Collection of Lame Jokes

[Orodruin]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 304829

Related: this, from way earlier in the thread.

 

[Orodruin]

Related: this, from way earlier in the thread.

One of my professors told a much longer version of that one in class …

 

[Ibix]

One of my professors told a much longer version of that one in class …

I heard a longer version from my dad a long time ago, too. According to Wikipedia the first log table was compiled by Briggs in 1617, and I suspect this joke dates to about fifteen minutes after that...

 

[Orodruin]

I heard a longer version from my dad a long time ago, too. According to Wikipedia the first log table was compiled by Briggs in 1617, and I suspect this joke dates to about fifteen minutes after that...

My professor’s version just included logs. A long winded story with Noah repeatedly returning to see how the animals were doing - no baby snakes. He asks the snakes if he can help them and they tell him he can cut down a couple of trees at the edge of the forest. Noah doesn’t want to pry into the personal affairs of snakes so he just does what they say and returns a week later. Sure enough, lots of baby snakes. Now Noah’s curiosity gets the better of him so he asks why the snakes needed him to cut down the trees, receiving the answer:
- You know, we are adders, we need logs to multiply.

 

[Orodruin]

Speaking of insects:

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Ibix]

A long winded story with Noah repeatedly returning to see how the animals were doing - no baby snakes. He asks the snakes if he can help them

That sounds like my dad's version, and it can be spun out indefinitely by describing Noah chatting with the animals. But in this version the snakes complain about a lack of privacy for... you know, and nowhere to raise the little ones. So Noah chops down a tree and builds them a small cabin and some furniture, and when he comes back the next time he's knee-deep in baby snakes because adders can multiply if they have log tables.

 

[phinds]

I actually had to stop and think about this one

 

[Ibix]

My school magazine once had a list of excuses for not handing in your homework, allegedly tested on various teachers known to have a sense of humour. The only one that they claimed had worked was "I'd just finished my homework when terrorists burst into the house and demanded I hand over my homework or my sister. Naturally I gave them the little brat, but while I was distracted the dog ate my homework."

 

[OCR]

I actually had to stop and think about this one

Lol. . .

I got it right away.

.

 

[pinball1970]

I actually had to stop and think about this one
View attachment 304843

I got there in the end

 

[berkeman]

I actually had to stop and think about this one

Well, since phinds is, well, a dog, and he often sends the Mentors reports about misplaced homework threads (including Mentor fresh_42), my mind went somewhere else at first.

But I got there in the end too.

 

[fresh_42]

Well, since phinds is, well, a dog, and he often sends the Mentors reports about misplaced homework threads (including Mentor fresh_42), my mind went somewhere else at first.

But I got there in the end too.

Ît is far more likely that my goat eats homework than any dog!

 

[WWGD]

 

[Orodruin]

Yes, why? What could possibly go wrong?

 

[DennisN]

Early joy killing:

 

[fresh_42]

Early joy killing:

View attachment 305059

McCoy: The bureaucratic mentality is the only constant in the universe. [ST-IV, The Voyage Home]

 

[BillTre]

 

[Bystander]

View attachment 305062

Huh?

 

[berkeman]

Huh?

Hillbilly gate latch and lock...

 

[BillTre]

Huh?

Alternative locking system.

 

[fresh_42]

Alternative locking system.

But why is it funny? It makes perfect sense to me.

 

[fresh_42]

My grandma always said: "You can be stupid, you just have to know how to help yourself."

 

[berkeman]

But why is it funny? It makes perfect sense to me.

That's because your analytical mind goes straight to the topological considerations of the geometry...

 

[fresh_42]

That's because your analytical mind goes straight to the topological considerations of the geometry...

And my second thought was that the shadows might harbor a joke, but I couldn't find one either.

 

[Bystander]

"Next."

 

[berkeman]

"Next."

Okie dokie...

https://www.demilked.com/funny-redneck-engineering/

 

[fresh_42]

They tried everything, but there was no alternative to Huskeys:

 

[Bystander]

Okie dokie...

View attachment 305064
https://www.demilked.com/funny-redneck-engineering/

They tried everything, but there was no alternative to Huskeys:

View attachment 305065

"Snakes don't really die until sunset, but c'mon, guys, the HORSE stopped twitching three posts back..."

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 305062

When the only tool you have is a hammer, all problems look like a nail. But when the only tool you have is a spanner it appears there's a bit of wiggle room in problem solving...

 

[Ibix]

But why is it funny? It makes perfect sense to me.

At risk of further flogging that dead horse, I actually spent a few minutes thinking about the answer to this. I have read (I think in The Naked Jape by Jimmy Carr and Lucy Greeves) that most humour seems to work on a "two stories" model. So even a groaner like "what do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it, man!" has two stories - one about meeting an alien and one about parking a car - and the humour comes from being forced to re-evaluate which story you're looking at.

The stories in that picture are "what on Earth are they doing with that spanner?!" and "ingenious solution to a problem with (presumably) limited resources". If you miss out either of those reactions it isn't funny. I saw the spanner and the padlock, but it took me a second or two to mentally shove the spanner left and right and work out that it does work, and the chuckle came then.

Jimmy Carr also commented that he'd heard analysing jokes as being like dissecting a frog: nobody's that interested and the frog dies. So I'll shut up now.

 

[phinds]

 

[WWGD]