How to Nicely End Romantic Pursuit Without Making Things Awkward?

[honestrosewater]

If you're romantically interested in someone, what can they say to make you completely abandon your pursuit of them but not make future interactions with them awkward? Yes, it's me- one of my brother's friends has taken a liking to me, and nothing I've said seems to have worked.

 

[hypatia]

Tell him you view him like a little brother, and pinch his cheek?

 

[wolram]

If you're romantically interested in someone, what can they say to make you completely abandon your pursuit of them but not make future interactions with them awkward? Yes, it's me- one of my brother's friends has taken a liking to me, and nothing I've said seems to have worked.

Invite him round for dinner, and serve him doughnuts and coke.

 

[Antiphon]

Invite him round for dinner, and serve him doughnuts and coke.

I disagree with this one.

Tell the truth which is almost never told. "You're cool but I don't have those
kinds of feeling for you."

 

[dduardo]

You've got rabies?

 

[Jelfish]

Tell him that you're not interested in men. That way, he'll think it's out of his control and not feel too bad.

You could also say that you're just not interested in a relationship right now. And if you are, you could say that you're seeing someone else (if you haven't already admitted to being single).

It'll probably be difficult to eliminate any feelings of akwardness, since no matter what you say, it'll still be a rejection. Perhaps in light of that you should just do as Antiphon said and be honest. He might appreciate that too.

 

[hypatia]

I'm thinking if you chew up a marshmellow real good and go with the rabies idea, it might work.

 

[zoobyshoe]

...but not make future interactions with them awkward?

This is out of your hands. The greater or lesser awkwardness of future interactions is contingent on how well the person can take the information that you're not interested.

The best you can do is gear your "talk" toward that part of him you feel could handle it the best. What I mean is talk to his adult side, from your adult side. If you can do that, then future interactions should be the least awkward.

 

[quantumdude]

If you're romantically interested in someone, what can they say to make you completely abandon your pursuit of them but not make future interactions with them awkward?

If I'm interested in a woman and she tells me that she's either interested in someone else, or still has a thing for an old flame, I abort the mission immediately. Been there too many times to want to do it again.

So just tell the guy that you're totally in love with this guy named Tom who you know from online, and you're off the hook... :!)

 

[Math Is Hard]

So just tell the guy that you're totally in love with this guy named Tom who you know from online, and you're off the hook... :!)

I use that one constantly.

 

[Jelfish]

So just tell the guy that you're totally in love with this guy named Tom who you know from online, and you're off the hook... :!)

Tom? Personally, I think it would be more effective if she used a name like, say, Jelfish.

 

[quantumdude]

Oh no, another suitor from Troy, NY!

All I can say is that you had better not be one of my students!

 

[honestrosewater]

I'm not interested in having a relationship with anyone- even if my absolute dream man came along, it would just have to wait. Honestly. I've already said this. I even guessed at how long the wait would be- 8 years. Maybe I need to change my tone a bit. What means more to you guys- words or tone?

 

[Jelfish]

Oh no, another suitor from Troy, NY!

All I can say is that you had better not be one of my students!

I don't know about 'student,' but we may have had some of the same professors.

 

[Lisa!]

If you're romantically interested in someone, what can they say to make you completely abandon your pursuit of them but not make future interactions with them awkward? Yes, it's me- one of my brother's friends has taken a liking to me, and nothing I've said seems to have worked.

I know wht you mean!

 

[quantumdude]

I'm not interested in having a relationship with anyone- even if my absolute dream man came along, it would just have to wait. Honestly. I've already said this.

Have you told him the "f-word" yet? "Let's just be blackfffriends?" That takes the wind out of most guys' sails.

I even guessed at how long the wait would be- 8 years.

Heh. What'd you do, solve an equation to get that figure? I can see it now, "Let's see...libido times sense of romance squared, minus inability to commit and divide by career goals...carry the one...A-HA! 8 years!"

Seriously, an 8 year forecast for your love life is bound to be less reliable than an 8 year forecast for the weather. But you'll find that out for yourself.

Maybe I need to change my tone a bit. What means more to you guys- words or tone?

Pictures. We're not that smart.

 

[honestrosewater]

I've used the 'other person' excuse before, it's quick and easy but doesn't phase some people. And while I was madly in love with the men of Troy, I've gotten over it. And he's my brother's friend so will find out if I lie.

 

[Lisa!]

I've used the 'other person' excuse before, it's quick and easy but doesn't phase some people. And while I was madly in love with the men of Troy, I've gotten over it. And he's my brother's friend so will find out if I lie.

You don't need to tell him lies.what would he do if you were in love with you and he didn't love you?

 

[zoobyshoe]

I'm not interested in having a relationship with anyone- even if my absolute dream man came along, it would just have to wait. Honestly. I've already said this. I even guessed at how long the wait would be- 8 years. Maybe I need to change my tone a bit. What means more to you guys- words or tone?

Thing is, there's no "you guys." Every guy is different and you have to figure out what works on this one.

 

[Townsend]

Maybe I need to change my tone a bit. What means more to you guys- words or tone?

It depends the the guy? For me it depends on who is saying it. For example, it a girl tries to give me harsh tone to emphasize something I usually reply with a much deeper tone and try to assert a certain amount of control over the conversation. I don't even mean to do it, it's like an involuntary reaction to stimuli, it just happens.

On the other hand, if a guy tries to bring a harsh tone I usually raise an eyebrow and look at him like, "what do you think you are trying to do?"

I think your best bet is to be very mature and serious. You know, like corporate CEO type of attitude. When you're all business, professional and stone faced, people tend to listen. Use an emotionless monotone voice that is slightly lower than normal.

I think that will fix the situation. Just make sure you have your heart in what you're saying and be serious. You will get the point across.

Regards

 

[honestrosewater]

Have you told him the "f-word" yet? "Let's just be blackfffriends?" That takes the wind out of most guys' sails.

Indirectly. I just met him yesterday morning. And he came over last night to "see my brother". But didn't say two words to him.

Heh. What'd you do, solve an equation to get that figure? I can see it now, "Let's see...libido times sense of romance squared, minus inability to commit and divide by career goals...carry the one...A-HA! 8 years!"

I had already been through "I'm focused on school..." So 8 years sounded about right.

Seriously, an 8 year forecast for your love life is bound to be less reliable than an 8 year forecast for the weather. But you'll find that out for yourself.

I haven't been involved with anyone since I was 16. So it's already been 6 years. I'm really focused on my education and work.

Pictures. We're not that smart.

Hm, is a STOP sign too blunt?

 

[Pengwuino]

Tell him you view him like a little brother, and pinch his cheek?

that'll amke him commit suicide haha

 

[mapper]

Tell him your a man trapped in a womans body but still prefer men which makes you not a lesbian, but still gay. Gay men are picky most times, tell him you are just like that and not into him. Weather he's confused or not, it should get him off your back.

 

[honestrosewater]

Yes, Lisa!, I want to be honest.

Thing is, there's no "you guys." Every guy is different and you have to figure out what works on this one.

Sorry, I meant 'all of the people reading this' not just the men. But I see your point.

 

[honestrosewater]

I think your best bet is to be very mature and serious. You know, like corporate CEO type of attitude. When you're all business, professional and stone faced, people tend to listen. Use an emotionless monotone voice that is slightly lower than normal.

I think that will fix the situation. Just make sure you have your heart in what you're saying and be serious. You will get the point across.

Regards

Yes, that's what I meant- a serious, straightforward tone. I'm only aggressive when I need to be.

 

[Smurf]

Tell the truth which is almost never told. "You're cool but I don't have those kinds of feeling for you."

QFE, but also

I think your best bet is to be very mature and serious. You know, like corporate CEO type of attitude. When you're all business, professional and stone faced, people tend to listen. Use an emotionless monotone voice that is slightly lower than normal.

QFE

 

[Pengwuino]

Send him a fax haha

 

[Smurf]

Speaking as a person who's been 'the nice guy' for a good bit longer than he would like; I have only one piece of advice, don't lie.

 

[quantumdude]

I just met him yesterday morning.

Ah, so he hasn't even really had a chance to develop feelings for you then. You could just stay the course for a while and see what happens.

"Wanna go out?"

"Thanks, but not interested."

"Wanna go out?"

"Thanks, but not interested."

"Wanna go out?"

"Thanks, but not interested."

No normal person could sustain a crush on someone in the face of that kind of uniquivocal, repetitive non-interest. If experience is any kind of a guide, he'll get bored of getting the same response and go looking somewhere else. Just don't be discouraged if you don't get the desired result immediately. You may have to shoot him down a few times.

 

[Lisa!]

Yes, Lisa!, I want to be honest.

Sorry, I meant 'all of the people reading this' not just the men. But I see your point.

Do what I did.I told him-my brother's friend-"we're not good enough for each other.You're so different from the man in my dreams...".He's fallen in love with another girl now and I think he's happy now.

You said you want to be honest.So if he's not your kind of man you should reject him.You know it's not honesty to pretend to love someone when you don't.

 

[Lisa!]

If I'm interested in a woman and she tells me that she's either interested in someone else, or still has a thing for an old flame, I abort the mission immediately. Been there too many times to want to do it again.

So just tell the guy that you're totally in love with this guy named Tom who you know from online, and you're off the hook... :!)

I think all women around here love you esp. because of your warnings!

 

[Smurf]

yes, and be sure to use language like 'not good enough'. The demeaning, insultive tone will make him feel all warm and fuzzy inside. men love that.

 

[Pengwuino]

I say go with what other people have said. The ol "tell him your really interested in someone else". But just do it in the flow of a normal conversation with him. Be all meeting with him or something and then just talk about whatever and then maybe ask him for advice about this other guy. When guys are asked for advice from girls on how to 'advance yourself' with another guy, its usually a good shot in the leg. How some people can't be phased by that is beyond me.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I think all women around here love you esp. because of your warnings!

Hmmmm...what's this about?

 

[Moonbear]

Well, if you've already told him you're not interested in seeing ANYONE right now, and that didn't get the point across, then it's probably not going to be done in a way that won't be awkward. Since he's your brother's friend, you could have your brother tell him to back off in that over-protective, brotherly sort of way.

There's also the last resort of actually agreeing to go out with the guy and then being the world's most boring and cold date. Barely speak, stare at the floor, if he touches you, pull back like you were just struck with a hot poker, etc.

If I may offer some woman-to-woman type advice though... don't let your focus on school interfere with having a personal life too. You may not be able to hang out with someone you're dating every weekend if you need to study and get work done, but don't dismiss the idea either if someone decent comes along. A good, supportive relationship can actually make the hard work that goes into your education and career goals easier (go for one who cooks and cleans so you can focus on school and work and he'll have home-cooked meals waiting for you at the end of a long day ).

 

[Astronuc]

I'm not interested in having a relationship with anyone- even if my absolute dream man came along, it would just have to wait. Honestly. I've already said this. I even guessed at how long the wait would be- 8 years. Maybe I need to change my tone a bit. What means more to you guys- words or tone?

I would recommend being honest, which it seems you already were. Perhaps you do need to be sterner.

Did you tell him one-on-one? If so, then perhaps tell him in the presence of your brother.

Will his feelings get hurt. Sure. But in the end, he will be better for it. He needs to move on.

When I was dating, I would prefer a woman tell me flat out that she wasn't interested. I had no desire to impose myself on any woman. I never expected any woman to be automatically be attracted to me. If she was, then I knew there something was wrong with her judgement.

 

[honestrosewater]

Since he's your brother's friend, you could have your brother tell him to back off in that over-protective, brotherly sort of way.

Yeah, I did that. The guy is two years older than me, but he's my younger brother's friend. I'm usually the one in the protective role, but I may ask him again if other things don't work.

There's also the last resort of actually agreeing to go out with the guy and then being the world's most boring and cold date. Barely speak, stare at the floor, if he touches you, pull back like you were just struck with a hot poker, etc.

Thanks, but that's seriously not a possibility. I tried barely speaking for a few hours. I have been pulling away when he touches me. Not wholly innappropriate touching- just wholly unwelcome.

If I may offer some woman-to-woman type advice though... don't let your focus on school interfere with having a personal life too. You may not be able to hang out with someone you're dating every weekend if you need to study and get work done, but don't dismiss the idea either if someone decent comes along. A good, supportive relationship can actually make the hard work that goes into your education and career goals easier (go for one who cooks and cleans so you can focus on school and work and he'll have home-cooked meals waiting for you at the end of a long day ).

Thanks, advice taken.

Maybe I should mention how I met him this morning. I woke up and he was two feet from my face. He was like just sitting there in the dark watching me sleep. Told me blah blah you're so pretty. Do I want to get up and talk to him? I was half-asleep, so I just said, no I want to sleep and fell back asleep. Of course, I was irrate when I finally woke up.

He suggested coming over today to keep me company. I said it wasn't necessary. As he was leaving, he said he would stop by and I said I would be asleep most of the day.

So it's his rather alarming behavior that makes me want to put a complete stop to it ASAP. I can deal with pushy, but this is a little more than just pushy.
Bah- that's how upset I am- I can't even spell.

 

[honestrosewater]

Thanks, Astronuc, you really cheered me up. I haven't met many men like you, but it's nice to know they're out there.

 

[Astronuc]

Maybe I should mention how I met him this morning. I woke up and he was two feet from my face. He was like just sitting there in the dark watching me sleep. Told me blah blah you're so pretty. Do I want to get up and talk to him? I was half-asleep, so I just said, no I want to sleep and fell back asleep. Of course, I was irrate when I finally woke up.

He suggested coming over today to keep me company. I said it wasn't necessary.

This guy doesn't seem to know his limits. You don't have a close relationship, yet he is standing over you while you are sleeping?

If I was your brother, and some guy did that, I'd be sending him out the nearest window or closed door.

I agree with Moonbear- "A good, supportive relationship can actually make the hard work that goes into your education and career goals easier (go for one who cooks and cleans so you can focus on school and work and he'll have home-cooked meals waiting for you at the end of a long day ). " But it has to be the right person, and this guy ain't the one.

 

[hypatia]

He was watching you sleep? Thats just creepy and very wrong. I don't think you should worry about being nice to him..

 

[Antiphon]

How old are the parties in this drama? That might change the advice a bit.

 

[honestrosewater]

Yeah, I told my brother it creeped me out. He said he's just like that. But the more I think about it, yeah, I'm just going to put my foot down now.

So, thanks, I'll be honest and firm. I just wonder- he left me his email address this morning. Should I write him? I can be firm in a letter and it may save him some face. Or should I wait and see if he backs off from now on?

 

[honestrosewater]

How old are the parties in this drama? That might change the advice a bit.

I'm 22, he's 24.
I've managed to protect myself from bigger guys than him before, and I'm not worried yet about this becoming violent or anything, if that's what you mean.

 

[Astronuc]

Send me his address and I'll go stand over him when he wakes up.

And if he doesn't back off - tell your parents and if necessary get a restraining order.

My sister was harassed by some weirdo in junior high, then later in college. I don't tolerate such behavior - ** GRRRRRR **

Yeah, I told my brother it creeped me out. He said he's just like that.

And I'll have a talk to your brother, too. He should not have let his friend be in your room. [I am assuming you are living at home, with parents and brother.]

 

[Math Is Hard]

He was watching you sleep? Thats just creepy and very wrong. I don't think you should worry about being nice to him..

I concur. That gets a 9.3 on the MIH 10 pt. creepy scale. I might be overly sensitive because I've been stalked a couple of times, but still.. it's kinda like my grand-dad used to say, "somethin's just not right with that boy."

 

[loseyourname]

Ah, so he hasn't even really had a chance to develop feelings for you then. You could just stay the course for a while and see what happens.

"Wanna go out?"

"Thanks, but not interested."

"Wanna go out?"

"Thanks, but not interested."

"Wanna go out?"

"Thanks, but not interested."

No normal person could sustain a crush on someone in the face of that kind of uniquivocal, repetitive non-interest.

Steve Urkel did it. He might have even kept it up for 8 years. Out of curiosity, if this guy really did show that kind of devotion to you for the next 8 years, do you think you'd go out with him then?

 

[loseyourname]

Maybe I should mention how I met him this morning. I woke up and he was two feet from my face. He was like just sitting there in the dark watching me sleep. Told me blah blah you're so pretty. Do I want to get up and talk to him? I was half-asleep, so I just said, no I want to sleep and fell back asleep. Of course, I was irrate when I finally woke up.:

Also out of curiosity, after this, exactly how do you aim to keep future interactions from being awkward? And why the hell do you even care?

 

[Astronuc]

Also out of curiosity, after this, exactly how do you aim to keep future interactions from being awkward? And why the hell do you even care?

I imagine it's because this guy is the brother's friend.

But the behavior of invading one's privacy is not appropriate, and if it was my house, this guy would not be allowed to return (unless perhaps he can demonstrate more control some time in the future).

 

[Pengwuino]

Maybe I should mention how I met him this morning. I woke up and he was two feet from my face. He was like just sitting there in the dark watching me sleep. Told me blah blah you're so pretty. Do I want to get up and talk to him? I was half-asleep, so I just said, no I want to sleep and fell back asleep. Of course, I was irrate when I finally woke up.

Freak.

24 year olds exhibiting this behavior is weird...

How bout a restraining order? That'll show him what's what. Whats with guys... every girl i know seems to have a weird stalker. People are pathetic i swear.

 

[honestrosewater]

Send me his address and I'll go stand over him when he wakes up.

And if he doesn't back off - tell your parents and if necessary get a restraining order.

My sister was harassed by some weirdo in junior high, then later in college. I don't tolerate such behavior - ** GRRRRRR **

And I'll have a talk to your brother, too. He should not have let his friend be in your room. [I am assuming you are living at home, with parents and brother.]

I concur. That gets a 9.3 on the MIH 10 pt. creepy scale. I might be overly sensitive because I've been stalked a couple of times, but still.. it's kinda like my grand-dad used to say, "somethin's just not right with that boy."

You guys are so sweet. But maybe it sounds worse than it is. It's only been one day. Yes, I moved back home almost two years ago. But I don't sleep in my room- I sleep in the livingroom. My brother & his other friend were in his room playing video games. I almost wish my dad was around- I know I could count on him. But he's in prison. I'll be fine on my own though.