What Did Mom Say About the Chainsaw and Arthritis?

[Ivan Seeking]

This morning, while I was getting ready to go out and run the chainsaw for a few hours, Tsu was talking with my mother on the phone.

On my way out the door I said to Tsu, "tell mom I'm whining because I have to run the chainsaw and my arthritis is acting up".

Later I learned that mom's response was: "Tell him to put Ben Gay on the parts that are getting old and don't work any more".

I did hear Tsu respond by yelling out to me: "She says to put Ben Gay on your penis!"

Okay, that was good.

 

[dav2008]

Well did you?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

No, but I am taking a second look at that Billy Goat Weed.

 

[Math Is Hard]

When I first started reading this I was thinking, "now why would she suggest putting Ben Gay on the chain saw?"

 

[Danger]

No, but I am taking a second look at that Billy Goat Weed.

I have 2, but for now I'll just tell the one that 99.5% of the people that I mention it to don't understand. That's the great thing about PF; you'll all get it.
I used to belong to an SF club. Although I was 23 at the time, my 3 best friends were two 17 year-olds and one who was 15 (little bastard did calculus in his head ). Another member of the club was the manager of a theatre, and he arranged a private club viewing of 'The Muppet Movie' when it was still new. The mall that the theatre was in had a defective roof, and it was just pissing down rain.
As we were standing in line waiting for the previous audience to leave, one of the 17 y-o kids was standing beside me. A puddle was forming on the carpet at our feet. He looked down, puzzled, then visually traced the stream up to the ceiling. The water was dripping off of the bulb in a pot light. He stared at it for a second, then turned to me and said, "Hmmm... liquified electrons."

 

[Mk]

She says to put Ben Gay on your penis!

Oh, so this thread is about you telling us your penis doesn't work?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Well, if that's what makes you happy...

 

[Danger]

Our happiness is not at issue. Let's hear from Tsu.

 

[arunbg]

Since when did aliens start have penises ?

 

[SimplySolitary_]

"Hmmm... liquified electrons."

Funniest thing I've heard in a long time...!

 

[Artman]

Your wife wants you to place something "gay" on your penis?

 

[Danger]

Is everyone else as surprised as I am that Arildno hasn't shown up yet?

 

[Math Is Hard]

Is everyone else as surprised as I am that Arildno hasn't shown up yet?

Now that you mention it.. yeah. *shrug* So much for gaydar.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

OurLet's hear from Tsu.

Abuse like this is the reason I married her.

...the subject was good one-liners.

Did you hear about the iron worker who walked into a bar?

 

[moose]

...the subject was good one-liners.

Yes, yes it is. But then you say this...

Did you hear about the iron worker who walked into a bar?

Actually, that game me a chuckle...

 

[Hurkyl]

The gag in the opening post isn't even a one-liner! It required several lines of setup!

 

[Danger]

Since no one else seems to have anything, I'll relate my second one... which due to my being a dirty old man, is my favourite.
On my last bartending job, the manager was a friend who had worked as a bartender/waitress at the cowboy bar where I was before. One of her best friends came to work for her. She was (and still is) an incredibly beautiful lady who I ignored for several years in the previous place because she sort of looked like the kind of airhead woman who thinks that her **** don't stink. The first time that I worked with her, it immediately became clear that she was very intelligent and one of the nicest people that I've ever met. We're still very good friends. She was in her early 30's, divorced, with 3 kids, and looked about 23. Now, at over 40, you'd swear that she wasn't over 30. (Must have some Evo genes.)
Anyhow, it was our custom, when we were both working day shift, to sit at the serving end of the bar and have a couple of beers together. If any of you have any experience with pop dispensers, you know that when the syrup tank or the CO2 tank goes low, the nozzle sputters like a Gatling gun. We were sitting there while the night bartender was pouring a rye Coke for someone. The tank blew, and we both got sprayed. The bartender was shocked, and immediately started apologizing to both of us. Her last sentence was, "I don't know... I thought this thing was empty, and it just went off again!"
Without a second of hesitation, Leslie said, "Hmmpphhh... tell me about it. That's how I ended up with twins."

edit: Sorry. I've been watching TV. I just now noticed that others posted after MIH. (Not that I missed much.)

 

[Math Is Hard]

Her last sentence was, "I don't know... I thought this thing was empty, and it just went off again!"
Without a second of hesitation, Leslie said, "Hmmpphhh... tell me about it. That's how I ended up with twins."

Priceless!

 

[Artman]

A duck walks into a drug store and says, "Give me some chapstick and put it on my bill."

 

[Math Is Hard]

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

 

[Gokul43201]

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

 

[theCandyman]

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

Hahaha! That is good, have to tell my mother that one.

 

[turbo]

So I say to the the girl with the wooden leg, "Peg, how're you standing it?" and she says "I can't kick."

 

[franznietzsche]

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

Its time for an experiment!

 

[arunbg]

Son : Daddy, why should we go to other people's funerals ?
Dad : Otherwise they won't come to ours .

 

[neutrino]

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That
Cowboy Movie1. "I'm going to pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind.

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread you got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

Technically, they're all one liners.

 

[Tsu]

Our happiness is not at issue. Let's hear from Tsu.

Hey! Yeah! I'M happy! Thanks for your concern!

 

[Astronuc]

"You'er so unhip, I don't know how you bum stays on" - ZB.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Nurse Ferguson: Oh look, I got a copy of the Ten Commandments.
Hawkeye: Really; is it autographed?
-M.A.S.H.-

 

[Artman]

"WKRP the radio station with more music and Les Nesman."

-Johnny Fever WKRP in Cincinatti

 

[heartless]

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

Has anyone tried this one yet?

 

[turbo]

I am trying to butter a cat standing on a piece of toast, with hopes of pitching him off the back deck. No luck yet.

 

[Artman]

I am trying to butter a cat standing on a piece of toast, with hopes of pitching him off the back deck. No luck yet.

Good luck in your endeavour. And remember, if it doesn't work the first time, keep on trying.

-Artman, cat allergy sufferer.

 

[scott_alexsk]

Too close for missiles switching to guns.

 

[Hurkyl]

Has anyone tried this one yet?

It's a trick question. No cat would let you tie anything to it, let alone a buttered piece of toast!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Speaking of WKRP...

"I swear, I thought turkeys could fly".

 

[Astronuc]

Speaking of WKRP...

"I swear, I thought turkeys could fly".

Except when they are de-feathered, beheaded, frozen and/or stuffed.

It's more like falling.

 

[Astronuc]

Pickup and Put down.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the ends of the Earth for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing

 

[Artman]

Taking a short walk of just a few blocks with some friends, I said the classic line, "Are we there yet?"

The two daughters of my friend said in unison, "Yes, get out."

My friend said, "They're well trained."

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Customer walks into a restaurant and says "Give me a BLT, hold the mayo, and step on it".

 

[Ivan Seeking]

"Too many people in Washington are leaking!"

re NY Times disclosure stories about gov spy programs.

 

[Averagesupernova]

Man: I would go to the ends of the Earth for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Nah, that should be:
-
Man: I would go to the ends of the Earth for you.
Woman: You only need to go to one. I'll go to the other.

 

[Astronuc]

Nah, that should be:
-
Man: I would go to the ends of the Earth for you.
Woman: You only need to go to one. I'll go to the other.

Or,

Woman: OK, bye!

or

Woman: OK, how soon can you leave.