Collection of Lame Jokes

[nsaspook]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[DaveC426913]

View attachment 360504

Well, my name's John Lee Pettimore
Same as my daddy and his daddy before
You hardly ever saw grandaddy down here
He only come to town about twice a year
He'd buy a hundred pounds of yeast and some copper line
Everybody knew that he made moonshine

You never come back from Copperhead Road!

 

[jack action]

I spent $300 on a limo and just found out the fee doesn't include a driver.

I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

 

[phinds]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 360509

You mean, I was lucky when I didn't get it?

 

[Ibix]

You mean, I was lucky when I didn't get it?

"Nothing to show for it" means "I wasted my money". Or time or effort or whatever.

 

[fresh_42]

"Nothing to show for it" means "I wasted my money". Or time or effort or whatever.

Well, I pronounced chauffeur correctly, and it doesn't sound like "show for it". I thought @jack action would know, too.

 

[DaveE]

I pronounced chauffeur correctly

You're clearly not 'merican then. We don't do correct pronunciation.

 

[jbriggs444]

You're clearly not 'merican then. We don't do correct pronunciation.

That's fer shure.

 

[fresh_42]

You're clearly not 'merican then. We don't do correct pronunciation.

Yes, but the poster even uses an aigu (acute) in Québec on his profile page.

 

[Ibix]

I think I won't tell the joke about the three french cats in a leaky boat, then.

 

[fresh_42]

I think I won't tell the joke about the three french cats in a leaky boat, then.

Tell an Immanuel Kant joke instead. The English pronunciation (not the American, the American equivalent, although perfectly matching, is a bad word) is at least close to the original sound.

 

[Ibix]

Tell an Immanuel Kant joke instead. The English pronunciation (not the American) is at least close to the original sound.

I'm not sure I know any Kany jokes.

Can Kant count? Kant can count but Descartes can't.

(Best I can do off the cuff, sorry.)

 

[WWGD]

I'm not sure I know any Kany jokes.

Can Kant count? Kant can count but Descartes can't.

(Best I can do off the cuff, sorry.)

Kant can't count but Chaka Khan can .

 

[fresh_42]

I'm not sure I know any Kany jokes.

Can Kant count? Kant can count but Descartes can't.

(Best I can do off the cuff, sorry.)

How about this one:

"You can't set your clock by Kant" said no Königsberger ever.

Kant had extremely accurate daily routines, and people actually used to set their clocks by the time he passed their homes on his morning walk.

 

[WWGD]

General Farrah Aidid from Somalia was replaced by General Didnot.

 

[WWGD]

The composer displayed on the show is Offenbach, but not always.

 

[fresh_42]

The composer displayed on the show is Offenbach, but not always.

Jakob (Jacques) Offenbach's parents were the cantor, composer, and poet Isaac Juda Eberst (1779/1781–1850) and his wife Marianne Rindskopf, the daughter of a money changer and lottery entrepreneur. Before his birth, the family lived in Offenbach am Main (my hometown), where his father was cantor of the local Jewish community.

So do not pronounce it as often back. I'm personally involved! And Les Contes is my favorite opera. Offen as often is correct (with the silent t), but pronouncing Bach correctly is almost impossible for Americans. Ok, I know people who are fluent in both languages so it is not fundamentally impossible. "ch" is like a hoarse clearing of the throat, not a "ck".

 

[mjc123]

My dad would often sing a fragment of a song that went (to the can-can tune):
"Offenbach would often park
His bicycle outside our gate..."

There was another one, to the tune of the German song "Augustin":
"Oh you can't put your muck in our dustbin, our dustbin, our dustbin,
You can't put your muck in our dustbin,
Our dustbin's full!"

 

[Orodruin]

Q: Why didn’t Newton invent group theory?

A: He wasn’t Abel.

 

[fresh_42]

Q: Why didn’t Newton invent group theory?

A: He wasn’t Abel.

Tu quoque, Oro!

Or was it because of the rivalry with Norway?

 

[WWGD]

Q: Why didn’t Newton invent group theory?

A: He wasn’t Abel.

For some reason I have seen that few people capitalize the noun " Abelian" and instead write " abelian".

 

[jack action]

Well, I pronounced chauffeur correctly, and it doesn't sound like "show for it". I thought @jack action would know, too.

It sounds like " show for", although "chauffeur" sounds a little bit more like "show fur" in both French and English.

"show for" -> /ʃoʊ/ /foɹ/ -> sh-ō f-o-r

"chauffeur":
American English -> \ʃoʊ.ˈfɝ\ -> sh-ō~f-ûr
French -> \ʃo.fœʁ\ -> ch-o~f-eu-r

Where do you see a noticeable difference between French and English?

 

[dextercioby]

Travelling in the past be like

 

[fresh_42]

Where do you see a noticeable difference between French and English?

'ffeur' is very different from 'for', 'fur' is closer except for the 'r' problematic. And 'chau' doesn't have that 'u' ('ou') sound from 'ow' in it.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

 

[jbriggs444]

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

Spider Robinson in "Callahan's Crosstime Saloon" did a bunch of these. Wish I could find a compiled list. Googled up a few:

If your vitamins be mostly B, C, and D,
Take some more A.

He's a comical man, his name's Amsterdam,
That's a Morey.

When you ace your last test, Like you did all the rest - That's some more "A"s!

When your boat comes home fine, And you tie up her line - That's a moor, eh?

I recall another one about some mo' Ray [Charles]. And apparently there is one about a ray gun held by Moe of three stooge fame.

Edit: Compilation here Several worthy of a @phinds howling wolf.

 

[davenn]

A State Trooper

pulled a car over for speeding.
When he asked the driver why he was in such a hurry, the man explained he was a juggler

on his way to perform at the Shrine Circus

and didn’t want to be late.

The trooper said, "I've always been fascinated by juggling. If you put on a little show for me,
I'll let you off with just a warning."

The juggler got out, lit four torches

, and began juggling right there on the side of the road.

While he was performing, another car

pulled up behind the police cruiser.
A drunk guy

stumbled out, walked straight over to the patrol car, opened the back door, and climbed in.
The trooper went over, opened the door, and asked, "What do you think you're doing?"
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail now, ‘cause there’s no way I’m passing that test!"

 

[fresh_42]

A State Trooper pulled a car over for speeding and asked the driver for his papers.

The driver replied that he had none.

Then, the officer said he had to check whether the car was stolen.

The driver replied that he could save time since the car had been stolen.

Next, the officer told the driver to open the trunk.

The driver replied that he wouldn't do so because there is a corpse in it.

The State Trooper rushed to his car, calling for support and reporting he had stopped a stolen car with a corpse in the trunk.

When the other officers arrived, they asked the driver for his papers.
The driver handed them his papers. Turned out it was his car.
Then they demanded he open the trunk. The driver opened the trunk and they found a first-aid kit, a spare tire, and a warning light. They couldn't believe it and told the driver what the first officer reported to them.

The driver replied: "Excuse me? In the end, that drunk guy will tell us I was driving too fast!"

 

[nsaspook]

 

[WWGD]

I just named one of my Db logins "Kenny". It plays "Footlose" every time its used. Yes, I spent _ a lot_ of time listening to 80's, 90's pop songs at work.

 

[fresh_42]

I just named one of my Db logins "Kenny". It plays "Footlose" every time its used. Yes, I spent _ a lot_ of time listening to 80's, 90's pop songs at work.

Maybe The Gambler would be more accurate . Or, how about that one:

 

[WWGD]

Maybe The Gambler would be more accurate . Or, how about that one:

 

[gmax137]

A middle aged guy bought a new corvette. Out on the highway he was winding it up, 60, 70, 80 mph. He noticed a police car following with its lights on. He hit the gas, 80, 90, 120mph with the cop right behind him. Finally, he thought, "what am I doing? " and pulled over. The cop was on him in seconds. "What were you thinking?" The cop asked. "Well," the guy explained," my wife ran off with a state trooper last year."
"So...?"
"I thought it was you, trying to bring her back."

"Have a nice day..."

 

[fresh_42]

"My wife ran off yesterday with my best friend Peter."
"I didn't know you had a friend named Peter. Since when?"
"Since yesterday,"

 

[DrGreg]

My wife ran off with the man next door.

I do miss him.

A Les Dawson joke

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

Seems legit

 

[nsaspook]

Seems legit

View attachment 360556

Sounds like a Florida mosquito.

 

[WWGD]

Mayday, Mayday!

 

[dextercioby]

Let's not forget the classics.

 

[Borg]

At least he didn't eat a kid meal.

 

[jtbell]

Legal tip: if you're filing a lawsuit, don't let your lawyers watermark their PDFs with purple dragons in suits.

 

[DennisN]

 

[DennisN]

Oh, this is so true... if you've had a cat or cats, you know exactly what this means...

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 360599

I have read the following phrase about foxes these days:

A fox is cat software running on dog hardware.

 

[phinds]