Collection of Lame Jokes

[QuarkCharmer]

I miss the mathematician jokes

What do you call the ratio of a pigs length to the square root of the sum of it's height squared and length squared?

\frac{Pig_{length}}{\sqrt(Pig_{length}^{2}+Pig_{height}^{2})} =

Spoiler

coswine

 

[micromass]

I miss the mathematician jokes

Enjoy:


How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
None. The answer is intuitively obvious.​

How many numerical analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

3.9967 (after six iterations).​

How many mathematical logicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They can't do it, but they can easily prove that itcan be done.
​

How many classical geometers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You can't do it with a straight edge and a compass.​

How many analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to prove existence, one to prove uniqueness and one to derive a nonconstructive algorithm to do it.
​

How many number theorists does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know the exact number, but I am sure it must be some rather elegant prime.​

 

[Ivan Seeking]

How many PFers does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten members to debate the issue as a current event. Two moderators to ban the offending members. Two members to initiate debates on the choice of light bulbs. One member to start a thread complaining about CFs. Six members to debate the effects of lightbulb selection on the grid. Eight members to debate the philosophical implications of lightbulbs, changing lightbulbs, and the existence of lightbulbs, and one member to argue that the lightbulb doesn't need changing and its really a socialist plot.

The lightbulb never gets changed.

 

[Char. Limit]

How many PFers does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten members to debate the issue as a current event. Two moderators to ban the offending members. Two members to initiate debates on the choice of light bulbs. One member to start a thread complaining about CFs. Six members to debate the effects of lightbulb selection on the grid. Eight members to debate the philosophical implications of lightbulbs, changing lightbulbs, and the existence of lightbulbs, and one member to argue that the lightbulb doesn't need changing and its really a socialist plot.

The lightbulb never gets changed.

*likes this post*

 

[Borek]

This is more or less full version:

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

1 to change the light bulb

1 to post that the light bulb in fact has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 Mentor to warn everyone that dangerous activities should be not discussed at forum

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

2 other Mentors to send 5 warnings and 2 infractions to offenders

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb"is perfectly correct

1 Evo to remind users that they should not state opinions as facts

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

5 Mentors to delete spam posts to light bulb selling sites

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

3 Mentors to delete spam posts to light bulb selling sites again

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

1 Admin to delete spam again

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this forum which makes light bulbs relevant to this forum

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

1 Mentor calling everyone to calm down

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

1 micromass to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Borek's post should be moved to the engineering forum.

 

[Hootenanny]

This is more or less full version:

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

<snip>

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

 

[OmCheeto]

Plus one ex-sailor with a light bulb in his mouth going off topic with a completely random thought to point out why there is a globe on the shirtsleeves of U.S. Naval electricians rather than a light bulb:

It has been reported that the rating badges for Electrician were first ordered specifying a "globe" ( meaning electric light bulb) as the specialty mark. On delivery, the mark manufactured out to be a replica of the world globe. Despite the error in communications, the world globe looked so well that it was retained. No evidence has been found to dispute this theory to explain the mark which does not visually represent its rating.

And that it is advantageous to keep ones old navy clothes with the white globe as you can color it orange and put little black triangles on it and go to Halloween parties as a Pumpkins Mate.

 

[jtbell]

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

Shouldn't that be "6 years"?

 

[BobG]

There's already a thread about changing lightbulbs (light bulbs): https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=25663

Please make your lightbulb/light bulb/lamp/globe/glowing thingy posts in the appropriate thread.

 

[Lancelot59]

\int\frac{1}{mower} d(mower)

 

[QuarkCharmer]

\frac{1}{mower} d(mower)

Should there be an integral there?

Natural Log mower plus C?

 

[Lancelot59]

Should there be an integral there?

Natural Log mower plus C?

I edited it in. Correct. Pronounced "ln mower". You may now commence laughing.

 

[Char. Limit]

I edited it in. Correct. Pronounced "ln mower". You may now commence laughing.

"lin mower"

I don't get it.

 

[Lancelot59]

"lin mower"

I don't get it.

You fail at humor. :/

"lawn mower"

 

[Borek]

Log cabin I know.

 

[QuarkCharmer]

Plus one ex-sailor with a light bulb in his mouth going off topic with a completely random thought to point out why there is a globe on the shirtsleeves of U.S. Naval electricians rather than a light bulb:

And that it is advantageous to keep ones old navy clothes with the white globe as you can color it orange and put little black triangles on it and go to Halloween parties as a Pumpkins Mate.

I never knew that, and I was an AE for a time.

 

[HeLiXe]

I edited it in. Correct. Pronounced "ln mower". You may now commence laughing.

laughing commenced LOLz good one! I always try to make jokes that require some thought and they come out dull and boring...I think I spend too much time on the logical setting so the punchline is unexpected.

 

[micromass]

More mathematician jokes:

A mathematician is showing a new proof he came up with to a large group of
peers. After he's gone through most of it, one of the mathematicians says,
"Wait! That's not true. I have a counter-example!"

He replies, "That's okay. I have two proofs."

 

[HeLiXe]

lololll

 

[micromass]

After covering several blackboards with densely packed computations and expressions filled with Bessel functions and more, the professor remembered that there were many undergraduate students in the room. Feeling just a twinge of remorse that perhaps he was talking above the heads of some of the students in his audience, he turned around and asked the audience if there were any students who had never seen a Bessel function. The audience was silent for a moment. Finally, one intrepid student raised his hand to admit that he had never seen Bessel functions. The professor nodded with apparent comprehension. Without hesitation, he turned around and pointed at the blackboard, while saying "well, there's one now" and continued his talk.

 

[Galron]

The lamest and thus ironically funny joke I ever heard was:

What did Hitler say to his men before they got in their tanks?

Men get in your tanks.

It's funny only because when you hear the bewilderment and groans of people you just can't help laughing.

Of course the funniest joke is:

Spoiler

My dog has no nose

How does he smell?

Awful!

Warning reading the above joke may well result in death by hysteria.

And was used in an effort to win the war against The Hun, Monty Python is truth: fact.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9XJeL2MNpw

 

[QuarkCharmer]

After covering several blackboards with densely packed computations and expressions filled with Bessel functions and more, the professor remembered that there were many undergraduate students in the room. Feeling just a twinge of remorse that perhaps he was talking above the heads of some of the students in his audience, he turned around and asked the audience if there were any students who had never seen a Bessel function. The audience was silent for a moment. Finally, one intrepid student raised his hand to admit that he had never seen Bessel functions. The professor nodded with apparent comprehension. Without hesitation, he turned around and pointed at the blackboard, while saying "well, there's one now" and continued his talk.

At risk of being a bessel function myself, I don't get it?lim_{n \to \infty} \frac{sin(x)}{n} = 6

 

[Galron]

At risk of being a bessel function myself, I don't get it?


lim_{n \to \infty} \frac{sin(x)}{n} = 6

Joke is wasted on me as well? :S

 

[micromass]

At risk of being a bessel function myself, I don't get it?

Bessel functions have nothing to do with the joke. It's just about a sadistic professor

Imagine being in a lecture that goes way above your head. So in the middle you dare to ask something in the lines of "I've never seen integrals before". And the lecturer just writes \int on the board and says: "now you have"
It's the lack of explanation from the professor that makes it funny...




OK, I suck at telling jokes...

 

[micromass]

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative
merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife
and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.

The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
security lowers your stress and is good for your health.

The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so
that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress
thinks you're with your wife --- you can do some mathematics.

 

[Isaacsname]

What do you call a college dropout in Prague ?

A canceled Czech.

 

[QuarkCharmer]

Bessel functions have nothing to do with the joke. It's just about a sadistic professor

Imagine being in a lecture that goes way above your head. So in the middle you dare to ask something in the lines of "I've never seen integrals before". And the lecturer just writes \int on the board and says: "now you have"
It's the lack of explanation from the professor that makes it funny...




OK, I suck at telling jokes...

Oh, I thought he was implying the student was a Bessel Function. I thought it was some sort of fancy name for a function that has a really small range or something.

 

[Borg]

[PLAIN]http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lrn9xgh48b1qewacoo1_400.png

 

[Lancelot59]

[PLAIN]http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lrn9xgh48b1qewacoo1_400.png[/QUOTE]

That cat's so crazy. In other news.

ENGINEERING STUDENT BAT
[URL]http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_loyr5qttvI1qhi27ro1_500.jpg[/URL]
[PLAIN]http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnvxc9m0P21qhi27ro1_400.jpg
[URL]http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnn76p7mXM1qhi27ro1_400.png[/URL]

I just found a new source of entertainment.

 

[jtbell]

Imagine being in a lecture that goes way above your head. So in the middle you dare to ask something in the lines of "I've never seen integrals before". And the lecturer just writes \int on the board and says: "now you have"

That reminds me of an old story about Wolfgang Pauli. After giving a colloquium somewhere:

Pauli: Any questions?

Audience member: Professor Pauli, I don't understand how you got from equation #5 to equation #6.

Pauli: That is a statement, not a question.

 

[pessimist]

That reminds me of an old story about Wolfgang Pauli. After giving a colloquium somewhere:

Pauli: Any questions?

Audience member: Professor Pauli, I don't understand how you got from equation #5 to equation #6.

Pauli: That is a statement, not a question.

Do you mean Paul Dirac?

http://www.dirac.ch/PaulDirac.html

 

[IMP]

I figured out how to travel faster than the speed of light! I will give you the details yesterday...

 

[jtbell]

Do you mean Paul Dirac?

http://www.dirac.ch/PaulDirac.html

I thought I read it as a story about Pauli, but it definitely does fit Dirac, so I'll accept it as a correction!

Here's another Dirac story... he once traveled to (I think) the University of Wisconsin, where the physics students' club arranged a group dinner for him. At some point, they realized that nobody knew Dirac's full name. This was before he had become really famous, and he had only used the initials "P. A. M." in his correspondence. So they made up place cards for the dinner table, which read something like: "Reserved for Prof. _____ / Dinner in honor of / Peter Alfred Martin Dirac". Each card had a different set of names with the same initials.

When Dirac saw the table, he caught on and walked around it, giving hints as he went, and eventually the students were able to come pretty close to piecing his name together: Paul Adrian Morris instead of Paul Adrien Maurice.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I was reviewing a mechanical system for errors and noticed that when the draftsman moved part of a system 5 inches upwards, the bolt shafts made the move but the respective bolt heads didn't. We've decided these are called "wormhole bolts".

 

[jobyts]

Wife: Honey, I think I'm going to do it. I want bigger boobs. I want $5000 to get a boob job.

Husband: We don't have $5000 to spend on boobs right now, why don't you take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your boobs 2-3 times a day.

Wife: Toilet paper? Why will that make my boobs bigger?

Husband: Beats me, but look what it has done for your a$$ over the years!

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A: Halfway.

 

[FizixFreak]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SbwmooRTBI&feature=related"

Really what are the odds of that heppening?

 

[Lisa!]

 

[Lancelot59]

Besides the grammar, funny. I wonder how an actual vegetarian would react to that.

 

[FizixFreak]

But what about the poor little insects that live under that rock who would want to destroy their home...,now that would be cruel

 

[FizixFreak]

PATIENT:Doctor please help me! i pee at 6am and poop at 7am

DOCTOR:I don't see what the problem is.









PATIENT:I wake up at 8am!

 

[jobyts]

But what about the poor little insects that live under that rock who would want to destroy their home...,now that would be cruel

Eat light. Be a breatherian.

 

[DaveC426913]

Eat light. Be a breatherian.

Anyone (old enough to) remember Bloom County? They had a sketch where they hung from trees to avoid stepping on bugs and had filters over their mouths so as not to breathe bacteria.

 

[OmCheeto]

Anyone (old enough to) remember Bloom County? They had a sketch where they hung from trees to avoid stepping on bugs and had filters over their mouths so as not to breathe bacteria.

I'm old enough! But don't remember that particular set.

Anyone old enough to remember this one:

I'd rather have a bottle in front o' me than a frontal lobotomy.​

 

[FizixFreak]

Anyone (old enough to) remember Bloom County? They had a sketch where they hung from trees to avoid stepping on bugs and had filters over their mouths so as not to breathe bacteria.

I saw a documentary about an african tribe that also "filtered" their mouth for same reason can't remember the name of that tribe it was very long time ago does anybody has any information about them?

But i just couldn't understand how someone so premitive would even know about microoraganisms or they just found that out when they came in contact with outsiders i.e normal people.

HIPPIES:Dude you know about the millions of becteria you kill when you inhale?

TRIBESMEN:SH*T...,we need mouth filters.

 

[jobyts]

Anyone (old enough to) remember Bloom County? They had a sketch where they hung from trees to avoid stepping on bugs and had filters over their mouths so as not to breathe bacteria.

Some of the Jain Monks do it even now.
From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ahimsa_in_Jainism,

the concept of Ahiṃsā is so much intertwined with Jainism that it conjures up images of ascetics who cover their mouths and sweep the ground before them with small brushes to avoid injuring the most minuscule forms of life and Jain-owned animal sanctuaries where even the sickest, most deformed birds and beasts are protected and cherished.

 

[Lisa!]

 

[FizixFreak]

Eat light. Be a breatherian.

I think phototerian would be the right word!

 

[IMP]

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."