- #1
- 13,348
- 3,104
"My favorite jokes" thread
I decided to break the monotony installed with the latest wave of stupid threads occurring in our beloved GD and post my favorite jokes in (American) English.
I know some of them are lame. :tongue2:
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her
turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What
would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The
little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,
"I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the
little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it
with Ken."
BREAKING NEWS
The Japanese have invented a camera with a shutter speed so fast that it can actually take a photo of a woman with her mouth closed.
A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, "How many folk here believe in ghosts?"
About 80 students raise their hands. "That's a good start," says the professor, "For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?"
One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed that.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have made love to a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it!... I thought you said `goats.'
A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a
year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him
if he could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick". The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
> > > > > > LAWYER: Have you any grounds ?
> > > > > > POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3
> > > bedrooms.
> > > > > > LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
> > > > > > Pole: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he
responded.
> > > > > > LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
> > > > > > POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have
> > > never
> > > > really
> > > > > > needed one."
> > > > > > LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"
> > > > > > POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."
> > > > > > LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
> > > > > > POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with
6.1 sound.We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
> > > > > > LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?
> > > > > > POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.
> > > > > > LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
> > > > > > POLE: NO, she white.
> > > > > > LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
> > > > > > POLE: SHE going to kill me.
> > > > > > LAWYER: What makes you think that?
> > > > > > POLE: I got proof.
> > > > > > LAWYER: What kind of proof?
> > > > > > POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug
store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read ! - it says "Polish Remover"!
Women top 5 lies:
5. I am a virgin.
4. It is so big.
3. I can't do that to my best friend.
2. I won't gain weight after marriage.
1. I am coming I am coming!
Q. What's better than roses on your piano ?
A. Tulips on your organ ...
Q: What's the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Q: What kind of bees give milk?
A: Boo-bees.
Q: What will it take to reunite Nirvana?
A: Two more bullets...
Q: What was the last thing to go through Cobain's
mind?
A: The roof of his mouth.
Q: What's the worst part about eating vegetables?
A: The wheelchair.
Q: What do you call a woman with no a$$hole?
A: Divorced.
Q: What does a women do with her a$$ in the morning?
A: She makes him a sandwich and sends him to work...
Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: They taste funny!
Q: What's the difference between snowmen and
snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze
pilots say to his
students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.
Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: Megasorass.
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their
bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I
think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year
old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for
breakfast, I'm going to say something with 'hell' and you
say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with
enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the
6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the
kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his
eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his
rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room
and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you
out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year
old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want
for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he
blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios."
Eat and drink
1.) Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans
2.) Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans
3.) Africans drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans
4.) Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans
5.) Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of
sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you want. Speaking English is
apparently what really kills you.
Hearing so many people speaking about his
intelligence level, George "double you" Bush decided
to get his brain checked. The physician diagnosis was
as follows:
- Mr. President, you have two brains, the left and the
right, like all normal people. But the problem is that
in your left brain there is nothing right and in your
right brain there is nothing left.
A prostitute is lying in bed between tricks studying a
dictionary. A koala bear enters through the window and
performs oral sex on her. When the koala turns to
depart, the prostitue says, "Hey, wait a minute." The
koala looks at her, puzzled. "I'm a prostitute." says
the prostitute. Still, the koala appears clueless. The
prostitute turns to the entry for prostitute in the
dictionary. The koala reads, "Prostitute: Person who
engaged in sex for money." The koala then takes the
dictionary, turns to the entry for "koala" and hands
it to the prostitue, who reads:
"Koala: Australian marsupial that eats bushes and
leaves."
A discussion in the immigration office at the airport:
- NAME?
- Muhjmatil Ahmed Mahmud.
- SEX?
- Three times a week!
- I MEAN: MALE OR FEMALE?
- Doesn't matter. Sometimes even with camel...
Daniel.
P.S. Can i post dirty jokes, please, pretty please??
I decided to break the monotony installed with the latest wave of stupid threads occurring in our beloved GD and post my favorite jokes in (American) English.
I know some of them are lame. :tongue2:
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her
turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What
would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The
little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,
"I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the
little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it
with Ken."
BREAKING NEWS
The Japanese have invented a camera with a shutter speed so fast that it can actually take a photo of a woman with her mouth closed.
A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, "How many folk here believe in ghosts?"
About 80 students raise their hands. "That's a good start," says the professor, "For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?"
One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed that.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have made love to a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it!... I thought you said `goats.'
A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a
year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him
if he could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick". The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
> > > > > > LAWYER: Have you any grounds ?
> > > > > > POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3
> > > bedrooms.
> > > > > > LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
> > > > > > Pole: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he
responded.
> > > > > > LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
> > > > > > POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have
> > > never
> > > > really
> > > > > > needed one."
> > > > > > LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"
> > > > > > POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."
> > > > > > LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
> > > > > > POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with
6.1 sound.We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
> > > > > > LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?
> > > > > > POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.
> > > > > > LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
> > > > > > POLE: NO, she white.
> > > > > > LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
> > > > > > POLE: SHE going to kill me.
> > > > > > LAWYER: What makes you think that?
> > > > > > POLE: I got proof.
> > > > > > LAWYER: What kind of proof?
> > > > > > POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug
store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read ! - it says "Polish Remover"!
Women top 5 lies:
5. I am a virgin.
4. It is so big.
3. I can't do that to my best friend.
2. I won't gain weight after marriage.
1. I am coming I am coming!
Q. What's better than roses on your piano ?
A. Tulips on your organ ...
Q: What's the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Q: What kind of bees give milk?
A: Boo-bees.
Q: What will it take to reunite Nirvana?
A: Two more bullets...
Q: What was the last thing to go through Cobain's
mind?
A: The roof of his mouth.
Q: What's the worst part about eating vegetables?
A: The wheelchair.
Q: What do you call a woman with no a$$hole?
A: Divorced.
Q: What does a women do with her a$$ in the morning?
A: She makes him a sandwich and sends him to work...
Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: They taste funny!
Q: What's the difference between snowmen and
snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze
pilots say to his
students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.
Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: Megasorass.
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their
bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I
think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year
old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for
breakfast, I'm going to say something with 'hell' and you
say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with
enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the
6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the
kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his
eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his
rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room
and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you
out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year
old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want
for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he
blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios."
Eat and drink
1.) Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans
2.) Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans
3.) Africans drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans
4.) Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans
5.) Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of
sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you want. Speaking English is
apparently what really kills you.
Hearing so many people speaking about his
intelligence level, George "double you" Bush decided
to get his brain checked. The physician diagnosis was
as follows:
- Mr. President, you have two brains, the left and the
right, like all normal people. But the problem is that
in your left brain there is nothing right and in your
right brain there is nothing left.
A prostitute is lying in bed between tricks studying a
dictionary. A koala bear enters through the window and
performs oral sex on her. When the koala turns to
depart, the prostitue says, "Hey, wait a minute." The
koala looks at her, puzzled. "I'm a prostitute." says
the prostitute. Still, the koala appears clueless. The
prostitute turns to the entry for prostitute in the
dictionary. The koala reads, "Prostitute: Person who
engaged in sex for money." The koala then takes the
dictionary, turns to the entry for "koala" and hands
it to the prostitue, who reads:
"Koala: Australian marsupial that eats bushes and
leaves."
A discussion in the immigration office at the airport:
- NAME?
- Muhjmatil Ahmed Mahmud.
- SEX?
- Three times a week!
- I MEAN: MALE OR FEMALE?
- Doesn't matter. Sometimes even with camel...
Daniel.
P.S. Can i post dirty jokes, please, pretty please??
:grumpy: 
.