.Scott said:
every reference frame agrees that there is no violation of unitarity.
This is not correct if a singularity is present; then anyone using a reference frame that includes worldlines reaching the singularity will see violations of unitarity. The only reason other frames will not see such violations is that they can't cover the region of spacetime that includes worldlines reaching the singularity. But the standard of whether something "happens" is not whether it is included in a particular reference frame, but whether it is included in spacetime. Worldlines reaching the singularity are included in spacetime.
.Scott said:
If Alice falls through the event horizon at 12 noon. Nothing that happens to Alice from 12 noon on is part of Bob's universe.
If by "Bob's universe" you mean "spacetime", this statement is incorrect. The correct statement is that nothing that happens to Alice from 12 noon on (according to Alice's clock) is covered by the reference frame you are assuming Bob to be using (but there is nothing that requires Bob to use this frame; he could perfectly well use another one that does cover Alice's worldline from 12 noon on). Another correct statement would be that no light signal emitted by Alice from 12 noon on by her clock will ever reach Bob; but there is nothing that requires Bob to use a reference frame that only includes events that can send light signals to him.
If by "Bob's universe" you mean, not all of spacetime, but just a portion of it, then of course you can make your statement trivially true by picking the portion appropriately. But that isn't physics, it's playing with words.
.Scott said:
If you think it does happen in Bob's universe, then the question becomes when?
"When" is not a physical thing; it's a convention. There are conventions that assign a well-defined "when" to events on Alice's worldline from 12 noon on, and there are other conventions that do not. None of that affects any physical things.
.Scott said:
If you want to call the event horizon that is seen by external observers as "the event horizon", then it certainly describes an invariant sphere in space. Everyone can calculate where that horizon is as seen from their reference frame, but not everyone will see it as having the extreme transformations commonly associated with an event horizon. So, although a particle can determine when it crosses "the event horizon", it will not experience it as an event horizon.
The event horizon is a globally defined surface: it's the boundary of the region of spacetime (the "black hole") that cannot send light signals to future null infinity. It doesn't depend on any observer or any reference frame; there's no such thing as "the event horizon as seen by external observers", as distinct from some other observers' notion of a horizon. There's just the event horizon, period.
As for "extreme transformations", I don't understand what you mean; but the properties of the event horizon are invariant and don't depend on any observer or any reference frame.
As for what it means to "experience it as an event horizon", if you just mean that an observer falling through the event horizon does not observe any unusual phenomena locally, that's true. But I don't understand what it has to do with the rest of your statements.