Help, I've fallen for an astrophysicst

[Klute]

I am a young woman of 26 who loves astronomy. I am a post graduate art student and have fallen for an astrophysicst I met though my local astronomical society when he came along to star parties or to give talks. He is not generally regarded as handsome and I must admit when I first met him I was not immediately attracted to him but after getting to know him better I saw him with new eyes. He radiates such intelligence, kindness and humility that he has that rarest of qualities, a kind of true beauty which does not diminish with age. He is 33, single and little shy although he always seeks me out to say hello and chat at these events so I think that he does like me a little as a friend at least. He is very clever and holds a post doctoral position at a good university here in the UK. I want so much to know him better but I worry that he may not be satisfied with a woman who could not fully or even partly understand his work. I do not think I am stupid, I was bright at school, I enjoyed science but shone at art and music and studied art at degree level and on to a post graduate degree in fine art which I feel is the correct path for me. I am still actively involved in amateur astronomy and enjoy reading popular science books by writers such as John Gribbin and Roger Penrose. However I could not pretend to have a firm grasp on any of it without the math. I am told I am pretty and I have a decent figure. I am a warm, loving woman who would go to the ends of the Earth for the right man and if I thought that this man would have me I'd give myself to him in a heartbeat. But could a logical scientist be satisfied with an irrational artist? Is that enough to make him happy or do men like that, like you perhaps need a woman who can truly understand their mind? Would I ever be enough for him? Perhaps I should just stop worrying and ask him out? What do you think?

 

[turbo]

Men don't need women to understand everything they do in their work, so don't fret. I am a scientist partly though my past career(s) and partly through current research work. I am also a fairly serious amateur astronomer-astrophotographer. I am also a musician, and for years I hosted weekly open-mike jams at a local tavern - generally blues, rock, and jazz, but I kept it loose. Improvisation with others is a blast. My wife can't carry a tune in a basket, nor does she understand chemistry, optics, or astrophysics. That's OK. She is the love of my life and we have been together for over 35 years. Never let the "right" person fall through the cracks based on preconceptions and self-doubt.

 

[DaveC426913]

Perhaps I should just stop worrying and ask him out? What do you think?

That's what I think. Ask him out.

A good relationship celebrates differences in interests. Worked for me 17 years ago.

But could a logical scientist be satisfied with an irrational artist?

Have you never watched the magic between Dharma and Greg??

 

[DanP]

A good relationship celebrates differences in interests. Worked for me 17 years ago.

I think this really hits the spot. Relationships which I had with women with a very close personality to mine and focused on most of the same interests ended up in a lot of sparks. Imagine dating an opposite sex yourself. Its kinda funny in the beginning ...

Perhaps I should just stop worrying and ask him out? What do you think?

Some common interests are OK though. But you seem you to already have those, you love astronomy for example.

It's really worth to go after him. Ask him out and build up from there, things tend to work out by themselves. Most of the time at least.

 

[mgb_phys]

Some common interests are OK though. But you seem you to already have those, you love astronomy for example.

Remember if he is an astrophysicist he may not know anything about astronomy.

One Cambrige prof described meeting his then girlfriend's family as a young grad student many years ago - they were concerned that he didn't have a proper job when he explained what he did. So the father took him outside to name some stars as a test, the guy worked on the microwave background and could just about recognise the moon.
Apparenlty it took a few letters from his own prof and head of the dept to convince the father that he wasn't a fraud!

 

[Evo]

Ask him out and stop worrying. You are looking for a romantic relationship not an academic collaboration. You sound like a nice person.

 

[DanP]

One Cambrige prof described meeting his then girlfriend's family as a young grad student many years ago - they were concerned that he didn't have a proper job when he explained what he did. So the father took him outside to name some stars as a test, the guy worked on the microwave background and could just about recognise the moon.
Apparenlty it took a few letters from his own prof and head of the dept to convince the father that he wasn't a fraud!

Excellent story man , Ill make sure to remember this for further use. Full credits will be given to you

 

[Moonbear]

An astrophysicist?! Oh no! Run!

Just kidding.

Just remember, when normal couples go out to gaze at the stars, he's actually going to want to point out specific stars, constellations, planets, satellites, get out the telescope for a closer look, etc. It won't be the romantic staring at the sky as an excuse to cuddle up you're expecting.

Otherwise, have fun and enjoy!

 

[mgb_phys]

AJust remember, when normal couples go out to gaze at the stars,

Isn't that a Gamov story? he's out with a girl and she says aren't the stars beautiful and he replies, yes - and I'm the only person in the world that knows why they shine.

 

[turbo]

I just took Duke out for a walk, saw a few meteors (North to South, so likely straggler Leonids) and got a wonderful view of the 7 sisters, and saw Cygnus flying along the dark rift in the Milky Way. My knowledge of this stuff did not in any way detract from our nice walk, though Duke stopped short when a coyote let out a long mournful wail from not too deep in the woods. There was a pretty heavy critter (likely a deer) breaking branches and shuffling through the leaves running parallel to my West property line. Duke wanted to follow that noise but I'm not one for crashing through the woods in pitch-blackness just for fun.

To the OP, you can have a lot of fun together even if you and your significant other do not fully appreciate one another's knowledge. Go for it!

 

[lisab]

Klute, what will you regret more at some distant time in your future: that you asked him out, or that you didn't?

It's hard living with regret for some thing you did. But in my experience, it's much harder to live with regret for things you *didn't* do...this kind just seems to linger and linger.

So do it, ask him out.

 

[DanP]

It's hard living with regret for some thing you did. But in my experience, it's much harder to live with regret for things you *didn't* do...this kind just seems to linger and linger.
.

One of my fav quotes, I think I already posted it once in a similar thread on this board:

********************************************************************
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the tradewinds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Mark Twain
********************************************************************

 

[Klute]

Thank you all for your sage advice and encouragement. Honestly I have never felt about anyone or anything the way I do about this man and I think I just find it, perhaps childishly a bit scary but thrilling as well. I should see him at an event later this week so with any luck I should have a chance to speak to him and I can suggest doing something together soon

Wish me luck!

P.S. While his field of professional study is specific, he still loves good old fashioned observing!

 

[turbo]

Thank you all for your sage advice and encouragement. Honestly I have never felt about anyone or anything the way I do about this man and I think I just find it, perhaps childishly a bit scary but thrilling as well. I should see him at an event later this week so with any luck I should have a chance to speak to him and I can suggest doing something together soon

Wish me luck!

Good luck!

 

[Evo]

Thank you all for your sage advice and encouragement. Honestly I have never felt about anyone or anything the way I do about this man and I think I just find it, perhaps childishly a bit scary but thrilling as well. I should see him at an event later this week so with any luck I should have a chance to speak to him and I can suggest doing something together soon

Wish me luck!

P.S. While his field of professional study is specific, he still loves good old fashioned observing!

Good luck! Just don't blow it the way I did with one of my ex boyfriends. We met online first. I was intrigued by who this man was, he never gave me a name. Finaly after 3 days he wrote me "my name is XXX, google me". HOLY CRAP! Three hours later I was still reading articles about him. He was the LORD HIGH MUCKETY MUCK of Academia in the United States, and in the world in his field. And from one of the richest families. I was so in awe, that even after he flew me up to stay with him, I was so in awe, I was a mess. Had fun going through his museums though. Don't blow it like I did.

 

[Klute]

Good luck! Just don't blow it the way I did with one of my ex boyfriends. We met online first. I was intrigued by who this man was, he never gave me a name. Finaly after 3 days he wrote me "my name is XXX, google me". HOLY CRAP! Three hours later I was still reading articles about him. He was the LORD HIGH MUCKETY MUCK of Academia in the United States, and in the world in his field. And from one of the richest families. I was so in awe, that even after he flew me up to stay with him, I was so in awe, I was a mess. Had fun going through his museums though. Don't blow it like I did.

Yikes ... I'll try not to blow it although I am quite a bit in awe of him! I think it helps that we already know each other in the flesh so to speak.

Sounds like quite an encounter you had with your scholarly gentleman!

 

[lisab]

One of my fav quotes, I think I already posted it once in a similar thread on this board:

********************************************************************
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the tradewinds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Mark Twain
********************************************************************

Ah snap...Mark Twain said it better than I did...go figure!

But yes, Dan, I agree...that's truly *great* advice.

 

[Evo]

Yikes ... I'll try not to blow it although I am quite a bit in awe of him! I think it helps that we already know each other in the flesh so to speak.

Sounds like quite an encounter you had with your scholarly gentleman!

We dated for quite awhile, but I could never get past who he was, and unfortunately, neither could he. He actually called himself the Lord High Muckety Muck. He had quite an ego. Hopefully your guy isn't as self absorbed.

 

[turbo]

Yikes ... I'll try not to blow it although I am quite a bit in awe of him! I think it helps that we already know each other in the flesh so to speak.

Sounds like quite an encounter you had with your scholarly gentleman!

Tone down the awe and just have some fun. Adoration is quite intimidating to some men (and some women). I hooked up with a very attractive statuesque blonde in college and our first "date" was a foray out to the university's pastures to see the cows. We had snagged a few apples from supper at the commons and she had never seen cows up close before. I made sure that we got well up the narrow gap between the cow-pasture and the sheep-pasture before getting the cows' attention, and the cows practically stampeded us (lots of cows + few apples = race for the prize). The cows only came to a stop inches from the fence, huffing and blowing green grassy spit all over us as they claimed their prizes. She was scared to death, then elated and pumped at the "adventure", and told all her friends about it.

She was the daughter of a Harvard professor, from a rather well-to-do family. When I took her to my family's modest home for a weekend outing, the first story she told my mother was about the cows. She was an art-history major and I was an engineering student - we didn't talk academics much.

 

[DaveC426913]

Now, having said all that ...

...I have never felt about anyone or anything the way I do about this man...

Don't set up big expectations that a real person and/or date may not be able to live up to.

 

[DanP]

We dated for quite awhile, but I could never get past who he was, and unfortunately, neither could he. He actually called himself the Lord High Muckety Muck. He had quite an ego. Hopefully your guy isn't as self absorbed.

What car was he driving ? I am kinda curious what is the choice of a rich spoiled academia man =)

 

[Evo]

What car was he driving ? I am kinda curious what is the choice of a rich spoiled academia man =)

A 10 year old Subaru station wagon. He was quite eccentric. That was something I loved about him. Here is this GOD of SCIENCE. He had a lifesize lucite statue of him in the Smithsonian from when he was chosen to be the icon of "The American Scientist", and he picks me up in a battered station wagon, I *loved it*.

I don't know if the air conditioning worked, we drove with the windows down, then stopped at the liquor store and he bought $900 of wine for the week, just everyday stuff. He made the most awesome coffee I've ever had, in a beat up aluminum pot on top of the stove.

 

[DanP]

A 10 year old Subaru station wagon. He was quite eccentric.

Eccentric indeed. Driving with windows open beats AC any time of the day, at any speed :P

 

[jtbell]

My wife's field is German literature, and she never studied physics at all in high school or college, let alone experimental high-energy particle physics, which is what I did in grad school. Nevertheless she didn't have any trouble "catching" me.

 

[Borek]

Whose was the idea of starting a new subforum for such cases?

Definitely ask him, although...

we already know each other in the flesh so to speak

Perhaps my English fails me (won't be for the first time) but it sounds like your relatioship is already past 'asking' stage

 

[DanP]

Perhaps my English fails me (won't be for the first time) but it sounds like your relatioship is already past 'asking' stage

With "in flesh" she means she was acquainted with him personally, face to face, not that she slept with him.

 

[BobG]

One of my fav quotes, I think I already posted it once in a similar thread on this board:

********************************************************************
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the tradewinds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Mark Twain
********************************************************************

Mark Twain's wisdom always amazes me! His selection of 20 years, for example. Simply brilliant, since the result of what you did should be graduating and moving out of the house by then.

 

[Dembadon]

I am a young woman of 26 who loves astronomy. I am a post graduate art student and have fallen for an astrophysicst I met though my local astronomical society when he came along to star parties or to give talks. He is not generally regarded as handsome and I must admit when I first met him I was not immediately attracted to him but after getting to know him better I saw him with new eyes. He radiates such intelligence, kindness and humility that he has that rarest of qualities, a kind of true beauty which does not diminish with age. He is 33, single and little shy although he always seeks me out to say hello and chat at these events so I think that he does like me a little as a friend at least. He is very clever and holds a post doctoral position at a good university here in the UK. I want so much to know him better but I worry that he may not be satisfied with a woman who could not fully or even partly understand his work. I do not think I am stupid, I was bright at school, I enjoyed science but shone at art and music and studied art at degree level and on to a post graduate degree in fine art which I feel is the correct path for me. I am still actively involved in amateur astronomy and enjoy reading popular science books by writers such as John Gribbin and Roger Penrose. However I could not pretend to have a firm grasp on any of it without the math. I am told I am pretty and I have a decent figure. I am a warm, loving woman who would go to the ends of the Earth for the right man and if I thought that this man would have me I'd give myself to him in a heartbeat. But could a logical scientist be satisfied with an irrational artist? Is that enough to make him happy or do men like that, like you perhaps need a woman who can truly understand their mind? Would I ever be enough for him? Perhaps I should just stop worrying and ask him out? What do you think?

Don't let the fear of rejection rob you of this opportunity. Just by reading your post, I am confident in saying that you are someone any decent man would want to spend time with. You have every reason to be confident.

Sharing similar interests with my spouse is only one part of the foundation of our relationship. Be bold!

 

[Klute]

Hi Everyone,

Just to let you know I spoke to my astrophysicst this evening. I was a little bashful but eventually managed to ask him out. It took a couple of minutes for the penny to drop with him but when it did he seemed pleased and we have a date this weekend!

Thanks for all your help!

 

[Evo]

Hi Everyone,

Just to let you know I spoke to my astrophysicst this evening. I was a little bashful but eventually managed to ask him out. It took a couple of minutes for the penny to drop with him but when it did he seemed pleased and we have a date this weekend!

Thanks for all your help!

Awesome! I hope it goes well!

 

[lisab]

Hi Everyone,

Just to let you know I spoke to my astrophysicst this evening. I was a little bashful but eventually managed to ask him out. It took a couple of minutes for the penny to drop with him but when it did he seemed pleased and we have a date this weekend!

Thanks for all your help!

Congrats ...let us know how it goes!

 

[turbo]

Hi Everyone,

Just to let you know I spoke to my astrophysicst this evening. I was a little bashful but eventually managed to ask him out. It took a couple of minutes for the penny to drop with him but when it did he seemed pleased and we have a date this weekend!

Thanks for all your help!

Yoo-hoo! Good for you! Just have some fun and let things gel over time. Clingy ladies can scare off guys, so just be friends, offer closeness and let him initiate the closer relations. (You'll figure out why this is a good idea from his point of view...) My patrician art-history friend and I used to cuddle up at free film-presentations on campus - old Disney films and short features, 3 stooges, Marx brothers, WC Fields... escapism, mostly. Our favorite animated film was "The Old Mill". We also found lots of common ground with the music of Niel Young, Buffalo Springfield, Hendrix, Cream, and art and photography.

If you have a really good planetarium nearby, that can be a really nice date, too. These days, they often feature really impressive sound-systems and computer graphics. It's not like the old days when you had an analog planetarium projector painting dots of light on the walls with an accompanying lecture.

 

[Moonbear]

Woo hoo, Klute! Good luck and have fun on your date!

 

[rootX]

Congrats! and Good luck!

I have witnessed the first relationship thread on this site where OP took some reasonable action. You are really brave:D

 

[DaveC426913]

...It took a couple of minutes for the penny to drop with him but ...

You had to stick something wet in his ear before he clued in, didn't you?

Astrphysicists...

 

[Nebula815]

Darnit Evo, now you've got me dying to know who this science guy was!

Anyways Klute, glad to hear you got the date, good luck :)

 

[Borek]

Good luck

for the penny to drop with him

After my struggle with the flesh I am afraid to ask what THAT could mean

 

[Equate]

Good luck



After my struggle with the flesh I am afraid to ask what THAT could mean

Here you go:

A "Penny Drop" is a term used by the belligerent people of the middle class society. This word is used to define a situation that arises when a supremely...

- http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Penny Drop






Just kidding!

It means it took him a couple of minutes to "get it".

 

[Klute]

You had to stick something wet in his ear before he clued in, didn't you?

Astrphysicists...

Well I had to ask a couple of times over each time getting less subtle until he finally got it. He went a bit quiet for a second and for an awful moment I thought he was going to say no but then he broke into a big smile and accepted ... phew!

Thanks again everyone for the advice and good wishes. I'm looking forward to it and I guess we can just see how we get on and take it from there but I have a really good feeling about this guy and I'm glad I took the chance to ask him out.

 

[Borek]

Well I had to ask a couple of times over each time getting less subtle until he finally got it. He went a bit quiet for a second and for an awful moment I thought he was going to say no but then he broke into a big smile and accepted ... phew!

I wonder if that means you will have to be bold to push things further.

- Will we meet next week?
- ...can't remember radius of Betelgeuse, but...

 

[arildno]

Remember Klute, that within the mathematical sciences, it is perfectly common that the "next-door colleague" won't be able to understand your work, and vice versa.

He'll be used to being surrounded by people who don't understand his work, and if he is a fairly normal guy, he won't expect you to understand any of it, either.

Not out of a patronizing attitude, but because he knows how much science he himself doesn't understand, and how few really understands his work.

 

[DanP]

Good luck



After my struggle with the flesh I am afraid to ask what THAT could mean

Bend over the table and let her do terrible things to him :P

Just kidding, mainly means "untill he got the idea". You know , like when somebody tell you a joke and you don't get it for the first 10 secs or so.

 

[DanP]

He'll be used to being surrounded by people who don't understand his work, and if he is a fairly normal guy, he won't expect you to understand any of it, either.

.

Well, where I come from, it's a very bad idea for a man to take out a girl on the first date and start to wave stories about the theorems he proved and microwave radiation. Not only he shouldn't expect her to understand the work he does, as you pointed out, but he shouldn't make a conversation out of the details of his work in the first place.

 

[Borek]

You know , like when somebody tell you a joke and you don't get it for the first 10 secs or so.

Ummmm, can you repeat?

 

[DanP]

Ummmm, can you repeat?

Bend over the table and let her do terrible things to him

 

[arildno]

Well, where I come from, it's a very bad idea for a man to take out a girl on the first date and start to wave stories about the theorems he proved and microwave radiation. Not only he shouldn't expect her to understand the work he does, as you pointed out, but he shouldn't make a conversation out of the details of his work in the first place.

I agree.
That doesn't mean, however, that physicists and mathematicians are very good at not slipping into "bad form".

Particularly if they are in the same room together, totally forgetting that there are others in the room, but they start discussing abstruse points only they are passionately interested in.

Klute:

I know quite a few Ph.D's, for none of them is their work "just another way of living", it is also a vocation. (Otherwise, if they hadn't gotten emotional kicks out of their work, the grinding mental work involved in it would have been unbearable).

Thus, if your relationship develops into something you hope for, it might be prudent of you to expect that some of his associates WILL be incorrigible, in that they will start discussing work with your boyfriend, and he will forget himself, leaving you outside feeling silly.

Since these persons might well be some of his best friends, precisely because they are enthusiastic about the same abstrusions, it would be futile of you to try to improve their manners.

 

[DanP]

I agree.
That doesn't mean, however, that physicists and mathematicians are very good at not slipping into "bad form".

Particularly if they are in the same room together, totally forgetting that there are others in the room, but they start discussing abstruse points only they are passionately interested in.

True. I guess in a bigger or lesser quantity we all have this trait in us, after all our passions is what make us "vibrate" and feel alive.

Since these persons might well be some of his best friends, precisely because they are enthusiastic about the same abstrusions, it would be futile of you to try to improve their manners.

This has "The Big Bang theory" written all over it in capital letters. Perhaps if this is the situation, the person which has more social skill in the relation should try to make the other one a little more social savvy. I do *not* mean change the other person, but make him become aware of some social realities.

After all, more often than not, a successful long term relation is a long chain of negotiations. I like to think at the realities emerging from said negotiations not as compromises, but as new things which add value to our lives.

 

[arildno]

This has "The Big Bang theory" written all over it in capital letters. Perhaps if this is the situation, the person which has more social skill in the relation should try to make the other one a little more social savvy. I do *not* mean change the other person, but make him become aware of some social realities.

One thing is to have a legitimate concern over one's own boyfriend's manners, another is to seek to impose them on his friends as well, or come with demands that your boyfriend restrict social interaction with them if they can't "behave".

There are several ways to get around that:

1. When inviting "suspect" friends, always be sure to include OTHER friends you know YOU can concern yourself with and enjoy the company of. That such a party at one time will develop into two zones, the "nerds" and the "non-nerds", will then not be much embarassing for either group.

2. Plan on having a "night's out" for yourself and your friends after dinner, so that your boyfriend&colleague can get into nerd-mode on their own.

 

[DanP]

... another is to seek to impose them on his friends as well, or come with demands that your boyfriend restrict social interaction with them if they can't "behave".

.

Hopefully none will do something like this to his significant other. Its gross and only a control freak could have such demands, IMO.

As you said, there are solutions.

 

[Evo]

Well I had to ask a couple of times over each time getting less subtle until he finally got it. He went a bit quiet for a second and for an awful moment I thought he was going to say no but then he broke into a big smile and accepted ... phew!

Thanks again everyone for the advice and good wishes. I'm looking forward to it and I guess we can just see how we get on and take it from there but I have a really good feeling about this guy and I'm glad I took the chance to ask him out.

Oh, I think this is our first date resulting from our new "relationships" forum!

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