Why Do Women Fall for Bad Boys Despite Knowing Better?

[qspeechc]

I understand why women like tall, muscular, wealthy men, but why do (most) women like bad boys? Countless times we hear women saying they know a certain type of man is bad for them but they keep falling for them, why is this? "Nice guys finish last" is a cliche because it's largely true.
There was a study, which I cannot find, which showed that women will date the bad boy then marry the quiet, nice nerd, but then still go out and have an affair with some tall muscular man.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself because I'm not a bad boy, btw, I'm ok with who I am.

 

[Evo]

This is such a misconception about women. Only women with low self esteem look for emotionally abusive men. I know of that "study", it was debunked, it was a poll taken of 100 18-21 year old female college students.

 

[zomgwtf]

It's not so much 'bad boys' but girls IMO tend to like guys that are extremely confident. Confident guys tend to carry around that 'bad boy' look.

 

[Evo]

It's not so much 'bad boys' but girls IMO tend to like guys that are extremely confident. Confident guys tend to carry around that 'bad boy' look.

I would agree that most women would prefer a confident man, someone with a backbone, someone that can make decisions and take action. But confidence, not arrogance, some people don't know the difference.

 

[Vanadium 50]

Only women with self esteem look for emotionally abusive men.

I think the word "low" is missing somewhere.

 

[Evo]

I think the word "low" is missing somewhere.

Ok, I was swallowing some tea, I really do need to put a tarp over my keyboard.

Fixed.

 

[Borek]

I would agree that most women would prefer a confident man, someone with a backbone, someone that can make decisions and take action. But confidence, not arrogance, some people don't know the difference.

More details:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0805088342/?tag=pfamazon01-20

I will be wiser in a few weeks, I plan to read the book.

 

[Evo]

More details:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0805088342/?tag=pfamazon01-20

I will be wiser in a few weeks, I plan to read the book.

If all women thought alike, a book would indeed be helpful.

How about "all women use sex to trap a husband, once they're married they lose interest". This one is actually true.

 

[Dembadon]

I would agree that most women would prefer a confident man, someone with a backbone, someone that can make decisions and take action. But confidence, not arrogance, some people don't know the difference.

Evo's post is very similar to my wife's response to this question.

Summarizing a recent conversation with my wife about this very issue:

She said that it's comforting to know that if a situation were to arise where we were in danger, that I could be trusted to do everything in my power to ensure the safety of not just myself, but her as well, and that she would not be alone in fighting for a solution.

The "bad boy" image can be displayed in ways that don't break laws, such as stepping in and telling her father that I will not stand for him talking to her in the way he does, which is something I had to do during the last family get-together. He was being incredibly disrespectful and very rude, and I had heard enough. I'm one of the very few who will stand up to him; a 300 pound, successful, defense lawyer. He is loud, intimidating, and very aggressive in all facets of communication, and doesn't care about people's personal boundaries. I'm simply not intimidated by his intellect or physical size, nor do I care what he thinks of me; however, I always do my best to communicate with respect. She says it is for this very reason that he has a great deal of respect for me.

To often we think of a "bad boy" as someone with a criminal record, scars from knife/gun fights, a foul mouth, rebellious attitude, and a bunch of tattoos. While these things can communicate a degree of safety and protection, they do so at such an extreme, that it is likely to be too extreme, and often backfires, which can result in unhealthy relationships and behavior that jeopardizes anyone involved with them.

A person doesn't need to have a partner who is dangerous and rebellious in order to feel secure; it is quite possible, and highly advisable, to find someone who will fulfill this desire in a mature, wise, and selfless manner.

 

[Borek]

If all women thought alike, a book would indeed be helpful.

How about "all women use sex to trap a husband, once they're married they lose interest". This one is actually true.

I have already browsed, from what I have seen this particular case is described as well. I am not sure if there are any statistical data given, but variability of the reasons listed seems to be overwhelming.

And fact that confident men are seen as more attractive is there also.

 

[arildno]

But confidence, not arrogance, some people don't know the difference.

Since, presumably, "people" includes "women", some women don't know the difference between arrogance and confidence, either.

And thus, they DO fall for the genuinely "bad" boys...

 

[lisab]

Since, presumably, "people" includes "women", some women don't know the difference between arrogance and confidence, either.

And thus, they DO fall for the genuinely "bad" boys...

True.

Like others here, I think it's not "bad" vs "good", but alpha vs. beta males. Women prefer alphas.

 

[Evo]

Since, presumably, "people" includes "women", some women don't know the difference between arrogance and confidence, either.

And thus, they DO fall for the genuinely "bad" boys...

And some women allow themselves to get into abusive relationships because they don't have enough self esteem to get out at the first sign. I always told my girls that NO ONE has the right to touch you in any way you do not like and the same thing goes for how they talk to you or show respect for you.

Unfortunately a lot of girls do not have positive role models, or were raised in an abusive home and think that's all they deserve, some are just braindead bimbos.

I still believe that the majority of women, based on my personal experience, have brains and self esteem.

 

[jackmell]

I understand why women like tall, muscular, wealthy men, but why do (most) women like bad boys?

. . . she purposely pursues him and wins for her prize, his dominant genes for her offspring . . .

 

[Evo]

. . . she purposely pursues him and wins for her prize, his dominant genes for her offspring . . .

You're suggesting women want their children to be morons?

 

[jackmell]

You're suggesting women want their children to be morons?

. . . not gonna' win a biology fight with me Ms. Evo. Wait . . . that's arrogance isn't it? Dang it! Hate when that happens. Where was I? . . . oh yeah, my answer is no. I'm simply suggesting women want healthy babies with fit, successful, healthy genes or at least they should want them to improve the chance of their children surviving. I never implied that was the bad-boy however and if she is perceived as desiring him, then perhaps some of his qualities might meet her requirements in that pursuit.

 

[Evo]

. . . not gonna' win a biology fight with me Ms. Evo. Wait . . . that's arrogance isn't it? Dang it! Hate when that happens. Where was I? . . . oh yeah, my answer is no. I'm simply suggesting women want healthy babies with fit, successful, healthy genes or at least they should want them to improve the chance of their children surviving. I never implied that was the bad-boy however and if she is perceived as desiring him, then perhaps some of his qualities might meet her requirements in that pursuit.

The question you responded to was

but why do (most) women like bad boys?

Someone has to breed the lower end of the spectrum, I guess.

 

[jackmell]

The question you responded to was

Someone has to breed the lower end of the spectrum, I guess.

Not sure what you mean by that and I am playing about the "winning" thing just so I could use the "arrogance" thing. I do kinda' play some in here and hope it's not taken too serious.

 

[rootX]

I am bad but not very popular among girls


I think being a drug addict, lack of responsibility, arrogance, or involved in violence does not necessarily make one bad. There are far too many other things like emotionally inapproachable, too independent, less attached etc that can make one bad.

I think bringing humor to any kind of situation and emotionally relating to others are very good qualities, and girls do love these kind of guys.

Edit: added necessarily.

 

[Evo]

I think being a drug addict, lack of responsibility, arrogance, or involved in violence does not make one bad. There are far too many other things like emotionally inapproachable, too independent, less attached etc that can make one bad.

I think you got that backwards.

 

[Astronuc]

I think there is a missing word or two or few.

I think it meant to be more along the lines of "I think being a drug addict, lack of responsibility, arrogance, or involved in violence aren't the only ways that make one bad. There are far too many . . . . "

'Necessarily' isn't the missing word.

 

[rootX]

I think you got that backwards.

*fixed.

I would argue that being arrogant or involved in harmful activities isn't much related to the capability of getting into a successful relationship.

 

[Astronuc]

*fixed.

I would argue that being arrogant or involved in harmful activities isn't much related to the capability of getting into a successful relationship.

Umm - what?! I think it depends on what one means by 'successful'. I could see that one could successfully get into a relationship, but I suspect such a relationship would be short term. Then again, there have been long term dysfunctional (codependent) relationships that are ulimately destructive to the participants.

Being arrogant or involved in harmful activities are indications of a personality disorder or dysfunctional mind. 'Being involved in harmful activities' would seem to imply either a self-destructive tendency, or injurious to others, and that doesn't make for a successful relationship for well-adjusted people.

 

[Evo]

I think there is a missing word or two or few.

I think it meant to be more along the lines of "I think being a drug addict, lack of responsibility, arrogance, or involved in violence aren't the only ways that make one bad. There are far too many . . . . "

'Necessarily' isn't the missing word.

Yeah, it's still wrong.

 

[DanP]

There was a study, which I cannot find, which showed that women will date the bad boy then marry the quiet, nice nerd, but then still go out and have an affair with some tall muscular man.

Can you blame them ?

 

[Phrak]

I think you're all off subject. "Bad boy" is does not mean abusive but lawless. A man that is lawless and perceived as successful at it has desirable survive-and-thrive characteristics for your offspring. Marry the nerd for his gold, chuckold him with the survivalist for your offspring. And whatever you do, don't marry the lawless man; he's got nothing for you. You need the nerd for that. Any objections to this strategy ladies?

It's your turn, Evo.

 

[radou]

Regarding women who like bad boys, one could argue that they do so because they think they can change them. But they can't.

 

[jackmell]

I think you're all off subject. "Bad boy" is does not mean abusive but lawless. A man that is lawless and perceived as successful at it has desirable survive-and-thrive characteristics for your offspring. Marry the nerd for his gold, chuckold him with the survivalist for your offspring. And whatever you do, don't marry the lawless man; he's got nothing for you. You need the nerd for that. Any objections to this strategy ladies?

. . . wait, Bookmarks . . . Google . . . chuckold . . . oh, great, you mean cheat on him? While I do approve of the raw Darwinian undercurrent you imply, I have a problem with the cheating. Does a broken marriage contribute to the survival and reproductive success of the offspring in a modern human culture? I'd have to say in some ways at least it is deleterious to their success although the traits contributed by the bad-boy may in some cases offset this what I believe to be a harmful effect.

 

[DanP]

While I do approve of the raw Darwinian undercurrent you imply, I have a problem with the cheating. Does a broken marriage contribute to the survival and reproductive success of the offspring in a modern human culture? I'd have to say in some ways at least it is deleterious to their success although the traits contributed by the bad-boy may in some cases offset this what I believe to be a harmful effect.

When this happens, the marriage doesn't get broken :P The cheated man simply raises the offspring like his own, completely oblivious to the truth. He was played , and many won't ever realize it. They'll love their wife, they will love the kid and push resources in him like in its own and die happy. And no, it doesn't happen so seldom that is negligible.

The strategy is good, you get a set of genes from one man and resource support from another. Not without risk, since uncovering the truth will cut the women from the resources for which she stays in the marriage. But the risk is sometimes worth it. I've heard estimates
that about 3.8% of the man raise another man's offspring.

Cheating is easier to get away with than most ppl seem to believe. It's very easy to cheat and never be caught, both for a man and a women.

 

[GeorginaS]

Regarding women who like bad boys, one could argue that they do so because they think they can change them. But they can't.

Okay, think about that for just two seconds, radou. When you like something, it's because it is what it is the way it is, yes? For instance: you like chocolate cake because it is chocolate cake. You don't think to yourself, "Yeah I like this chocolate cake because, if I try really, really hard, I can make it into banana cream pie. Mmmhm. I like me some chocolate cake so I can have that pie."

*That's* pretty much your theory. Which, wrong. Sorry, but no. Women, and especially younger women, tend to like or enjoy "bad boys" because of the "lawless" quality someone else pointed out. Some young women can live out their rebellion streak vicariously through these guys who are "edgy" and flaunt authority. They tend to be, yeah, self-confident, and that's pretty darned attractive too. They push the boundaries of regular, vanilla, quiet social acceptability and conformity and, yeah, that can be appealing too to to go along on that ride with someone.

An attraction to "bad boys" does not equal a propensity for abuse. It's, a lot of the time, just an opportunity to explore one's own sense of wanting to explore the boundaries of society and finding someone to take you there. It's about rebellion.

And eventually, we all grow out of that, find the value in a certain amount of conformity that we can live with, and get on with our lives.

 

[raw]

Men like bitchy women for the same reason women love bad boys. It's the conquest, the game that's appealing. From my experience, I don't think all women like bad boys. I think it's just the confidence of bad boys that's appealing.

 

[wolram]

In my motorcycling days i could pick up girls quite easily, but lost them just as quick, i guess girls just do not like gravel rash.

 

[drizzle]

I think the OP is interested in bad women.

 

[Dembadon]

I think you're all off subject. "Bad boy" is does not mean abusive but lawless. A man that is lawless and perceived as successful at it has desirable survive-and-thrive characteristics for your offspring. ...

Did you read all of the posts? I don't think anyone is off-topic. Most, if not all, of the responses state (whether explicitly or implicitly) that there are multiple traits which contribute to the the bad-boy image, abusive being one of them, not the only one.

I would also say that if one is lawless, one is likely going to disregard other people's needs and boundaries, and that is a form of abuse. Abuse isn't just physical violence; it can be verbal, emotional, and intellectual*.

* Constantly making someone feel like an idiot and/or incompetent in an effort to artificially boost one's self-esteem. (usually coupled with verbal abuse)

 

[Mentallic]

Can you blame them ?

Yes? With that mentality I might as well go find a slut that shows off plenty of skin to have an affair with once my future wife starts to lose her looks.

 

[Dembadon]

Can you blame them ?

Blame them for what?

You can't blame them for being attracted to someone who is, well, attractive. However, you can blame them for acting upon that attraction by choosing to having an affair.

 

[Mentallic]

Blame them for what?

You can't blame them for being attracted to someone who is, well, attractive. However, you can blame them for acting upon that attraction by choosing to having an affair.

No no, he's trying to say can you blame her for having an affair on her nerdyhusband. They chose to settle down with a nice guy, but then have an affair with the hunky bad boy.

This isn't right. Yes I can blame them and I will blame them.

 

[Dembadon]

No no, he's trying to say can you blame her for having an affair on her nerdyhusband. They chose to settle down with a nice guy, but then have an affair with the hunky bad boy.

This isn't right. Yes I can blame them and I will blame them.

I agree, which is why I said:

However, you can blame them for acting upon that attraction by choosing to having an affair.

emphasis mine

 

[Mentallic]

I agree, which is why I said:



emphasis mine

Oh yes quite right

 

[nucleargirl]

mmm bad boys... lol! sounds a bit wrong? boys makes me think of children... but bad men sounds a bit... like crimminals...
I think maybe its the attitude that girls like? confident, don't care about what others say, does their own thing. yeah and tough, which means strong and protective... and in my mind bad boys are loyal and have a soft centre!

 

[nucleargirl]

yeah and exciting! -they're going to be doing things others aren't doing... it seems exciting to be with them? right? I've never actually been with a bad boy... but that's what I imagine.
yeah and its like they don't let others close to them easily (possibly attitude problems), so if you manage to be close to them then you feel quite special!

 

[wolram]

mmm bad boys... lol! sounds a bit wrong? boys makes me think of children... but bad men sounds a bit... like crimminals...
I think maybe its the attitude that girls like? confident, don't care about what others say, does their own thing. yeah and tough, which means strong and protective... and in my mind bad boys are loyal and have a soft centre!

Not true, in the olden days you couldn't crack my center with a diamond.

 

[radou]

Okay, think about that for just two seconds, radou. When you like something, it's because it is what it is the way it is, yes? For instance: you like chocolate cake because it is chocolate cake. You don't think to yourself, "Yeah I like this chocolate cake because, if I try really, really hard, I can make it into banana cream pie. Mmmhm. I like me some chocolate cake so I can have that pie."

*That's* pretty much your theory. Which, wrong. Sorry, but no. Women, and especially younger women, tend to like or enjoy "bad boys" because of the "lawless" quality someone else pointed out. Some young women can live out their rebellion streak vicariously through these guys who are "edgy" and flaunt authority. They tend to be, yeah, self-confident, and that's pretty darned attractive too. They push the boundaries of regular, vanilla, quiet social acceptability and conformity and, yeah, that can be appealing too to to go along on that ride with someone.

Well, I didn't make that up, because I know some girls which agree with that. To me, it makes sense. Everybody likes to be in control, including women. So when and if they gain control of a "bad boy", it could make them feel pretty good. To paraphrase it in a poetical manner - it's like taming a wild animal, probably.

An attraction to "bad boys" does not equal a propensity for abuse. It's, a lot of the time, just an opportunity to explore one's own sense of wanting to explore the boundaries of society and finding someone to take you there. It's about rebellion.

And eventually, we all grow out of that, find the value in a certain amount of conformity that we can live with, and get on with our lives.

Of course, but that's not the case which is interesting to discuss. :)

In general, all such "phenomena" arrises because people are behaving very stereotypical, and it's really mostly their fault. If this would be different, people could offer each other much more, and such problems regarding different needs (example in one of the posts above - a woman having an affair and a nerdy husband) would be less likely to arise.

 

[nucleargirl]

Not true, in the olden days you couldn't crack my center with a diamond.

yeah, that sucks about bad boys... some of them are really bad! inside as well! sucks!

 

[Enjoicube]

Can't have it both ways, eh? :P

 

[GeorginaS]

Okay, think about that for just two seconds, radou. When you like something, it's because it is what it is the way it is, yes? For instance: you like chocolate cake because it is chocolate cake. You don't think to yourself, "Yeah I like this chocolate cake because, if I try really, really hard, I can make it into banana cream pie. Mmmhm. I like me some chocolate cake so I can have that pie."

Well, I didn't make that up, because I know some girls which agree with that. To me, it makes sense. Everybody likes to be in control, including women. So when and if they gain control of a "bad boy", it could make them feel pretty good. To paraphrase it in a poetical manner - it's like taming a wild animal, probably.

Oh, okay then, "some girls" you've talked to absolutely represents the psychology you're discussing.

I shouldn't be sarcastic, should I? Because sarcasm tends to require tone-of-voice to detect it.

Let me try again. I question your sample size of "some", radou, to substantiate the conclusions you've reached as your understanding of a given psychology. You didn't mention what demographic you polled other than "girls", so I can't address that at all.

While I'm not saying your conclusions are wrong, radou, I'd simply suggest further research, reading, you know, get a farther reaching sampling of information on the topic.

 

[raw]

I'm a girl and I don't like bad boys.

 

[FrancisZ]

...To me, it makes sense. Everybody likes to be in control, including women.

Personally, I never really feel the NEED to be in control of anything. It doesn't matter to me.

I think it depends a lot on the unique personality dynamic between participants in a relationship; and I find that my own personality ADAPTS to the partnership as need (happily if that facilitates functionality and cooperation; and unhappily, if it is otherwise--in which case, after a while, I simply remove myself from the situation). And that goes for personal relationships, as much as it does work.

When I am working with a woman older than myself, I find that I am just naturally more submissive to them; it is part of my innate desire to be respectful (and it also makes me happy to please them). Even if they choose not to take the lead in anything we are doing, I make it a point of still not doing so myself; unless they expressly say that they would prefer I did. In that case, feeling quite validated, I am completely confident in the mutual trust we share; and accomplish my tasks, perhaps even more pleasantly than I would otherwise.

 

[Pengwuino]

Men like bitchy women for the same reason women love bad boys. It's the conquest, the game that's appealing. From my experience, I don't think all women like bad boys. I think it's just the confidence of bad boys that's appealing.

I don't see why people don't put much effort into thinking about this. It's the other side of the coin. I know plenty of girls who like guys that just don't treat them right. However, I know plenty of GUYS who are with GIRLS who don't treat them right. I know guys who are always complaining about their girls nagging or doing this and that and whatever and you wonder "... then why are you with them?".

Then again I think it might just be a societal thing where the guys feel obligated to complain about their gf/wives to their friends just as normal conversation and girls feel obligated to stick with a guy and try to make him change. I NEVER EVER EVER hear a guy who tries to change his wife/gf, but girls almost brag about how they've been able to change their bf/husband.

This stupid thing called "love". It's more destructive than the entire US military arsenal. It amazes me when a girl can complain for days on end and call the person they're with the worst things in the world yet will stay with them because they "love him". I've actually asked a girl why they were with a guy and they said they loved the guy but i asked "what do you love about him?" and they said "he's just a great guy!" after they had gone on for hours about how awful of a human being the person is. It's pathetic.

 

[radou]

I shouldn't be sarcastic, should I? Because sarcasm tends to require tone-of-voice to detect it.

In some cases it does, so better don't.

Let me try again. I question your sample size of "some", radou, to substantiate the conclusions you've reached as your understanding of a given psychology. You didn't mention what demographic you polled other than "girls", so I can't address that at all.

While I'm not saying your conclusions are wrong, radou, I'd simply suggest further research, reading, you know, get a farther reaching sampling of information on the topic.

That's a farily good point, but unfortunately, I don't have time for that. So even mentioning it was a tremendous mistake, since I didn't conduct enough research? :)

This stupid thing called "love". It's more destructive than the entire US military arsenal. It amazes me when a girl can complain for days on end and call the person they're with the worst things in the world yet will stay with them because they "love him". I've actually asked a girl why they were with a guy and they said they loved the guy but i asked "what do you love about him?" and they said "he's just a great guy!" after they had gone on for hours about how awful of a human being the person is. It's pathetic.

It could be that this behavioral pattern applies to less intelligent people, since they lack more serious and fulfilling content in their life, and worry about stupid things most of the time.