What Do an Italian Chef and a Mathematician Share with a Bad Bus Conductor?

[Hurkyl]

What does an enthusiastic italian chef have in common with a mathematician using the cheddar metric?

They're both in ta' grating cheese.

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Cause 7 8 9!

 

[Lonewolf]

Q. What's the square root of 69?
A. Eight something.

(a.k.a. the only dirty joke in maths)

 

[steppenwolf]

Originally posted by Lonewolf
Q. What's the square root of 69?
A. Eight something.

(a.k.a. the only dirty joke in maths)

hahahaha that's great, well it's awful, but great!

haha no it's not, i'd tell you but then i'd have to kill you, well they are pretty dirty!

ps steppnwolves eat lone wolves for breakfast harharhar

 

[wolram]

im impresed that made me laugh
any more please

 

[quartodeciman]

The math professor loaded the blackboard with a complex welter of equations. He carried on a continuous monologue, citing this and that and the other previously-derived results from earlier in the course. The students struggled to keep up with him, but mostly scribbled notes as fast as they could. Finally he drew a long line under the last and biggest equation and wrote a shorter final equation. Simultaneously, he began saying "Obviously this follows from the above...", then he stopped talking and stared at the board in silence for about 30 seconds. He grabbed his books and dashed into the sideroom office and slammed the door. The students sat and buzzed at each other, not knowing what to expect next. He emerged 10 minutes later and walked serenely to the blackboard. He said, "Yes, it is obvious that this result follows."

 

[phoenixthoth]

as far as i know this is a true story.

a "brilliant" mathematician was giving a talk and he couldn't think of a proof for a result he was using but he said he remembered it being trivial.

then a grad student in the audience proved it for him and the "brilliant" mathematician said, "see, i said it was trivial."

cheers,
phoenix

 

[Bubonic Plague]

You haven't seen terrible until you've heard some of the jokes my classmates come up with.

 

[Hurkyl]

Well, there are only two kinds of theorems; trivial and deep. A trivial theorem is one that you know how to prove, and a deep theorem is one you don't.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

A variation on the story by phoenixthoth:

Cause: The author can't remember how to solve the problem.
Effect: Proof of this is left as an excercise for the student.

 

[Ursole]

Some Math Jokes

How long did it take Cantor to come up with the idea of ordinal numbers?

============================================

What's purple and commutes?

============================================

What's purple, commutes, and is worshipped by a limited number of people?

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What is accounting?

============================================

Two unbiased estimators are sitting in a bar.
One of them says, "How do you like being married?"
The other one replies, "It's okay but you lose a degree of freedom."

============================================

Two male mathematicians are in a bar.

The first one says to the second that the average person is mathematically ignorant.

The second one disagrees and claims that most people know at least a little math.

The first mathematician goes off to the bathroom, and in his absence the second calls over a waitress.

He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question.
All she has to do is answer "one third x cubed."

She repeats, "one thir -- dex cue"? He repeats, "one third x cubed."

She tries again: "one thir dex cuebd"? "Yes, that's right," he says.

So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd."

The first mathematician returns, and the second proposes a bet to prove his point--that most people do know a little math.

He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees.

The second mathematician calls over the waitress and asks, "What is the integral of x squared?"

The waitress carefully says, "one third x cubed." Then, while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder, "plus a constant."

=============================================

(My favourite)
e^x is walking down the road one day when he meets several other functions coming the other way.
One of them, x^2, cries "Run for your life! A differential is coming! He's already eliminated some constants!" as he runs past.
"Hah!" exclaimed e^x, "I'm not afraid of any differential; I'm e^x, and he can't affect me."
So he walked on a little further, and, sure enough, spied a differential coming towards him. He approached boldly and declared, "Hi, I'm e^x"
"Hello," answered the differential, grinning broadly, "I'm d/dy"

=============================================

ANSWERS:
How long did it take Cantor to come up with the idea of ordinal numbers?
: Forever and a day.

What's purple and commutes?
: An Abelian grape.

What's purple, commutes, and is worshipped by a limited number of people?
: A finitely venerated Abelian grape.

What is accounting?
: What statisticians do for excitement.

 

[jcsd]

There's 10 sorts of people in this world:

Those who understand binary

and those who don't.

 

[quantumdude]

A variation on the story by phoenixthoth:

Cause: The author can't remember how to solve the problem.
Effect: Proof of this is left as an excercise for the student.

I know, and you know what? It doesn't work the other way around. Once, when pressed for time, on an assigment in abstract algebra, I stated a result and commented, "The proof is left as an exercise for the grader." He didn't prove it, so I didn't give him any points.

 

[bomba923]

Q. What's the square root of 69?
A. Eight something.

(a.k.a. the only dirty joke in maths)

Not the only dirty one; consider this

Professor to aspiring female math student:
"How would YOU like to integrate my natural log?!? "
Hehehee, says the girl

 

[arildno]

Not the only dirty one; consider this

Professor to aspiring female math student:
"How would YOU like to integrate my natural log?!? "
Hehehee, says the girl

Well, that is marginally better than the professor interested in having his male students provide log-log plots for his own perusal..

 

[arildno]

Just a Norwegian math curiosity:
Given the "Runge-kutta's method":
If you mis-spell this as "Runke-gutta's method" it means the "method of the mast**bation-boys".

 

[kirovman]

Right there's this bus conductor, and he is working on the bus one day, collecting money for tickets, and there's an old lady who doesn't have any money, so he pushes her under the wheels of the bus.

He is taken to court, found guilty and setenced to death.

He waits 15 years on death row, and he is due to be executed.
They sit him in the electric chair, ask him if he has any last requests.
He asks for a banana, which he eats.
They turn on the chair, but nothing happens.

So finally they let him out of jail again, guessing he learned his lesson, and it was god's will that he didn't die.

So he gets a bus conductor job again, and sure enough the same thing happens, he kills an old lady by shoving her in front of the bus.

He gets sentanced to death again, and at his execution they ask him if he has any last requests.

He asks for a banana again, which he eats.

Again, when the switch the chair on, nothing happens.

They ask him "What is wrong with you, what's your secret, why won't you die?"

He says...

*drum roll*

"I'm a really bad conductor"