cons013 said:
if you type 'spacetime' you get images of a body in the middle of a grid making a dent.
As Nugatory said, these images are very misleading. One big reason is that they are not images of curved spacetime, they are images of curved space. (The video by A.T. that Nugatory referred to, by contrast, actually shows you images of curved spacetime--though they are still images with a reduced number of dimensions. Nobody knows how to make 4-dimensional images. ;))
cons013 said:
I don't see how space can bend and ripple and whatever (that's what she told us).
Again, it's spacetime curvature that's important, not space curvature. (Space can be curved in GR too, but I think it's better to start by trying to understand what spacetime curvature is.)
cons013 said:
She said it's like gridlines on a map- but space is 3d
Yes, and spacetime is 4d. But you can still draw gridlines in 3d space, right? It will just be a 3-dimensional grid instead of a 2-dimensional one.
The real question is, if we try to "draw gridlines" in 4d spacetime, how do we draw the lines in the time direction? And the answer is, we draw them by looking at the motion of freely falling objects--objects that feel no force. (You can test for such objects by attaching accelerometers to them; if the accelerometers read zero, the object is freely falling. For example, the International Space Station is a freely falling object. So is a spacecraft like the Voyager probe. So is the Earth in its orbit about the Sun.) The paths of these objects provide the "grid lines" in the time direction in spacetime.
Another important point: any gridlines we draw have to be straight, in the appropriate sense. If the manifold (that's a general term that can be used to refer to spacetime, or ordinary 3d space, or a 2d surface like a sheet of paper) is flat (like a sheet of paper laid flat on a table), then the gridlines just need to be straight in the ordinary sense you're used to. But if the manifold is curved, the gridlines might not look straight to you--for example, "straight" grid lines on a 2-sphere, like the surface of the Earth, are great circles (like the equator, or meridians of longitude, on the Earth). The technical term for these "straight" lines is "geodesics", and we say that the gridlines we draw in any manifold must be geodesics. This requirement is why we have to use freely falling objects to draw the gridlines in the time direction: only the motion of those objects is "straight" in the sense of being geodesic.
Once we have geodesic grid lines, the definition of curvature is easy. Take any pair of nearby geodesics that are parallel at some point. If they don't stay parallel as you move along them, then the manifold is curved. For example, take two nearby meridians of longitude on the Earth. At the equator, they are parallel; but as you move along them towards one of the poles, they don't stay parallel--they converge. This tells you that the surface of the Earth is curved.
The spacetime version of this uses two nearby "gridlines" in the time direction--i.e., the motion of two nearby freely falling objects. "Parallel" in this case just means the objects are at rest relative to each other at some instant. If they don't stay at rest relative to each other, then spacetime is curved. For example, take two nearby objects that, at some instant, are both at rest in free space above the surface of the Earth (we'll suppose someone tossed them upward very precisely so they both came to rest at the same instant at slightly different altitudes). At the instant they're both at rest, the "gridlines" marked out by their motion are parallel. But they don't stay parallel: the object that is closer to Earth will start falling slightly faster, so the distance between the objects will increase--the "gridlines" marked out by their motion diverge. This tells us that spacetime is curved. The shorthand way of referring to this phenomenon is "tidal gravity", and we can then say that the presence of tidal gravity is what tells us that spacetime is curved.
cons013 said:
how do we know gravity isn't a force but some spacetime thing
Two reasons. First, objects moving solely under the influence of gravity are freely falling--note that two of the examples I gave above of freely falling objects (the ISS and the Earth) are in orbit around other objects, under the influence of gravity. So objects moving solely under gravity feel no force, and in GR, that means there is no force--a force in GR has to be felt.
Second, the trajectories that different objects follow under gravity are independent of the objects' mass, and indeed of any particular features of the objects (internal structure, etc.). The trajectories depend only on the initial conditions: where the object starts and how fast it starts moving. For example, during the Apollo 15 mission, astronaut Dave Scott dropped a feather and a hammer on the Moon, both from the same height, and they both hit the surface at the same time. No other force has this property, and it makes us think that gravity must be something different from an ordinary force--in fact, that it must be due to some property of spacetime itself.
I hope this wasn't too long, but your questions are good questions and I felt they deserved a fairly detailed answer.