Collection of Lame Jokes

[Bob Walance]

I was reading an obituary page today in the newspaper and noticed that everyone listed in this obituary had died in alphabetical order.

 

[phinds]

I was reading an obituary page today in the newspaper and noticed that everyone listed in this obituary had died in alphabetical order.

Yes, the newspapers have deals with elderly people to do it that way.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[Borg]

Automatic Barking System?

 

[sbrothy]

And still there are people who think i'ts a good idea to ingest them recreationally.

The "Experience Reports" section at erowid.org offers some pretty funny reads (YMMV). Especially the category "Trainwrecks and Trip Disasters", and specifically with Salvia Divinorum.

 

[Orodruin]

Don’t know if anyone else is into gaming and gaming communities, but I found this hillarious:

 

[Bandersnatch]

Apeman here. That's no exploit. It's legitimate min-maxing. The complainers should have thought better than using stamina as their dump stat (that's what charisma's for).
Also, lol at trying to get the admin to intervene. He plays apeman too. Funny story about that - his last character was almost immediately griefed and had to use debug mode to respawn. Largely leaves the server alone since then, so good luck whining.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[fresh_42]

Rare job. This woman dubs foreign tennis stars: "Uh!" "Oah!" "Mmmah!" "Ooh!" "Out!"

 

[WWGD]

 

[phinds]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[DennisN]

I mean, it's not rocket science.

An oldie but goldie on the topic of rocket science (not salads):

 

[nsaspook]

"Captain, They Are Now Locking Lasers On Us." LT. Worf​

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

A mother is reading a story to her children on the subway.
I'm already four stops further because I want to know whether the dwarf will get his cap back.

 

[Orodruin]

A mother is reading a story to her children on the subway.
I'm already four stops further because I want to know whether the dwarf will get his cap back.

I mean, I get it but as a parent I find it unrealistic. She knows if the dwarf gets the cap back. She’s read it countless times before but the kids keep insisting. Of course the cap is found in the end. It always is. Every time.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[DrGreg]

My uncle's motto was "Fight fire with fire".

That's why he lost his job as a firefighter.

 

[Borg]

From ChatGPT in the style of Rodney Dangerfield:

I'll tell ya, being a firefighter is like being stuck in a perpetual inferno of disrespect. I rush into burning buildings, dodging flames like they're my exes trying to make a comeback, and what do I get? 'Nice hose, buddy!' Yeah, well, I ain't watering the lawn here!

I'm out there battling blazes, sweating more than a politician taking a lie detector test, and what do I hear? 'Hey, don't you guys have calendars?' Yeah, sure, let me just schedule the fire around my photoshoot!

 

[nuuskur]

 

[jtbell]

If a dog poops in the forest (or a vacant lot) where nobody can smell it, does it still stink?

 

[dextercioby]

 

[BillTre]

 

[collinsmark]

View attachment 340395

Several years back I was reading something or other (maybe history related), and came upon the term "caltrops," that were thrown on the ground as a defensive measure in battle. I didn't know what the term meant so I looked it up.

I was immediately familiar the image of a caltrop, but couldn't place why it looked so remarkably familiar. I mean, I've never been in an ancient battle with cavalry and chariots and whatnot. What is it about these weapons that rings so familiar?! I could almost still feel the pain just by looking at the image.

Oh, yeah. Jacks. Of course. Jacks. That makes sense.

 

[Nugatory]

View attachment 340395

In the southeastern United States we have sweetgum balls. IYKYK.

 

[Borg]

"caltrops,"

I've always wanted the capability to deploy them for use against tailgaters but there would be too much collateral damage to other cars.

 

[Ibix]

I've always wanted the capability to deploy them for use against tailgaters but there would be too much collateral damage to other cars.

Tow 'em behind you on strings.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[jack action]

View attachment 340476

Where is $x$?

 

[Ibix]

Where is $x$?

$y\ u$ want to know?

 

[phinds]

Where is $x$?

Pertinent to the math, irrelevant to the joke.

 

[DrGreg]

Where is $x$?

With Wally (for UK readers).

With Waldo (for US readers).

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 340395

" You don't know Jack's "

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

Actually they breath through trachea.

 

[jack action]

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.

The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few then he blushed and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.'

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

 

[nsaspook]

 

[davenn]