Collection of Lame Jokes

[256bits]

I went and got my car tested for the virus.

Yesterday it started hacking and coughing, and began to run a fever.

 

[Keith_McClary]

How to keep people away from me
Knew my Scottish heritage would come in handy one day

View attachment 259349

 

[WWGD]

Why we need to raise standards in college. Overheard:
"Do you know Newton's Second Law?"
"I'm a Science student, not a lawyer!".

 

[Keith_McClary]

 

[Keith_McClary]

https://xkcd.com/2285/

Mouseover: "Oh thank goodness, I forgot my clothes, so now everyone's looking embarrassed and backing away."

 

[Keith_McClary]

Rabbits Against Magic by Jonathan Lemon for March 25, 2020

 

[strangerep]

[Piping the haggis...]

Huh?

I don't get it. Is this a "haggis-and-fishes" miracle whereby that one little dish will feed the hundreds of people in that room?

Or is it that a haggis is more effective at repelling people (compared to bagpipes)?

 

[Keith_McClary]

Or is it that a haggis is more effective at repelling people (compared to bagpipes)?

Haggis and bagpipes combined, although the effect may be countered by the liquid refreshments usually served on this occasion.

 

[256bits]

There was this viral video too.
Reporter got the message.
https://www.cnn.com/travel/article/yellowstone-reporter-reaction-bison-herd-trnd/index.html

 

[jack action]

 

[mfb]

Coming with a free set of iGlasses.

 

[jack action]

Now that you're in isolation, are you realizing that you're not a social drinker, but a true alcoholic?

 

[Keith_McClary]

social drinker

That's why the liquor stores and pot shops are classified as "essential services".

 

[jack action]

This Week's Horoscope​

Aries:
You are going to spend time at home.

Taurus:
You are going to spend time at home.

Gemini:
You are going to spend time at home.

Cancer:
You are going to spend time at home.

Leo:
You are going to spend time at home.

Virgo:
You are going to spend time at home.

Libra:
You are going to spend time at home.

Scorpio:
You are going to spend time at home.

Sagittarius:
You are going to spend time at home.

Capricorn:
You are going to spend time at home.

Aquarius:
You are going to spend time at home.

Pisces:
You are going to spend time at home.

 

[WWGD]

Guy goes to therapy with his wife:
Therapist to guy: " Do you feel your wife controls you?"
Wife:" No, he doesn't!"

 

[davenn]

Wife: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective, we should split up.

Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way!

 

[WWGD]

Mike Tyson finally explained why he bit Evander Holyfield's ear in a boxing match in 1996:
"I thought it was Evander the Real _Meal_ Holyfield"

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

Entering New York City

 

[Keith_McClary]

View attachment 259685

Costco isn't allowing refunds on TP, sanitizer, etc.

The price gougers can hope for a gastrointestinal virus.

 

[jack action]

This confinement thing is officially RI-DI-CU-LOUS:

 

[WWGD]

The vendor in Paris had DeGaulle of trying to sell me a 2nd rate t-shirt and Eiffel for it. I can't remember the name in his tag but Quasimodo rings a bell...

 

[phinds]

 

[davenn]

Exterminate ...….

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Mark44]

I was in the bank today when two men wearing masks came in. One of them shouted, "Hands up, this is a robbery!"
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief...

 

[WWGD]

Lady at the bank approached the teller to find out about her balance. The teller gave her a slight push and she did not fall. "Your balance is OK".

 

[davenn]

I invented a surgical robot,

so far it only operates on batteries..

 

[davenn]

All those years ago Max and the Chief had it right

 

[Borg]

Someday, the phrase "2020 Hindsight" is going to have an entirely different meaning.

 

[gmax137]

First, I thought "what? no audio??" turns out, audio isn't necessary :)

 

[fresh_42]

First, I thought "what? no audio??" turns out, audio isn't necessary :)

My suspicion is since long that there are far more things common to us all than we normally expect there are.

 

[jtbell]

Inspired by another currently-ongoing thread:

 

[Ibix]

Inspired by another currently-ongoing thread:

View attachment 259940

In a similar vein, I have a tshirt with four cows sitting round a table playing Muuuus.

 

[Ibix]

I fancied going for a swim, but I wasn't sure when the local pool opened so I gave them a ring. "Is this the local pool?" I asked. "I dunno," he said. "Depends where you're calling from."

 

[Ibix]

I was just in the supermarket and I saw a guy buying three crates of San Miguel, 5 paellas and six sombreros. I thought "Hispanic buying."

 

[fresh_42]

I listened to two guys in the supermarket:
"Boss, I made a mistake and ordered too much washing powder."
"No problem. Hang on a sign: 'Only two packages a person'."

 

[mfb]

Great, yet another item where I now have to get a supply quickly before these panic buyers buy all of it!

 

[nuuskur]

View attachment 259756

oh that is dark

 

[jack action]

Yesterday, I was in a taxi, and I leaned forward to ask the driver a question and I touched his shoulder slightly to get his attention. The guy scream for his life, lost control of the car, almost hit a bus, got on the sidewalk to barely avoid a pole! «Are you crazy?» I said to him, while still shaking nervously.

- «I'm sorry, you really scared me», he replied.

- «I barely touched your shoulder!»

Still shook up, the driver told me: «It's my first day as a taxi driver. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.»

 

[Ibix]

Yesterday, I was in a taxi, and I leaned forward to ask the driver a question and I touched his shoulder slightly to get his attention. The guy scream for his life, lost control of the car, almost hit a bus, got on the sidewalk to barely avoid a pole!

I thought this was going to be a social distancing joke...

 

[jack action]

 

[Ibix]

How do you find Will Smith in falling snow?

Follow the fresh prints.

 

[jack action]

A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men gets out and goes into the office.

"I need some four-by-two's", he says.

"You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.

The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go check."

Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be acceptable.

"OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"

The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go check," he says.

He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, "we're building a house".

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 259685

I can imagine people using it to bet on card games. "I bet a quarter, 2.5 tp's". " Too rich for my blood, I am using the bidet!".

 

[WWGD]

Seems Chuck Norris caught Covid.

Covid 19 put on quaranteen.