Responding what when someone calls you

[WhiteTim]

This thread is inspired by Ivan Seeking's thread styled "Pointing with the middle finger."

I notice from time to time that when some people call another person's name, rather than responding with "yes?" or some other type of reply, some people seem to inadvertently commit the act of rudeness by responding "What?". I don't think that the people are deliberately being rude. I think that most of the people don't even know that this is bad manners.

Example:

John, "Bill."

Bill: "What?"

Whenever I hear this, I can't help but think "Doesn't that guy know that it is rude to respond with what when someone calls him by name?"

When I was in public school, the customary response that a student would make when a teacher called his name to get his attention would be "What?", though nobody ever said anything about it...


What do you people think?

 

[tiny-tim]

Welcome to PF!

What? ​

 

[waht]

yea I'm here

 

[tiny-tim]

Who's here?

 

[Andre]

Not me, it must be a heffalump or a woozle.

 

[BobG]

I tend to blame every decline in etiquette on lawyers. (Law Students Set the Etiquette Bar Low, but still fail to pass the bar)

Monosyllable replies are always rude. I always expected my kids to reply with a full, "Whaddya want?!" when I called them.

When a person replies, "What?", I always think of Vinnie Barbarino (coincidently, it's Arnold Horshack's 60th birthday today).

 

[matthyaouw]

Why is it rude?

 

[rootX]

Monosyllable replies are always rude. I always expected my kids to reply with a full, "Whaddya want?!" when I called them.
.

I also think "Whaddya want?!" is less rude than "WHAT?"

 

[wolram]

I also think "Whaddya want?!" is less rude than "WHAT?"

What is old and misused, it will take many knuckle sandwiches to dislodge it.

 

[BobG]

Why is it rude?

Actually, replying, "What?" isn't rude in itself, but it does fail to meet the following requirement:

In writing or Speaking, give to every Person his due Title According to his Degree & the Custom of the Place.
(from http://gwpapers.virginia.edu/documents/civility/transcript.html

I guess it could comply with:
Let your Discourse with Men of Business be Short and Comprehensive.

Likewise, one should:

Every Action done in Company, ought to be with Some Sign of Respect, to those that are Present.

When in Company, put not your Hands to any Part of the Body, not usualy Discovered.

Shew Nothing to your Freind that may affright him.

In the Presence of Others Sing not to yourself with a humming Noise, nor Drum with your Fingers or Feet.

Sleep not when others Speak

Put not off your Cloths in the presence of Others

Kill no Vermin as Fleas, lice ticks &c in the Sight of Others, if you See any filth or thick Spittle put your foot Dexteriously upon it if it be upon the Cloths of your Companions, Put it off privately, and if it be upon your own Cloths return Thanks to him who puts it off.

All very good, common sense rules.

 

[Dr.D]

To go back to the original example, that should go perhaps:

Example:

John, "Bill."

Bill: "Yes, sir."

or

Example:

John, "Bill."

Bill: "How may I help you?"

or

Example:

John, "Bill."

Bill: "You called, sir?"

Just what did you have in mind?

 

[Gnosis]

This thread is inspired by Ivan Seeking's thread styled "Pointing with the middle finger."

I notice from time to time that when some people call another person's name, rather than responding with "yes?" or some other type of reply, some people seem to inadvertently commit the act of rudeness by responding "What?". I don't think that the people are deliberately being rude. I think that most of the people don't even know that this is bad manners.

Example:

John, "Bill."

Bill: "What?"

Whenever I hear this, I can't help but think "Doesn't that guy know that it is rude to respond with what when someone calls him by name?"

When I was in public school, the customary response that a student would make when a teacher called his name to get his attention would be "What?", though nobody ever said anything about it...


What do you people think?

Some people find the littlest damn things to complain about and this is a classic. It's only rude because YOU’VE assessed it as such. In reality, it's not rude in the least. They could have elected to ignore you altogether, and if you are so easily offended, then perhaps they’d be correct in doing so.

In responding with, “What?”, they've not only acknowledged that you’ve called upon them, but they’ve proceeded to the next logical step by asking what it is that you are inquiring about, thereby saving wasted chatter getting to the point. Do you also want a big wet kiss and hug before and after each conversation?

Perhaps you should just be thankful that they acknowledged you as nicely as they did. They could have simply responded with, “Bite me, dude!”

 

[Proton Soup]

Monosyllable replies are always rude.

"what can i do you for?"

six times ruder, or six time better?

 

[BobG]

Some people find the littlest damn things to complain about and this is a classic. It's only rude because YOU’VE assessed it as such. In reality, it's not rude in the least. They could have elected to ignore you altogether, and if you are so easily offended, then perhaps they’d be correct in doing so.

In responding with, “What?”, they've not only acknowledged that you’ve called upon them, but they’ve proceeded to the next logical step by asking what it is that you are inquiring about, thereby saving wasted chatter getting to the point. Do you also want a big wet kiss and hug before and after each conversation?

Perhaps you should just be thankful that they acknowledged you as nicely as they did. They could have simply responded with, “Bite me, dude!”

Thank you. I finally understand why "What?" is a rude answer. Without understanding the thought process behind a reply like that, I just thought that rule was kind of quaint.

 

[DaveC426913]

Some people find the littlest damn things to complain about and this is a classic. It's only rude because YOU’VE assessed it as such. In reality, it's not rude in the least. They could have elected to ignore you altogether, and if you are so easily offended, then perhaps they’d be correct in doing so.

In responding with, “What?”, they've not only acknowledged that you’ve called upon them, but they’ve proceeded to the next logical step by asking what it is that you are inquiring about, thereby saving wasted chatter getting to the point. Do you also want a big wet kiss and hug before and after each conversation?

Perhaps you should just be thankful that they acknowledged you as nicely as they did. They could have simply responded with, “Bite me, dude!”

Just because it's not the rudest thing one could say doesn't mean it's not rude.

"What?" is short for "What do you want?" which is kind of setting a bad precedent, as if the interruption is bothering them.

An appropriate response is "Yes?"

 

[OAQfirst]

So, does this mean I've been rude to people 24,040 times in my life? "What?" is so predominant now, it's hard to rationalize it as a rude response anymore. I've never thought anyone was being rude to me with that reply.

 

[DaveC426913]

"What?" is so predominant now, it's hard to rationalize it as a rude response anymore.

One could say the same thing about spitting on the ground. It is so predominant now it's hard for people to remember when spitting was a vile, disgusting and unhygienic habit.

Oh wait. Some of us haven't forgotten.

 

[OAQfirst]

I can't see a good comparison there. Spit bothers most people. "What?" does not.

 

[Proton Soup]

One could say the same thing about spitting on the ground. It is so predominant now it's hard for people to remember when spitting was a vile, disgusting and unhygienic habit.

Oh wait. Some of us haven't forgotten.

yes, it's exactly the same thing.

it all depends really, on inflection.

one might even make the same observation about simply calling someone by their name. if you need them to come look at something, you could've simply asked immediately after. you can't expect a proper reply if you don't ask a proper question.

 

[lisab]

This thread is inspired by Ivan Seeking's thread styled "Pointing with the middle finger."

I notice from time to time that when some people call another person's name, rather than responding with "yes?" or some other type of reply, some people seem to inadvertently commit the act of rudeness by responding "What?". I don't think that the people are deliberately being rude. I think that most of the people don't even know that this is bad manners.

Example:

John, "Bill."

Bill: "What?"

Whenever I hear this, I can't help but think "Doesn't that guy know that it is rude to respond with what when someone calls him by name?"

When I was in public school, the customary response that a student would make when a teacher called his name to get his attention would be "What?", though nobody ever said anything about it...


What do you people think?

There's more to this subject, though...it's not so simple.

For one, the tone of voice is the primary criteria of how any word or phrase comes across to the listener. There are very rude ways of saying, "Yes?". Similarly there are sweet, soft ways to say "What?". But I'll assume that's already understood.

Also, the tone of voice of the person calling the name will influence the response that is received.

Basically, when trying to determine whether a particular comment is rude or not, the whole interaction and tone have to be considered, not simply the words that were spoken.

 

[OAQfirst]

Ah. So that would explain why some of us [read ME] have better responses to the word than others might. Because it is a great stretch for me to see it as rude in any way. Related to the regional social environment and experiences, I suppose.

 

[DaveC426913]

I can't see a good comparison there. Spit bothers most people. "What?" does not.

No, that is what we're here debating - "what" does bother many people.

 

[OAQfirst]

There are too many ridiculous things that people are bothered by. I can see why spit would bother most, but "what?" is stretching it. I suppose I could tip-toe around words like this one, but had I have once found someone bothered by "what?", they'd have gotten no more than a blank stare from me and just about everyone I've ever worked with. It's certainly nowhere near the 'auspices' of the n-word, or the f-word, or even the h-word.

People are bothered by some of the most harmless things. So if we're playing with comparisons, how about nipples? Many people are bothered with those enough to demand that new mothers not breast-feed their babies in their own cars in a parking lot.

People take offense at so many things that don't even have anything to do with them. Stepping on someone's spit and dragging it into your living room carries far more weight than "what?" ever will.

In short, folks need to get over that stuff.

 

[DaveC426913]

There are too many ridiculous things that people are bothered by.

Everyone has their quirks. If peoples' "botheredness" were directly related to the actual trouble something is, we wouldn't be individual people, we'd be an army of identical robots. Peccadillos are one of the things that makes us who we are.

Why does that bother you?

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

How do we know that John was not rudely interrupting Bill?

I think I usually respond with "Hmmmm...?"

Unless its my roommate in which case I respond with "What the f*** do you want f*****!" You see its the hight of rudeness in our household not to respectfully refer to others as a bundle of sticks or branches.

 

[OAQfirst]

Everyone has their quirks. If peoples' "botheredness" were directly related to the actual trouble something is, we wouldn't be individual people, we'd be an army of identical robots. Peccadillos are one of the things that makes us who we are.

Why does that bother you?

Peccadillos make us who we are?

Sure, there's a great range of things people are bothered by. I think the impetus of all disagreements stem from that. Nonetheless, if we're going to get along with people, we have to find the equilibrium of what our culture accepts and rejects. While I should've emphasized that I'm basing my previous points entirely on my own observations of that equilibrium, it's served me just fine. To illustrate that point, spitting in many areas can carry fines. I doubt the use of "What?" could ever be punished.

 

[DaveC426913]

To illustrate that point, spitting in many areas can carry fines. I doubt the use of "What?" could ever be punished.

But you can't attempt to regulate or quantify what is allowed to bother people. No one's trying to enact any laws, we're just stating what bugs us. We're allowed to do that.

Many people lament the loss of a time when people knew how to speak and spell and write and behave towards one another.

 

[OAQfirst]

Well, I understand that. I know that's the direction of this thread. But I also understand that language and formalities evolve such that people have a hard time adjusting to those changes. I'm bothered by the mere change of pitch I observed a few years back in a common reply sentence, "Yes it is." (Complicated story.) So. To keep myself within the framework of that society, as much as that change bothered me, I put up with it and concentrated on the things that really mattered. I know that people are generally grouchy and complain about every tiny thing, and that's where I'm ultimately going with all of this. I really wish that people would stand back a bit and get a broader perspective on their lives around people. Heck, I had a kid chew me out because I used "cool" to describe something in passing. I would bet he picked that up from us adults, getting riled over a harmless word.

And then, of course, just to cover bases, there is profanity and that is a different matter. "What the f--- do you want?" is of course a definite no-no in most any situation. Still, it's the response it generates that gives it the power for folks to wield.

Yet, as far as I can tell, people still know how to write and speak and spell and behave towards everyone. The evolution of language has little bearing on that because we direct its changes. I've seen "What?" used in movies, books, courtrooms... Times them are a changin'. People still, even then, know how to behave because they follow that equilibrium. We can resist that change we were comfortable with, but the change will come. And that, I think, is what really bothers people.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Many people lament the loss of a time when people knew how to speak and spell and write and behave towards one another.

?
When was this?

 

[Moonbear]

"What" bothers people? Why? I could see if the response was a very clipped, "NOW what?" but not just "What?"

Since you claim "Yes" is an okay response, even being as monosyllabic as "what," does that mean I'm safe with, "Yeah, what?"

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Now that I think about it John was definitely rude. He should have said something along the lines of "Excuse me Bill can I ask you something?" or "Pardon me Bill...?" perhaps some other variation. I mean really, what sort of response does one expect when they simply call out ones name?! John certainly has no room to complain.

 

[tiny-tim]

Example:

John, "Bill."

Bill: "What?"

Now that I think about it John was definitely rude. He should have said something along the lines of "Excuse me Bill can I ask you something?" or "Pardon me Bill...?" perhaps some other variation. I mean really, what sort of response does one expect when they simply call out ones name?! John certainly has no room to complain.

waht?

 

[Evo]

In my office we often call out the name of a co-worker to ask a question. If someone responded with "what?" it would be considered rude, it would come across sounding like they are annoyed. I have never heard anyone I work with respond with "what?".

 

[DaveC426913]

But I also understand that language and formalities evolve such that people have a hard time adjusting to those changes.

You call it evolving; I call it degenerating. People have become accustomed to more and more disrespect. Just because it's become common doesn't make it OK.

 

[DaveC426913]

Now that I think about it John was definitely rude. He should have said something along the lines of "Excuse me Bill can I ask you something?"

No. Calling someone's name is the very least interrruptive thing one can do. It's one word, it addresses whose attention is needed, it requires no conscious diverting of "processing power" and the only response it requires is no response at all (if you're busy or, say, on the phone). If the recipient is open to interruption, that's his option.

Short of leaving the person alone completely until such time as they open up to input, calling their name is the most considerate action.

 

[BobG]

Now that I think about it John was definitely rude. He should have said something along the lines of "Excuse me Bill can I ask you something?" or "Pardon me Bill...?" perhaps some other variation. I mean really, what sort of response does one expect when they simply call out ones name?! John certainly has no room to complain.

I agree.

All of this assumes both are in the same room. The only time it's appropriate to just yell out the person's name is when distance or noise make holding a reasonable conversation impossible. In that case, a yelled one-word response might be appropriate. It shows the person has heard the caller and is ready receive hand signals or to move to a more appropriate place to hold a conversation.

In my office, if we want to get the attention of the person sitting at the next desk, we just e-mail them.

 

[Evo]

We all work in cubicles and can hear each other, so I might say "Mark?", and if he's there and can respond, he'll say "yes?".

We have IM between us, but it's easier to just talk, and more fun.

An ealier question resulted in everyone quoting from "The Princess Bride", then of course playing parts of the movie.

 

[DaveC426913]

We all work in cubicles and can hear each other,

Speaking of rude irritating behavior in an office setting, I'm contracting in an office right now that is one giant warehouse floor of desks - not even cubicles. The culture here has various people playing their music as they see fit (usually one at a time though). Earlier today, a TV sitcom was playing on a projector screen with the sound on.

I just don't understand what they're thinking.

 

[BobG]

The best reason not to respond "What?":

Jules: Oh, you were finished! Well, allow me to retort. What does Marsellus Wallace look like?
Brett: What?
Jules: What country are you from?
Brett: What? What? Wh - ?
Jules: "What" ain't no country I've ever heard of. They speak English in What?
Brett: What?
Jules: English, ************, do you speak it?
Brett: Yes! Yes!
Jules: Then you know what I'm sayin'!
Brett: Yes!
Jules: Describe what Marsellus Wallace looks like!
Brett: What?
Jules: Say 'what' again. Say 'what' again, I dare you, I double dare you ************, say what one more ******* time!

 

[Redbelly98]

As long as a person knows how to convert from square kilometers into square miles correctly, I am not bothered by how they respond when called.

 

[Coin]

I have an extremely common first name. When I hear my first name called I am often not specifically certain that anyone was trying to get my attention at all. So sometimes I will say, "what?", as if to communicate, "did someone call my name?"

 

[OAQfirst]

You call it evolving; I call it degenerating. People have become accustomed to more and more disrespect. Just because it's become common doesn't make it OK.

You can find the disrespect only in one's intent. This isn't mere ignorance of the historical application. Call it what you want, it's a given change to our use of language. A clear predominance of that use without intended disrespect, at least in some localities, will be a strong defense to anyone's taking offense to this use.

Because it is common makes it OK. Because that's how it's used and as such the intent is clearly conveyed.

That's one way language evolves.

 

[Proton Soup]

Speaking of rude irritating behavior in an office setting, I'm contracting in an office right now that is one giant warehouse floor of desks - not even cubicles. The culture here has various people playing their music as they see fit (usually one at a time though). Earlier today, a TV sitcom was playing on a projector screen with the sound on.

I just don't understand what they're thinking.

heh, "been there, done that." and the visual noise of people moving around was maybe worse to me than the back-and-forth banter. eventually they did put in cubicles, but they still left up the public address system that ran through the whole plant. they weren't shy about using the PAS, either. that place made me physically ill.

 

[DaveC426913]

You can find the disrespect only in one's intent.

What about plain-old thoughtlessness? That is a form of disrespect.

"I meant no disrespect when I ran you over with my car, I was distracted by my phone."

Saying "What (do you want)?" can be construed as the thoughtless divulgence of one's inner feelings about being interrupted (like muttering under one's breath). In a public setting such as an office, to get along one would only want to divulge thnigs one wants to "make a big deal" about.

 

[Evo]

I took a poll in my office and all agreed "yes?" was the most appropriate, and they only asked "what?" if they needed you to repeat a question. Of course this is an office where most people are at least in their 30's.

 

[BobG]

What about plain-old thoughtlessness? That is a form of disrespect.

"I meant no disrespect when I ran you over with my car, I was distracted by my phone."

Proper etiquette dictates that one flash his lights and honk his horn before running over pedestrians. (http://wjz.com/sports/donte.stallworth.accident.2.973187.html )

 

[OAQfirst]

What about plain-old thoughtlessness? That is a form of disrespect.

"I meant no disrespect when I ran you over with my car, I was distracted by my phone."

Saying "What (do you want)?" can be construed as the thoughtless divulgence of one's inner feelings about being interrupted (like muttering under one's breath). In a public setting such as an office, to get along one would only want to divulge thnigs one wants to "make a big deal" about.

You tie distraction to thoughtlessness? Distraction are obstacles to attention. When I respond with "What?", you have my attention and any thoughts I may offer.

Any response can be construed to mean anything if you're so bothered according to your own conventions. This is silly.

 

[MissSilvy]

I can see where some people may consider the following rude:

Mark: Bill, can you do this for me?
Bill: What?

But someone people also get their panties in a wad over this:

Mark: And so I said we should cut the funds and double the production schedule.
Bill: *didn't understand what Mark just said* What?

Personally, I usually say 'pardon?' to the latter but I think 'what' is only offensive if it's said rudely or as a reply to some longer statement made to you. So in the case of "can you do this for me, Bill?" I think 'what' would sound like a stupid reply because it's a monosyllabic response to a polysyllabic question. Am I getting my meaning across?

Communication is something like only 10% literally what you say. How you say it and how you physically react is generally the bulk of your image to someone else, so quibbling over nuances is quite silly.

 

[OAQfirst]

I took a poll in my office and all agreed "yes?" was the most appropriate, and they only asked "what?" if they needed you to repeat a question. Of course this is an office where most people are at least in their 30's.

You were supposed to ask them what they thought of Highlander - The Source.

 

[DaveC426913]

You tie distraction to thoughtlessness? Distraction are obstacles to attention. When I respond with "What?", you have my attention and any thoughts I may offer.

I'm saying being distracted such that you don't address someone properly is rude. "What?" Is short-hand for "What do you want?" If I called your name and you responded "What do you want?" I would immediately question (justifiably) whether I am irritating you.

In most polite circumstances, we try not to leave others with the impression that they've irritated us.

Anyway, it is clear that it doesn't bother you but it does bother other people. If the world worked such that we all only worried about what bothers ourselves and dismissed what bothers the rest of the world, well, it would be a pretty unhappy place.

And now you know "what" bothers a significant portion the population, you can conduct yourself accordingly.