Collection of Lame Jokes

[DaveC426913]

What is a 3.15159m snake called?
a πthon.

Hmm. Something in there about the snake swallowing a centipede? because your number is off by a hundredth.

 

[DaveC426913]

In their defense, none of them are climbing, playing on AND around pipe.

Now, if the sign said OR...

 

[WWGD]

In their defense, none of them are climbing, playing on AND around pipe.

Now, if the sign said OR...

Good. Another joke analysis. We need more deep analysis in the jokes section.

 

[phinds]

I know JUST how the guy in the chair feels:

 

[WWGD]

My friend Pierre had a horrible last Thursday. A trajeudi.

 

[BillTre]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[jack action]

As a child, you liked ringing doorbells and run away?

FedEx is hiring ...

 

[phinds]

 

[BillTre]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[mfb]

(found on reddit)

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[Keith_McClary]

Air Canada promises 100 bonus Aeroplan Miles to any passenger that gets COVID
(TheBeaverton)

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 265592

I used to collect stamps, but I stopped. It turns out that philately will get you nowhere.

 

[davenn]

My obese parrot died

It was sad, but it was a huge weight of my shoulder

 

[fresh_42]

My obese parrot died

It was sad, but it was a huge weight of my shoulder

Are you sure?

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

Are you sure?

one of my fav's from Monty Python

..."if you hadnt nailed him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies by now"...

 

[jtbell]

Have you ever wondered what's happening to all those plants left behind in offices shuttered by work-from-home?

They're being taken care of by a corps of volunteers, whose motto is "Semper ficus".

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Keith_McClary]

More Covid toons:
https://www.gocomics.com/rubes/2020/06/30
https://www.gocomics.com/rubes/2020/06/24

 

[Ibix]

You know that "i before e except after c" rule for spelling? It's been disproved by scientists.

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

I think I'm going to start a business selling second hand defibrillators in shocking condition and vacuum cleaners that suck. Any ideas for other products I could sell?

 

[DrGreg]

I think I'm going to start a business selling second hand defibrillators in shocking condition and vacuum cleaners that suck. Any ideas for other products I could sell?

If you sell vacuum cleaners, business will be picking up.

 

[Ibix]

If you sell vacuum cleaners, business will be picking up.

Good point! And I could start a taxi service as a side-line.

 

[fresh_42]

I think I'm going to start a business selling second hand defibrillators in shocking condition and vacuum cleaners that suck. Any ideas for other products I could sell?

Well, there are the evergreens, homing pigeons and boomerangs, but their markets are highly competitive.

How about waterproof sieves? But watch out for thieves! A comparably safe good would be firewood for rent.

 

[Ibix]

The company cafe will serve toasted sandwiches that aren't cool.

 

[fresh_42]

Chef arrested in Cardiff. Sold Irish Stew made in Wales.

 

[Ibix]

...and the cop who caught him said "Irish stew in the name of the law".

 

[WWGD]

 

[mfb]

I think I'm going to start a business selling second hand defibrillators in shocking condition and vacuum cleaners that suck. Any ideas for other products I could sell?

That's easy, every vacuum cleaner sucks.

In one way or another.Second hand hand prosthesis? They come in quite handy.

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[Keith_McClary]

markets are highly competitive.
...
A comparably safe good would be firewood for rent.

Straw Bale Rental already has competition.

 

[jack action]

Interviewer: How do you explain this 2-year gap on your resume?

Me: That's when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That's impressive. You're hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

 

[WWGD]

 

[davenn]

some will remember the song

 

[WWGD]

That's easy, every vacuum cleaner sucks.

In one way or another.Second hand hand prosthesis? They come in quite handy.

Only way Microsoft can do something that doesn't suck is if they made vacuum cleaners.

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

I've just finished writing my book on penguins! In hindsight, it would probably have been easier to write it on paper.

 

[fresh_42]

I've just finished writing my book on penguins! In hindsight, it would probably have been easier to write it on paper.

You're 82 years late!

 

[Ibix]

Do you know how to tell the sex of an ant? Drop it in a glass of water. If it floats: boy ant.

And further on the topic, did you know that ants don't get sick? It turns out that they have little anty bodies.

 

[Ibix]

You're 82 years late!

Yeah - fitting the things into the typewriter took ages.