Collection of Lame Jokes

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 350703

And then he was stabbed by a conductor’s baton.

 

[topsquark]

It was saxually motivated.

-Dan

 

[phinds]

 

[BillTre]

 

[RekkyMN]

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

Took me a second

 

[jack action]

Took me a second

Looking at the date posted, I would say it took you 20 years...

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

Took me a second

Looking at the date posted, I would say it took you 20 years...

Actually, maybe less, depending on how old he is.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[Orodruin]

View attachment 350754

"Stool is exceptionally solid and stool shaped. Recommending regular colonoscopies at 1 month intervals to monitor the situation."

 

[Orodruin]

Actually reminds me of a story told to me by my sister and brother-in-law (both medical doctors). Presumably this had happened to a colleague from med school.

A patient came in for an endoscopy and had been told to eat nothing but clear liquid for 24 hours before the procedure. During the procedure an abnormality was found, sampled, and the sample sent for analysis with the comment ”raspberry-looking hemangioma?” The lab report came back ”hemangioma-looking raspberry.”

Apparently the patient thought that one little raspberry couldn’t adversely affect the results of the procedure.

 

[phinds]

Ever have one of those days when you feel like your body's "check engine" light has been on for quite a while but you;'re still going along like "ah, there aren't any parts falling off so I'll be fine"?

 

[Orodruin]

Ever have one of those days when you feel like your body's "check engine" light has been on for quite a while but you;'re still going along like "ah, there aren't any parts falling off so I'll be fine"?

With respect to that I am more of a ”the wind shield wipers are not working very well so I probably have to replace the engine” type of guy.

 

[Borg]

Maybe check the check engine light.

 

[BillTre]

 

[jack action]

My grandfather was terrible until I had my first child.

Then he became a great grandfather.

 

[jtbell]

Jimmy Fallon: Phoenix, Arizona just hit 100 degrees for the 100th day in a row. It is really hot.

Audience: How hot is it?

Jimmy: It’s so hot, I saw a bird catching a worm with a potholder.

 

[WWGD]

 

[DennisN]

 

[DennisN]

Lose the iPhone and they could prolly afford a larger apartment to hold said washer/dryer.

I bought an iPod, iPhone, iPad... now i'Mbroke.

 

[Steve4Physics]

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers but couldn't find any.

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 350505

Nostalgia is not what it used to be.

 

[phinds]

 

[statdad]

Did you hear about the guy who had a Honda tattoo on his back?
Yeah, he got it of his own Accord.

 

[phinds]

Best warning sign ever:

 

[jack action]

If at first you don't succeed, parachuting may not be your thing.

 

[nuuskur]

 

[Tom.G]

Very Zen!

 

[Orodruin]

 

[Borg]

The astronaut should be fine if the alien was assigned the door plug seat.

 

[DennisN]

View attachment 350858

Ripley’s got her priorities straight​

 

[nuuskur]

 

[WWGD]

 

[DaveC426913]

View attachment 350876

Well, I dunno about the year 5050 but
In the year 5555
Your arms hangin' limp at your sides
Your legs got nothin' to do
Some machine's doin' that for you

 

[phinds]

If people concentrated more on what's important in life, there would be a shortage of reclining chairs.

 

[BillTre]

If people concentrated more on what's important in life, there would be a shortage of reclining chairs.

It is however important to recline at times.

 

[phinds]

Customer: "Excuse me, but are you looking to hire any help at present?"
Manager: "No, we already have all the staff we need."
Customer: "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?"

 

[DennisN]

 

[jtbell]

How do you know economists have a sense of humor?

They use decimal points.

 

[BillTre]

 

[WWGD]

 

[dwarde]

 

[jtbell]

I passed this grocery store in Lexington SC yesterday.

(I grabbed this shot through the windshield while stopped at a traffic light, then used digital zoom i.e. cropping in Photoshop. Hence the poor image quality.)

 

[WWGD]

" Careful when driving in this part of the world":

 

[dextercioby]

 

[dwarde]

 

[jtbell]

 

[WWGD]

What kinds of pets are these

??