Science Jokes

Njorl
Science Advisor
245
10
enigma said:
A large diplomatic delegation from Poland gets on a plane to go to a UN conference. The plane takes off normally, and everything seems fine during takeoff. Five minutes into the flight, however, the plane starts flying erratically, inverts, and crashes killing everyone onboard. The investigators analyzing the crash are dumbfounded since everything seemed to be in order with the aircraft. Eventually, they bring the problem to a contol engineer who immediately recognizes the problem: "It's simple really... you had poles in the right half of the plane!"

... lets see how many get it.

Even if they had worked around the poles, I'm sure there would have been nothing left but sum residue.

Njorl
 
65
0
enigma said:
I don't get this one, and I didn't get the math party one... I'm sure its a pun of some sort, but it's escaping me.
Nope not a pun. [itex]e^x.[/itex] is a constant function as far as a function of z is concerned.
 
enigma
Staff Emeritus
Science Advisor
Gold Member
1,737
9
Ah. So it wasn't funny.
 
65
0
Tough crowd.
 
105
0
A mathematician and an engineer are asked how they would make tea when all their cups were dirty. Engineer says: "I would clean the cups, then boil water and so on", mathematician says the same.
Afterwards they're asked again how to make tea, but with clean cups this time. Engineer says: "Hm? Well, I'd just boil water, throw tea leaves in, that's it." The mathematician says: "I would first dirty the cups and then apply solution 1."
 
567
3
Perspectives of the world:

Optomist- the glass is half full.
pessimist- the glass is half empty.
fatalist-the water will evaporate.
existentialist- the glass is.
feminist- all glasses are equal.
narcissist-look at me in the water!
polygamist-the more glasses the merrier.
evangelist-the glass must repent.
socialist-share the glass.
capitalist-sell the glass.
anarchist- break the glass.
psychologist- How does the water feel about the glass?
 
567
3
kuengb said:
Shortest mathematics joke:
[tex]\varepsilon < 0 [/tex]
with the even more excessive versions
[tex]\varepsilon \ll 0 [/tex]
and
[tex]\varepsilon \rightarrow - \infty [/tex]

[?] :smile: [?] [?] Probably only a few will laugh, but those who do are really worth it!
what does that mean??? :confused:
 
True story (from m8's school):

A kid @ GCSE Maths exam goes in gets on scribbling his answers down furiously.
The thing is though, he's answering the formulae-book that comes along with the question paper!

Do you know how he found out? Nearing the end of the exam he puts his hand up and calls one of the teachers over to him. He whispers to the teacher "...I'm stuck with this question...can u help?..."
 
916
0
This is a salesman that is in the train station and see that Einstein is there with a clock in his hand. Then the salesman thinks: Ah, so Einstein must have been doing some of the experiments that he explains in his books, those that try to demonstrate the constancy of c by measuring how it travels from the front to the back of a wagon and such.
Out of curiosity, the salesman goes to meet Einstein, and finds that he is very upset. The salesman asks to him: Hi, sir, have you been able to measure the lenght contraction of trains in your experiment?
Then Einstein answers: No, I had all prepared and was going to perform the experiment, but suddenly a lightning has fallen on the clock and now the damned doesn't work
 
Last edited:
17
1
Since this also seems to be a good place for bad math jokes and the like, remember that [tex]\frac{sin x}{n} = 6[/tex]
 
33
0
I think nobody has mentioned it yet:

www.physlink.com - some jokes (even good) can be found

P.S. Probably everyone knows this site and I'm just making idiot of myself at the moment
 
Njorl
Science Advisor
245
10
Matt-235 said:
Since this also seems to be a good place for bad math jokes and the like, remember that [tex]\frac{sin x}{n} = 6[/tex]
It took me a depressingly long time to get this :redface:

Njorl
 
33
0
Njorl said:
It took me a depressingly long time to get this :redface:

Njorl
I still can't get it - can I please explanation
 
jimmy p
Gold Member
347
31
its a silly little thing. If you remove the 'n' from sinx then you are left with 'six'. I had to do a double take when i read it.
 
Gokul43201
Staff Emeritus
Science Advisor
Gold Member
6,987
14
Heisenberg is racing down the autobahn, when a cop pulls him over for speeding.

"Do you know how fast you were driving, Sir ?", the cop asks him.

Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know where I am."
 
Ivan Seeking
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I used to drive a Heisenberg. They came with either a speedometer or an odometer.
 
105
0
Ivan Seeking said:
I used to drive a Heisenberg. They came with either a speedometer or an odometer.
And with either a watch or a fuelmeter.
 
Gokul43201
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Science Advisor
Gold Member
6,987
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Graffiti in a classroom used for a college calculus class :

" 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1 "
 
567
3
You Might be a Physics Major...
...if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.

...if you enjoy pain.

...if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

...if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."

...if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

...if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.

...if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

...if you frequently whistle the theme song to "The X-Files."

...if you always do homework on Saturday nights.

...if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.

...if you think in "math."

...if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.

...if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.

...if you have a pet named after a scientist.

...if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

...if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.

...if you can translate English into Binary.

...if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."

...if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.

...if you are completely addicted to caffeine.

...if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

...if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."

...if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

...if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.

...if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

...if you understood more than five of these indicators.

….if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
 
36
0
this page has some good ones

http://www.juliantrubin.com/physicsjokes.html

i particularly like:

When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident. "I really can't remember," the snail replied. "You see, it all happened so fast."

------------------------

Rene Descartes sits down for lunch at a Parisian restaurant. The waitress asks for his order. He orders a hamburger.
The waitress inquires, "Would you like fries with that? " Descartes says, "I think not," ...and instantly disappears.

-----------------------------

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am."


-----------------
 
BobG
Science Advisor
Homework Helper
110
80
36 squared? The sum of (x + y + z) squared, of course.

I remember a story my dad used to tell at parties about a salesman and a mathematician riding next to each other on a train.

They passed a stockyard filled with cattle and the salesman exclaimed, “Wow, I’ve never seen so many cows in all my life! There must be thousands in that stockyard!”.

The mathematician turns to him and says, “Actually, there’s 7,458 cows in that stockyard.”

“How’d you count all of those cows, so fast?”, the salesman asked.

“Easy, I counted their legs and divided by 4”, replied the mathematician.

My dad was a little hard to read, since he always had such a serious look on his face no matter what, so people would look at him a little uncertain for a second, and finally reply, “Oh, that’s clever.” I guess that works whether he’s showing them a clever method of counting cows or telling them a really joke.

Well, me, I’m a just a kid, at the time. If the adults at the party can’t tell if he’s serious or joking, how am I supposed to tell. I had a tendency to repeat things like that around the neighborhood thinking I was showing off how smart I was. Which other kids in the neighborhood were quick sense was total rubbish.

And, hence the great cow counting challenge was staged. Unfortunately, we lived in the city. The only cow in the neighborhood was the picture of Elsie on the billboard outside the Borden dairy plant. No matter.

The smart-aleck girl from next door and I met (with the proper witnesses) down by the billboard ready to settle the best way of counting cows.

The kind of cute (in an intellectual sort of way) girl with the glasses from down the street yelled, “Go!”

Almost instantly, both of us contestants finished counting Elsie, with the smart aleck girl screaming “One!” just a thousandth of a second after I shouted “Zero!”

You see, the billboard only showed Elsie’s head, so there were no legs to count. And I ask you, who was closest to the right answer? What’s the purpose of a cow if not to give beef or milk and how can you get a steak from just a cow’s head. And how are you going to get milk from Elsie's head? Tell her jokes til milk comes out her nose? I’m thinking that’s going to take awhile, especially if all’s you know are math jokes.
 
Njorl
Science Advisor
245
10
Two physicists are flying in their hot air ballon and get lost. They drift low to the ground and see a man. One shouts out, "Where are we?" to which the man on the ground responds, "You're in a balloon."

The other physicist then asks, "Are you a mathematician?", to which the man on the ground answrs "Yes."

As they float off, the first physicist asks, "How did you know he was a mathematician?". The other responds, "Well, he was completely accurate, and completely useless."

Njorl
 
567
3
Physics songs anyone?
http://www.dctech.com/physics/humor/songs.php#solong
The first song is by Feyman!

Other jokes from: http://www.physlink.com/Fun/Jokes.cfm

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side. (credit: Tom Gregg)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads. (credit: Muhammad Ahmed)


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A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'


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Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says 'I'll have what he's having.' (credit: Jeff Nastasi)


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Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'


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Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says 'sir can I get you a martini 'Descartes says 'I don't think...' and he disappears (credit: OCROWLEY101)


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Where does bad light end up? Answer: In a prism! (credit: Gary Lisica)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
W hy did the chicken cross the road? Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.


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There is this farmer who is having problems with his chickens. All of the sudden, they are all getting very sick and he doesn't know what is wrong with them. After trying all conventional means, he calls a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. So the biologist looks at the chickens, examines them a bit, and says he has no clue what could be wrong with them. Then the chemist takes some tests and makes some measurements, but he can't come to any conclusions either. So the physicist tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, 'I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum.'
 
jimmy p
Gold Member
347
31
A science graduate asks: "Why does it work?"

An engineering graduate asks: "How does it work?"

An accounting graduate asks: "How much does it cost?"

An arts graduate asks: "Do you want fries with that?"
 
Gokul43201
Staff Emeritus
Science Advisor
Gold Member
6,987
14
A hardware guy, a software guy and a sales rep of a big computer company are driving to a meeting, when the car suddenly stops. The software guy suggests that they shut down and restart, 'cause that usually fixes the problem. The hardware guy suggests they swap drivers. The sales rep decides that it's time to buy a new car.

A passing Linux programmer see the trouble and smashes all the glass in the car with his baseball bat. Before the stunned passengers can react he asks the driver to try starting the car again. The car starts up just fine this time.

Moral : "Just get rid of Windows, and you'll be okay"
 

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