DennisN
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(no words needed in this one 
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)Collection of Lame Jokes
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hmmm27
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My early 60's, apparently.WWGD said:
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Whatever you do, always give 100%.
Unless you're donating blood.
Unless you're donating blood.
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Sandi Toksvig told a story of a phone call from her son who had just gone away to university, asking if his red sweatshirt can go in the wash. She said "'I don't know darling, what does it say on it?' And he came back about five minutes later and said 'Manchester United'."phinds said:
I'll see if I can find the clip. The expression on her face at the end really sells it. Edit: Found it -
here at 4:12.
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When I was taking my Instructional Strategies class I was often told "Make sure you ask the question you want to have answered."phinds said:
-Dan
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Those are all good models. The engines purr like kittens!jtbell said:
-Dan
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256bits
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Deadpan jokes:
I asked my girlfriend when her birthday was.
she said march first.
I walked round the room and asked her again.
My friend had his whole left side bitten off by a shark.
Now a bit grumpy, but he is all right.
A burglar kicked in his own door.
He was working from home.
Better when they tell it.
I asked my girlfriend when her birthday was.
she said march first.
I walked round the room and asked her again.
My friend had his whole left side bitten off by a shark.
Now a bit grumpy, but he is all right.
A burglar kicked in his own door.
He was working from home.
Better when they tell it.
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I've just finished postgraduate study of the science of speed. I have been awarded an mphd.
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In Europe you would have needed a m/s first.
DennisN
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I got this lovely story from a friend recently :
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“A young man went to bed, kissed his wife and fell asleep.
Suddenly he woke up and saw an elderly man in a white robe standing next to the bed.
- Who are you and what are you doing in my bedroom?
- I am Saint Peter and you are not in your bedroom, said the man.
- Huh!? Do you mean I'm dead? I am so young, said the man. Send me back to my wife at once!
- It is not that simple, said Saint Peter. You only have two chances to get back to Earth. The first is like a dog...
- Like a dog? the man exclaimed. No, it doesn't suit me. What is the other possibility?
- It is to come back as a hen, answered the Lord.
- Okay, let me be a hen! the man decided.
Said and done. The young man turned into a beautiful hen and found himself back on Earth, in a henhouse. Soon he felt a strange sensation in his behind.
- I'm going to explode, he thought. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Then a rooster came up to him.
- You must be the new hen that Saint Peter told about. How does your new life feel? he asked the hen.
- Pretty good, but I have such a strange feeling, as if I'm going to explode, answered the man.
- Yes, laughed the rooster, you must lay an egg!
- And how do I do it? I have never laid an egg!
- You crow twice and then you push as long as you can. So do all the other hens, explained the rooster.
The man crowed twice and pushed as hard as he could and an egg came out!
- It went well! I'll do it again, the man thought. He crowed again and pushed, and out came another egg.
And because it felt so good, he did it one more time. As he crowed, he suddenly heard a voice:
- Henry, wake up, goddamnit, you're pooping all over our bed!
"
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“A young man went to bed, kissed his wife and fell asleep.
Suddenly he woke up and saw an elderly man in a white robe standing next to the bed.
- Who are you and what are you doing in my bedroom?
- I am Saint Peter and you are not in your bedroom, said the man.
- Huh!? Do you mean I'm dead? I am so young, said the man. Send me back to my wife at once!
- It is not that simple, said Saint Peter. You only have two chances to get back to Earth. The first is like a dog...
- Like a dog? the man exclaimed. No, it doesn't suit me. What is the other possibility?
- It is to come back as a hen, answered the Lord.
- Okay, let me be a hen! the man decided.
Said and done. The young man turned into a beautiful hen and found himself back on Earth, in a henhouse. Soon he felt a strange sensation in his behind.
- I'm going to explode, he thought. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Then a rooster came up to him.
- You must be the new hen that Saint Peter told about. How does your new life feel? he asked the hen.
- Pretty good, but I have such a strange feeling, as if I'm going to explode, answered the man.
- Yes, laughed the rooster, you must lay an egg!
- And how do I do it? I have never laid an egg!
- You crow twice and then you push as long as you can. So do all the other hens, explained the rooster.
The man crowed twice and pushed as hard as he could and an egg came out!
- It went well! I'll do it again, the man thought. He crowed again and pushed, and out came another egg.
And because it felt so good, he did it one more time. As he crowed, he suddenly heard a voice:
- Henry, wake up, goddamnit, you're pooping all over our bed!
"
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You forgot:jtbell said:
The Groundhog Paradox
Groundhog vs. Kong
No Groundhog to Die
Lepregroundhog
A Groundhog on Elm Street
Hallowgroundhog
Irongroundhog
Groundhog: Revolutions
Star Wars: The Groundhog Strikes Back
Groundhograiser
and my personal favorite:
Don't Drive Angry
-Dan