How Can I Approach a Pretty Girl at My University Despite My Social Anxiety?

[B3NR4Y]

My social skills are quite low, so I will put this in a familiar format.

Homework Statement

Every morning at 7 AM I head to my university's bookstore for breakfast, and I sit at the center table. Starting last week, a girl who is absolutely beautiful started going and studying at a table across from mine, where I sit directly facing her. I can't help but notice her, she makes my body feel like jelly and my mind race. I promised myself I'd say "hi" on my birthday. My birthday is Thursday.

There's also one girl I see walking to a class while I walk to my physics class that'd I'd like to say hello to, but I don't know how.

Homework Equations

me + pretty girl = happiness
me-pretty girl = jelly

The Attempt at a Solution

I don't know where to begin. A "hey you come here a lot, what's your major?" or "I couldn't help but notice how pretty you are please be my friend", or maybe even "it's my birthday pls respond".

Forgot to add, I have aspergers and social interaction makes me feel absolutely anxious, but I am sick of being a prisoner to it and I want to have a girlfriend or at least a real life friend.

 

[Matterwave]

I think really it's just 90% the guts to say something. I mean girls (people in general) are generally not so mean that they would rebuff you if you are just being friendly and trying to talk to them. You could always go with something like "hey, I notice you here a lot, mind if I join you? If you're not busy?", and let the conversation go from there. But hey, I'm no charmer so I don't know how much you should trust my advice lol!

 

[B3NR4Y]

I think really it's just 90% the guts to say something. I mean girls (people in general) are generally not so mean that they would rebuff you if you are just being friendly and trying to talk to them. You could always go with something like "hey, I notice you here a lot, mind if I join you? If you're not busy?", and let the conversation go from there. But hey, I'm no charmer so I don't know how much you should trust my advice lol!

Yeah just thinking about talking to her makes me scared. Knowing what to say would make it a helluva lot easier haha.

 

[Rocket50]

I think really it's just 90% the guts to say something. I mean girls (people in general) are generally not so mean that they would rebuff you if you are just being friendly and trying to talk to them. You could always go with something like "hey, I notice you here a lot, mind if I join you? If you're not busy?", and let the conversation go from there. But hey, I'm no charmer so I don't know how much you should trust my advice lol!

You're not supposed to give a full solution! Only hints are allowed.

 

[Matterwave]

Yeah just thinking about talking to her makes me scared. Knowing what to say would make it a helluva lot easier haha.

Don't over think it. The more you think and obsess about what to say, I find, the worse it becomes. You start rehearsing what to say in your head and it sounds weirder and weirder the more you rehearse it, so by the time you are saying it, your voice might crack or you fumble and forget your rehearsed line and panic. Don't do that!

There's no really "perfect pick up line" because everybody is different. So just say what comes naturally. More important than what you say is how you say it and if you can deliver the line with confidence (assuming a reasonable statement of course! "I want to be inside you~~~" is probably not going to fly even if you have the confidence of Kanye West).

 

[Astronuc]

Yeah just thinking about talking to her makes me scared. Knowing what to say would make it a helluva lot easier haha.

That sounds like anxiety, and probably related to fear of rejection.

I've been diagnosed as ASD, or some combination of Asperger's and high function autistism (and ADD/ADHD), however, I pretty much made up my mind to say to Hi to folks, including attractive women, and as a result, I developed a number of friendships with many folks, including attractive women.

 

[B3NR4Y]

Don't over think it. The more you think and obsess about what to say, I find, the worse it becomes. You start rehearsing what to say in your head and it sounds weirder and weirder the more you rehearse it, so by the time you are saying it, your voice might crack or you fumble and forget your rehearsed line and panic. Don't do that!

There's no really "perfect pick up line" because everybody is different. So just say what comes naturally. More important than what you say is how you say it and if you can deliver the line with confidence (assuming a reasonable statement of course! "I want to be inside you~~~" is probably not going to fly even if you have the confidence of Kanye West).

I've been told actually having confidence isn't the key, but feigning confidence enough to where she believes YOU have the confidence is what makes it work. I have two days to ponder this so I'll probably dream about it tonight, go to school tomorrow and see her then realize I'm not good enogu then push the deadline back. C'est la vie.

 

[Evo]

I have to say that falsity is wrong. It's weird. It's creepy. Don't do it. Either it's how you are or not. Don't pretend.

Yeah, I'm watching murder shows of husbands killing wives where the husband pretended to be something they weren't to get their wives to marry them then killed their wives because the couldn't keep up the pretense.

 

[edward]

What is the girl studying? What books does she have? Does she wear an interesting ring or bracelet? Look for anything just to comment on and get a reply. The next day talk a bit longer.

Make it about her not you. Does she take a math class that you could help her with? Or perhaps you are taking a math class she could help you with.

What field of study are you in? or What is your major? are both old conversation starters that still work.

Most of all don't sit there looking worried perplexed, and thinking; should I speak to her now, should I wait, what should I do.

The absolute necessity is to SMILE dude, the whole world loves a smile. A smile can even change your own body chemistry. Put on a happy face and speak to that girl.

Another thing that you may have to make yourself do, is to make eye contact. Even if just briefly and then look away and back again if you are uncomfortable. Remember the smile and the eye contact as if they are going to be on a test.

 

[Psinter]

Ohohoho! I, The Great Honorable Master of English At The Top Of The Great Flaming Mountain and Venerable Marshal of Awesome Poetry shall help you! *bragging and boasting*

Let me look at my dictionary for words you can say... I'm just joking.

The following advise may seem like an automated answer and laughable, but I insist these basics must be assimilated first: Be it a girl or a boy, it is important to understand what is it they are after. To understand them, first you must socialize and spend countless hours conversing with humans. There you will learn proper ways to approach the target human by appealing to their ways when you are okay with what appeals them. If you can offer something appealing to the target human, it is most likely you will be welcomed. (Appealing being defined here not necessary as something material, but sometimes as intelligence, emotions, frienship, class, respect, and whatnot.)

What appeals to each individual is something I insist you must learn through the process called socializing. Sometimes you will find that you are not okay with what is appealing to some humans. In those cases it's obvious that you won't approach them since like Evo said, you would be offering something you are not okay with. Your original self will backslash and you will get in trouble.

 

[B3NR4Y]

Ohohoho! I, The Great Honorable Master of English At The Top Of The Great Flaming Mountain and Venerable Marshal of Awesome Poetry shall help you! *bragging and boasting*

Let me look at my dictionary for words you can say... I'm just joking.

The following advise may seem like an automated answer and laughable, but I insist these basics must be assimilated first: Be it a girl or a boy, it is important to understand what is it they are after. To understand them, first you must socialize and spend countless hours conversing with humans. There you will learn proper ways to approach the target human by appealing to their ways when you are okay with what appeals them. If you can offer something appealing to the target human, it is most likely you will be welcomed. (Appealing being defined here not necessary as something material, but sometimes as intelligence, emotions, frienship, class, respect, and whatnot.)

What appeals to each individual is something I insist you must learn through the process called socializing. Sometimes you will find that you are not okay with what is appealing to some humans. In those cases it's obvious that you won't approach them since like Evo said, you would be offering something you are not okay with. Your original self will backslash and you will get in trouble.

Oh the dreaded socialization. I knew that I'd have to do it eventually, just not so soon.

I've been sort of a creeper and watched her in the bookstore (not obviously and not really creepy, just observing) and she always has a chemistry book and algebra, my specialty.

Now this might seem like a bad thing to say or assume, but based on the way she dresses and carries herself she's an independent woman, a feminist (nothing against them, but she is). To me this might make it harder because she will see past the dance and think I'm objectifying her, which I'm not but I'd imagine a girl as pretty as her gets lots of guys saying "hi" and what separates me from them? I'm 6'3", 140 lbs., lanky as all hell and I can't form a sentence without second guessing myself.

 

[B3NR4Y]

What is the girl studying? What books does she have? Does she wear an interesting ring or bracelet? Look for anything just to comment on and get a reply. The next day talk a bit longer.

Make it about her not you. Does she take a math class that you could help her with? Or perhaps you are taking a math class she could help you with.

What field of study are you in? or What is your major? are both old conversation starters that still work.

Most of all don't sit there looking worried perplexed, and thinking; should I speak to her now, should I wait, what should I do.

The absolute necessity is to SMILE dude, the whole world loves a smile. A smile can even change your own body chemistry. Put on a happy face and speak to that girl.

Another thing that you may have to make yourself do, is to make eye contact. Even if just briefly and then look away and back again if you are uncomfortable. Remember the smile and the eye contact as if they are going to be on a test.

Eye contact, I swear that's impossible for me, any other peeps on the spectrum (or off) that have special tricks for maintaining eye contact without feeling uncomfortable?

 

[kurros]

The key to talking naturally to people is reaching that place of zen where you just don't give a **** what anyone thinks :).

 

[ShayanJ]

The one key point which you should understand, not only for getting to that girl but for any kind of social interaction, is that no one(I'm actually not considering people who really want to hurt others!) is going to reject you, mock you, or anything else because of such things. Just be yourself and even let her know its hard for you to start a conversation. First, she's only a human, like you. She has the same thoughts. She may as well have same problems as you have, more or less. Second, because of the first, and also because she isn't after hurting you and she may also be very kind, she will understand that its hard for you and I promise she will help you. So don't feel anxious what's going to happen. Its OK that you don't talk fluently, Its OK to be shy, Its OK to cut your speeches.
I only want to say, Its OK man, just go for it. and if you don't know what to say, just go by the table and ask whether you can sit there or not and then start being shy and uncomfortable. Also make it look like you want to say something but you can't. That's it. She will understand and will help you through it. She starts questioning and that's where things get easy because you know what you should say, you should just answer the questions. But remember, BE HONEST!

 

[B3NR4Y]

The one key point which you should understand, not only for getting to that girl but for any kind of social interaction, is that no one(I'm actually not considering people who really want to hurt others!) is going to reject you, mock you, or any thing else because of such things. Just be yourself and even let her know its hard for you to start a conversation. First, she's only a human, like you. She has the same thoughts. She may as well have same problems as you have, more or less. Second, because of the first, and also because she isn't after hurting you and she may also be very kind, she will understand that its hard for you and I promise she will help you. So don't feel anxious what's going to happen. Its OK that you don't talk fluently, Its OK to be shy, Its OK to cut your speeches.
I only want to say, Its OK man, just go for it. and if you don't know what to say, just go by the table and ask whether you can sit there or not and then start being shy and uncomfortable. Also make it look like you want to say something but you can't. That's it. She will understand and will help you through it. She starts questioning and that's where things get easy because you know what you should say, you should just answer the questions. But remember, BE HONEST!

I just got to the library from the bookstore and she was there, this time though she held the door for me and smiled. We're going to get married.

 

[ShayanJ]

I just got to the library from the bookstore and she was there, this time though she held the door for me and smiled. We're going to get married.

I think she has noticed your attention and knows about your feeling. It makes things easier.

 

[Astronuc]

I just got to the library from the bookstore and she was there, this time though she held the door for me and smiled. We're going to get married.

I hope you said, "Thank you". Perfect opening.

 

[B3NR4Y]

I hope you said, "Thank you". Perfect opening.

Uhh, I just kind of muttered it, I think she heard. I hope she heard. Tomorrow if something similar happens I'll be sure to vocalize louder

 

[nuuskur]

Don't act like you're indifferent about it when you're not. If she's there and you (clearly) are in cloud 9 when she is, express it. With the door even, look in her eyes and say thank you and smile - you don't have to go overboard, of course.
When you talk to her, don't make it about her exclusively, don't make it a quiz either where you question and she answers. It just has to feel right.

Long story short - practice practice practice. Socialising that is - it won't work if you think you have it all figured out in your head, no no no.

 

[B3NR4Y]

Don't act like you're indifferent about it when you're not. If she's there and you (clearly) are in cloud 9 when she is, express it. With the door even, look in her eyes and say thank you and smile - you don't have to go overboard, of course.
When you talk to her, don't make it about her exclusively, don't make it a quiz either where you question and she answers. It just has to feel right.

Long story short - practice practice practice. Socialising that is - it won't work if you think you have it all figured out in your head, no no no.

So it seems to me socialising is a lot like doing math problems, do enough and it becomes easy. I certainly wouldn't want my first math problem I ever see to be a partial differential equation, which talking to this girl is, so in the two days until my birthday I will just say "hi" to everyone I can, and try to be friendly.

 

[nuuskur]

She is not a partial differential calculation you have to figure out. She is a person, so is anyone. There is no calculation involved.

I don't want to be rude, but the way you go about it is something like this: "I'll lay low for now, LATER when I feel more confident I could talk to this woman without dying inside for fear of rejection and all that which follows". LATER -> not determined

You have to realize that it's not guaranteed that "if you do everything right" then you are home free.
Assuming you have totally healthy legs-feet and you want to jog, but have some kind of mental-block about jogging, running out of breath quickly or any other problems you might have. How can you fix that with reasoning about it endlessly? You can't, the only thing to do is to get over yourself and jog.

Saying hi to people and being friendly sounds good, but I, as well as many other people, I'm sure, could only tell someone's friendly if you can have a conversation with them. Saying hi shows etiquette, it's a form of polite behaviour, cannot conclude that the person is genuinely friendly.
Try to engage in conversations with people, that's the only way you can get the "feeling" for it.

I wish you good luck, since I struggled with such problems a few years ago myself.

 

[zoobyshoe]

The Attempt at a Solution

I don't know where to begin. A "hey you come here a lot, what's your major?" or "I couldn't help but notice how pretty you are please be my friend", or maybe even "it's my birthday pls respond".

Forgot to add, I have aspergers and social interaction makes me feel absolutely anxious, but I am sick of being a prisoner to it and I want to have a girlfriend or at least a real life friend.

Let me give you a rule of thumb for approaching anyone in public:

Do not approach anyone, ever, unless you have something to give them that they will like. In other words, never approach anyone with the intention of taking something from them, or of imposing a burden on them.

I would wager the root of your nervousness in approaching her is due to the fact you sense you have nothing to give her and you realize you would actually be begging for approval. You realize you would be approaching her as a supplicant, and you also realize that's not going to appeal to her.

Saying you are bad at social interactions is true, but misleading. It obscures the real, concrete problem, which is that you would be approaching her to take rather than give, and, Asperger's or not, you realize that's not the position you want to be in with respect to a girl you like. You want to approach as an equal, or a superior, not as a beggar.

Complements and gifts are often a kind of extortion, so you have to eschew them as well. Telling a girl she's pretty usually means: "I have complimented you, now you owe me." Guys try to do this all the time, try to force girls into an exchange they never agreed to and don't want. Some random guy's unsolicited opinion of their physical beauty should not ever be construed as a debt they are now required to repay, or even appreciate. Always bear in mind, they didn't ask for your opinion! They owe you nothing. An unsolicited compliment is not "giving" at all if you authentically expect the least reciprocation. The same goes for random, unsolicited gifts.

Any time you look at a girl and your stomach gets all squishy and your legs turn to jelly, etc., it's time to pack it in and admit you lost that round. It is not possible to approach her under those conditions without being 'an unworthy supplicant to a superior being'. And girls don't like that.

You may wonder what anyone ever has to "give" someone else that isn't actually part of an unspoken exchange. The truth is that the initial "move" is always an invitation to exchange. The thing to pay attention to is that it's an "invitation," not a fait accompli. If you open a market on the corner, you might give out free samples to passers-by. It's an invitation to customers to come in and buy something. You can't go out and desperately beg them to come in, and you certainly can't shove something into their hands and claim they now owe you. The invitation has to be light, non-binding, casual. A guy with a squishy stomach and jelly-legs can't pull that off.

This is how life is: you see a car you like but realize you can't afford it. You see a girl you like, but realize you got nothing to offer her. I realized a long time ago Angelina Jolie is never, ever, ever, ever going to be Mrs. Zoobyshoe. I'm over it. Well almost.

 

[lisab]

Zooby, that might be the best relationship advice ever posted here. It's brilliant :thumbs:.

 

[B3NR4Y]

Let me give you a rule of thumb for approaching anyone in public:

Do not approach anyone, ever, unless you have something to give them that they will like. In other words, never approach anyone with the intention of taking something from them, or of imposing a burden on them.

I would wager the root of your nervousness in approaching her is due to the fact you sense you have nothing to give her and you realize you would actually be begging for approval. You realize you would be approaching her as a supplicant, and you also realize that's not going to appeal to her.

Saying you are bad at social interactions is true, but misleading. It obscures the real, concrete problem, which is that you would be approaching her to take rather than give, and, Asperger's or not, you realize that's not the position you want to be in with respect to a girl you like. You want to approach as an equal, or a superior, not as a beggar.

Complements and gifts are often a kind of extortion, so you have to eschew them as well. Telling a girl she's pretty usually means: "I have complimented you, now you owe me." Guys try to do this all the time, try to force girls into an exchange they never agreed to and don't want. Some random guy's unsolicited opinion of their physical beauty should not ever be construed as a debt they are now required to repay, or even appreciate. Always bear in mind, they didn't ask for your opinion! They owe you nothing. An unsolicited compliment is not "giving" at all if you authentically expect the least reciprocation. The same goes for random, unsolicited gifts.

Any time you look at a girl and your stomach gets all squishy and your legs turn to jelly, etc., it's time to pack it in and admit you lost that round. It is not possible to approach her under those conditions without being 'an unworthy supplicant to a superior being'. And girls don't like that.

You may wonder what anyone ever has to "give" someone else that isn't actually part of an unspoken exchange. The truth is that the initial "move" is always an invitation to exchange. The thing to pay attention to is that it's an "invitation," not a fait accompli. If you open a market on the corner, you might give out free samples to passers-by. It's an invitation to customers to come in and buy something. You can't go out and desperately beg them to come in, and you certainly can't shove something into their hands and claim they now owe you. The invitation has to be light, non-binding, casual. A guy with a squishy stomach and jelly-legs can't pull that off.

This is how life is: you see a car you like but realize you can't afford it. You see a girl you like, but realize you got nothing to offer her. I realized a long time ago Angelina Jolie is never, ever, ever, ever going to be Mrs. Zoobyshoe. I'm over it. Well almost.

While I've never been one to pack it in when told I can't- or rather shouldn't. At this point, until I can get rid of the squishy tummy and the jelly-legs, I will just have to all it quits. I've literally nothing to offer anyone, and I'm fine with that. I will focus on my studies and MAYBE stop chasing the goal society has set out for me- which is:
get a wife, start a family, and pay bills. Maybe I do belong alone, and I should accept that- there is a certain amount of confidence that comes with that, and I believe that will rid me of the jelly-legs.

I'll live with loneliness, at least until the next pretty girl gives me half a glance and I fall into the cycle again. Thanks~

P.S. I am not a native English speaker, so some of this may have come off differently than I intended it. It's all genuine and non-pity party.

 

[lisab]

While I've never been one to pack it in when told I can't- or rather shouldn't. At this point, until I can get rid of the squishy tummy and the jelly-legs, I will just have to all it quits. I've literally nothing to offer anyone, and I'm fine with that. I will focus on my studies and MAYBE stop chasing the goal society has set out for me- which is:
get a wife, start a family, and pay bills. Maybe I do belong alone, and I should accept that- there is a certain amount of confidence that comes with that, and I believe that will rid me of the jelly-legs.

I'll live with loneliness, at least until the next pretty girl gives me half a glance and I fall into the cycle again. Thanks~

P.S. I am not a native English speaker, so some of this may have come off differently than I intended it. It's all genuine and non-pity party.

Do you ever talk with women do don't give you the squishy feeling?

 

[B3NR4Y]

Do you ever talk with women do don't give you the squishy feeling?

No, precisely the reason I realize I might just spend my life alone, and while this is generally said by people looking for sympathy, thinking about that makes me feel some sort of numbness- a nofear stance, that I quite like.

I neglected to count my mother, sisters, aunt, and grandmother because they are family and I am "close" (is that the word I am looking for) to them. I see a therapist every now and again that is a girl, so since she isn't family nor friend I guess she counts as a woman that doesn't give me the squishy feeling.

 

[lisab]

No, precisely the reason I realize I might just spend my life alone, and while this is generally said by people looking for sympathy, thinking about that makes me feel some sort of numbness- a nofear stance, that I quite like.

Well sure - no risk is no fear.

Do all women make you nervous? How about men you don't know, do they make you nervous, too?

 

[B3NR4Y]

Well sure - no risk is no fear.

Do all women make you nervous? How about men you don't know, do they make you nervous, too?

Yes, they do, now that I think about it. I can't form complete sentences to someone I don't know without stuttering, feeling dumb, or having a really, really hot face. I don't like the way this feels so I avoid it as much as possible. But speaking with my mother, father, sister, aunt, grandmother, etc. I am fine and form the sentences and the thoughts like a wordsmith.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I've literally nothing to offer anyone, and I'm fine with that

Absolutely everyone on the planet has something extremely precious to offer others, and that is to be a good listener. Women, especially, prize a person who is a good listener. Mostly because they're so rare. There is nothing like the feeling of talking to someone who is paying attention to, and understanding, everything you say.

It's not easy. Some people find it impossible to lay their self-absorbtion aside and open themselves up to what other people are saying. In conversation people mostly sit there squirming waiting for the other to finish so they can relate their own problems and stories. A good listener completely rivets his attention on the speaker and actually listens.

Most people are starved for someone like this, and its something just about anyone is capable of giving to someone else with some effort.

I mention this because it is about the only social skill I have worth mentioning, and it's gotten me some great results making friends with women, (including some extremely attractive women). I'm pretty poor at banter, don't tell jokes too well, can't schmooze, but I am an A+ listener, and girls have opened up to me and told me things that would curl your hair. There's a deep kind of intimacy in that and it makes me feel socially connected.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Zooby, that might be the best relationship advice ever posted here. It's brilliant :thumbs:.

Thanks! Glad you think so.

 

[WWGD]

Thanks! Glad you think so.

I second. I mean lisab's comment .

 

[B3NR4Y]

Absolutely everyone on the planet has something extremely precious to offer others, and that is to be a good listener. Women, especially, prize a person who is a good listener. Mostly because they're so rare. There is nothing like the feeling of talking to someone who is paying attention to, and understanding, everything you say.

It's not easy. Some people find it impossible to lay their self-absorbtion aside and open themselves up to what other people are saying. In conversation people mostly sit there squirming waiting for the other to finish so they can relate their own problems and stories. A good listener completely rivets his attention on the speaker and actually listens.

Most people are starved for someone like this, and its something just about anyone is capable of giving to someone else with some effort.

I mention this because it is about the only social skill I have worth mentioning, and it's gotten me some great results making friends with women, (including some extremely attractive women). I'm pretty poor at banter, don't tell jokes too well, can't schmooze, but I am an A+ listener, and girls have opened up to me and told me things that would curl your hair. There's a deep kind of intimacy in that and it makes me feel socially connected.

I'm a great listener but now I am getting mixed messages. Pursue it or realize I'm not good enough? The easiest thing to do would be what I've done my whole life, forget about it and focus even harder on my studies. The hardest, but most satisfying, thing to do would be to at least try.

I wish there was a formula to go about these types of things- how can someone so good at maths be so bad at interacting with fellow humans? Most humans find socializing easiest and math hardest, why am I different?

And as I type this I'm in the bookstore across from her and the best thing in the world has transpired. She has a french textbook- my native tongue.

 

[BHL 20]

I don't usually give relationship advice but because I can relate to a lot of what you said I decided to chip in. First of all these two look like warning signs to me:

Homework Equations

me + pretty girl = happiness
me-pretty girl = jelly

I just got to the library from the bookstore and she was there, this time though she held the door for me and smiled. We're going to get married.

The right attitude to have when approaching a girl who you want as a potential love interest is "I want her, but I don't need her". Otherwise, you will put way too much pressure on both yourself and the girl. To make this more concrete, asking a girl on a date should be the same as asking a friend to do something with you. If you had the idea of going somewhere to have lunch with a guy friend, I'm sure that at most it would just be annoying if he said no, it would not be embarrassing or seem like a disaster. It would be casual. Why? Because you don't feel you need him to be happy, even though the opportunity to socialise would have been nice.

So it seems to me socialising is a lot like doing math problems, do enough and it becomes easy. I certainly wouldn't want my first math problem I ever see to be a partial differential equation, which talking to this girl is, so in the two days until my birthday I will just say "hi" to everyone I can, and try to be friendly.

This I agree with. And although this may be very controversial, I think the people who say "just go for it" are giving bad advice. If you had seen very few math problems in you life, what would be the probability of you figuring out how to solve a PDE first time round, even if you were talented? Similarly, if you don't in general talk to girls, attracting a girl first time you try, which is much harder than befriending one, is highly improbable. I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to her, but you should see this only as learning exercise: if you approach her there is 99% probability she won't become your girlfriend.

I'm sorry for being pessimistic, I'm usually good at overestimating chances of success, but the overestimation here will probably lead to disappointment, unless you can mitigate your attraction to this girl, first.

 

[B3NR4Y]

I don't usually give relationship advice but because I can relate to a lot of what you said I decided to chip in. First of all these two look like warning signs to me:





The right attitude to have when approaching a girl who you want as a potential love interest is "I want her, but I don't need her". Otherwise, you will put way too much pressure on both yourself and the girl. To make this more concrete, asking a girl on a date should be the same as asking a friend to do something with you. If you had the idea of going somewhere to have lunch with a guy friend, I'm sure that at most it would just be annoying if he said no, it would not be embarrassing or seem like a disaster. It would be casual. Why? Because you don't feel you need him to be happy, even though the opportunity to socialise would have been nice.



This I agree with. And although this may be very controversial, I think the people who say "just go for it" are giving bad advice. If you had seen very few math problems in you life, what would be the probability of you figuring out how to solve a PDE first time round, even if you were talented? Similarly, if you don't in general talk to girls, attracting a girl first time you try, which is much harder than befriending one, is highly improbable. I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to her, but you should see this only as learning exercise: if you approach her there is 99% probability she won't become your girlfriend.

I'm sorry for being pessimistic, I'm usually good at overestimating chances of success, but the overestimation here will probably lead to disappointment, unless you can mitigate your attraction to this girl, first.

I agree, I shouldn't have expectations too high, though I should clarify when I said

We're going to get married

I was trying my hand at humor :P

I don't value relationships this early in my life as anything but tests, which is why I neglected to get a girlfriend in high school despite how easy it would have been (apparently where I'm from being lanky, liking math, and having a somewhat average face is attractive).

 

[BHL 20]

I was trying my hand at humor :P

Alright my bad. lol :-D

 

[Travis_King]

You need to practice talking to people. I know very little about Asperger's, but I know a few folks with an ASD, and though I understand that they rarely feel comfortable or easy talking with new people, practice has helped a whole lot and they've learned to internalize that awkwardness and get through that initial encounter.

Talk to people, males, females, older people, everyone with whom you can strike up a conversation. You are almost certainly going to hate it at first, but there's no way else to get better at it.

Even if you just start with light small-talk in elevators, or coffee-shop lines. You have to start somewhere. As you practice, increase the length of the conversations and the depth of the questions, get to know people; probably on a superficial level at first, but moving toward actually learning unique information about people you've just met.

Sometimes you'll flounder, but that's ok. Keep working at it and you'll eventually learn that it's not as scary and awkward as you might think.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I'm a great listener but now I am getting mixed messages. Pursue it or realize I'm not good enough?

Maybe you're not such a great listener. I wasn't advising you to pursue her. I was advising you to increase your connection to people in general by becoming a good listener. It's what you, or anyone, has to offer others. It's also the key to getting some traction on social interaction.

 

[B3NR4Y]

Maybe you're not such a great listener. I wasn't advising you to pursue her. I was advising you to increase your connection to people in general by becoming a good listener. It's what you, or anyone, has to offer others. It's also the key to getting some traction on social interaction.

As I've learned recently, remaining quiet does not a good listener make. Though I think I may have found something to offer her, if she is learning french speaking to me may help, I know when I was learning english I desperately needed a native speaker to communicate and correct me.

Then again, I could just be finding excuses to not give up, I don't know much about my psychology. I saw her ride past on a bike today and said hello and she almost fell over saying hi back so I feel she may not like me now. I chose a bad time to say hi.

 

[zoobyshoe]

As I've learned recently, remaining quiet does not a good listener make.

That's a good insight. There's much more to it than that.

Though I think I may have found something to offer her, if she is learning french speaking to me may help, I know when I was learning english I desperately needed a native speaker to communicate and correct me.

In other words your offer to her is: "If I help you with your French, will you fall in love with me?"

(Come to think of it, that might be a a great line.)

Then again, I could just be finding excuses to not give up, I don't know much about my psychology. I saw her ride past on a bike today and said hello and she almost fell over saying hi back so I feel she may not like me now. I chose a bad time to say hi.

Yeah, see, what I hear you relating is that you were so eager to overcome your block you blurted out your greeting completely disregarding the situation she was in, oblivious to whether or not she was in a position to properly process what was going on. Not listening.

 

[WWGD]

Tell her: you are my girlfriend, you just don't know it yet.

 

[Vanadium 50]

Tell her: you are my girlfriend, you just don't know it yet.

I think many women would find that creepy.

 

[BHL 20]

As I've learned recently, remaining quiet does not a good listener make.

Yes, in my opinion the hardest thing about being a listener is actually getting the other person to start talking. Just "getting interested" isn't enough most of the time. From my experience, one must also demonstrate a kind of emotional strength, i.e. the ability to deal with anything they may tell you.

Though I think I may have found something to offer her, if she is learning french speaking to me may help, I know when I was learning english I desperately needed a native speaker to communicate and correct me.

Then again, I could just be finding excuses to not give up, I don't know much about my psychology. I saw her ride past on a bike today and said hello and she almost fell over saying hi back so I feel she may not like me now. I chose a bad time to say hi.

She's not going to dislike you if you go and apologise to her, especially if you do it in French. I actually think this incident may have created a good opportunity for you to break the ice.

 

[B3NR4Y]

Tell her: you are my girlfriend, you just don't know it yet.

Will post the results if they exceed 10 standard deviations from the norm.

I think many women would find that creepy.

Improbable.

In other words your offer to her is: "If I help you with your French, will you fall in love with me?"

(Come to think of it, that might be a a great line.)

I have to say it in French though, right?

Yeah, see, what I hear you relating is that you were so eager to overcome your block you blurted out your greeting completely disregarding the situation she was in, oblivious to whether or not she was in a position to properly process what was going on. Not listening.

I will apologize for it tomorrow then leave it at that. That way my criterion has been filled, I spoke with her on my birthday and if anything comes of it I'll be happy, but I don't expect anything to come of it so when nothing does come of it I am still happy.

 

[Travis_King]

Don't just say sorry and walk away. She didn't flip over her handlebars and break her wrist or anything. Just say a quick "sorry about that", chuckle if it comes naturally, and move into a normal conversation about, "Hi, I'm B3NR4Y, blah blah bla"

and if anything comes of it I'll be happy

This part makes me think you think she'll make a move or ask you to date her after a brief conversation...

Don't talk to her as your potential girlfriend, talk to her as a person. You don't even know if you'll find her interesting as a person yet... Have a quick chat, if you feel confident that she's interested in continuing that conversation at some point in the future (note, not if you think she's interested in being your boyfriend) then ask her to grab some coffee or a meal some time. If not, tell her it was nice meeting her and you look forward to talking again.

At this point, she's just a person that you don't know; she's not a potential girlfriend yet; don't get stressed about that part before you even know if she's interesting to you.

 

[B3NR4Y]

Don't just say sorry and walk away. She didn't flip over her handlebars and break her wrist or anything. Just say a quick "sorry about that", chuckle if it comes naturally, and move into a normal conversation about, "Hi, I'm B3NR4Y, blah blah bla"



This part makes me think you think she'll make a move or ask you to date her after a brief conversation...

Don't talk to her as your potential girlfriend, talk to her as a person. You don't even know if you'll find her interesting as a person yet... Have a quick chat, if you feel confident that she's interested in continuing that conversation at some point in the future (note, not if you think she's interested in being your boyfriend) then ask her to grab some coffee or a meal some time. If not, tell her it was nice meeting her and you look forward to talking again.

At this point, she's just a person that you don't know; she's not a potential girlfriend yet; don't get stressed about that part before you even know if she's interesting to you.

My wording on that is really bad, I realize. What I intended to express was "if she shows interest I will continue to speak with her, but I don't expect her to".

 

[WWGD]

Will post the results if they exceed 10 standard deviations from the norm.

Hopefully positive deviations.

 

[nuuskur]

When she nearly fell over on her bicycle, you could have gone to her and apologized for it, you didn't mean for any of that to happen and as Travis_King so eloquently said: and bla bla bla :D

Do not assume anything. It's very easy to be pessimistic and mistake it for "just being realistic about it and... bla bla bla", all sorts of demons slipping into mind, especially with women.

We have a saying in this country:(paraphrasing) It's already awful with women, but it's so much worse without them.
It IS a mine field, don't even get the illusion you will walk through safely. Once you are through, there will be more fields ahead. Just don't step on the same mines.

I keep coming back to my original point - in essence, you cannot reason it all out in your head. You are afraid, I understand that, but your goal is to dump the fear.

One more thing, be honest about what you "try to express". You want to find out where you stand, lying a.k.a "distorting the truth" will not help you. In fact, do not "try to express", you and her are neither deaf nor mutes, speak your mind, for the love of God (pardon me for takin His name in vain) :< Women appreciate honesty. She's not illiterate either, she can see that you get nervous.

You want to share with people and people to share with you, stop regarding this as some sort of scientific "Psychology 1o1", Please! :/

 

[B3NR4Y]

Well I didn't heed the warnings here and I think I may have been better for it. I just went headfirst and decided if she was creeped out or seemed disgusted I would spend every morning for the rest of the semester at McDonald's instead of the bookstore, but that didn't happen.

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I got a sheet of paper and wrote down what I was going to say, it read:

"Hello, my name is Ben my major is physics what's yours?" (pause to let her answer). "Oh, cool I hear there are many lucrative careers in that field, I am sorry for saying hi to you yesterday and making you almost wreck, I am attempting to overcome a social fear I have" (pause to let her either be disgusted or to laugh) "Well, as you may know I come here quite a bit, and when you began coming here I was attracted to you based solely on looks, at first, which is very superficial, I know. But then I noticed the way you dressed indicated you have similar social views as me and the books you carry, the music you listen to- all similar to me. So I set a deadline for myself, on my birthday- today- I would greet you, hopefully not on a bike" (pause and smile) "Sorry if I creep you out but, you're very interesting and I see you are studying French, J'ai grandi dans les régions francophones de Belgique, je peux vous aider avec ça."

I tucked the paper in my backpack and went to the bookstore this morning. Where I waited. She arrived and I approached her, took out the paper and discreetly (or so I thought) read it off to her, but I started with an "excuse me, I don't mean to bother you, but ..." because she had headphones in (see I am a good listener!). When I was done with my spiel she was smiling, so I took it as a good sign and when I turned to walk away she said "What you're just going to leave it at that?". I didn't know what she meant by this so I said "what?" and she laughed, she said "You wrote that paper out, nice touch I like it". Apparently she thought the paper was a joke and I have a dry sense of humor. I clarified it was not and she sympathized, she explained she is from out of state and doesn't know very many people here, and then she said "happy birthday". I smiled like the idiot I am instead of saying "thank you". She invited me to sit down, and I did. I told her that tomorrow the physics department is having a Neutron Stars presentation at the observatory and I was going there for my birthday if she wanted to come. She asked who was going and I said just me, she said that "she'd love to" and suddenly I felt on cloud9. I didn't know how to ask for her phone number, luckily I didn't have to because she asked for mine and said it's so she knows how to get there.

I really couldn't be happier. I wish I could have stayed at the bookstore longer, because she stays there until 10, but I have classes to attend. Tomorrow I can stay there longer, and even if she isn't my girlfriend she's a friend and that's all I really wanted. I feel like I can lift the Earth right now, this feeling is incomparable.

Something weird as hell is going on, it's like high school where apparently being the most awkward person in the world is cute.

(I paraphrased a lot of the conversation because she used slang and colloquialisms and I do not like to type either of those)

 

[BHL 20]

"Hello, my name is Ben my major is physics what's yours?" (pause to let her answer). "Oh, cool I hear there are many lucrative careers in that field, I am sorry for saying hi to you yesterday and making you almost wreck, I am attempting to overcome a social fear I have" (pause to let her either be disgusted or to laugh) "Well, as you may know I come here quite a bit, and when you began coming here I was attracted to you based solely on looks, at first, which is very superficial, I know. But then I noticed the way you dressed indicated you have similar social views as me and the books you carry, the music you listen to- all similar to me. So I set a deadline for myself, on my birthday- today- I would greet you, hopefully not on a bike" (pause and smile) "Sorry if I creep you out but, you're very interesting and I see you are studying French, J'ai grandi dans les régions francophones de Belgique, je peux vous aider avec ça."

B3NR4Y, wow, after everything I said yesterday you came out and proved me wrong. Man you have some bloody balls going up and complimenting her and admitting to your fear. You have my respect!

 

[B3NR4Y]

B3NR4Y, wow, after everything I said yesterday you came out and proved me wrong. Man you have some bloody balls going up and complimenting her and admitting to your fear. You have my respect!

I take no credit, I went to my dad with it and he said girls value honesty over everything.