Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

A Texas farmer went on vacation to Australia. He met up with an Australian farmer who proudly showed off his wheat field.
"That's nothing," said the Texan. "Back home, we have wheat fields that are twice as large as this."

Next the Australian pointed out his cattle.
"They're nothing," said the Texan. "Back home, we have longhorns that are twice as big as your cows."

Just then, half a dozen kangaroos

bounded across the road.
"What are those?" asked the Texan.
The Australian replied, "Don't you have grasshoppers

in Texas?"

 

[nsaspook]

Legal tip: if you're filing a lawsuit, don't let your lawyers watermark their PDFs with purple dragons in suits.

"I don't know what the big deal is. Lady Justice also has scales."

 

[Klystron]

I do not pray often, but when I do, I pray to Zeus. No lines. No waiting. He is just glad to get the work.

Yeah, but then you go "Hey, Zeus!" and end up talking to that Other Guy.

 

[WWGD]

I have read the following phrase about foxes these days:

A fox is cat software running on dog hardware.

It was mentioned in...Fox news.

 

[WWGD]

I have read the following phrase about foxes these days:

A fox is cat software running on dog hardware.

It was mentioned in...Fox News.

 

[fresh_42]

It was mentioned in...Fox news.

I would like to point out that this is not one of my sources. Never ever. I have seen what it does to people! (family)

 

[WWGD]

I would like to point out that this is not one of my sources. Never ever.

\Whoosh news seems to be one such source. https://www.howtogeek.com/783229/what-does-whoosh-mean-on-the-internet/

 

[berkeman]

(Friendly Admin Reminder...) Ixnay on the oliticspay...

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 360621

Could have fooled the guy singing in the corner ;).

 

[fresh_42]

I don't want to say I'm in a bad mood, but someone just asked my dog if I bite.

 

[DaveC426913]

Caveat: anecdote; not a joke.

At Dim Sum today, for our 33rd Anniversary.

Me: "Ooh! Deep-fried octopus - yum! Ah shoot! I really should uphold my resolution to stop eating octopus, now that resarch is showing them to have some degree of intelligence."

My wife (soto voce): "It's OK. You're only eating the stupid ones."

(Yep She's a keeper.)

 

[berkeman]

My wife (soto voce): "It's OK. You're only eating the stupid ones."

So on the octopus forums, they have their equivalent of this meme...?

https://www.trainerize.me/articles/outrun-bear/

 

[WWGD]

Octopi? Or $8 \pi$?

 

[berkeman]

Octopi? Or $8 \pi$?

They hate it when you use that old joke. Just saying that you may want to stay out of the water for the next couple of days...

 

[WWGD]

The entry on China in the almanac was a red flag.

 

[WWGD]

They hate it when you use that old joke. Just saying that you may want to stay out of the water for the next couple of days...

I recycle*. Shouldn't we all?
*Jokes.

 

[dwarde]

 

[Ibix]

They hate it when you use that old joke. Just saying that you may want to stay out of the water for the next couple of days...

Did you know that octopuses make a lot of money from playing poker? Seems they always play with suckers.

 

[jack action]

They hate it when you use that old joke. Just saying that you may want to stay out of the water for the next couple of days...

Did you know that octopuses make a lot of money from playing poker? Seems they always play with suckers.

These jokes are so lame that they are not even worth the ink they were written with.

 

[Ibix]

These jokes are so lame that they are not even worth the ink they were written with.

How much does an octopus have to pay to go to the doctor?

Sick squid.

 

[WWGD]

How much does an octopus have to pay to go to the doctor?

Sick squid.

If they went to the doctor they must be six sick squids.

 

[WWGD]

Just like the six sick Sikhs at the Kashmir hospital.

 

[phinds]

 

[WWGD]

The French had De Gaul to fight for their country.

 

[BillTre]

 

[jtbell]

Octopi? Or $8 \pi$?

Octopussy?

 

[berkeman]

 

[jtbell]

 

[jtbell]

Just like the six sick Sikhs at the Kashmir hospital.

"The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick."

Say that six times quickly.

 

[davenn]

 

[DaveC426913]

"The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick."

Say that six times quickly.

I'm not the pheasant plucker I'm the pheasant plucker's son
And I'm only plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes.

 

[phinds]

I'm not the pheasant plucker I'm the pheasant plucker's son
And I'm only plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes.

MUCH easier

 

[WWGD]

At the British Parliament, an MP:
" Half the people in this room are idiots".
Loud booing follows.
"Ok: Half the people in this room _are not_ idiots".

 

[mjc123]

Politician, about his opponents: "Half the lies they tell about us aren't true."

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 360756​

"I don't sleep with married men."
"But I'm your husband!"
"No exceptions."

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 360777

I bet it also works if you're out skiing and get buried in an avalanche!

 

[nsaspook]

Q: What did communists use to light their homes before candles?

A: Electricity.

 

[WWGD]

Found someone named Jody Maggio to help me win bets about Joe DiMaggio still being alive.

 

[jtbell]

I guess now I'm officially old.

I'm older than the Pope.

 

[dextercioby]

Speaking of...

 

[Swamp Thing]

(Jaime) Cardinal Sin was the Archbishop of Manila from 1974 to 2003. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jaime_Sin

His title and surname as "cardinal sin" (another term for a deadly sin) were a point of humour in the Philippines and for Filipino Catholics. Examples included "The greatest sin of all: Cardinal Sin," and even his own pun of "Welcome to the house of Sin" that he used to greet guests at Villa San Miguel, the secondary archiepiscopal palace in Mandaluyong.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Borg]

If I go to a restaurant and give them a compliment, will they think that I'm patronizing them?

 

[WWGD]

Winning the lottery is highly unlikely. Running into my Ethiopian friend is Highly Selassie.

 

[WWGD]

If I go to a restaurant and give them a compliment, will they think that I'm patronizing them?

I remember when I was around 8, seeing a sign on a store "Thank you for Patronizing us", And almost instantaneously seeing a woman yell at her (boyfriend?) "Stop Patronizing me". It took me a few years to rid myself of the confusion around the term.