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I Want to Talk to a Pretty Girl

  1. Sep 15, 2014 #1

    B3NR4Y

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    My social skills are quite low, so I will put this in a familiar format.

    1. The problem statement, all variables and given/known data
    Every morning at 7 AM I head to my university's bookstore for breakfast, and I sit at the center table. Starting last week, a girl who is absolutely beautiful started going and studying at a table across from mine, where I sit directly facing her. I can't help but notice her, she makes my body feel like jelly and my mind race. I promised myself I'd say "hi" on my birthday. My birthday is Thursday.

    There's also one girl I see walking to a class while I walk to my physics class that'd I'd like to say hello to, but I don't know how.

    2. Relevant equations
    me + pretty girl = happiness
    me-pretty girl = jelly

    3. The attempt at a solution
    I don't know where to begin. A "hey you come here a lot, what's your major?" or "I couldn't help but notice how pretty you are please be my friend", or maybe even "it's my birthday pls respond".

    Forgot to add, I have aspergers and social interaction makes me feel absolutely anxious, but I am sick of being a prisoner to it and I want to have a girlfriend or at least a real life friend.
     
  2. jcsd
  3. Sep 15, 2014 #2

    Matterwave

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    I think really it's just 90% the guts to say something. I mean girls (people in general) are generally not so mean that they would rebuff you if you are just being friendly and trying to talk to them. You could always go with something like "hey, I notice you here a lot, mind if I join you? If you're not busy?", and let the conversation go from there. But hey, I'm no charmer so I don't know how much you should trust my advice lol!
     
  4. Sep 15, 2014 #3

    B3NR4Y

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    Yeah just thinking about talking to her makes me scared. Knowing what to say would make it a helluva lot easier haha.
     
  5. Sep 15, 2014 #4

    Rocket50

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    You're not supposed to give a full solution! Only hints are allowed.
     
  6. Sep 15, 2014 #5

    Matterwave

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    Don't over think it. The more you think and obsess about what to say, I find, the worse it becomes. You start rehearsing what to say in your head and it sounds weirder and weirder the more you rehearse it, so by the time you are saying it, your voice might crack or you fumble and forget your rehearsed line and panic. Don't do that!

    There's no really "perfect pick up line" because everybody is different. So just say what comes naturally. More important than what you say is how you say it and if you can deliver the line with confidence (assuming a reasonable statement of course! "I want to be inside you~~~" is probably not going to fly even if you have the confidence of Kanye West).
     
  7. Sep 15, 2014 #6

    Astronuc

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    That sounds like anxiety, and probably related to fear of rejection.

    I've been diagnosed as ASD, or some combination of Asperger's and high function autistism (and ADD/ADHD), however, I pretty much made up my mind to say to Hi to folks, including attractive women, and as a result, I developed a number of friendships with many folks, including attractive women.
     
  8. Sep 15, 2014 #7

    B3NR4Y

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    I've been told actually having confidence isn't the key, but feigning confidence enough to where she believes YOU have the confidence is what makes it work. I have two days to ponder this so I'll probably dream about it tonight, go to school tomorrow and see her then realize I'm not good enogu then push the deadline back. C'est la vie.
     
  9. Sep 15, 2014 #8

    Evo

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    I have to say that falsity is wrong. It's weird. It's creepy. Don't do it. Either it's how you are or not. Don't pretend.

    Yeah, I'm watching murder shows of husbands killing wives where the husband pretended to be something they weren't to get their wives to marry them then killed their wives because the couldn't keep up the pretense.
     
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2014
  10. Sep 15, 2014 #9
    What is the girl studying? What books does she have? Does she wear an interesting ring or bracelet? Look for anything just to comment on and get a reply. The next day talk a bit longer.

    Make it about her not you. Does she take a math class that you could help her with? Or perhaps you are taking a math class she could help you with.

    What field of study are you in? or What is your major? are both old conversation starters that still work.

    Most of all don't sit there looking worried perplexed, and thinking; should I speak to her now, should I wait, what should I do.

    The absolute necessity is to SMILE dude, the whole world loves a smile. A smile can even change your own body chemistry. Put on a happy face and speak to that girl.

    Another thing that you may have to make yourself do, is to make eye contact. Even if just briefly and then look away and back again if you are uncomfortable. Remember the smile and the eye contact as if they are going to be on a test.
     
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2014
  11. Sep 16, 2014 #10
    Ohohoho! I, The Great Honorable Master of English At The Top Of The Great Flaming Mountain and Venerable Marshal of Awesome Poetry shall help you! *bragging and boasting*

    Let me look at my dictionary for words you can say... I'm just joking.

    The following advise may seem like an automated answer and laughable, but I insist these basics must be assimilated first: Be it a girl or a boy, it is important to understand what is it they are after. To understand them, first you must socialize and spend countless hours conversing with humans. There you will learn proper ways to approach the target human by appealing to their ways when you are okay with what appeals them. If you can offer something appealing to the target human, it is most likely you will be welcomed. (Appealing being defined here not necessary as something material, but sometimes as intelligence, emotions, frienship, class, respect, and whatnot.)

    What appeals to each individual is something I insist you must learn through the process called socializing. Sometimes you will find that you are not okay with what is appealing to some humans. In those cases it's obvious that you won't approach them since like Evo said, you would be offering something you are not okay with. Your original self will backslash and you will get in trouble.
     
  12. Sep 16, 2014 #11

    B3NR4Y

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    Oh the dreaded socialization. I knew that I'd have to do it eventually, just not so soon.

    I've been sort of a creeper and watched her in the bookstore (not obviously and not really creepy, just observing) and she always has a chemistry book and algebra, my specialty.

    Now this might seem like a bad thing to say or assume, but based on the way she dresses and carries herself she's an independent woman, a feminist (nothing against them, but she is). To me this might make it harder because she will see past the dance and think I'm objectifying her, which I'm not but I'd imagine a girl as pretty as her gets lots of guys saying "hi" and what separates me from them? I'm 6'3", 140 lbs., lanky as all hell and I can't form a sentence without second guessing myself.
     
  13. Sep 16, 2014 #12

    B3NR4Y

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    Eye contact, I swear that's impossible for me, any other peeps on the spectrum (or off) that have special tricks for maintaining eye contact without feeling uncomfortable?
     
  14. Sep 16, 2014 #13
    The key to talking naturally to people is reaching that place of zen where you just don't give a **** what anyone thinks :).
     
  15. Sep 16, 2014 #14

    ShayanJ

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    The one key point which you should understand, not only for getting to that girl but for any kind of social interaction, is that no one(I'm actually not considering people who really want to hurt others!!!) is going to reject you, mock you, or anything else because of such things. Just be yourself and even let her know its hard for you to start a conversation. First, she's only a human, like you. She has the same thoughts. She may as well have same problems as you have, more or less. Second, because of the first, and also because she isn't after hurting you and she may also be very kind, she will understand that its hard for you and I promise she will help you. So don't feel anxious what's going to happen. Its OK that you don't talk fluently, Its OK to be shy, Its OK to cut your speeches.
    I only wanna say, Its OK man, just go for it. and if you don't know what to say, just go by the table and ask whether you can sit there or not and then start being shy and uncomfortable. Also make it look like you want to say something but you can't. That's it. She will understand and will help you through it. She starts questioning and that's where things get easy because you know what you should say, you should just answer the questions. But remember, BE HONEST!
     
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2014
  16. Sep 16, 2014 #15

    B3NR4Y

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    I just got to the library from the bookstore and she was there, this time though she held the door for me and smiled. We're gonna get married.
     
  17. Sep 16, 2014 #16

    ShayanJ

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    I think she has noticed your attention and knows about your feeling. It makes things easier.
     
  18. Sep 16, 2014 #17

    Astronuc

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    I hope you said, "Thank you". Perfect opening.
     
  19. Sep 16, 2014 #18

    B3NR4Y

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    Uhh, I just kind of muttered it, I think she heard. I hope she heard. Tomorrow if something similar happens I'll be sure to vocalize louder
     
  20. Sep 16, 2014 #19
    Don't act like you're indifferent about it when you're not. If she's there and you (clearly) are in cloud 9 when she is, express it. With the door even, look in her eyes and say thank you and smile - you don't have to go overboard, of course.
    When you talk to her, don't make it about her exclusively, don't make it a quiz either where you question and she answers. It just has to feel right.

    Long story short - practice practice practice. Socialising that is - it won't work if you think you have it all figured out in your head, no no no.
     
  21. Sep 16, 2014 #20

    B3NR4Y

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    So it seems to me socialising is a lot like doing math problems, do enough and it becomes easy. I certainly wouldn't want my first math problem I ever see to be a partial differential equation, which talking to this girl is, so in the two days until my birthday I will just say "hi" to everyone I can, and try to be friendly.
     
  22. Sep 16, 2014 #21
    She is not a partial differential calculation you have to figure out. She is a person, so is anyone. There is no calculation involved.

    I don't want to be rude, but the way you go about it is something like this: "I'll lay low for now, LATER when I feel more confident I could talk to this woman without dying inside for fear of rejection and all that which follows". LATER -> not determined

    You have to realise that it's not guaranteed that "if you do everything right" then you are home free.
    Assuming you have totally healthy legs-feet and you want to jog, but have some kind of mental-block about jogging, running out of breath quickly or any other problems you might have. How can you fix that with reasoning about it endlessly? You can't, the only thing to do is to get over yourself and jog.

    Saying hi to people and being friendly sounds good, but I, as well as many other people, I'm sure, could only tell someone's friendly if you can have a conversation with them. Saying hi shows etiquette, it's a form of polite behaviour, cannot conclude that the person is genuinely friendly.
    Try to engage in conversations with people, that's the only way you can get the "feeling" for it.

    I wish you good luck, since I struggled with such problems a few years ago myself.
     
  23. Sep 16, 2014 #22
    Let me give you a rule of thumb for approaching anyone in public:

    Do not approach anyone, ever, unless you have something to give them that they will like. In other words, never approach anyone with the intention of taking something from them, or of imposing a burden on them.

    I would wager the root of your nervousness in approaching her is due to the fact you sense you have nothing to give her and you realize you would actually be begging for approval. You realize you would be approaching her as a supplicant, and you also realize that's not going to appeal to her.

    Saying you are bad at social interactions is true, but misleading. It obscures the real, concrete problem, which is that you would be approaching her to take rather than give, and, Asperger's or not, you realize that's not the position you want to be in with respect to a girl you like. You want to approach as an equal, or a superior, not as a beggar.

    Complements and gifts are often a kind of extortion, so you have to eschew them as well. Telling a girl she's pretty usually means: "I have complimented you, now you owe me." Guys try to do this all the time, try to force girls into an exchange they never agreed to and don't want. Some random guy's unsolicited opinion of their physical beauty should not ever be construed as a debt they are now required to repay, or even appreciate. Always bear in mind, they didn't ask for your opinion! They owe you nothing. An unsolicited compliment is not "giving" at all if you authentically expect the least reciprocation. The same goes for random, unsolicited gifts.

    Any time you look at a girl and your stomach gets all squishy and your legs turn to jelly, etc., it's time to pack it in and admit you lost that round. It is not possible to approach her under those conditions without being 'an unworthy supplicant to a superior being'. And girls don't like that.

    You may wonder what anyone ever has to "give" someone else that isn't actually part of an unspoken exchange. The truth is that the initial "move" is always an invitation to exchange. The thing to pay attention to is that it's an "invitation," not a fait accompli. If you open a market on the corner, you might give out free samples to passers-by. It's an invitation to customers to come in and buy something. You can't go out and desperately beg them to come in, and you certainly can't shove something into their hands and claim they now owe you. The invitation has to be light, non-binding, casual. A guy with a squishy stomach and jelly-legs can't pull that off.

    This is how life is: you see a car you like but realize you can't afford it. You see a girl you like, but realize you got nothing to offer her. I realized a long time ago Angelina Jolie is never, ever, ever, ever going to be Mrs. Zoobyshoe. I'm over it. Well almost.
     
  24. Sep 16, 2014 #23

    lisab

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    Zooby, that might be the best relationship advice ever posted here. It's brilliant :thumbs:.
     
  25. Sep 16, 2014 #24

    B3NR4Y

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    While I've never been one to pack it in when told I can't- or rather shouldn't. At this point, until I can get rid of the squishy tummy and the jelly-legs, I will just have to all it quits. I've literally nothing to offer anyone, and I'm fine with that. I will focus on my studies and MAYBE stop chasing the goal society has set out for me- which is:
    get a wife, start a family, and pay bills. Maybe I do belong alone, and I should accept that- there is a certain amount of confidence that comes with that, and I believe that will rid me of the jelly-legs.

    I'll live with loneliness, at least until the next pretty girl gives me half a glance and I fall into the cycle again. Thanks~

    P.S. I am not a native English speaker, so some of this may have come off differently than I intended it. It's all genuine and non-pity party.
     
  26. Sep 16, 2014 #25

    lisab

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    Do you ever talk with women do don't give you the squishy feeling?
     
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