Ending Relationships: What's a Reasonable Excuse?

[Smurf]

So if you lot are so great at relationships... why are you all still single?

 

[Moonbear]

So if you lot are so great at relationships... why are you all still single?

We have higher standards than those who jump into a destructive relationship with the first guy they found. I'm waiting for one of those really great guys with an unappreciative wife to get freed up since there aren't too many left in circulation.

 

[Evo]

So if you lot are so great at relationships... why are you all still single?

Because we're wise enough to know when it's time to end an unhealthy relationship.

 

[Smurf]

... yet not wise enough to start a healthy enough one.

 

[Evo]

... yet not wise enough to start a healthy enough one.

You're assuming (incorrectly I might add) that there is a wealth of sane men available.

 

[Smurf]

Nonsense, there are plenty. You just havn't learned how to find them.

 

[zoobyshoe]

For example, if your partner kissed someone else - ("accidently" or not) would you find that valid reason to break up with them? Explain.

Let's get back to this.

Personally, I wouldn't have broken up with a girlfriend because of this "accidental" kiss thing. I wouldn't have broken up because of a deliberate kiss. In fact, I have twice had girlfriends have sex wth other guys while they were supposedly going with me, and I didn't break up with them for that, either. In both cases they were mad at me and did it to make me angry or jealous or something, and, rather than feel upset, it just struck me as kind of silly of them.

The reason I think it didn't bother me at all was because it was clear their feelings for me were intact and the same as ever. It was a childish ploy for my benefit, and didn't result from some inner withdrawal from me. In both cases they had no desire to be involved with the other person instead of me, or to even see them again.
---
A friend I had in College told me how she had once been really attacted to a married man. It was mutual. She was friends with him and his wife. He confessed to his wife, and after thinking it over she gave them both permission to have sex and get it out of their system. That permission ended up taking the forbiddenness away, and they both lost interest in persuing it. They never had sex, but stayed friends.

 

[Smurf]

In both cases they were mad at me and did it to make me angry or jealous or something, and, rather than feel upset, it just struck me as kind of silly of them.

If that had happened to me I wouldn't have thought twice about never seeing them again... amazing.

 

[whozum]

If that had happened to me I wouldn't have thought twice about never seeing them again... amazing.

Most people share your point of view.
I agree with zooby though.

 

[zoobyshoe]

If that had happened to me I wouldn't have thought twice about never seeing them again... amazing.

If this had happened to me when I was your age, I might well have dumped them. I was only just starting to get the notion that jealousy was sort of pathological in a lot of cases. By the time I was in my mid-twenties, I was de-jealousized enough to consider their motivations as the important factor, not the mere event itself.

 

[Smurf]

So.. explain to me why you wouldn't care..

 

[Evo]

Personally, I wouldn't have broken up with a girlfriend because of this "accidental" kiss thing. I wouldn't have broken up because of a deliberate kiss. In fact, I have twice had girlfriends have sex wth other guys while they were supposedly going with me, and I didn't break up with them for that, either. In both cases they were mad at me and did it to make me angry or jealous or something, and, rather than feel upset, it just struck me as kind of silly of them.

I wouldn't have broken up with them because of the sex, I would have broken up with them for being that stupid, immature, and inconsiderate. I would never stay in a relationship with someone that acted like that, I expect the person in my life to have a functioning brain.

 

[zoobyshoe]

So.. explain to me why you wouldn't care..

It's like I said, their feelings hadn't changed for me, the whole thing was a ploy to get a rise out of me, to try to force me to be more "passionate". They had no interest in these other guys.

 

[Evo]

It's like I said, their feelings hadn't changed for me, the whole thing was a ploy to get a rise out of me, to try to force me to be more "passionate". They had no interest in these other guys.

In other words, insensitive, they care only about themselves, it's all about them, and will do anything to make it about them. Those were real gems! "If you don't give me what I want, I will sleep with other people!"

 

[zoobyshoe]

I wouldn't have broken up with them because of the sex, I would have broken up with them for being that stupid, immature, and inconsiderate. I would never stay in a relationship with someone that acted like that, I expect the person in my life to have a functioning brain.

They were both actually very bright women. They just hadn't run into anyone like me before. I exasperated them. With no intention of doing so.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I think it depends a lot on what you consider to be important in a relationship and what you can or cannot live with in a relationship.
I will not stand to carry on a relationship with someone I can not trust. The kiss showed me that I could not trust her. The fact that she lied about it just showed me further that I could not trust her and more or less cemented me in my decision. Had I been with her longer and been more attached I may have given the situation some more thought and I may have forgiven her had she handled the situation in a more forgivable manner.


Evo and Moonie I am so happy to see that there are women out there who get it! You have given me hope. I was about to think that all women out there were either too selfabsorbed or too willing to be walked all over. Thank you!

 

[Evo]

They were both actually very bright women. They just hadn't run into anyone like me before. I exasperated them. With no intention of doing so.

There is no excuse for that kind of behavior. They wanted attention, so they were willing to do anything, no matter how much it might hurt you, in order to get it. There is a word for women like that. I believe it's BYATCH.

 

[Smurf]

Evo and Moonie I am so happy to see that there are women out there who get it! You have given me hope. I was about to think that all women out there were either too selfabsorbed or too willing to be walked all over. Thank you!

You might try dating guys for a while...

 

[Smurf]

There is no excuse for that kind of behavior. They wanted attention, so they were willing to do anything, no matter how much it might hurt you, in order to get it. There is a word for women like that. I believe it's BEAAAATCH.

I think the proper spelling is "Byatch"

 

[Evo]

I think the proper spelling is "Byatch"

Oooh, much better, thanks!

 

[zoobyshoe]

There is no excuse for that kind of behavior. They wanted attention, so they were willing to do anything, no matter how much it might hurt you, in order to get it. There is a word for women like that. I believe it's BYATCH.

Labels, labels, labels.

Two people get together and they relate to each other in some way, shape or form. Each time that happens, it's a special case, idiosynchratic to those two people.

 

[Smurf]

To each their own, I guess. I (personally) don't like sluts.

 

[Evo]

Zoob, that kind of behavior is immature, it shows they have no respect for others, it shows that only how they feel is what matters. If you're ok with that, then, what can I say. I would never tolerate that.

TSA, I believe that the majority of women aren't psycho, it just seems that way. You are a gem my dear.

Smurf, good for you. Guys, don't let women treat you like something they just stepped in and need to scrape off their shoes. I've known women that behave as mentioned and believe me, they have no love for anyone but themselves and certainly no respect.

 

[moose]

Ehhh, a girlfriend sleeping with other guys to make you angry really isn't something which a sane woman with a fully functioning brain would do... Seems rather selfish too, along with immature and just slutty.

 

[Smurf]

Hey zoob, you're getting heat for being too tolerant.

 

[Astronuc]

Both Moonbear and Evo have given good advice.

Perhaps one should be careful when establishing a relationship. Learn about each other first before committing - a very simple and straightforward approach. I am surprised by the number of people who find that the person with whom they have a relationship is not the same person whom they knew before the relationship.

If one does discover that one's heart is not in the relationship, or if one decides to 'break' the relationship (and I would expect one to understand (know) the reason), then be respectful of the other person and be honest. There is no need for excuses.

There is no need to break a relationship if one is careful to establish a good (healthy) relationship in the first place.

My grandparents and my parents are marvelous examples. My parents will celebrate 50 years of marriage next year, and I will have been married 25 years the following year - and counting.

Smurf - you would be very fortunate if you find someone like Evo, Moonbear or any of the other PF sisters!

 

[Smurf]

Smurf - you would be very fortunate if you find someone like Evo, Moonbear or any of the other PF sisters!

No doubt.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Zoob, that kind of behavior is immature, it shows they have no respect for others, it shows that only how they feel is what matters.

OK, let me ask you what advice you would have given them on how to deal with me when they were thus exasperated.

 

[Smurf]

OK, let me ask you what advice you would have given them on how to deal with me when they were thus exasperated.

How exactly were they exasperated? What on Earth do you mean by that? And I wouldn't have told them to go sleep with someone else...

 

[zoobyshoe]

How exactly were they exasperated?

They felt I wasn't passionate enough about them, affectionate enough, talkative enough, communicative enough, all that stuff.

And I wouldn't have told them to go sleep with someone else...

No, I'm not saying that was an inevitable course of action, either, and it certainly didn't work, I'm only saying it didn't bother me very much at all.

 

[Evo]

OK, let me ask you what advice you would have given them on how to deal with me when they were thus exasperated.

zooby you are so cool, so incredible, I adore you. What the hell were they expecting? Were you fake when you first met them? Did you pretend to be something different so when the real you came out they were surprised?

I think the fact that you were so different attracted them and they wanted to be the one that would tame you, the one to control you, they wanted that power. I am speaking from direct experience with controlling, psycho women. Women like that cannot be reasoned with. Believe me, I have tried. I have cut off relations with women like this because I didn't want to be guilty by association.

What would I do? If you were intentionally mean to me, I would leave. If you were aloof, absorbed in other things, I would ask myself if this was the type of person I would enjoy being with. If the answer was no, I would leave. I would never try to control another person. I am secure enough that I don't need to be bound at the hip to someone. I figure they had a life before they met me and would hope they would continue after we met. I mean, how they are would be what attracted me to them in the first place, right? I also have a life and expect anyone I meet to either accept who I am if they want to date me, or move along.

 

[moose]

They felt I wasn't passionate enough about them, affectionate enough, talkative enough, communicative enough, all that stuff.
.

They should have told you flat out, or hinted it, or even left you if it was that big of an issue for them. If you cannot think of a better way for them to have communicated that you were unpassionate than what they did, then there is seriously something wrong with the way you think.

They should have known how you were and if they didn't like it well...

 

[Evo]

They felt I wasn't passionate enough about them, affectionate enough, talkative enough, communicative enough, all that stuff.

Well, you know what, if they want something you're not, then they need to move along if they aren't secure enough to deal with it. Thinking of ways to hurt you so that you'll pay more attention is psycho.

 

[Smurf]

They should have told you flat out, or hinted it, or even left you if it was that big of an issue for them.

Exactly, hense: Slut.

 

[Smurf]

zooby you are so cool, so incredible, I adore you.

Really? I was kind of just thinking that this could be a sign of low self-esteem or devalued confidence. He's obviously making himself out to be the cause of these girls going slutty on him.