably complain later.

I'm sorry. you're a great guy. hope you aren't too bitter. its sad hearing about breakups, but i think you're better off. (btw, its cute how you spelled explanation wrong on myspace and here... i know you probably copy pasted but heh... ok, i just found it a little amusing.. hehe...)

Some people have a hard time breaking up, sounds like she wanted you to do it for her.

See, Gale17 is aware of your breakup and is already hitting on you.

Grogs said:
I don't know, I think this was a giant red flag:
Good point. I agree. I don't think you could've done anything, it's not your fault.

Moonbear
Staff Emeritus
Gold Member
I think you made the right decision there. First, if it was really just an accidental bumping of the lips as he turned his head when she went to hug him, 1) she would not feel so overwhelmed with guilt as to have needed to confess it to you...bleck...game playing is for children; and 2) why was she hugging him anyway?

What did she think was going to happen by telling you she kissed a guy at work? It sounded like she is either such a needy person that she would do something like that to get your attention, or she was trying to give you a reason to dump her so she wouldn't have to do the dumping.

You guys just need to find your nash equilibrium

Physics Wiz said:
If you don't mind me asking...how old are you guys?
I'm 26 and she's 21. I was a bit weary of involving myself with a younger girl. I guess this is what I get. Back to flirting with older women for me!

Gale said:
I'm sorry. you're a great guy. hope you aren't too bitter. its sad hearing about breakups, but i think you're better off. (btw, its cute how you spelled explanation wrong on myspace and here... i know you probably copy pasted but heh... ok, i just found it a little amusing.. hehe...)
thank you gale....
And yeah, my spelling is terrible about half the time.

Moonie said:
I think you made the right decision there. First, if it was really just an accidental bumping of the lips as he turned his head when she went to hug him, 1) she would not feel so overwhelmed with guilt as to have needed to confess it to you...bleck...game playing is for children; and 2) why was she hugging him anyway?

What did she think was going to happen by telling you she kissed a guy at work? It sounded like she is either such a needy person that she would do something like that to get your attention, or she was trying to give you a reason to dump her so she wouldn't have to do the dumping.
You're pretty much dead on though she did bring out the big guns in trying to hold onto me by saying "I love you" to me for the first time. That just dug her in deeper from where I was sitting at the time.

I think that she may have been subconsciously setting herself up. She always tells me that she has problems with lying though she never gave me any reason to think that she would lie to me (a mistake to have trusted her after this I know). Not more than ten minutes before this whole situation happened she was telling how she is really bad at lying. I laughed at her and pointed that out when she protested that she was not lying.

Thank you for the input everyone.
I was still wondering though: Do you think the fact that I was analytical and detached about the matter makes me a cold person?
I'm sincerely worried that my relationship experiences are driving me in a direction that I don't want to go.

Moonbear
Staff Emeritus
Gold Member
TheStatutoryApe said:
I was still wondering though: Do you think the fact that I was analytical and detached about the matter makes me a cold person?
No, it probably just means you already sensed something was wrong in the relationship anyway, so this wasn't too surprising or not too objectionable of an outcome anyway. I'd be more worried if you were analytical and detached while considering whether to marry her.

Besides, WV is very pretty this time of year. :tongue2:

Moonbear said:
Besides, WV is very pretty this time of year. :tongue2:
Do you live in WV?

Moonbear said:
Besides, WV is very pretty this time of year. :tongue2:

Evo
Mentor
TheStatutoryApe said:
I was still wondering though: Do you think the fact that I was analytical and detached about the matter makes me a cold person?
I'm sincerely worried that my relationship experiences are driving me in a direction that I don't want to go.
I think you made the right decision and I'm impressed that you saw through her game. She would not have respected you if you had tucked your tail between your legs, and it would've ended a lot messier later. No one "accidently" kisses someone. What comes next, "accidently" having sex?

Moonbear
Staff Emeritus
Gold Member
Physics_wiz said:
Do you live in WV?
Heh heh heh...yep...moved here just to keep an eye on you! (I was preparing to move when you were asking about gambling laws here...now, how about getting together for a rousing game of bowls?) :rofl:

JamesU
Gold Member
moonbear said:
Besides, WV is very pretty this time of year. :tongue2:
SA said:

Moonbear said:
Heh heh heh...yep...moved here just to keep an eye on you! (I was preparing to move when you were asking about gambling laws here...now, how about getting together for a rousing game of bowls?) :rofl:
What do you do? Do you teach in the University? Go to the games? If you teach, I might stop by to say hi one time .

Edit: I forgot WV was pretty big...I guess the first question should have been: Do you live in Morgantown? Btw, I was asking about the games because if you go you'll probably find me in the ASME tent before the game . I never went but I'm going to start going to that tent, you can come and get free food.

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Moonbear
Staff Emeritus
Gold Member
Physics_wiz said:
What do you do? Do you teach in the University? Go to the games? If you teach, I might stop by to say hi one time .

Edit: I forgot WV was pretty big...I guess the first question should have been: Do you live in Morgantown? Btw, I was asking about the games because if you go you'll probably find me in the ASME tent before the game . I never went but I'm going to start going to that tent, you can come and get free food.
I'm at the health sciences center (you know, the building on the big hill :rofl: ...for everyone else...ALL the buildings are on big hills)
Actually, I haven't gone to a game yet, but they use my parking lot for the tailgaters, which is really annoying since it means I have to plan at least a week ahead to get a special parking permit for a different lot if I want to work on a game day. :grumpy: We support research, blah blah blah...but only if it doesn't interfere with football. Oh well, it forces me to stay home one day a week.

Moonbear said:
No, it probably just means you already sensed something was wrong in the relationship anyway, so this wasn't too surprising or not too objectionable of an outcome anyway. I'd be more worried if you were analytical and detached while considering whether to marry her.

Besides, WV is very pretty this time of year. :tongue2:

Are you detached and analytical most of the time? Not as if it's the worst thing to be.