My Girlfriend's Struggle with Weed and Our Relationship

[Mentallic]

My girlfriend used to be pretty self-conscious about herself and thus quite antisocial and prone to peer pressure - until I stepped in and fixed her right up! (flexes)

So she tried weed during that stage of her life and she really likes it. Thing is, she hasn't gotten over it either so in a sense she's hooked. Not the kind of hooked where you can't go without it for a week or anything, but the kind where she won't pass it up if she's offered it.

Here's where we clash - I hate drugs. I've never done it myself but nonetheless I find it dirty and disgusting and it turns me off of her, especially after this one time where she smoked some weed with her friends at the park just outside my place, then she called me up asking for a bottle of water. I brought it to her, kissed her, and nearly threw up. I hate cigarettes too and she wreaked of it. She doesn't smoke though, it's just that the weed was riddled with tobacco. If that wasn't enough, her incessant coughing was so hoarse that if I hadn't known any better, it could've been the coughing of a throaty 60 year old man.

Ok so throughout our relationship, a few of the big fights we had was over the subject of weed, but it hasn't come up in a while since she hasn't done it for a few months now - as far as I know.

So she went on schoolies today and since she brought up the subject again before she left about how I feel if she did some weed there, well, I said I was ok with it. She called me and said she's doing it tonight and it just occurred to me at that moment that it's not going to be a one time thing during the next week, they're doing it the first night there and it's definitely not going to stop at that.

Long story short, I'm peeved off! So am I being a little girl about all this or would you / have you felt in a similar way that I have?

 

[cronxeh]

Well I used to hate drugs and drug users too. Then an event took place, and now I have a much more expanded, tolerant mind

Not condoning addictive substances, but in my book THC, MDMA, and Salvinorin are OK. Like I said, and most of you might disagree, but don't knock it till you've tried it. There are a lot of lies being spread around in this world, especially about nutrition, recreational drugs, and money.

 

[Mentallic]

I was willing to try it once too, knowing fully well it'll probably be a good feeling like trying alcohol for the first time. But I backed out of it.
I'd rather not know what it feels like and always have that itch on my mind that I want to do it again. I just straight up hate smoking and drugs.

She also says she hates smoking too. But isn't weed smoking? Its not tobacco but obviously she doesn't have a problem with that either since she can smoke weed that had more tobacco than anything else in it.

 

[Evo]

My girlfriend used to be pretty self-conscious about herself and thus quite antisocial and prone to peer pressure - until I stepped in and fixed her right up! (flexes)

So she tried weed during that stage of her life and she really likes it. Thing is, she hasn't gotten over it either so in a sense she's hooked. Not the kind of hooked where you can't go without it for a week or anything, but the kind where she won't pass it up if she's offered it.

Here's where we clash - I hate drugs. I've never done it myself but nonetheless I find it dirty and disgusting and it turns me off of her, especially after this one time where she smoked some weed with her friends at the park just outside my place, then she called me up asking for a bottle of water. I brought it to her, kissed her, and nearly threw up. I hate cigarettes too and she wreaked of it. She doesn't smoke though, it's just that the weed was riddled with tobacco. If that wasn't enough, her incessant coughing was so hoarse that if I hadn't known any better, it could've been the coughing of a throaty 60 year old man.

Ok so throughout our relationship, a few of the big fights we had was over the subject of weed, but it hasn't come up in a while since she hasn't done it for a few months now - as far as I know.

So she went on schoolies today and since she brought up the subject again before she left about how I feel if she did some weed there, well, I said I was ok with it. She called me and said she's doing it tonight and it just occurred to me at that moment that it's not going to be a one time thing during the next week, they're doing it the first night there and it's definitely not going to stop at that.

Long story short, I'm peeved off! So am I being a little girl about all this or would you / have you felt in a similar way that I have?

You have a right to decide not to date someone that has a drug habit. I refused to date men that smoked cigarettes, drugs wasn't even an option. I would never allow smoking in my house, I would not be around someone that reeked of smoke. The saying that kissing someone that smokes is like licking a dirty ashtray is absolutely true.

You have to decide what is important to you. Would you want to marry her and have her carry your children if she can't pass up smoking? Do you see her as a role model for your children?

 

[cronxeh]

Well listen. I do not support smoking cigarettes, but I've smoked a mean hookah and the feeling of toking down a big fat cigar on New Years is also something I cherish. I mean OK I've toked a fat cigar while running red lights to a medical call too, but that was more of 'for fun' thing, considering you had 2 oxygen tanks behind you and a cigar in your mouth, takes your mind off the red lights a little.

Drinking alcohol I would rate as being more dangerous than marijuana. So what is legal and socially acceptable is rather stupid. You see low fat diets are stupid and vegetarian diets, but people still think they work.

 

[ThomasT]

So she tried weed during that stage of her life ...

Who hasn't?

... she won't pass it up if she's offered it.

I probably wouldn't either. But nobody's offered me any since about 1980.

------- snip -------

So am I being a little girl about all this ... [/QUOTE]Imho, from what you've written, yeah.

 

[jackmell]

My girlfriend used to be pretty self-conscious about herself and thus quite antisocial and prone to peer pressure - until I stepped in and fixed her right up! (flexes)

So she tried weed during that stage of her life and she really likes it. Thing is, she hasn't gotten over it either so in a sense she's hooked. Not the kind of hooked where you can't go without it for a week or anything, but the kind where she won't pass it up if she's offered it.

Here's where we clash - I hate drugs. I've never done it myself but nonetheless I find it dirty and disgusting and it turns me off of her, especially after this one time where she smoked some weed with her friends at the park just outside my place, then she called me up asking for a bottle of water. I brought it to her, kissed her, and nearly threw up. I hate cigarettes too and she wreaked of it. She doesn't smoke though, it's just that the weed was riddled with tobacco. If that wasn't enough, her incessant coughing was so hoarse that if I hadn't known any better, it could've been the coughing of a throaty 60 year old man.

Ok so throughout our relationship, a few of the big fights we had was over the subject of weed, but it hasn't come up in a while since she hasn't done it for a few months now - as far as I know.

So she went on schoolies today and since she brought up the subject again before she left about how I feel if she did some weed there, well, I said I was ok with it. She called me and said she's doing it tonight and it just occurred to me at that moment that it's not going to be a one time thing during the next week, they're doing it the first night there and it's definitely not going to stop at that.

Long story short, I'm peeved off! So am I being a little girl about all this or would you / have you felt in a similar way that I have?

Jesus dude, that's a simple equation: you don't like weed then you gotta' dump her. She's not gonna' stop while she's with you. Ain't gonna' happen. She's gonna' continue sneaking around you and gettin' high and you guys will continue to fight over it and eventually break up. That's my appraisal. No charge. That's ok. I'm happy to do it for free even cus' I care. :)

 

[Phrak]

You and she don't even live in the same universe. One, find someone else who does live in the same universe first, then dump her--in that order. The order does not commute.

 

[Mentallic]

You have a right to decide not to date someone that has a drug habit. I refused to date men that smoked cigarettes, drugs wasn't even an option.

And I too with women, but the topic of whether or not you smoke weed doesn't usually come up while flirting so I didn't know about it till well into the relationship.

You have to decide what is important to you. Would you want to marry her and have her carry your children if she can't pass up smoking? Do you see her as a role model for your children?

Yes you're right, if either one of my parents had ever mentioned that they smoked or did any drugs occasionally at a younger age, then I would most likely not be so against it and probably have even tried it myself. I would much rather my children have a better role model.

Drinking alcohol I would rate as being more dangerous than marijuana. So what is legal and socially acceptable is rather stupid. You see low fat diets are stupid and vegetarian diets, but people still think they work.

I agree that alcohol is probably more harmful than marijuana, but I don't consider what is socially acceptable as being a stupid thing. Doing something that is illegal, even if it is safer than doing something similar, yet legal, says a lot about who you are. Also, it's not just because it's illegal but because I hate smoking and find it disgusting.

Who hasn't?

I probably wouldn't either. But nobody's offered me any since about 1980.

------- snip -------

So am I being a little girl about all this ... Imho, from what you've written, yeah.

Fair enough.
At one point I was sleeping really late and waking up at midday. She didn't like it for various reasons so I changed that. It's just some little stupid things like that which don't really affect either of us directly but makes us dislike the other for it anyway.

Jesus dude, that's a simple equation: you don't like weed then you gotta' dump her. She's not gonna' stop while she's with you. Ain't gonna' happen. She's gonna' continue sneaking around you and gettin' high and you guys will continue to fight over it and eventually break up. That's my appraisal. No charge. That's ok. I'm happy to do it for free even cus' I care. :)

Well like I said she hasn't done it in ages. It's not really something worth breaking up over if it doesn't get anymore severe than it already is. But if she's not willing to stop doing it and I'm not willing to accept it then there has to be a tear somewhere... at the moment it's me getting pissed off about it.

 

[anubis01]

Well I do agree that smoking marijuana is a deal breaker, but you did tell her it was okay to go smoke with her friends, why did you say it was okay if it bothered you? From her point of view it seems like you've changed your stance on the issue.

You should explain to her that you still feel fairly strongly about her smoking marijuana and take things from there.


Also, if you do mind whatever happened between that guy friend of hers in your last thread, it could be relevant because she's presumably doing drugs with a bunch of males and that kind of behavior you described gets worse in these kinds of situations.

 

[Mentallic]

Well I do agree that smoking marijuana is a deal breaker, but you did tell her it was okay to go smoke with her friends, why did you say it was okay if it bothered you? From her point of view it seems like you've changed your stance on the issue.

I was trying to avoid a fight. She asked me probably in the hope that I've changed my mind about it all. Well she got what she wanted and I didn't want to spoil her fun either. I mean, it would suck if all her friends are doing it and she has to sit it out just because I don't like her doing it.

Also, if you do mind whatever happened between that guy friend of hers in your last thread, it could be relevant because she's presumably doing drugs with a bunch of males and that kind of behavior you described gets worse in these kinds of situations.

It's a different group of friends altogether, these people she's going with are her close friends.
She is a good girl even though I probably don't portray her in that way since I just seem to ***** and moan constantly, it just all stems down to her insecurities which made her susceptible to peer pressure. And her ex which got her into it really...

 

[jackmell]

Ain't no way my woman gonna' be hookin' up with no guy-friends and gettin' high. Like I mean those guys ain't wantin' what all guys are wantin'? Come on dude. That's a deal-breaker:

"Girl, you get high with them you stay with them. Look, I'm done."

"what, you breaking up with me?"

"ain't breakin', broke. I didn't say doin."

 

[chaoseverlasting]

Try it out. Maybe you'll change your mind about it. If you still don't like it, that's ok, but (and this is a personal opinion) you should atleast be basically aware of what's happening around you.

 

[Pyrrhus]

It's ok to draw the line somewhere. I don't do drugs and/or smoke, and I don't date girls that smoke and/or do drugs. In the case of friends, I don't mind.

 

[anubis01]

I was trying to avoid a fight. She asked me probably in the hope that I've changed my mind about it all. Well she got what she wanted and I didn't want to spoil her fun either. I mean, it would suck if all her friends are doing it and she has to sit it out just because I don't like her doing it.

Well in trying to avoid a fight, you've probably set the stage for a bigger confrontation, considering your reverse heel on the issue. You'll just have to explain to her that you didn't want to ruin her fun but that her behavior did bother you.

It's a different group of friends altogether, these people she's going with are her close friends. She is a good girl even though I probably don't portray her in that way since I just seem to ***** and moan constantly, it just all stems down to her insecurities which made her susceptible to peer pressure. And her ex which got her into it really...

If it was only a matter of peer pressure, she would have stopped once her ex was out of the picture. She smokes because she wants too, and her social circle reflects that. You're going to have a tough time convincing her to stop. So I advise you to make your objections firmly, and consistently, and just take things from there.

 

[russ_watters]

Well listen. I do not support smoking cigarettes, but I've smoked a mean hookah and the feeling of toking down a big fat cigar on New Years is also something I cherish.

I despise smoking, but will say that I've smoked a cigar at a wedding or two. But if my date to the wedding was turned-off by the prospect of kissing a guy who just smoked a cigar, I would probably forgo it.

Each of you has to decide what it is important to you. Obviously, she knows it is a big issue to you, but still does it - and that bothers you. One or both of you will have to decide if it is big enough of an issue to change your position for the good of the relationship.

 

[russ_watters]

Well in trying to avoid a fight, you've probably set the stage for a bigger confrontation...

Agreed, though I have some advice on that: the best time to bring it up to her is not when she's grabbing her car keys to leave because you'll really be backing her into a corner. Bring it up at dinner or in bed or where-ever you feel you can be open with her and you are separated from the issue you are discussing.

 

[fuzzyfelt]

Agreed, though I have some advice on that: the best time to bring it up to her is not when she's grabbing her car keys to leave because you'll really be backing her into a corner. Bring it up at dinner or in bed or where-ever you feel you can be open with her and you are separated from the issue you are discussing.

Agreed, and if by ‘schoolies’ you mean that (Aus) tradition where every 17/18 year old on the entire continent gets together at the beach for a once in a lifetime week of celebrating the end of school, then that would probably be a very bad time to discuss things you don't agree with.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schoolies_week

 

[chaoseverlasting]

It's ok to draw the line somewhere. I don't do drugs and/or smoke, and I don't date girls that smoke and/or do drugs. In the case of friends, I don't mind.

I know where you're coming from. I had the same perspective earlier. I didnt drink/smoke back in school (I still don't smoke), but once I did try it out in the right environment with some close friends, it turned out to be a lot of fun. There are two sides to the story.

 

[Sourabh N]

Be happy it's weed.

Try it. If you don't like it, dump the girl and don't do it ever again.

If you like it, imagine getting high with your girlfriend! *drool*

 

[Pyrrhus]

I know where you're coming from. I had the same perspective earlier. I didnt drink/smoke back in school (I still don't smoke), but once I did try it out in the right environment with some close friends, it turned out to be a lot of fun. There are two sides to the story.

Not really, I drink socially, and I may smoke a cigar or pipe (once a year or every 2-3 years), but I am firm on this. I am not interested in a girl that smokes constantly, and does drugs (marihuana, cocaine, extasis, whatever). This is where I draw the line.

 

[FlexGunship]

So she tried weed during that stage of her life and she really likes it. Thing is, she hasn't gotten over it either so in a sense she's hooked. Not the kind of hooked where you can't go without it for a week or anything, but the kind where she won't pass it up if she's offered it.

Here's where we clash - I hate drugs. I've never done it myself but nonetheless I find it dirty and disgusting and it turns me off of her.

Two problems:

1. If you think she's making poor decisions, that's a reflection of how you feel about her.
2. It's kind of silly to prejudge. Marjuana isn't any more dangerous than a glass of alcohol or a cigar. Take the time to share it with her before you start looking down on her.

 

[Evo]

Be happy it's weed.

Try it. If you don't like it, dump the girl and don't do it ever again.

If you like it, imagine getting high with your girlfriend! *drool*

Two problems:

1. If you think she's making poor decisions, that's a reflection of how you feel about her.
2. It's kind of silly to prejudge. Marjuana isn't any more dangerous than a glass of alcohol or a cigar. Take the time to share it with her before you start looking down on her.

I really have to disagree with getting high just to see her side of it. If she shot up heroin, would you suggest that he shoot up with her to see if he likes it? If she smokes cigarettes would you suggest that he start smoking tobacco with her? Seriously, I have to say this is not good advice.

 

[FlexGunship]

I really have to disagree with getting high just to see her side of it. If she shot up heroin, would you suggest that he shoot up with her to see if he likes it? If she smokes cigarettes would you suggest that he start smoking tobacco with her? Seriously, I have to say this is not good advice.

Fair enough. I think the important thing here is that it isn't heroin (and comparisons to heroin really don't do the situation justice). Furthermore, people commonly decide not to date someone that smokes cigarettes. We consider this a normal "filter" on the people we date.

Our OP friend has already passed that point; he has chosen not to apply the filter and still considers her a candidate in his dating pool (as it were).

The fact that her drug of choice seems to be so benign is the only reason I even suggested it. It may give an important perspective on the situation. Most importantly though, it turns the OP into a peer, not a judge.

 

[Evo]

The fact that her drug of choice seems to be so benign is the only reason I even suggested it. It may give an important perspective on the situation. Most importantly though, it turns the OP into a peer, not a judge.

It doesn't matter if some people consider it benign, it's smoking, it's nasty to people that don't like smoking. If she chewed her toenails would you suggest that he start chewing his toenails before he told her he considered it gross and that he might dump her? It's the same thing. I don't have to participate in an activity I don't approve of in order to make a decision that I don't want a significant other that does it.

 

[FlexGunship]

I don't have to participate in an activity I don't approve of in order to make a decision that I don't want a significant other that does it.

I didn't mean to imply you didn't have a valid point. In fact, I think you're right, Evo.

HOWEVER... our OP friend is passed the point you are talking about. He's asking what to do now. It's not as though he can force her to stop smoking (well, he could try, but eh U.S. gov't has been trying that for a while). So, his options are to either acknowledge that they aren't compatible... or stop trying to judge her and get a new perspective on the issue.

It's not as though the weed is forcing itself on this girl. The weed isn't inciting her to displease him at every turn. She's making a choice which he doesn't approve of.

 

[Sourabh N]

It doesn't matter if some people consider it benign, it's smoking, it's nasty to people that don't like smoking. If she chewed her toenails would you suggest that he start chewing his toenails before he told her he considered it gross and that he might dump her? It's the same thing. I don't have to participate in an activity I don't approve of in order to make a decision that I don't want a significant other that does it.

I think the point is where (and how far) you can go to keep the relationship. It's a personal choice, really. Give up your loathing or give up your girl. Since he has already tried the girl (I assume), try *weed*. Of course, if you hate weed to death, this option is out of consideration. It's upto you to be so stringent about something you just heard of.

But as Flex said, it's weed we're talking about. If one replaces weed by heroin in the above paragraph, my opinion will change.

 

[Evo]

I think the point is where (and how far) you can go to keep the relationship. It's a personal choice, really. Give up your loathing or give up your girl. Since he has already tried the girl (I assume), try *weed*. Of course, if you hate weed to death, this option is out of consideration. It's upto you to be so stringent about something you just heard of.

But as Flex said, it's weed we're talking about. If one replaces weed by heroin in the above paragraph, my opinion will change.

Doesn't matter what it is, he said there are two things he's against, smoking and doing something illegal. He doesn't have to do it to disapprove of it, that's silly.

What he's trying to decide is if he wants to accept what she does, he's not trying to decide if he should engage in activities he disapproves of.

 

[Sourabh N]

Doesn't matter what it is, he said there are two things he's against, smoking and doing something illegal. He doesn't have to do it to disapprove of it, that's silly.

What he's trying to decide is if he wants to accept what she does, he's not trying to decide if he should engage in activities he disapproves of.

Here's where we clash - I hate drugs. I've never done it myself but nonetheless I find it dirty and disgusting and it turns me off of her, especially after this one time where she smoked some weed with her friends at the park just outside my place, then she called me up asking for a bottle of water. I brought it to her, kissed her, and nearly threw up. I hate cigarettes too and she wreaked of it. She doesn't smoke though, it's just that the weed was riddled with tobacco. If that wasn't enough, her incessant coughing was so hoarse that if I hadn't known any better, it could've been the coughing of a throaty 60 year old man.

Long story short, I'm peeved off! So am I being a little girl about all this or would you / have you felt in a similar way that I have?

All I am saying is don't disapprove an activity just because.
But if he has already made a decision about his attitude, leave her. Good for both of you.

 

[Dembadon]

I despise smoking, but will say that I've smoked a cigar at a wedding or two. But if my date to the wedding was turned-off by the prospect of kissing a guy who just smoked a cigar, I would probably forgo it.

Each of you has to decide what it is important to you. Obviously, she knows it is a big issue to you, but still does it - and that bothers you. One or both of you will have to decide if it is big enough of an issue to change your position for the good of the relationship.

Good post, Russ.

I'd like to add, Mentallic, that it's not wrong for her to want to smoke weed, nor is it wrong for you to dislike it. As others have suggested, you both need to have a discussion about the relationship in which a decision is reached about its future, because it sounds like you've already shared your feelings. I'd also suggest that you ask her how she feels about the whole thing, if you haven't already. Don't assume anything.

 

[Dembadon]

All I am saying is don't disapprove an activity just because.
But if he has already made a decision about his attitude, leave her. Good for both of you.

He doesn't disapprove "just because"; he gave perfectly valid reasons for not liking them.

 

[ThomasT]

Fair enough.
At one point I was sleeping really late and waking up at midday. She didn't like it for various reasons so I changed that. It's just some little stupid things like that which don't really affect either of us directly but makes us dislike the other for it anyway.

Ok, so you're sort of in love, and not, in various ways. Anyway, what are you doing getting up at midday? I'm assuming you're a young person and a scientist. Ok, sure, I used to get up at the crack of noon, but I was an aimless loadout at the time. Are you an aimless loadout? If not, then for god's sake man pull it together. Or, am I missing something in your presentation? Anyway, best of luck. I don't think you have a super difficult problem here. Are you the person with the marijuana smoking girlfriend? Well, things could be a lot worse. You might consider hooking up with a non-marijuana smoking girl. Just a suggestion. Personally, in my experience, I've not found marijuana smoking to be much of a problem. Addictions to pills? Yeah. Shooting up heroine and/or cocaine? Yeah. But marijuana, no. So, I have to believe that you're going to work this out.

My personal recommendation: tennis and luke warm showers. Plus, veggy juicing. I know, it sounds silly. Oh, and lots of yogurt (with fruit), and water. It might not fix your romantic situation, but I guarantee you'll feel good.

 

[bd7878]

she smoked when you met her - she has not responded to your protest as yet, most likely she will not stop. Either learn to live with it or part ways