Collection of Lame Jokes
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Too funny. Yesterday on my drive home I noticed that the American Flag at a McDonald's restarurant was at half-staff. As usual, I thought "Uh-oh, who died?". (In the end it turned out to be for Senator Harry Reid, who recently passed away.)
But when I did a Google search to try to figure it out, I got the hit below. LOL
But when I did a Google search to try to figure it out, I got the hit below. LOL
DaveC426913
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And here I thought it was smoke signal telling passersby that the ice cream machine was out of order.
DennisN
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Few people know that cats were the original entrepreneurs behind Amazon:
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text: vodka saved more animals than Greenpeace
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An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm going to have to explain it five times.'
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm going to have to explain it five times.'
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Scientists have recently discovered a highly sophisticated communication network between plants. They've christened it WhatSap.
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Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
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Gads, I remember now hearing that decades ago but had totally forgotten the punch line. Nice chuckle. Thanks.
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Reminds me of the guy who was heavily into phrenology and found out that a famous phrenologist was giving a lecture on the same night as he had a date with a really beautiful and witty young woman. He was having a really hard time choosing. Her suggestion: flip a coin.
DaveC426913
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Do sprinters eat before a race?
No, they fast.
No, they fast.
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DennisN
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valenumr
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This is why you put the toilet paper roll backwards... Or just don't have cats.DennisN said:
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True story -- I was once in the Medical Supply section of the Stanford University Bookstore, and a little girl who was there with her parents noticed a half-size skeleton on display. She walked over and stood right in front of it (she was exactly as tall as the skeleton), and kept staring at it. It was kind of like she was trying to figure out what it was, and if it was a kid thing of some sort. The parents and I made eye contact, and we all had big grins on our faces. Classic moment... 
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berkeman said:True story -- I was once in the Medical Supply section of the Stanford University Bookstore, and a little girl who was there with her parents noticed a half-size skeleton on display. She walked over and stood right in front of it (she was exactly as tall as the skeleton), and kept staring at it. It was kind of like she was trying to figure out what it was, and if it was a kid thing of some sort. The parents and I made eye contact, and we all had big grins on our faces. Classic moment...
It needed an abstract a 2 year old could understand.
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... or if you want to scare him sh*tless one morning by quietly placing it near his bed during the night.berkeman said:
