Are Rude Suggestions About Marriage Still Common?

[Loren Booda]

"Rude" as in "inconsiderate," "suggestions" as "do as I say, not as I do."

The one I usually hear is "You ought to get married."

What do you hear?

 

[turbo]

"When are you going to have children?" That was one leveled at my uncle (just a bit older than me) and his wife repeatedly by meddling family members. What made it especially hurtful was that they had tried for over 10 years to have a child until they were successful. My wife and I decided 35 years ago not to have children, and we got hammered with the same crap. We are happy, and our career-choices over the years were made far more flexible because we only had to consider one another, not children. There were times when I worked brutal shifts, times when I spent weeks at a time away, consulting for clients 1000-2000 miles distant, etc. Our marriage remained (and remains) strong. We have always tried to give our friends and relatives breaks from their own children, so they could have weekends alone. We could grab a couple of nieces and nephews at a time and treat them to weekends of games, cookouts, movie rentals, etc, and have a great time with them.

We have extended that to the kids of a neighbor's daughter, in recent times. The girls are 4 and 6, and they love bugs, snakes, rocks, gardening, playing in the dirt, picking apples, etc. Their mother was divorced about a year ago, and moved back in with her parents with the kids. When my wife and I drop in, the kids run at us wanting hugs and bursting with news of what happened at school, and their mother and her parents do lots of stuff for us.

 

[Chi Meson]

From non-parents, to us with three children under eight:

"Have you tried just saying 'no'?"

*thack*

 

[BobG]

"Have you been in therapy?"

During first telephone conversation with someone you're interested in dating.

 

[Astronuc]

"Have you been in therapy?"

During first telephone conversation with someone you're interested in dating.

So how did that date go?

 

[Moonbear]

From non-parents, to us with three children under eight:

"Have you tried just saying 'no'?"

*thack*

Three isn't bad. Are you allowed to ask that when you get a birth announcement from a couple and have lost count of how many? Is it 7 or 8? I think I lost count around 6, and certainly could not tell anyone the names of any past the first 2.

(My personal limit on "enough is enough" is when the children outnumber the hands the parents have to hold them with...this allows some wiggle room for remarriages and unconventional relationships.)

 

[Loren Booda]

"When are you going to have children?" That was one leveled at my uncle (just a bit older than me) and his wife repeatedly by meddling family members. What made it especially hurtful was that they had tried for over 10 years to have a child until they were successful. My wife and I decided 35 years ago not to have children, and we got hammered with the same crap. We are happy, and our career-choices over the years were made far more flexible because we only had to consider one another, not children. There were times when I worked brutal shifts, times when I spent weeks at a time away, consulting for clients 1000-2000 miles distant, etc. Our marriage remained (and remains) strong. We have always tried to give our friends and relatives breaks from their own children, so they could have weekends alone. We could grab a couple of nieces and nephews at a time and treat them to weekends of games, cookouts, movie rentals, etc, and have a great time with them.

We have extended that to the kids of a neighbor's daughter, in recent times. The girls are 4 and 6, and they love bugs, snakes, rocks, gardening, playing in the dirt, picking apples, etc. Their mother was divorced about a year ago, and moved back in with her parents with the kids. When my wife and I drop in, the kids run at us wanting hugs and bursting with news of what happened at school, and their mother and her parents do lots of stuff for us.

Just reading of your experience gives me hope. It is said that caring for children reminds us of our own childhood. For several years I was a "sub-dude" (substitute teacher), in a long line of schooling.

Bob, as for therapy, I'm all over the 'net!

 

[lisab]

My sister-in-law got the dreaded, "When are you expecting?" when she wasn't expecting anything, least of all that question.

 

[Moonbear]

My sister-in-law got the dreaded, "When are you expecting?" when she wasn't expecting anything, least of all that question.

That happened between two of my coworkers a little while back. One of them has really put on a LOT of weight since she got married, and a lot of it around her abdomen. The other one doesn't usually have reason to see her that often, and when she did see her again, jumped to the wrong conclusion about a lot of weight gain after getting married and exclaimed, "Nobody told me you were pregnant! Congratulations!" It was a little uncomfortable for both of them after that.

 

[BobG]

"Have you been in therapy?"

During first telephone conversation with someone you're interested in dating.

So how did that date go?

Reasonably well. Well enough to be worth a couple more dates, anyway.

Which reminds me, this pickup line has a 100% success rate. Granted, sample size is a little small.

Let's spin counter-clockwise, thereby robbing the Earth of some of its angular momentum and slowing it's rotation, and making our night together last just a little bit longer.

 

[DaveC426913]

That happened between two of my coworkers a little while back.

Happened to my wife.


My wife was a medical secretary in a hospital where high-risk pregnancies are handled. We had two teenaged kids.

She was on a foray to another doctor’s office down the hall with a handful of charts and was accosted by a nurse saying “Oh dear, you mustn’t wander off like this! You’re a high-risk. Have you been seen yet? When are you due?”

Virginia stammered and started to say “No, I’m not…” but was interrupted. The nurse took her by the arm and, gesturing at her belly, asked “How long has it been since you’ve felt any foetal movement?”

My wife, regaining her composure, managed a wry grin. “Oh, about thirteen years.”

Horror flashed over the nurse’s face, followed by suspicion and finally an apologetic smile - as she retreated down the hall to find her missing patient.

 

[Proton Soup]

"Have you been in therapy?"

During first telephone conversation with someone you're interested in dating.

was it something you said?

hopefully the questions about STDs didn't start until at least the 2nd date.

 

[humanino]

I used to have a "best friend". When I moved to the US, my girlfriend back in Europe and him slept together on several occasions. After all this was over, and a few months elapsed, I finally agreed to meet with him again, at his own insistence. The most rude suggestion I underwent came from him : "I preferred the previous one. You should stick to red hair". At first I thought I would blow up. Instead, I kept cool, I looked at him deep in the eyes and answered "I'm glad". Not that it really mattered anyway, because I have not really talked to him ever since, not even to mention meet. It's amazing how some people can change.

 

[DaveC426913]

I used to have a "best friend". When I moved to the US, my girlfriend back in Europe and him slept together on several occasions.

Wait. You mean your ex-girlfriend, right?

 

[Moonbear]

The nurse took her by the arm and, gesturing at her belly, asked “How long has it been since you’ve felt any foetal movement?”

My wife, regaining her composure, managed a wry grin. “Oh, about thirteen years.”

Oh, the moments you wish you could capture on film!

I used to have a "best friend". When I moved to the US, my girlfriend back in Europe and him slept together on several occasions. After all this was over, and a few months elapsed, I finally agreed to meet with him again, at his own insistence. The most rude suggestion I underwent came from him : "I preferred the previous one. You should stick to red hair". At first I thought I would blow up. Instead, I kept cool, I looked at him deep in the eyes and answered "I'm glad". Not that it really mattered anyway, because I have not really talked to him ever since, not even to mention meet. It's amazing how some people can change.

Ouch! That's one of those moments when the right response just never comes to mind at the time you mean it. Something like, "Thank you so much for taking them off my hands, I thought I'd never get rid of them!" would have been so much more suitable.

 

[BobG]

was it something you said?

Of course not! I only say suave, clever things. For evidence, I refer you to this post: https://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=2343690&postcount=10

 

[Loren Booda]

One of my bosses, having agreed to pay me over a couple of weeks for my previously volunteer work, told me afterward: "You work better when you're not paid."

 

[mcknia07]

I get asked alot, "When are you going to get a boyfriend?" All my friends try to set me up on dates, they are complete fails, LOL

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

It sort of annoys me when people tell me that I ought to talk more or smile more. It seems these are the few ways in which it is considered ok to tell another adult, who is not infringing upon you in anyway, how to behave.

 

[WhoWee]

How about "are you still married"?

 

[WhoWee]

I'm guilty of telling new employees that "Money isn't a motivator..." - I love it when they agree.

 

[Evo]

I think one of the weirdest comments was from a co-worker when I announced my engagement years ago. She asked "is it someone you know?" I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that, but she was an airhead.

 

[Moonbear]

I think one of the weirdest comments was from a co-worker when I announced my engagement years ago. She asked "is it someone you know?" I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that, but she was an airhead.

You should send that to Bill Engvall; he could add it to his "Here's Your Sign" routine.

 

[mcknia07]

You should send that to Bill Engvall; he could add it to his "Here's Your Sign" routine.

That would be a perfect one

 

[muppet]

I think one of the weirdest comments was from a co-worker when I announced my engagement years ago. She asked "is it someone you know?" I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that, but she was an airhead.

 

[turbo]

I think one of the weirdest comments was from a co-worker when I announced my engagement years ago. She asked "is it someone you know?" I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that, but she was an airhead.

You know what is so sad about that comment? In some parts of the world, it would be an entirely appropriate question for an acquaintance to ask.

When I was a process chemist, a senior engineer stunned us all by announcing that he was taking vacation time to go home to India and get married. He had never met his bride-to-be.

 

[DaveC426913]

You know what is so sad about that comment?
... He had never met his bride-to-be.

It is not in-and-of-itself sad unless it is against the will of one or both of of the participants. We in the West don't necessarily understand this practice...

 

[lisab]

It is not in-and-of-itself sad unless it is against the will of one or both of of the participants. We in the West don't necessarily understand this practice...

Right. I think people who grow up in that kind of culture have different expectations from marriage.

 

[DaveC426913]

Right. I think people who grow up in that kind of culture have different expectations from marriage.

No, that's self-centric. I think people who grow up in this kind of culture have different expectations from marriage.

 

[muppet]

It is not in-and-of-itself sad unless it is against the will of one or both of of the participants. We in the West don't necessarily understand this practice...

It's a problem a friend of mine has to deal with as she's from Sri Lanka. She finds the prospect terrifying. People are, however, under enormous social pressure to conform to the custom and respect their parent's wishes. They'll go along with it "voluntarily", but for me it fails the acid test: "would I marry this person if my parents hadn't arranged it, and I wasn't expected to say yes?" It may well be that people do have different expectations of marriage; but if the wish is genuinely on the part of the person getting married, then you'd expect that they'd choose their partner by the same criteria as their parents do if they were given the choice. There's additional complications because there's limited dignity of labour and massively skewed distributions of wealth, so wheras someone in the west who wants to escape their parents' financial control over them is in fact expected to do so and get a job, it's much harder for a girl to make her way in the world independently in some of the countries where these practices are prevalent.

 

[muppet]

Anyway, although this has the potential to lead us down some fascinating byways about the extent to which ethics can be independent of prevailing cultural norms... I think we're at risk of derailing a pretty light-hearted thread.

My own offerings to get the thread back on-topic:
"Would you like to read this pamphlet?" (when the pamphlet explains to me why I'm going to fry for eternity)

It irritates me that WaterAid keep asking me to increase my monthly donation. I'm a student, I don't pay tax for them to reclaim, and I wish they wouldn't waste my money on writing me letters asking me for more money.

I'd also echo mcknia07's comment above: the version I get off my mum is "When are you going to find a nice young lady?" I don't have the problem of my friends trying to set me up, though- my close guy friends are almost all grumpier old men at heart than I am, who know fewer women than I do

UPDATE: I now have one more female friend!

 

[lisab]

No, that's self-centric. I think people who grow up in this kind of culture have different expectations from marriage.

Of course it's self-centric. There is no "true" culture...a culture that is the Northern Star of all human societies. All of us have a cultural bias.

That can probably said of most posts in GD.

 

[lisab]

Anyway, although this has the potential to lead us down some fascinating byways about the extent to which ethics can be independent of prevailing cultural norms... I think we're at risk of derailing a pretty light-hearted thread.

You're right, muppet .

 

[GeorginaS]

The one I used to get most often was, "How come you two don't have kids?" given that I was in a long-term, live-in relationship. (14 years total, but I was asked at various times throughout.) Or, "When will you two have kids?" When I said, "Well, we don't because I can't", then they'd want more detail, which I didn't think it was really appropriate for people to ask me about my reproductive issues and why mine didn't function.

I had another one and now I can't remember it.

 

[Huckleberry]

My mother has threatened to get me a mail-order-bride. I think she's only half kidding. I get the impression that I owe her grandchildren. I see disappointment on the horizon. Sorry Mom.

 

[Moonbear]

I get the impression that I owe her grandchildren. I see disappointment on the horizon. Sorry Mom.

That's a problem best deflected to siblings. If you don't have siblings, then tell her it's her own fault for making you grow up an only child and not having a back-up plan of how to acquire grandchildren.

 

[GeorginaS]

That's a problem best deflected to siblings. If you don't have siblings, then tell her it's her own fault for making you grow up an only child and not having a back-up plan of how to acquire grandchildren.

Oh yeah, sure. And when your back-up plan is siblings and they're gay, and that doesn't fit into their plans, then what do you do?

 

[Office_Shredder]

Go double-gay

 

[Huckleberry]

That's a problem best deflected to siblings. If you don't have siblings, then tell her it's her own fault for making you grow up an only child and not having a back-up plan of how to acquire grandchildren.

My sister has two beautiful girls. They live a few hours drive from my parents place so their grandma gets to see them occassionally. My brother doesn't have any children, but he's only 25. He's got plenty of time if that's what he wants to do. I left home when he was 8 so I don't know him too well, but I would say he's not a family guy either. I guess Moms will have to settle for 2.

 

[DaveC426913]

My sister has two beautiful girls. They live a few hours drive from my parents place so their grandma gets to see them occassionally. My brother doesn't have any children, but he's only 25. He's got plenty of time if that's what he wants to do. I left home when he was 8 so I don't know him too well, but I would say he's not a family guy either. I guess Moms will have to settle for 2.

My parents figured 5 were enough to assure lots of grandchildren. One will never get married, one will never have kids, one (me) acquired step-kids instead. We're all too old for any surprises now. Lucky 2 out of the 5 paid off though...

 

[Huckleberry]

My parents figured 5 were enough to assure lots of grandchildren. One will never get married, one will never have kids, one (me) acquired step-kids instead. We're all too old for any surprises now. Lucky 2 out of the 5 paid off though...

My grandmother had 8 children. One died as an infant. Her children combined have had 7 children, 3 of which were from my mother. All of her grandchildren are old enough to have children, but she only has 2 great-grandchildren, my sister's kids. Moms just got to get used to the idea that people are having less children these days. It's time to find something new to nag their kids about.

edit- I lied. I have a cousin who is about 3 years old, my uncle's kid. I think of her more like a niece than a cousin. It slipped my mind

 

[drizzle]

“are you not married yet?!” I get that a lot, what’s worse is when one insist on guessing why, come up with possible reasons and start to make up stories just to let follow and speak out to please her curiosity……urghhh, that just does it for me, you wouldn’t like to see how the person’s face look like after [STRIKE]10[/STRIKE] 5 mins of the talk!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Having returned to school in my late twenties, I got very little support from some family and friends. One common question was along the lines of: Why are you going to waste your time going back to school?

This goes back to a great secret that I discovered about life: Most people do not want to see or hear about you succeeding. Some will even do their best to drag you down.

Success is mostly a solitary experience. Illegitimi non carborundum

 

[Andre]

I'm patiently awaiting the day that I can make all those blush, who assert that I'm a 'denier' with 'an agenda'.

 

[muppet]

I'm patiently awaiting the day that I can make all those blush, who assert that I'm a 'denier' with 'an agenda'.

*Sits and lists things that people aren't allowed to deny*

 

[DaveC426913]

This goes back to a great secret that I discovered about life: Most people do not want to see or hear about you succeeding. Some will even do their best to drag you down.

My wife's parents were like this (when they were alive). She has struggled with their voices in her head all her adult life.

 

[muppet]

My wife's parents were like this (when they were alive). She has struggled with their voices in her head all her adult life.

Is it sad that I don't actually find that that suprising? I'm not quite sure why- maybe because I'm reading Great Expectations at the minute...
I think some parents have difficulty letting go and acknowledging that their "child" is no longer anything of the sort.

 

[DaveC426913]

I think some parents have difficulty letting go and acknowledging that their "child" is no longer anything of the sort.

Alas, it was worse than that. They were critical of their children when they were still children. They were pretty miserable and dysfunctional parents from the get-go.

 

[muppet]

Having returned to school in my late twenties, I got very little support from some family and friends. One common question was along the lines of: Why are you going to waste your time going back to school?

This goes back to a great secret that I discovered about life: Most people do not want to see or hear about you succeeding. Some will even do their best to drag you down.

Success is mostly a solitary experience. Illegitimi non carborundum

Either you're unlucky or I'm lucky. My friends often have more confidence in me to succeed than I do in myself.

 

[muppet]

Alas, it was worse than that. They were critical of their children when they were still children. They were pretty miserable and dysfunctional parents from the get-go.

That is sad. One of my housemates still carries the scars of how his mum reacted to getting cancer. His father smoked and she hadn't, and the resulting bitterness nearly destroyed their marriage. He would get upset and tell them to stop shouting, and would be told in response to "**** off and die", which is a phrase he now uses repeatedly when drunk and upset about something.

There's a famous poem by Philip Larkin that PF rules prevent me from reproducing here