Collection of Lame Jokes

[Lancelot59]

lololololol...STOP! I'm eating

Nom nom nom? Or Mon Mon Mon?

 

[HeLiXe]

LOLOL
http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/6/3/heymon128570287966392236.jpg

 

[Lancelot59]

I meant mon mon mon as in vomiting because you said you were eating...

But that dog was hilarious.

 

[HeLiXe]

Yeah I knew what you meant, but it reminded me of "hey mon" hence the dog there.

and really I was eating and totally about to barf !

 

[Lancelot59]

But I do wonder if people actually do eat feces...

 

[HeLiXe]

Well actually they do...some even for medicinal purposes, like in the ayurveda. There is even cow urine in a can like a soft drink called gau jal!

 

[Lancelot59]

Well actually they do...some even for medicinal purposes, like in the ayurveda. There is even cow urine in a can like a soft drink called gau jal!

How is that sanitary?

 

[HeLiXe]

They boil it?

 

[Lancelot59]

IDEA! Poop cakes with urea icing!

 

[HeLiXe]

Why is there no barf emoticon on PF?http://www.bostonsportsmedia.net/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/puke.gif

 

[Lancelot59]

The throw up emoticon got thrown out.

Get it? We do have this one:

 

[HeLiXe]

Well one man's waste is another man's food...or something like that...

 

[Borek]

How is that sanitary?

Urine is surprisingly sterile, unless you happen to have UTI.

 

[Lancelot59]

Urine is surprisingly sterile, unless you happen to have UTI.

I guess.

 

[Martin Rattigan]

Q: What has seven eyes but can't see?

A: Three blind mice and half a sheep's head.

 

[M.Alastair]

1. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.


2. A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


3. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."


4. What's brown and sticky? A stick.


5. Why are proctologists so gloomy?
They always have the end in sight.


6. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Roamin' Catholic.


7. What did the apple say to the orange?
Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.


8. What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
Take him out for a drag.


9. Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.


10. Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?"

 

[HeLiXe]

A: Three blind mice and half a sheep's head.

Ahhhh...more esoteric cuisine!

 

[mollymae]

We have to go to the veterinarian. (Why?) Because *flex biceps* these pythons are sick!

 

[Tianman]

Hydrogen Atoms (JK)

Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street,
One says to the other:

"Damn! I lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?"

"Im Positive"

 

[HeLiXe]

*snickers*

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The Russian spies arrested were doing everything they could to fit in as Americans. In fact, for two weeks, they even pretended to like soccer!
- David Letterman

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Senator Sessions: Ms. Kagan, where were you on Christmas?

Kagan starts to respond in terms of the failed Christmas day bombing.

Sessions: No, I was simply where you were on Christmas.

Kagan: Well, Senator, like most Jews, I was having dinner in a Chinese restaurant.

 

[Borg]

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?

George Carlin

 

[Lancelot59]

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Well since you set out to fail in the first place, you would've failed.

 

[GeorginaS]

Senator Sessions: Ms. Kagan, where were you on Christmas?

Kagan starts to respond in terms of the failed Christmas day bombing.

Sessions: No, I was simply where you were on Christmas.

Kagan: Well, Senator, like most Jews, I was having dinner in a Chinese restaurant.

I saw that on The Daily Show and laughed really loud.

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?

George Carlin

If you have to ask...

 

[GeorginaS]

Q: What has seven eyes but can't see?

A: Three blind mice and half a sheep's head.

1. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.


2. A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


3. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."


4. What's brown and sticky? A stick.


5. Why are proctologists so gloomy?
They always have the end in sight.


6. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Roamin' Catholic.


7. What did the apple say to the orange?
Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.


8. What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
Take him out for a drag.


9. Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.


10. Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?"

Oh, okay, ouch from laughing!

 

[Borg]

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk I have a work station...

 

[Pattonias]

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk I have a work station...

I find my work station is often where my work stops as well.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

I love my home computer, but I'm sleeping with the one at work.

 

[Borg]

Out in the backwoods of some midwestern state, little Johnny arrives at school an hour late.

Teacher: "Why are you so late, John?"
Johny: "My big brother got shot in the as*."
(The teacher corrects his speech.)
Teacher: "Rectum."
Johnny: "Wrecked him!? Hell, It damn near killed him!"

 

[Ivan Seeking]

My father taught me everything I know about sex. Luckily, he was a gentle man.

 

[HeLiXe]

>_< I could have done without that one. *vomits*

 

[drizzle]

Is this a joke!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Yeah, it's one of those jokes that make you cringe!

 

[Borek]

Sister to brother: "you are better than Dad in bed". "I know, Mom told me".

 

[nobahar]

"The Prime Minister is going on a tour of the friendly countries, expected back tomorrow."
Paraphrased from The Two Ronnies, mentioned on the Rob Brydon Show the other night.
I'm sure there's a slight alteration that can be made for the American President there somewhere...

 

[FrancisZ]

SAY! Did you hear the one about the 2 peanuts that got on the subway? One of them was assaulted! Waka Waka!

 

[FrancisZ]

1. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.

Damn...beat me to the punch...line.

 

[Upisoft]

After having some fun reading this thread https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=439253" I've remembered an old joke. It is probably not original, but localized version (I live in Bulgaria).

During archeological excavations in Greece they found a piece of copper wire. Archeologists concluded that ancient Greeks must had telephone for communication. The archeologists in UK then made discovery in their excavation. it was a piece of glass fiber. The conclusion was that the ancient inhabitants of the island were using fiber-optic digital communications. Finally the archeologists in Bulgaria decided to search for clues. After many years they found nothing. The conclusion was that the ancient Bulgarians were much more advanced and they have used wireless technology.

 

[xunxine]

Got this via email:
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HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the Accounts Department.

If they are recounting them.
Put them in Auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in Engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in Planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in Operations.

If they are sleeping.
Put them in Security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in Information Technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in Human Resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in Sales.

If they have already left for the day.
Put them in Marketing.

If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on Strategic Planning.

And then last but not least...

If they are standing around talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

 

[mugaliens]

a piece of string walks into a bar.

the bar tender says "Hey you, string! get out of here! we don't serve string in this bar!" so the string walks outside into the alley, ties himself into a knot and frays his ends up as much as he can.

he walks back into the bar.

the bartender says "hey! aren't you that piece of string?!"

the string replies "nope, frayed knot!"

 

[nino508]

i just had to create an account here cos i laughed so much when i read some of these jokes lol

 

[Lancelot59]

i just had to create an account here cos i laughed so much when i read some of these jokes lol

That's a good a reason as any I guess. Welcome to the forums.

 

[nino508]

That's a good a reason as any I guess. Welcome to the forums.

haha thanks
i'll try thinking of the lames jokes i know xD

 

[HeLiXe]

Welcome nino

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Politicians are like baby diapers - they have to be changed often, and for the same reason.

 

[mugaliens]

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

 

[The legend]

Politicians are like baby diapers - they have to be changed often, and for the same reason.

 

[HeLiXe]

 

[NobodySpecial]

Management training interview questions.

1, How do you get a giraffe into a fridge?
Open the door - sometimes the answer is simple

2, How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
First remove the giraffe - remember that previous decisions have consequences

3, The lion king holds a meeting of all the animals, who is missing
The elephant - remember you left him in the fridge, memory is useful for managers.

4, You have to cross a river, how do you avoid being eaten by crocodiles?
Easy, the crocodiles are all at the meeting - if you hold too many meetings nothing gets done.

In tests, 90% of management trainees got no questions right.
However many kindergarten pupils got some of them right.
Anderson consulting publicized this result as scientific proof that managers are NOT like 4 year olds!