Collection of Lame Jokes

[nismaratwork]

Guy says: "Sir, I realize this is only a formality, but I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."

The father replies: "Where did you get the idea that it was only a formality?"

Guy says: "From the Lamaze instructor."

 

[HarryA]

A couple of old Bell Labs jokes.

Engineer's definition of a mad scientist:
"A physicist that has just been referred to
as an engineer"

Physicist rebuke:
"You can make an engineer out of a physicist
but you can not make a physicist out of an engineer;
it's an irreversible process"

{how do you get your profile picture to show up here?}

 

[M Grandin]

Guy says: "Sir, I realize this is only a formality, but I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."

The father replies: "Where did you get the idea that it was only a formality?"

Guy says: "From the Lamaze instructor."

Guy says: "Sir, I realize this is only a formality, but I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."

The father replies: "How do you know I am her father?"

 

[Borek]

{how do you get your profile picture to show up here?}

Avatars are a contributors perk.

https://www.physicsforums.com/payments.php

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Bob: Now what am I going to do? I'm a dead man!

Joe: And let me be the first to say that you were a great man; and dibs on your wife.

 

[Lisa!]

[PLAIN]http://cdn.imgfave.com/image_cache/129506820864302.png

 

[FlexGunship]

shintzel walkes into a bar, mounge says Y the long face, get it cause u got a long face

I can't believe this went unnoticed. I laughed really hard at this one and it had NOTHING to do with the incomprehensible pseudo-joke contained somewhere within it's grammatical bowels.

 

[FlexGunship]

My girlfriend has been talking about losing some weight (something I find unnecessary).

Me: "Well, you might as well start buying your clothes in smaller sizes then."
Her: "Tru dat!"
Me: "Werd! Muh b!tch be droppin' pounds like a clumsy Englishman."

I love her because she got my lame joke and laughed at it.

 

[nismaratwork]

My girlfriend has been talking about losing some weight (something I find unnecessary).

Me: "Well, you might as well start buying your clothes in smaller sizes then."
Her: "Tru dat!"
Me: "Werd! Muh b!tch be droppin' pounds like a clumsy Englishman."

I love her because she got my lame joke and laughed at it.

There's no element of that I don't enjoy, except that there are CHAVs who would take that at face value.

 

[FlexGunship]

I hope y'all don't mind if I reinvent the "lame joke" here. Back in college, my friends and I used to tell "defused jokes." They were jokes which had... unexpected outcomes. We would get them from everywhere! Here goes:

• How many jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
• Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and another to hold the ladder so he doesn't hurt himself.

• What's tall, green, and has a 300hp engine?
• A tree. I lied about the engine.

• Three ducks walk into a bar. Animal control is called promptly, and they are safely released back into a local pond.

• Did you hear the one about the priest, the minister, and the rabbi?
• They were celebrating religious equality.

• How do you confuse a blond?
• Wear a gorilla suit, kick soccer balls at her, and yell contradicting statements.

• What do a falcon and a gopher have in common?
• They both live underground. Except for the falcon.

• Why did the blond get fired from the car dealership?
• Habitual tardiness and a poor sales record.

• Why does Michael J. Fox make the best vodka martinis?
• Because he uses the best possible ingredients.

• A man walks into a bar.
• His alcoholism is ruining his family.

Here are some great knock-knock jokes!

• Knock knock.
• Come in.

• Knock knock.
• Who's there?
• Dave.
• Dave who?
• Dave broke down in tears because he's grandmother's Alzheimer's had advanced to the degree that she no longer recognized her eldest grandson.

• Knock knock.
• Who's there?
• UPS. I have a package for I.C. Weiner.
• Oh dear. I'm afraid you have the wrong house. They're next door. The numbering on the mailboxes is actually terribly confusing on this street.
• Thank you so much! My apologies for the disruption.
• Think nothing of it.

My personal favorite defused joke of allllll time! (Can't take credit for this one.)

• What's red and smells like blue paint?
• Spoiler

  Red paint.

 

[DevilsAvocado]

Knock knock.
Why are you firing all the jokes at once?
A flexible gun on a ship is hard to handle.

:P

 

[DevilsAvocado]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
DaveC426913

 

[dkotschessaa]

How many boring people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

 

[dkotschessaa]

Ok, this falls outside the category of "lame jokes" and into "Stupid video I found on youtube."

Hitler learns topology:

(Embedding disabled for this video. You have to click the link. sorry)

 

[FlexGunship]

Guy goes to the bar and has a little too much to drink. In his drunken stupor he inadvertently pukes all over his own shirt.

He walks up to the bartender and slurs: "Ugh, umma ded man! When muh wife seez dis, sheez gunna kill me!"

The bartender says: "No, she won't. Listen, pal, do you have ten dollars?"

Guy says: "Yuh, fur wat?"

Bartender says: "Go home, tell her some guy at the bar got too drunk and puked on your shirt and he gave you ten bucks to get it dry cleaned."

Guy say: "Yura geenyus! Dat'll werk purfektly!"

So the guy goes home, and his wife is instantly livid! She yells: "For the love of-- What happened to your shirt?"

Guy, still a little drunk, says: "Well, some bozo at duh bar got a little too drunk, an' he puked on muh shirt! He gave me ten bucks to get it cleaned."

The wife looks at him and says: "This is a twenty."

Guy says: "Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention... he also crapped in my pants."

 

[FlexGunship]

Do you think Wikileaks knows Victoria's Secret?

 

[nismaratwork]

Guy goes to the bar and has a little too much to drink. In his drunken stupor he inadvertently pukes all over his own shirt.

He walks up to the bartender and slurs: "Ugh, umma ded man! When muh wife seez dis, sheez gunna kill me!"

The bartender says: "No, she won't. Listen, pal, do you have ten dollars?"

Guy says: "Yuh, fur wat?"

Bartender says: "Go home, tell her some guy at the bar got too drunk and puked on your shirt and he gave you ten bucks to get it dry cleaned."

Guy say: "Yura geenyus! Dat'll werk purfektly!"

So the guy goes home, and his wife is instantly livid! She yells: "For the love of-- What happened to your shirt?"

Guy, still a little drunk, says: "Well, some bozo at duh bar got a little too drunk, an' he puked on muh shirt! He gave me ten bucks to get it cleaned."

The wife looks at him and says: "This is a twenty."

Guy says: "Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention... he also crapped in my pants."

On a theme...

-"things are quiet until hitler decides he'd like to invade russia
so, he does
the russians are like "OMG WT[Hell] D00DZ, STOP TKING"
and the germans are still like "omg ph34r n00bz"
the russians fall back, all the way to moscow
and then they all begin h4xing, which brings on the russian winter
the germans are like "wt[hell], h4x"
-- WW2 for the l33t "

 

[FlexGunship]

On a theme...

Nismar... it was drunk-speak, not 1337-speek.

(Not a typo.)

 

[WhoWee]

Do you think Wikileaks knows Victoria's Secret?

Intimately

 

[nismaratwork]

Nismar... it was drunk-speak, not 1337-speek.

(Not a typo.)

I know, but between that and, "Hitler", I figured that was the best segue I could hope for.

WhoWee: Her secret?... bulemia. *shiver* oooooh sexy... oh yeah... puke for me! I love it when you erode your esophagus and strain your endocrine system like that, of **** yes!
Oh, and 'Spanx'.

 

[DevilsAvocado]

Do you think Wikileaks knows Victoria's Secret?

You mean like leaking/diapers?

 

[lisab]

Do you think Wikileaks knows Victoria's Secret?

Yes, but Victoria doesn't realize it - she was sleeping at the time.

 

[nismaratwork]

@DA & LisaB:

 

[DevilsAvocado]

Yes, but Victoria doesn't realize it - she was sleeping at the time.

With her diapers on..???

 

[nismaratwork]

With her diapers on..???

Well... better in a diaper than a bed I suppose...

Where's that "vomiting" smiley when I need it?!

 

[DevilsAvocado]

ewwww vomit!

 

[nismaratwork]

THAT'S the one; thanks DA.

 

[DevilsAvocado]

THAT'S the one; thanks DA.

I do anything for you honey!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Last night I got a fortune cookie that said "Now is the time to get in touch with your feminine side".

I asked my wife what she thought, but she was against the idea. I whine and complain too much already.

 

[DevilsAvocado]

Last night Sarah Palin got a fortune cookie that said "Now is the time to get in touch with your masculine side".

Sarah asked her husband Todd what he thought, but he was against the idea and said: – Honey, you’ve already got that prefect mix of brutality and violence.

 

[nismaratwork]

Last night Sarah Palin got a fortune cookie that said "Now is the time to get in touch with your masculine side".

Sarah asked her husband Todd what he thought, but he was against the idea and said: – Honey, you’ve already got that prefect mix of brutality and violence.

 

[DevilsAvocado]

 

[GeorginaS]

Guy goes to the bar and has a little too much to drink. In his drunken stupor he inadvertently pukes all over his own shirt.

He walks up to the bartender and slurs: "Ugh, umma ded man! When muh wife seez dis, sheez gunna kill me!"

The bartender says: "No, she won't. Listen, pal, do you have ten dollars?"

Guy says: "Yuh, fur wat?"

Bartender says: "Go home, tell her some guy at the bar got too drunk and puked on your shirt and he gave you ten bucks to get it dry cleaned."

Guy say: "Yura geenyus! Dat'll werk purfektly!"

So the guy goes home, and his wife is instantly livid! She yells: "For the love of-- What happened to your shirt?"

Guy, still a little drunk, says: "Well, some bozo at duh bar got a little too drunk, an' he puked on muh shirt! He gave me ten bucks to get it cleaned."

The wife looks at him and says: "This is a twenty."

Guy says: "Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention... he also crapped in my pants."

Okay, I laughed out loud.

 

[mugaliens]

Yes, but Victoria doesn't realize it - she was sleeping at the time.

Ok, you may have issues, although you may not be regretting them. I dunno, you tell us. Or not. (shrugs)

In the meantime...

 

[mugaliens]

Last night Sarah Palin got a fortune cookie that said "Now is the time to get in touch with your masculine side".

Sarah asked her husband Todd what he thought, but he was against the idea and said: – Honey, you’ve already got that prefect mix of brutality and violence.

She might actually agree with you!

I think she'd be gentle, though. :)

 

[dkotschessaa]

Q. How many people with A.D.D. does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Hey, want to go for a bike ride?

 

[FlexGunship]

A wife walks up to her husband and says: "I want a divorce; I'm going to become a hooker. I just found out I can get paid $400 for what I give to you for free!"

The husband responds: "Well, I'm coming with you, I want to see you live off of $800 a year."

 

[FlexGunship]

A brunette, a blonde, and a red-head are in 3rd grade. Who has the biggest boobs?

The blond; she's 18.

 

[FlexGunship]

Taking a big risk on this one! Please don't hate me, girls/women! It's just a joke!

Did you know beer has female hormones in it? Yeah, if you drink enough of it you start spouting emotional gibberish, you complain a lot, you don't understand complex things, and you drive really poorly.<awaits the flame>

 

[WhoWee]

taking a big risk on this one! Please don't hate me, girls/women! It's just a joke!

Did you know beer has female hormones in it? Yeah, if you drink enough of it you start spouting emotional gibberish, you complain a lot, you don't understand complex things, and you drive really poorly.


<awaits the flame>

...man overboard...

 

[FlexGunship]

...man overboard...

[URL]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v172/aujourdhui/GIFs/cookiemonster.gif[/URL]

 

[FlexGunship]

...man overboard...

[URL]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v172/aujourdhui/GIFs/cookiemonster.gif[/URL]

 

[Lancelot59]

Taking a big risk on this one! Please don't hate me, girls/women! It's just a joke!

Did you know beer has female hormones in it? Yeah, if you drink enough of it you start spouting emotional gibberish, you complain a lot, you don't understand complex things, and you drive really poorly.


<awaits the flame>

I laughed. Also, the cookie monster wins!

 

[FlexGunship]

I laughed. Also, the cookie monster wins!

Good, I was afraid I did something wrong... like this guy...

[URL]http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/510511/gatoradehockey_medium.gif[/URL]

 

[Lancelot59]

Good, I was afraid I did something wrong... like this guy...

[URL]http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/510511/gatoradehockey_medium.gif

[/URL]

Don't start feeling safe yet. None of the women have commented yet.

 

[FlexGunship]

Don't start feeling safe yet. None of the women have commented yet.

Uh oh...

[URL]http://i143.photobucket.com/albums/r143/v_happylurker21/GIF%20and%20Macros/ray.gif[/URL]

Sorry, that's the last one. I'm getting bandwidth heavy on you 1992-vintage 28k modem users!

 

[jtbell]

Rudi looks out the window of his Moscow apartment and says to his wife "Honey ! It's going to rain." The wife disagrees, on account of the bright sun and no clouds. Nevertheless, it starts to pour in a few minutes. The baffled wife askes Rudi how he knew.

Comes the reply, "Rudolf, the Red knows rain, dear !"

The version of this joke that I know dates to before the fall of the Berlin Wall and the Iron Curtain. The guy lived in West Berlin but always watched the weather forecast on East German TV, delivered by a reporter named Rudolf.

 

[nismaratwork]

Many people have oral issues, and especially... the dreaded drinking problem.

 

[FlexGunship]

Many people have oral issues, and especially... the dreaded drinking problem.

 

[Galaxyman]

reaps the wonders of grain, **** Mountain Dew all hail Dr P