Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ibix]

View attachment 341002

That's not usin' yer noodle!

 

[davenn]

 

[BillTre]

 

[berkeman]

 

[Ibix]

Universities hate physics departments because they always want to spend money on oscilloscopes or particle accelerators or something. They prefer maths departments because they only need paper, pencils and a bin. And they love philosophy departments because they don't need the bin.

 

[Orodruin]

And they love philosophy departments because they don't need the bin.

You mean the department of theoretical physics!

 

[Ibix]

You mean the department of theoretical physics!

A young experimentalist runs up to a distinguished professor.

"Professor! We've finished the experiment and A is directly proportional to B!"

The professor nods sagely.

"Ah!" says the professor. "That is easy to explain. A is directly proportional to B because..." But he's interrupted by the experimentalist.

"I'm sorry Professor, I mis-spoke. A is inversely proportional to B."

"Ah!" says the professor. "That is even easier to explain!"

 

[DennisN]

 

[BillTre]

Universities hate physics departments because they always want to spend money on oscilloscopes or particle accelerators or something. They prefer maths departments because they only need paper, pencils and a bin. And they love philosophy departments because they don't need the bin.

Where I was (Biology Departments) they liked us because most had grants and they got about 50% overhead on the amount of the grants.

 

[nsaspook]

Sources, we don't need no stinking sources.

 

[JT Smith]

I get why they want to give priority seating to overweight people, but why for Jedi Knights and Vaudeville acts?

 

[jtbell]

Did you hear about the New Orleans couple who named their daughter after their state?

Louise E. Ana

 

[DrGreg]

Al Obama
Al Asker
Harry Zoner
R. Ken Saw
Della Wear
Florrie Da
Georgia
Ida Ho
I. O'Wa
Ken Tucky
Louis Z. Ana
Mary Land
Mich Egan
Minnie Soter
Mrs. Hippy
Nev Ada
O. Hio
O. Clahomer
Penn Silvania
U. Ta
Virginia
Y. O'Ming

 

[BillTre]

 

[Swamp Thing]

There is another four letter word I really miss in other languages: "doch". The Hungarians say "de igen" (but, yes) and in English it would probably be "oh yes." It stands for "I contradict what you have said and restate what I have said." What an effort if only four letters would do: doch! "Yes" alone doesn't transport enough contradiction.

" 'Doch' and 'though' are cognates, right?"

"No, they aren't!"

"They are, though!"

 

[Ibix]

Did you hear about the New Orleans couple who named their daughter after their state?

Louise E. Ana

"Where's your wife from?"

"Alaska."

"Don't worry, I'll ask 'er myself."

 

[DrGreg]

"Where's your wife from?"

"Alaska."

"Don't worry, I'll ask 'er myself."

This starts with a very well known one:

"My wife's gone to the West Indies."​

"Jamaica?"​

"No, she went of her own accord."​

"My wife's gone to Indonesia."​

"Jakarta?"​

"No, she went by plane."​

"My wife’s also been to Oslo."​

"Norway?"​

"Yes, way!"​

(Dozens more "my wife..." jokes at https://mumblingnerd.com/2011/01/11/my-wifes-gone-to/ )

 

[DaveC426913]

(Dozens more "my wife..." jokes at https://mumblingnerd.com/2011/01/11/my-wifes-gone-to/ )

Man, that guy's wife really gets around...

 

[BillTre]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[nsaspook]

Why does Commander Data wear a gold uniform and not a red one?

 

[Ibix]

Why does Commander Data wear a gold uniform and not a red one?
View attachment 341182
View attachment 341183

Because he hasn't done a proper statistical analysis. Gold shirts have low absolute casualties, but a much higher mortality rate than red shirts.

 

[phinds]

Why does Commander Data wear a gold uniform and not a red one?
View attachment 341182

Presumably for the same reason that Jim is wearing one in this pic.

 

[nsaspook]

Presumably for the same reason that Jim is wearing one in this pic.

We know, there's something about a man in Gold uniform.

 

[DaveC426913]

Because he hasn't done a proper statistical analysis. Gold shirts have low absolute casualties, but a much higher mortality rate than red shirts.

Yeah. Some guy went through every ep and counted. Statistically, it is much more lethal to be a gold shirt than a red shirt.

 

[nsaspook]

Yeah. Some guy went through every ep and counted. Statistically, it is much more lethal to be a gold shirt than a red shirt.

As they say in Star Fleet, it's not all the mission episodes that get you killed, it's one you're on during this episode.

 

[WWGD]

Also, be sure the take the stick out of your butt.

He's just a really uptight guy.

 

[WWGD]

I tried to climb up a tall tower in Paris, but Eiffel off.

 

[Orodruin]

 

[jack action]

Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don't have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but not tipfinger.

 

[jtbell]

I tried to climb up a tall tower in Paris, but Eiffel off.

That’s why my wife and I did the tour Montparnasse instead, when we were in Paris 30 years ago. We could stay safely inside. It also gives a good view of that other tower.

 

[berkeman]

My kids...

 

[jtbell]

"I hear old Macdonald's farm has been taken over by artificial intelligence."

"AI?"

"AI."

"Oh."

 

[DrClaude]

Al Obama
Al Asker
Harry Zoner
R. Ken Saw
Della Wear
Florrie Da
Georgia
Ida Ho
I. O'Wa
Ken Tucky
Louis Z. Ana
Mary Land
Mich Egan
Minnie Soter
Mrs. Hippy
Nev Ada
O. Hio
O. Clahomer
Penn Silvania
U. Ta
Virginia
Y. O'Ming

Cal E. Fornia

 

[dextercioby]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[topsquark]

Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don't have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but not tipfinger.

Have you actually tried to tipfinger?

-Dan

 

[nsaspook]

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 341262

If that sign is on highway I-26 near Hendersonville NC, I drove past it this afternoon on my way home from a weekend trip.

And yes, there is a bat cave near Bat Cave NC. It's in a preserve, not open to the public, in order to protect the bats that live there. At least, that's the official story...

 

[Borg]

From SNL last weekend - A woman’s age is like a speed limit: ignore it unless you are in a school zone.

If only more people drove the way that they lie about their age.

 

[WWGD]

If that sign is on highway I-26 near Hendersonville NC, I drove past it this afternoon on my way home from a weekend trip.

And yes, there is a bat cave near Bat Cave NC. It's in a preserve, not open to the public, in order to protect the bats that live there. At least, that's the official story...

Do they have both aluminum and wood? A friend of mine had sn old one signed by Ted Williams, I think.

 

[berkeman]

 

[Orodruin]

 

[nsaspook]

Google launches $5m prize to find actual uses for quantum computers

Brisket smoker.
Beer cooler.
Electric space heater.

Hey Google, where's my $5m?

 

[jtbell]

And yes, there is a bat cave near Bat Cave NC.

There's even a Batmobile:

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

Walmart had to recall 50,000 wax paper milk containers from their stores so they could change the notice near the top from "open here" to "open at home".

 

[Borg]

View attachment 341342

I filed mine electronically so I had to settle for sending them a data dump.

 

[BillTre]