Dealing With Unrequited Love in University

[ILEW]

Do you have problems approaching any woman that you are attracted to or just this one?

You've hit the spot. My major weakness is having major difficulties with woman I am attracted to. In fact far worse, the more I am attracted to one, the faster I turn away and avoid her. Is this in the genes or a psychological illness. I have been like this for as far as I can remember. I have been most attracted to this girl and have shown the greatest amount of avoidance. I also don't have any friends that are female. Although I only have a handful of male friends as well so definitely not sociable.

 

[radou]

You've hit the spot. My major weakness is having major difficulties with woman I am attracted to. In fact far worse, the more I am attracted to one, the faster I turn away and avoid her. Is this in the genes or a psychological illness.

No, it's not any illness and it's not in the genes. You're only looking for a excuse for not starting to act. You may think of it this way: people are afraid to go to war, they are afraid before undergoring risky surgery, they are afraid while they are waiting for a diagnosis or something. They are afraid when they lose someone really close to them, and they are afraid when someone is after them.

But you needn't be afraid of this fundamental thing - approaching a beautiful girl you fancy. Come on, the whole world is full of this "you can do it" motto these days, so even idiots get it and know what they have to do. This should be your motivation to change your life.

I also don't have any friends that are female. Although I only have a handful of male friends as well so definitely not sociable.

Even a handful is okay. Perhaps at least one of these male friends has a female friend. If so, look for a situation where you could get to know her. Why? Because this very female friend probably has at least a handful of female friends, so you can get to know at least one of her. Hence, your odds for meeting someone new and learning to socialize are greater.

 

[ILEW]

Okay, this just keeps getting creepier, to be honest. You have never spoken to her, and presumably have never heard her speak either, you don't even know what color her hair is, yet you're completely obsessed with her, or at least your imagined version of her. You're in love with your imagination here, not with the person, you don't even know her, she's just a pretty face. You could try talking to her, but this obsession is probably going to show through and creep her out, and since you've conjured up your fantasy image of her, it's doubtful the real person will ever match up to the ideals of your imagination. Or, you can just realize it's a weird crush that should have been nothing more than a phase in your childhood and move on already.

I have heard her speak but not much. Actually I am pretty sure she has light brown hair. A colour like that is not very noticeable I think because it's light but not blonde nor red. Actually I have only seen her face directly once in my life which was this year and at a distance as I was walking into the library and we gave each other a stare, it was a bit too far to make out all her features. Before that I was too shy to look at her directly as I didn't want to give it away and have only looked at her from the side. Can you believe I missed the opportunity to look at her directly close up as I walked out of the library as she looked my way because I was even too shy or scared a few months ago. So back in primary school it may have been the way she acted that really got me and it could be that she looked very good from the side. So you can see that sending that email was a huge step for me. After I sent the first email, I was shaking scared as if the world was crushing down and didn't even have the appetite to eat lunch.

 

[cristo]

I have heard her speak but not much. Actually I am pretty sure she has light brown hair. A colour like that is not very noticeable I think because it's light but not blonde nor red. Actually I have only seen her face directly once in my life which was this year and at a distance as I was walking into the library and we gave each other a stare, it was a bit too far to make out all her features. Before that I was too shy to look at her directly as I didn't want to give it away and have only looked at her from the side. Can you believe I missed the opportunity to look at her directly close up as I walked out of the library as she looked my way because I was even too shy or scared a few months ago. So back in primary school it may have been the way she acted that really got me and it could be that she looked very good from the side. So you can see that sending that email was a huge step for me. After I sent the first email, I was shaking scared as if the world was crushing down and didn't even have the appetite to eat lunch.

So, you've only seen her face once? And you don't know what color her hair is? When you first started this thread, I presumed that you must like her because of the way she looks, but know it can't even be that. Why do you like her? There must be something!

In light of this new evidence, I strongly suggest you move on. This is clearly a very unhealthy obsession with someone that you do not know the slightest thing about.

 

[JasonRox]

She did respond.
And he has heard her speak. He said she said sorry to him on the bus. Some people notice and remember lots of things.

Maybe she is just busy. It's not impossible. I have messages from totally awesome people that I intend to write back but haven't gotten around to yet. Or maybe she forgot. Or maybe she didn't get it. Maybe a lot of things. ILEW, you won't know if you don't try. Just decide whether it's worth it or not. But, yeah, the sooner, the better.

She didn't respond the second time...

 

[radou]

and it could be that she looked very good from the side.

So, you've only seen her face once?

No, he apparently only saw her from the side. Perhaps the other side of her face is all deformed !

ILEW, just listen to the advice these good people are giving you! Stop writing and do something!

 

[ILEW]

You people are a bit mistaken. I definitely know her hair colour is light brown and it could be that I did see her face back in primary school but thought it was so pretty that I was too scared to look at it more because if I did I would have given away the truths, such as my immature thoughts were back then.

I actually realized how much I had missed out when I had a maths tutor who looked a lot like her, same hair colour, build and facial features except not as pretty. I felt so good asking her questions that I thought about contacting the girl I had never spoken to. Anyway I think I should move on as most of you suggest but might give her one more email just to be sure of myself. Things can't get worse than they already are.

 

[JasonRox]

Just get over it. No e-mail. Nothing.

The fact that you clung on to this for so long is creepy. You're at risk at clinging on to her like a shark on prey if you two ever want a date. Trust me, that's not good.

 

[Huckleberry]

I don't think you should just move on and forget this girl. What will happen then? I doubt that all your problems will go away and you will suddenly feel confident in approaching another woman. I doubt you can just rationalize your infatuation with this girl away, and even if you could it would not improve your situation. Ignoring this will only make things worse for you. I don't believe you have the capability to just get over this girl and I think anyone recommending such a thing has no understanding of your situation.

Stop taking the easy way out. Don't make excuses to let yourself off the hook. Have the courage to take responsibility for your own life. From what you describe, this goes beyond normal shyness. You shouldn't allow yourself to continue through life without the ability to form meaningful relationships. It would be very unhealthy. You should definitely talk to someone at your school who is qualified to advise you.

You will be rejected by women. The only way to get around that is to avoid women completely. But if you never try you will never know what love is. Your imagination is the best you will ever have. In order to succeed you have to be willing to take risks and accept responsibility for yourself. Parents are not responsible for their adult children. Polls are not responsible for your success or failure. An adult makes their own decisions. I feel that you allow other's opinions of you determine how you view yourself. Make some decisions for yourself and then find the courage to act on your decisions. Advice is often helpful, but it will not get you what you want.

Do something about your situation. You are still young and the situation is not hopeless. I recommend introducing yourself to any woman you meet in a random manner, just to build confidence in approaching women. Astronuc's idea of waving to this girl and determining if she actually wants to talk to you seems good to me also. Definately talk to a counselor at your school. Send her an e-mail if you like, but expect no response if you tell her any of the things you have written here. Examine your self image and try to determine how much is real and how much is what you think others think of you.

Good luck

 

[Evo]

I've got to say that being this obsessed with someone you've only glanced at a few times and never spoken to and for it to go on for this long falls under the category of obsessed. At least you aren't stalking her.

The fact that you've considered sending her an e-mail to tell her that she's special to you is not a good sign. How could someone you've never interacted with even in a group be "special" to you. You seem to have created a fantasy about this girl and it is not healthy.

I would suggest that with this fantasy you've created, you should not contact her. If you cannot rid yourself of this obsessive fantasy, seek professional help.

 

[Monique]

Ignoring this will only make things worse for you. I don't believe you have the capability to just get over this girl and I think anyone recommending such a thing has no understanding of your situation.

I think he should forget about this particular girl, people have crushes involving people that are out of reach and then grow over it. I think everyone has had these high school crushes. Later you realize that you really weren't compatible and that it was a nice experience to have such feelings for someone, but that they weren't realistic. I once had such a crush for someone in high school, I never contacted him and there are no hard feelings.

I think ILEW should work on really getting to know girls, without any obstructions and barriers. Obviously he has a HUGE barrier build for the current girl, she's out of reach and I'd leave it at that. If you're supposed to meet, it will happen, the circumstances will be better when you just let it happen instead of forcing a relationship.

Talk to girls that you don't find intimidating and learn from interacting with them. You'll probably soon find a girl you like, since you've already contacted her the barrier will be low to continue the relationship.

 

[Huckleberry]

I don't think he can forget her until she rejects him. Even if he could, he would likely soon replace her with another fantasy girl. This isn't just a crush. This is an obsessive fantasy that has been ongoing for 10 years from a time when they were just children. He needs to learn how to accept rejection. It will help him with more than just relationships. It will help him assert himself in all areas of his life. I suspect that he needs an identity separate from what others think of him.

 

[Moonbear]

Quite frankly, I think it's time for him to seek a counselor or other professional help to be able to 1) let this go, and 2) learn to have the confidence to look someone in the eye and talk to them! Obviously, the second problem is part of what has led to the first problem. Not be able to even look up at someone and say "hello" is going to create more problems than just lack of dates. This is a life skill that is needed not just for social relationships, but for professional ones as well. If you're so shy that you can't look someone in the eye when talking to them, and so nervous about it that you stammer over all your words, you're going to have trouble getting through job interviews, meetings with co-workers, etc. Deal with that problem first, and once you've overcome that shyness, you'll start noticing other women and they'll notice you and it'll be easier to put this one out of your mind (or to finally just ask her and get the rejection over with...or who knows, if you get your act together, she might find you more interesting and will say yes, but that will NEVER happen if you're too scared to even talk to her let alone ask her out).

 

[Evo]

I don't think he can forget her until she rejects him. Even if he could, he would likely soon replace her with another fantasy girl. This isn't just a crush. This is an obsessive fantasy that has been ongoing for 10 years from a time when they were just children. He needs to learn how to accept rejection. It will help him with more than just relationships. It will help him assert himself in all areas of his life. I suspect that he needs an identity separate from what others think of him.

So if she doesn't answer another e-mail can we tell him to take that as a rejection and move on? No answer may be the only rejection he gets.

 

[Huckleberry]

So if she doesn't answer another e-mail can we tell him to take that as a rejection and move on? No answer may be the only rejection he gets.

Only ILEW can decide when he feels that he has been fully rejected. Hopefully he can do it without frightening her too badly. I think he needs to see for himself that she is not the woman in his imagination. Or like Moonbear said, if he gets his act together, this girl might react positively. My magic 8 ball says "chances are slim".

What I would do is send a short message to arrange a meeting in a public place to catch up on the last ten years. Then, if she responds, I would force myself to go and talk to her in person. It's harder to dispute a rejection when it is done in person.

If she does not respond to that e-mail I would send one more explaining as best I could how I felt. I'd lay out the last ten years and how meeting her affected me. If she still doesn't respond then the rejection is pretty clear and he should just stay away from her.

Either way, he should talk to a professional about this, someone who can determine how severe his problem is.

 

[cristo]

If she does not respond to that e-mail I would send one more explaining as best I could how I felt. I'd lay out the last ten years and how meeting her affected me.

He should send one email, by all means, but another email "explaining how he feels" is a very bad idea. If she does not reply to his first email asking to meet up, he should take this as a rejection. I will guarantee, that if he sends her an email explaining his feelings for her, having never even spoken, she will not reply. Furthermore, I wouldn't be suprised if it didn't scare the poor girl!

I think he should leave it, but if he must send one more email, then fair enough. However, he should realize when friendly behaviour becomes obsessive stalking.

 

[Huckleberry]

I only recommended two e-mails because I think talking in person is better than describing his emotions in an e-mail. I think the important thing is to get this all out of his head an into the real world. Yeah, she could be scared, but no harm is done from an e-mail. Then at least he will have a real reason to avoid her and will find it difficult to continue the fantasy when it is undeniable that it does not match reality.

I wouldn't be surprised if the e-mail has already been sent.

 

[Evo]

If she does not respond to that e-mail I would send one more explaining as best I could how I felt. I'd lay out the last ten years and how meeting her affected me.

Eeeeh, that's the point I would consider a restraining order. He never met her.

If I got an e-mail from someone saying "you don't know me but I have been obsessed with you since I was a child" they would not get a reply.

 

[Huckleberry]

Well, hopefully he words it better than that. Something like, "I regret never having spoken to you. I wish I had the courage years ago to do so. I have problems expressing myself to women. I just wanted to let you know this so I could move on. This is my 12 step program for hopeless romantics. I hope you understand. Thanks for hearing me out. I wish you well."

That and a bunch of other everyday life things shouldn't scare her too bad, you think? I think what would be too frightening is if the letter was directed to her in a manner that seeks her affection, rather than acknowledging the end of an obsession. I'd play it down to a crush as much as possible by leaving out highly charged emotional words and writing in a matter-of-fact manner.

 

[cristo]

This is my 12 step program for hopeless romantics.

So now it's an addiction that's comparable to, say, someone who's life is destroyed by alcohol or drugs? I think not. This is a girl he doesn't know, has never met or spoken to, and doesn't even know what she looks like.

 

[Monique]

Well, hopefully he words it better than that. Something like, "I regret never having spoken to you. I wish I had the courage years ago to do so. I have problems expressing myself to women. I just wanted to let you know this so I could move on. This is my 12 step program for hopeless romantics. I hope you understand. Thanks for hearing me out. I wish you well."

If someone wrote that to me I'd be like: "uhh.. ok" unless it's someone I've actually interacted with and was somewhat befriended.

 

[Huckleberry]

So now it's an addiction that's comparable to, say, someone who's life is destroyed by alcohol or drugs? I think not. This is a girl he doesn't know, has never met or spoken to, and doesn't even know what she looks like.

I'm not being literal. It's just some humor. Someone with a severe social disorder can have their life destroyed just as easily as they could with drugs and alcohol. These disorders can often lead to those abuses also. Not being able to form relationships is a very harmful disorder. I'm making light of a potentially serious situation.

If someone wrote that to me I'd be like: "uhh.. ok" unless it's someone I've actually interacted with and was somewhat befriended.

It doesn't really matter what she thinks as long as she isn't so frightened that she feels a need to take legal action. The idea is to get the feelings across with a minimal amount of creepiness so they don't have to be bottled up for the rest of his life.

 

[Astronuc]

Well, hopefully he words it better than that. Something like, "I regret never having spoken to you. I wish I had the courage years ago to do so. I have problems expressing myself to women. I just wanted to let you know this so I could move on. This is my 12 step program for hopeless romantics. I hope you understand. Thanks for hearing me out. I wish you well."

I wouldn't mentioned the 12 step program, but one could simply convey that one has been very shy and awkward. Say something like, "please pardon my behavior, and I hope it has not caused any alarm." Then move on.

I am often bewildered why people just cannot come out and say what is in their heart - to simply be honest and straightforward. Those seem to be two qualities that are requisite for a successful and long-lasting relationship - whether its friendship or marriage.

 

[Moonbear]

If someone wrote that to me I'd be like: "uhh.. ok" unless it's someone I've actually interacted with and was somewhat befriended.

It doesn't really matter what she thinks as long as she isn't so frightened that she feels a need to take legal action. The idea is to get the feelings across with a minimal amount of creepiness so they don't have to be bottled up for the rest of his life.

If it was written exactly as you wrote above, my response would be the same as Monique's. And, I'd probably add his email address to my spam filter. If he wrote anything more, actually expressing his feelings as he is talking about her here, then I'd react more like Evo and start thinking "Save this email as evidence for the restraining order, and I think I'm going to shower with Lysol now."

 

[JasonRox]

I'm with Moonbear. He needs profesional help badly.

 

[pivoxa15]

One of the reasons for liking her so much back then was because she seemed like someone I would like very much, i.e a female version of myself? Her friends were people I probably would have liked had I been female at the time. So it isn't just her physical attractivness but other things as well. That is why she seemed so perfect and such an opportunity gone missing. I have never dated anyone in my life but its as if, if I was going to date anyone than the first person in the world would be her. However we are different to when we were small. I have become more anti social but don't think she is, if not quite sociable by the look of things.

Talking this issue here has helped me a lot. I don't feel as bad about it anymore and not so freightened of her anymore.

 

[J77]

What a long thread...

I had never ever talked to her before

ummm... could be a first step...

 

[Astronuc]

I'm with Moonbear. He needs profesional help badly.

As long as he's not wearing disposible diapers and driving cross-country to Florida, he's not there yet.

Talking this issue here has helped me a lot. I don't feel as bad about it anymore and not so freightened of her anymore.

Hopefully in real life, one uses one identity. I can understand the senstivity of the matter, but hopefully there are not more than two identities here.

 

[dontdisturbmycircles]

Ouch.. I am assuming that he did not mean to switch over to the Pivoxa name and was just using ILEW for privacy... This may make it even worse considering the state it sounds like he is in.

 

[pivoxa15]

Oh yeah. I'm sorry. It's all leaked out now. Anyway its good getting some advice from you people. I was just too embarrased which I assume is understandable but for me especially so to talk about these matters. Anyhow I am planning to give her one more email in a months time after I finish my exams and some time to reflect on the issue. However the probabilities are very low.

 

[dontdisturbmycircles]

Good luck pivoxa.

Yes it is understandable.

 

[JasonRox]

Just let her go man. Seriously, a 10 year crush is just unthinkable and creepy especially since you don't even know her and creepy even if you did know her.

If you have a hard time moving on from a girl you don't even know, just imagine how hard it would be to move on from rejection. If you haven't given up yet, you probably won't give up after rejection.

Anyways, I say leave her alone. The day she finds out you had this long crush she's going to think you're a ps...

Note: I personally wouldn't tell any girl you meet about the crush either. It'll freak them out.

 

[honestrosewater]

Good luck pivoxa.

Yes it is understandable.

Seconded. And I hope you meet more people with some compassion and understanding who can help you tame your worries.

 

[Astronuc]

I concur with honestrosewater and dontdisturbmycircles. It is quite understandable. Time to overcome the handicap of anxiety and move forward.

 

[Huckleberry]

Good luck pivoxa.

I apologize if I got a little dramatic. That happens sometimes. I think that if you do find someone who is understanding to your sensitivity you will have a powerful bond with that person. Thank you for sharing your situation with us. That takes real courage.

 

[pivoxa15]

There is nothing to hide now. I actually created ILEW just for discussion about matters related to her. Yes she is actually taller than me a little maybe an inch or two. That just adds more unlikliness on top of everything else.

 

[Astronuc]

There is nothing to hide now. I actually created ILEW just for discussion about matters related to her. Yes she is actually taller than me a little maybe an inch or two. That just adds more unlikeliness on top of everything else.

Not necessarily - it depends on her. Some women (perhaps a majority) prefer a taller man. Try to resist applying generalities in human behavior to individuals.

Too bad you didn't make a post on this before you sent the second email.

At this point, I would recommend not going out of one's way to contact her, but if you should by chance encounter her again - wave (if at a distance) or if nearby (say Hi). But perhaps just let it go.

 

[pivoxa15]

Not necessarily - it depends on her. Some women (perhaps a majority) prefer a taller man. Try to resist applying generalities in human behavior to individuals.

There is good reason to think she is part of the majority. The fact is it creates extra reason for me to let it go.

Too bad you didn't make a post on this before you sent the second email.

Yeah that is one thing I really regret. I assumed she liked me and all I needed to do was to confirm that I liked her. The fact that she didn't reply the second email suggest that is far from the truth.

 

[radou]

Wh...what? ILEW is pivoxa15? What's this, some kind of soap opera?

Anyways pivoxa, good luck.

 

[Astronuc]

I assumed she liked me

Well, therein lies the problem. Having not had a conversation or exchange in the past, she doesn't even know you, and you don't know her. She might have noticed you some time in the past. Back in post #33, she probably recognized you on the bus and at least then, she felt comfortable enough to stand next to you. That was certainly an opportunity missed.

From her perspective, your behavior (avoidance) has been rather strange, and has perhaps now made her uncomfortable. Perhaps one should not attempt further contact, but rather learn from the experience and move on.

 

[Moonbear]

One of the reasons for liking her so much back then was because she seemed like someone I would like very much, i.e a female version of myself? Her friends were people I probably would have liked had I been female at the time. So it isn't just her physical attractivness but other things as well.

This is the part I still don't understand. If you've never spoken to her, how do you know she is someone you'd like to be like? And, why do you still think it's more than just physical attraction? It really sounds like that's ALL it could be. I also think your fixation on this one person is preventing you from seeing the REAL attractiveness of others because you've set an imaginary ideal in your mind that no real person can ever attain or match.

My advice to seek counseling still stands. As I mentioned earlier, this is about more than just talking to women and getting dates, this is about being able to overcome extreme shyness so you can function in the world. If you don't feel comfortable jumping straight in and discussing your fixation on this one woman with a counselor, start out just by addressing the more general issue of shyness and nervousness about talking to people. Heck, just the practice of talking to a counselor will help you learn to talk with other people who are new to you.

In the meantime, I have a homework assignment for you...make it your goal to make the effort at least once daily to look up at someone you pass when walking, smile and say "Hi." A few will just keep walking, some will be confused trying to figure out if they know you, and most will smile and say "hi" back. It's a very small thing to do that will spread a smile to others and start helping you gain confidence that most of the time, you get a positive reward for saying hi because they smile back, and the rest of the time, nothing bad happens. And, if you say hi to the people who work at the counter of places you frequent (i.e., coffee shops, library, computer lab, etc.), you may find that leads to some conversation and new friends, or at least more pleasant service.

 

[pivoxa15]

This is the part I still don't understand. If you've never spoken to her, how do you know she is someone you'd like to be like? And, why do you still think it's more than just physical attraction?

In fact I don't understand that part either. I remember asking that same question to myself 10 years ago. I can remember many other attractive girls (some even more attractive than her) in the school but the fact that I was crazy about this one but none of the others is what makes her special to me. It puzzled me why I like her so much. So it must be because of other matters.

 

[JasonRox]

In fact I don't understand that part either. I remember asking that same question to myself 10 years ago. I can remember many other attractive girls (some even more attractive than her) in the school but the fact that I was crazy about this one but none of the others is what makes her special to me. It puzzled me why I like her so much. So it must be because of other matters.

You say it like it may be something romantic that you have with her, but really it's not romantic at all.

Have you thought about counseling?

 

[Huckleberry]

Words don't mean much. People form attractions very quickly even without speaking to one another. She may have just smiled at you or looked at you for more than a few seconds. Maybe she showed some kind of interest in some other way and you picked up on it. That's all it takes to form an attraction.

I'd guess that you formed an attraction to this girl early in the school year and carried that attraction to the exclusion of all others and you lean heavily toward monogamous relationships. I don't believe it is only a physical attraction, though it may have started that way. Somewhere in the first few minutes of encountering this girl you made a decision that you would like to have a relationship with her. You want to know about her, what books she likes, what kind of humor she appreciates, what her family is like, that sort of thing. This is a crush.

Then, because you had no communication with this girl, but the attraction still held you, the curiosity about her became a series of 'what if' scenarios that eventually formed into the fantasy. The attraction isn't physical because the attraction persists even without physical contact. The attraction is based on presumed qualities that she possesses in the fantasy. This is something more than a crush.

This is why I mentioned that if you found a real person to be this devoted to you could have a very strong bond if they felt likewise.

 

[ILEW]

My exams are over and had some time to reflect on the issue. Just to keep things consistent I think it is best to post under this username. I haven't tried consuelling because I have the ability to overcome this urge if it must. i.e if she dosen't reply to another email I send her in the future, if that is to happen.

What I want to know are the reasons why she hasn't replied to my second email. I haven't sent her another one by the way.

She dosen't know me at all so can't be that she hates me. The fact that she replied to my first email suggests she is at least neutral. I told her I was doing maths and thinking of doing postgrad studies in pure maths in the future. We can actually check which department students are studying in our database and it looks like she is taking subjects from the education department, specifically in primary school teaching (quite ironic as we 'met' in primary school) as I have checked their program. So could it be that she sensed there was too much contrast between what I'm doing and what she is doing even though we're both interested in education? And a bit embarrassed and so dosen't want to associate with me? I actually thought it was a good sign as she was into education. And probably a decent person as a result.

Maybe she replied to the first email because she is obviously interested in her own primary school 'mates' and what their doing but isn't interested in me personally at all. And never did in the first place?

Another reason could be that she already has a boyfriend and sensed my intensions from my second email and so didn't want to associate with me anymore even though she liked me? Although I guess it dosen't matter if that like isn't strong. Just as well that she didn't like me in the first place. I am shorter than her by about an inch or two. She is 5'11-6'0 so quite tall. That reduces my chances even more. But the thing is, I've always thought there was attraction between us even though we never spoked to each other before. But that could be my own illusion.

In my second email, I told her that I had known her for 11 years. Maybe that was a mistake. She might be a bit freaked out and think that I might stalk her or something if she replied and gave me more information. One of the reasons I like to write another email to her is simply to say that I am not crazy and will never do a thing like that although not explicitly.

 

[click]

My exams are over and had some time to reflect on the issue. Just to keep things consistent I think it is best to post under this username. I haven't tried consuelling because I have the ability to overcome this urge if it must. i.e if she dosen't reply to another email I send her in the future, if that is to happen.

Counseling is good.

What I want to know are the reasons why she hasn't replied to my second email. I haven't sent her another one by the way.

If someone you meet over the internet says they've been watching you for years without you noticing them, would you reply?

And a bit embarrassed and so doesn't want to associate with me?

Why would she be embarrassed?

Another reason could be that she already has a boyfriend and sensed my intensions from my second email and so didn't want to associate with me anymore even though she liked me?

Your brain is trying to find excuses to avoid being disappointed. If you want the real answer, confront her directly.

But the thing is, I've always thought there was attraction between us even though we never spoked to each other before. But that could be my own illusion.

Why would there be any form of attraction between the two of you aside from infatuation when you never even talked?

 

[Moonbear]

My exams are over and had some time to reflect on the issue. Just to keep things consistent I think it is best to post under this username. I haven't tried consuelling because I have the ability to overcome this urge if it must. i.e if she dosen't reply to another email I send her in the future, if that is to happen.

The point of the counseling is to get you over these feelings you can't seem to get over yourself, not about whether you can keep yourself from contacting her...you obviously can't get her out of your head. And you're still putting conditions on everything..."if she doesn't reply to another email." She already didn't reply to the last one, you're finished, over, done, and you have to get that.

What I want to know are the reasons why she hasn't replied to my second email. I haven't sent her another one by the way.

She dosen't know me at all...

BINGO! Why should she reply or take an interest or even care? You're just some classmate from high school she wasn't even friends with. If you had been friends in high school, sure, it might have been cool to get in touch again if you're at the same college, but you weren't even friends in school. This is what you have to get, you are NOTHING to her...there's no reason for any of this other than you don't even cross her mind, you're just another face in the yearbook of people she never had a reason to want to know. Please, seek counseling. It is not healthy to have the sort of feelings you have for her running around your mind and not to be able to let go of them when she has given you NO reason to think it could ever lead to anything. How will you ever move forward into a normal, healthy relationship with an available, interested young lady when you still have this fictitious fantasy girl as the center of your desires?

In my second email, I told her that I had known her for 11 years. Maybe that was a mistake. She might be a bit freaked out and think that I might stalk her or something if she replied and gave me more information. One of the reasons I like to write another email to her is simply to say that I am not crazy and will never do a thing like that although not explicitly.

No, if you disappear again and leave her alone, she'll know you're not a stalker. If you start sending emails telling her you're not a stalker, then she'll be certain you are!

 

[ILEW]

Interesting, Moonbear. We didn't go to the same high school unfortunately. The other thing is even if she were to become interested, I wouldn't spend too much with her because I spend a lot of or basically all my time studying during semester. I was overloading last semester and even told her that, how stupid. I am planning to overload next semester as well as I am a bit of a workaholic or just a love of learning. Yet more reasons to stop this.

I was also thinking of telling her that I was a bit lost and out of my mind with my previous email and that I was just a bit too shy in the past and still is. But you might say that she already knew that especially the former and don't need me confirming it?

 

[sara_87]

ILEW do you really like this girl?
stupid question
of course you do, you're obsessed!
anyway if you truly love her and you only want the absolute best for her then i would advise you to stay away from her, and to move to a different area and forget about her so that she can live a nice happy life without the thought of someone stalking her... it can get very creepy!
i'm sure that you're a great person and all but try not to notice her just to make her happy, because that is what you truly want, no? you want what is best for her because you love her, yeah?
so do the right thing and never ever contact her or tell her your feelings about her, and especially don't tell her that you've known her for 10 years because that will only freak her out...
i would imagine that this is very hard for you but just try to ignore her and go out a little more... join some kind of club it will fill up your time so that you don't have to think about her so much, and it will give you an opportunity to socialise more
good luck!

(i don't know if someone else said this before because i didn't read all the posts properly, if they did sorry for repeating)

 

[ILEW]

ILEW do you really like this girl?
stupid question
of course you do, you're obsessed!
anyway if you truly love her and you only want the absolute best for her then i would advise you to stay away from her, and to move to a different area and forget about her so that she can live a nice happy life without the thought of someone stalking her... it can get very creepy!
i'm sure that you're a great person and all but try not to notice her just to make her happy, because that is what you truly want, no? you want what is best for her because you love her, yeah?
so do the right thing and never ever contact her or tell her your feelings about her, and especially don't tell her that you've known her for 10 years because that will only freak her out...
i would imagine that this is very hard for you but just try to ignore her and go out a little more... join some kind of club it will fill up your time so that you don't have to think about her so much, and it will give you an opportunity to socialise more
good luck!

(i don't know if someone else said this before because i didn't read all the posts properly, if they did sorry for repeating)

I am a pessimist and made things sound bad by using words like stalking. I don't know what is on her mind at all as I have never talked to her. I would never ever do such a thing and why would I? I'd go for the books instead.

Your talk of taking some kind of moral high ground has actually been on my mind in the past and one of the reasons why I use to avoid her. But recently things have been too overwhelming inside me, biologically and I just had to make a move. But things ended before it started.