Collection of Science Jokes P2

[Greg Bernhardt]

Old thread: https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/science-jokes.4463/page-44

My wife just drew this

 

[dkotschessaa]

Found in Colin Adam's "The Knot Book," but found and copied/pasted from mathoverflow. (I added hyperlinks for the concepts needed to get the joke).

A mathematician walks into a bar accompanied by a dog and a cow.
The bartender says, “Hey, no animals are allowed in here!”
The mathematician replies, “These are very special animals.”
“How so?”
“They’re knot theorists.”
The bartender raises his eyebrows and says, “I’ve met a number of knot theorists who I thought were animals, but never an animal that was a knot theorist.”
“Well, I’ll prove it to you. Ask them them anything you like.”
So the bartender asks the dog, “Name a knot invariant.”
“Arf! Arf!” barks the dog.
The bartender scowls and turns to the cow asking, “Name a topological invariant.”
“Mu! Mu!” says the cow.
At this point the bartender turns to the mathematican and says, “Very funny.” With that, he throws the three out of the bar.
Outside, sitting on the curb, the dog turns to the mathematican and asks, “Do you think I should have said the Jones polynomial instead?”

 

[Thewindyfan]

Did you hear this new craze of physicists posting videos of themselves calculating forces and radii and multiplying them together?
I think they call it... torqueing?-okayi'llbegoingnow-

 

[Borg]

XKCD's Christmas gift.

 

[Fenris]

I heard this from a friend before, and I thought it was pretty funny.
Q: Why was Heisenberg such a bad lover?
A: When he got the momentum, he couldn't find the position, and when he found the position, he couldn't muster up the momentum.

 

[DennisN]

http://41.media.tumblr.com/cab31a6bd9c9ca7389c1ef327c88944d/tumblr_n8scqwh7gU1to8om8o1_500.jpg

 

[fresh_42]

The shortest math joke: Be $ε < 0$.

 

[DennisN]

What is the engineer's favorite area in a church?

Spoiler

The cross section.

 

[fresh_42]

Found in Colin Adam's "The Knot Book," but found and copied/pasted from mathoverflow. (I added hyperlinks for the concepts needed to get the joke).

A mathematician walks into a bar accompanied by a dog and a cow...

The dog is absolutely right. Even me, never really connected to knot theory, have heard about the Jones polynomial.

 

[Jonathan Scott]

The shortest math joke: Be $ε < 0$.

Can you explain? I don't get it.

 

[fresh_42]

Can you explain? I don't get it.

It's about conventions. As $n$ is an integer, $z$ a complex number, $p$ a prime, $i,j,k$ indices or $A_{ji}$ a transposed matrix so is $ε$ in calculus the byword of something arbitrary small, but positive. Uncounted definitions and proofs about convergence, differentiation or continuity start with an $ε > 0$.

 

[Jonathan Scott]

It's about conventions. As $n$ is an integer, $z$ a complex number, $p$ a prime, $i,j,k$ indices or $A_{ji}$ a transposed matrix so is $ε$ in calculus the byword of something arbitrary small, but positive. Uncounted definitions and proofs about convergence, differentiation or continuity start with an $ε > 0$.

OK, I know all that but it still doesn't make sense to me when preceded by the word "Be".
Perhaps it's a language problem; I might expect a proof to start with: "Let $ε > 0$" in which case "Let $ε < 0$" might be considered a joke.

 

[fresh_42]

OK, I know all that but it still doesn't make sense to me when preceded by the word "Be".
Perhaps it's a language problem; I might expect a proof to start with: "Let $ε > 0$" in which case "Let $ε < 0$" might be considered a joke.

Yeah, probably, sorry! I had 'let' first and wasn't sure for it sounds a little like 'let it be'. In German it's 'be' (conditional).

 

[Jonathan Scott]

Yeah, probably, sorry! I had 'let' first and wasn't sure for it sounds a little like 'let it be'. In German it's 'be' (conditional).

OK, that makes sense now, and Google finds that "Let epsilon be less than zero" or similar seems to be quite an old joke, probably predating Google (in that the oldest reference I could find appears to be from 1994).

 

[fresh_42]

There is another joke which became viral in the 90's with the internet getting more and more popular.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."
Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."
Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

Usually it's been commentated as being 'real'. Actually the joke dates back to the 30's and whether it's real or not cannot be said anymore. Someone once replied to an anecdote I told him: "I doubt it's true. However, the point is: It could be true."

 

[Silicon Waffle]

Now I realize why shortest jokes are always straight and it's true that nature can't produce or grow things that can stand too tall or stay too long without they being curved towards some direction.

 

[samalkhaiat]

The student: I believe the brain requires quantum mechanical treatment. What do you think?
The professor: Certainly your brain does.

 

[DennisN]

 

[gjonesy]

High school science teacher ask a question: Students! What is an "elementary Particle?"

The smartest kid in class answers (fundamental subatomic particles),
Immediately the Jock in the back corner of the class room laughs hysterically, the teacher asked what's so funny, The Jock replies, elementary particles are stupid, they haven't made it to junior high yet!

 

[DennisN]

 

[DennisN]

 

[gjonesy]

Age and IQ TEST

 

[DennisN]

http://qph.is.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-ad91d0dfe2be80b04f94f027b1f10e28?convert_to_webp=true

 

[1oldman2]

Okay "I got one". Heisenberg gets pulled over for speeding and the officer asks, do you know how fast you were going? no replies Heisenberg but I knew exactly where I was.

 

[fresh_42]

I just discovered a brand new scientific method. Only available in the US.

 

[dkotschessaa]

I just discovered a brand new scientific method. Only available in the US.

I have never heard of that particular group of scientists. I find their views interesting and I am very curious what methodologies they used to reach such a conclusion

 

[fresh_42]

I have never heard of that particular group of scientists. I find their views interesting and I am very curious what methodologies they used to reach such a conclusion

I don't know details but a famous group of scientist once used this method to prove the geocentric model of our universe. I think they called themselves catholic church. They also have had a similar powerful PR department.

 

[dkotschessaa]

I don't know details but a famous group of scientist once used this method to prove the geocentric model of our universe. I think they called themselves catholic church. They also have had a similar powerful PR department.

Fascinating!

 

[DennisN]

 

[fresh_42]

You cannot know. There is no device installed to use some of that infinite power!

 

[Garlic]

I found this: when a woman and a man make love, the woman gets excited. She is now metastable and decays to her normal state through "baby emission" with a mean lifetime of roughly nine months.

 

[Sophia]

If McDonald’s Advertised Like Apple

 

[fresh_42]

If Microsoft built cars:

http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/pnw/microsoftjoke.htm

 

[fresh_42]

Why don't you find topologists in a nuthouse?

Spoiler

They always escape the straightjacket.

 

[DrClaude]

http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?id=4033