Dealing with a Cheating Partner - Get Advice from PFers

[humanino]

Dear PFers,

Yet another public display of personal problems...

I have a pretty dull poll to issue today, but as you will guess, advices will be greatly appreciated in my situation.

Say you are quite in love with your girlfiend, but not living in the same area. Say you happen to notice something wrong, and when prompted she has the honesty to admit that she cheated on you, exactly when you thought it happened. Imagine she says that it was quite stupid for her to do that, that it has been torturing her, that she is sorry and just really wants things to work out still now. What would you do ?

Just let go on the stupid mistake, it has nothing to do with a real, true and deep love, the kind you thought would never happen anymore ? But then, will this not bring more problems later ? I am not just saying "cheating once, will cheat again". I am saying that it would take a lot of efforts for me just to forgive and let go, come back to her just as if nothing had happened, considering that that will definitely affect our relationship. Will this affect our relationship like in "after going through that, the two of you will be even stronger" or will it affect the representation that she has of me ? If it changes her representation of me, will it be in a positive or negative manner ?

Comments, as I said, are greatly appreciated.

 

[Cyrus]

once a cheater always a cheater, toss her to the garbage.

 

[dontdisturbmycircles]

I feel bad for anyone who is put in this position.

In my oppinion the important thing is not that the person may cheat again, but they have demonstrated that they are capable of such immorality and lack of caring for the person they 'love', even if it was just for a short period of time.


Like a 'good friend' who screws me over... cheaters don't get another chance with me.

I hope this was not too harsh...

 

[JasonRox]

I'd say bye bye.

 

[humanino]

I hope this was not too harsh...

No, frankly that is my feeling too.
I would just like to have opinions on how unkikely it is to forget such a thing.

Thanks you guys, answers appreciated.

 

[Danger]

The answer to this is entirely up to you, but you seem to have already made up your mind in the same line as the other responses.
I'm of a more liberal mind, which surprises me since I'm probably the oldest person responding. Remember that part of love is forgiveness. Unless you know the exact circumstances and what was going through her mind, you have no way of determining the motivation.
Then again, I've always been in an 'open' circle of friends. I still have a lot of those friends, but the relationships have changed due to W. She damned near left me for just kissing another woman. Needless to say, that put a stop to the hot-tub party that she and her husband were going to invite us to.

 

[Crosson]

The main thing is to ask yourself 'why did this happen?'. Then you can decide based on whether you think the same factors could re-occur.

 

[light_bulb]

when you make a commitment and someone cheats, well you can never really believe in anything they do again, it's worse when they lie about it. i say break it off, without trust their is nothing.

 

[radou]

I went for option 3. Option 4 is a very tickly one, since it's totally relative and depends on the person. And btw, what exactly do you consider cheating? If it's just kissing someone else, then I'd totally go for 4. If it's sex, then I'd reconsider, although sexual attraction is something completely normal, and if you two aren't deeply in love and involved for a few years, and perhaps getting ready for marriage, then I wouldn't take it quite serious, although I know it's pretty much easier to look at the problem "from the other side of the pavement", since I'm not really sure how exactly I'd react in this situation.

It all depends. And perhaps you should think if there's a reason why she cheated on you. Perhaps it may be that you weren't able to offer her something in a specific moment (and no, I don't necessarily refer to sex). Perhaps she was just taken away by another romance.

But the key is that she admited cheating on you - and that's a sign that she cares. Or perhaps she doesn't, and simply needs an efficient way to end the relationship. I don't know. Too little input data.

Anyways, good luck.

Edit: and what exactly does "not living in the same area" mean?

 

[matthyaouw]

I had an absolutely identical situation with my girlfriend last August. We worked through it, I forgave her and we have never been happier. Its not a lost cause.

Edit: Like Radou says- was this just kissing, or sex? That might change my mind. A few moments lapse of judgment is one thing, but a whole night is pushing it a bit...

 

[big man]

Kissing I would say that there is a chance to work through for sure. Like Matthyaouw said that can be put down to a momentary lapse in judgement, but if she cheated on you by having sex with another guy then I don't see how you can work through it.

That means that she didn't really give two ****s about your relationship and even if you did 'forgive' her then I'm pretty sure you're no longer going to have that same level of trust as you did before.

 

[J77]

You should at least make her feel terrible for a few months.

 

[Evo]

Dear PFers,

Yet another public display of personal problems...

I have a pretty dull poll to issue today, but as you will guess, advices will be greatly appreciated in my situation.

Say you are quite in love with your girlfiend, but not living in the same area. Say you happen to notice something wrong, and when prompted she has the honesty to admit that she cheated on you, exactly when you thought it happened. Imagine she says that it was quite stupid for her to do that, that it has been torturing her, that she is sorry and just really wants things to work out still now. What would you do ?

Just let go on the stupid mistake, it has nothing to do with a real, true and deep love, the kind you thought would never happen anymore ? But then, will this not bring more problems later ? I am not just saying "cheating once, will cheat again". I am saying that it would take a lot of efforts for me just to forgive and let go, come back to her just as if nothing had happened, considering that that will definitely affect our relationship. Will this affect our relationship like in "after going through that, the two of you will be even stronger" or will it affect the representation that she has of me ? If it changes her representation of me, will it be in a positive or negative manner ?

Comments, as I said, are greatly appreciated.

I am so sorry to hear this humanino, but like a wise person once told me "when a person cheats on you it is never an "accident'.

You are too good to be treated this way. DUMP HER! I'd write more, but I am too angry.

You will soon find a girl that has a good heart and would never consider cheating on you. THAT is the one you hold onto.

 

[humanino]

you seem to have already made up your mind in the same line as the other responses.

I have absolutely not.

Of course I have the same feeling as was the others at first, and it feels good to read it actually.

Remember that part of love is forgiveness

But forgive what ? Forgive the fact that she had sex with another guy. Sure. I am honnest enough with myself to know that I do have physical attraction from times to times. Forgive the fact that she lied to me ? That is the issue. Although she did not really lie to me, since as soon as I asked her, she told me the truth.

Why are we so possessive with the other's body ?
What matters is the heart and soul.
You might think "this guy is a puppy. She will play with him as she wishes"
But the fact is to me that freedom is more important, and it is not just words.


The unbearable lightness of being...

 

[humanino]

You will soon find a girl that has a good heart and would never consider cheating on you. THAT is the one you hold onto.

I don't expect to find another girl here
But you never know, it is when you expect it the least...

 

[Kurdt]

As many have said, its really up to what you feel comfortable with. if you can't get past the fact that she cheated then perhaps the relationship is doomed. If you're willing to accept what she says it was then you will have to try and forget it or at least never bring it up with her again and try and enjoy what you have left. Personally I don't think I'd be so hasty to leave someone that I loved. It would be hard to deal with but i'd rather try than give up completely.

 

[Moonbear]

My answer differs depending on what stage of a relationship you're in, and what form the "cheating" took.

For stage of relationship, if it's still early in a relationship, I think it's more forgiveable than later on. Sometimes someone is a bit uncertain early on about how strong the relationship is, and tries testing the waters a bit, only to find out they really do have a good relationship when they don't enjoy being with someone else as much. In that case, it's not so much that something is wrong with the relationship, but that they needed to find that out because it's too new to be very certain yet. If, however, you've been in a committed relationship for a while, then it seems more a sign that something is wrong with the relationship that the person is doubting it and looking for something missing. Perhaps less an unforgiveable act as it is a sign that there is a big problem in the relationship, and that's more the reason for breaking up.

On the form of cheating, if it was a date or kiss, that's more forgiveable and likely to be forgotten than sleeping with someone else.

I don't believe the adage once a cheater, always a cheater. But, I do believe that once someone has cheated on a particular relationship, it is likely they will cheat again while still in that relationship if whatever was wrong isn't fixed. Early in a relationship, it could just mean you're not both yet in the same place in terms of how committed the relationship is, but later on, it means something has broken or is missing, and they're seeking that elsewhere. Sometimes the only solution is to break up, because what's missing isn't something you can provide or fix. Sometimes getting "caught" is enough to initiate discussion on what's wrong and maybe it is fixable.

Overall, I agree with Danger on this. It doesn't matter what we tell you, it's how you feel that will determine what choice you'll make. Only you know if you can forgive her, or if you think it's worth trying to do so. Can she have male friends in the future without you feeling suspicious? Or will you always have that doubt from now on? If you can't shake it from your mind, you're better off breaking up. If you think you just need some time to get over the shock and that both of you have moved on since it happened and now that it's out in the open, you can get past it, then it might be worth trying to stay with her.

 

[radou]

Forgive the fact that she lied to me ? That is the issue. Although she did not really lie to me, since as soon as I asked her, she told me the truth.

Oh, I thought she told it to you without you asking about it. Well, this
changes the situation a bit.

Btw, if she's not living in the same town (or whatever) where you are, it's actually nothing really surprising about it, since such relationship are often doomed to such things. After all, we're only human. People have needs, and some of them are bad at keeping them under control.

But I know there's probably no guy in the world who would say it's okay if his girlfriend had sex with another guy.

Then again, depends on what kind of sex it was.

The conclusion is: this is all too complicated to debate about. So, the best is to think simply and clear, i.e. if you aren't deeply in love with her, find another girlfriend. Specially if the hypothesis about her not living in the same town with you holds.

 

[Mk]

Say you are quite in love with your girlfiend, but not living in the same area. Say you happen to notice something wrong, and when prompted she has the honesty to admit that she cheated on you, exactly when you thought it happened. Imagine she says that it was quite stupid for her to do that, that it has been torturing her, that she is sorry and just really wants things to work out still now. What would you do ?

Take her back if you want to, or not. It's ultimately your decision and you can't ask us. We can't even know the details of the situation as you know them. Did you talk about it since then with her?

But I think a lot of it could have to do with if it is an online relationship and the amount of time you've felt that way.

 

[Evo]

I admire my ex-fiance. He told me at the very beginning of our relationship that I had only one chance with him as far as fidelity.

He told me he would never cheat on me, deceive me or ever give me any reason to ever doubt him. He said the reason he could make this promise to me is because those are things in his life that he valued and that he has control over. He said there is never a valid excuse to cheat on the person you supposedly "love", and if I didn't feel that I was the type of person that had that same type of maturity and integrity, then I wasn't the type he was looking for.

That doesn't mean that a time might come when we decide to part. But infidelity, selfishness and inconsideration for another's feelings were not traits he was looking for. I have never admired a man as much. I now expect the same from future partners.

Also, humanino, I hope you the best in your decision. You are such a great guy and deserve so much happiness. If you decide to stay with this girl, you tell her the SISTERHOOD has LARGE FROZEN FISH and we're NOT afraid to use them!

 

[berkeman]

Long distance relationships suck, IMHO. Sorry that I haven't read any of your other threads on related issues, humanino, so I may not be working with the full background here. But when I've been involved in long distance relationships, fidelity was not really a realistic thing.

If you can see her every week and are deeply involved and planning on getting together soon (like you about to graduate and move in together somewhere), then yes, fidelity and committment would be good. But if you live in different states and talk on the phone every couple days, but only see each other every other month or so, then I think requiring absolute fidelity in that stage of the relationship is unrealistic for both parties.

I do think that it's reasonable to make it clear to each other that any sex with others has to follow safe-sex practices, so no bad microbes and such are brought into your relationship from outside. But beyond that, either shorten the distance of the relationship (and raise the frequency of get-togethers), or be realistic about the stage of the relationship and be willing to accept that the relationship is not at a monogomous stage yet.

My two cents (having been through some prolonged long-distance relationships in undergrad, grad school, and the first couple years working).

 

[Evo]

Why are we so possessive with the other's body ?
What matters is the heart and soul.

That's where to me cheating is not just a physical act, it is an act from the heart and soul, it is knowing that doing this will hurt the person you "supposedly love" but decide you don't care enough not to do it. It's betrayal of trust.

 

[humanino]

they needed to find that out because it's too new to be very certain yet

This is a recent relationship. She is young, I did not think she was 20 when I met her. I thought she was more mature, at least, she seemed to me, considering things she went though as well. But it is probably vey much relevant in my situation.

Can she have male friends in the future without you feeling suspicious?

Definitely. Maybe I am too confident.

f you can't shake it from your mind, you're better off breaking up

I am not sure I went to forget it and just act as if nothing had happened. This is part of our history now. We cannot just ignore it.

But I know there's probably no guy in the world who would say it's okay if his girlfriend had sex with another guy.

I must say, I really do make a difference between casual sex and love sex. I think they cannot compare. When love is involved in sex, it is really a different level.

Long distance relationships suck

Sure do
We actually talk with each other every day. But I cannot see her much more than evey other month. The situation cannot change before 6 to 9 months from now. Depends on opportunities. It will probably last like this again 1 year to 1 year and a half.

Also, humanino, I hope you the best in your decision. You are such a great guy and deserve so much happiness. If you decide to stay with this girl, you tell her the SISTERHOOD has LARGE FROZEN FISH and we're NOT afraid to use them!

Thank you so much Evo
I would not bet that it can work.

It's betrayal of trust.

I'm trying to decide about that actually

Although I am not answering every individual question, I really read everything. Thanks all folks for your help again.

 

[marlon]

Hey man, sorry to hear this. I have always admired people that "can" live in a long distance relationship. I could never be separated from my girlfriend for more than a few days. We have been together for over 4 years now and we just seem to be inseparable.

I my working place, i see a lot of post docs that leave their country, family and loved one(s) for work. Again, i admire that because i could NEVER do that. I guess i am quite old fashioned on this but i believe that a couple should be together nomatter what. Otherwise, things get ugly.

Concerning what you should do, i would indeed be harsh and terminate the relationship when such betrayal has been committed. But then again, you and only you can make up your mind according to what values/feelings are dominant and important to you.

Anyways, i have seen your picture several times and should you be in doubt, trust me, a "beau gosse" like yourself will find a new Claudia Schiffer, Monica Bellucci or Emanuelle Béart in NO TIME. You can only chose ONE though

greets
marlon

 

[humanino]

i could NEVER do that.

One should indeed never do that. It kills me with pain when I wake up in the morning, I think about it all day, my heart is torn when I go to bed alone, and I dream of her all night long. This is hard.

a "beau gosse" like yourself will find a new Claudia Schiffer

Thank you Marlon

 

[Smurf]

I skimmed the thread, but so far I don't think it's been clarified what the cheating was. If she slept with someone else, I wouldn't give her another chance. But I'm really weird like that.

 

[radou]

I skimmed the thread, but so far I don't think it's been clarified what the cheating was. If she slept with someone else, I wouldn't give her another chance. But I'm really weird like that.

...had some similar experience with smurfette?

 

[humanino]

I skimmed the thread, but so far I don't think it's been clarified what the cheating was. If she slept with someone else, I wouldn't give her another chance.

It was sleeping with someone else. Come on, who cares about a kiss !?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

As others have pointed, there are too many variables to know what I would do given your situation. I think it all comes down to what you feel in your heart - if you can get over it - and if you think she can be trusted. Had you both agreed to a level of commitment that excluded other relationships or was this left open to interpretation? If you were both truly committed and had said so, then I tend to think that if she is already cheating, she will always cheat, and you should run like the wind! On the other hand, if your expectations were unspecified and/or she told you out of guilt BECAUSE she does want to commit but had not really done so, and she has now realized this because of this episode, then I would tend to forgive and forget.