Collection of Lame Jokes

[jimmy p]

ROFLCOPTERS! This one deserves a 3x3!

ROFLCOPTERS at ROFLCOPTERS! Have a 3x3 for yourself!






I'm going to have to use roflcopters in as many conversations as I can now.

Have you heard about the latest male contraceptive pill?
You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

 

[Mk]

Yeah, somebody vandalized a Wikipedia article, the rofl one, and it said that roflburgers and roflcopters are meant to be super-rofl's.

Roh-fuhl-copters (as in helicopters)

Ha, now I say it.

 

[jimmy p]

What is black and brown and looks great on a lawyer?

A Doberman.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you hear about the iron worker who walked into a bar?

Or did I tell that one already?

 

[Mk]

Ay! Ivan! Where's your Oppenhimer and Kaku quotes?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

on gas station restroom walls, all over Oregon.

 

[Mattara]

Some computer users require a bit of hand holding. Others deserve to have them cut off and stuffed up their... well...

Once upon a time I was doing a support call -

"... Ok, now type cd space..."

sounds heard from the user: "click click, clickclickclickclickclick"

"... um, excuse me sir, what did you just type?"

"cd space."

"... nononononono, space BAR, space BAR!"

"ahhh. clickclickclick."

"... nononononNONO!, the space bar! that big horizontal thing at the bottom middle of the keyboard! Hit delete."

"ahh. Why? How will delete help?"

"It'll abort what you just typed. Just hit it."

"Click. OK."

"... Great, now type ... cd ... SPACEBAR..."

Lots of clicking noises, I decided to ignore for the nonce...

"... slash"

"Slash?"

"... yes, it's the key below the question mark."

"Ah... "

"... and hit return."

:silence: "click click click click click click"

"Noooo! Noooo! the return key! the return *key*!"

"I don't have a return key."

"Alright, ENTER, then."

"Enter what?"

:under my breath: "the gates of hell." "The ENTER key, hit it please."

"Ah. Hokay, it says file not found."

"What?! - listen, what do you do there at XYZ Inc?"

"I am system administrator for whole network."

"Do you have a secretary or someone there I could talk to?
You see, we've got another couple hundred letters to type and I don't
have that kind of credit with Ma bell..."

I sent him a copy of typing tutor that day. FedEx. I then called in
sick for the rest of the week, hoping to avoid further blood pressure
problems.

Friday he called in, asks for me specifically. Seems he needed help
on getting typing tutor installed!

 

[BobG]

The only reason computer support staff have such a hard time is because computer software engineers don't know how to write good error messages. A good computer would provide an error haiku. Some examples:

Wind catches lily,
scattering petals to the ground.
Segmentation fault.


With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence
File not found.


First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.


You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.


Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, reboot.
Order shall return.


Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.


No keyboard present.
Press F1 to continue.
Zen engineering.


Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you hear about the gay internet?

Just type C:[Enter]

 

[Mk]

Here's a good one I made myself:

If God had meant for man to count higher than 1,048,575, he would have given him more fingers and toes.

 

[Mattara]

What does a lemon strapped to a wheel look like? A car!

 

[star.torturer]

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

very popular with windows

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

http://www.rickyseabra.com/windows_haiku.html

Did you hear about the fish that went deaf?
He had to buy a herring-aid.

What did one teddy bear say to the other teddy bear when he offered him some dessert?
No thanks, I'm stuffed.

i could bring an end to this topic, by posting this link http://rinkworks.com/jokes/

@MK: oh but what about 12345678910, that's easy to count using your fingers

 

[wolram]

I can never remember jokes, where any of these funny?

 

[Physics_wiz]

Why did the monkey fall off the tree?

Because it was dead.

 

[siddharth]

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

 

[Rach3]

What's so funny about the first derivative of:

f(x)=\frac{r^3}{3}

In white:

f'(x)= (3r^2)/3*dr = r^2 dr = r r dr = r dr r

(From The Simpsons, episode number 2)

That's not a derivative, that's a differential.

 

[Rach3]

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

Short cut.

 

[t!m]

That reminds me of a combined joke...

1.)Why did the elephant paint its testicles red?

To hide in the cherry tree

2.)What is the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries.

Which reminds me of ...

1) How do you get an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open the door, put him in, close the door.

2) How do you get a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.

3) The jungle has a meeting, who doesn't attend?
The giraffe, he's still in the refrigerator.

4) How do you cross a river inhabited by snakes?
Walk (or swim) right through it; all the snakes are at the meeting.

In retrospect ... I'm not even sure that was a joke.

 

[Mattara]

2) How do you get a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.

You chop of its head

 

[Schrodinger's Dog]

Favourite bad jokes of all time:-

What did Hitler say to his men before they got in their tanks?

Men get in your tanks.

-----

How do you make gold soup?

add 24 carrots/carats.

-----

Why are their no asparin in the jungle?

Because the parots eat 'em all (paracetemol)

-----

Can't get enough of Christmas cracker classics.

 

[JamesU]

^^Those are terrible

 

[star.torturer]

FOR THE ENGLISH!
what is brown, and comes out of cows bacwards?

the southampto ferry

(cows to Cowes)


there are 2 fish in a tank,
1 says to the other-

how do you drive this thing

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The latest study of the new "Viagra for women" indicates that indeed, four out of five woman taking the drug can fake it more effectively.

 

[NoTime]

... A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang.
When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there.
The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again.
When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again.
It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.
He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds.
He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said,
"Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."

 

[jcsd]

One of my all time favs

Two Romans standing in Alps circa 218 BC

1st Roman: "look a flock of elephants!"

2nd Roman: "Herd"

1st Roman: "Herd of what?"

2nd Roman: "Herd of elephants"

1st Roman: "Yes of course, there's a flock of them over there!"

 

[Schrodinger's Dog]

One of my all time favs

Two Romans standing in Alps circa 218 BC

1st Roman: "look a flock of elephants!"

2nd Roman: "Herd"

1st Roman: "Herd of what?"

2nd Roman: "Herd of elephants"

1st Roman: "Yes of course, there's a flock of them over there!"

I laughed at that.

English joke correction or is it different, what's brown and steams out of cows, the Isle of Wight Ferry.

 

[mbrmbrg]

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

****

A frog's in line at the bank when the next teller, Ms P. Flack, calls, "Next please!" So the frog hops over and explains that he'd like a loan. Startled, Ms Flack replies, "But you're a frog!" So the frog answers, "Look, lady, my dad's Mick Jagger, can't we work something out?" The teller draws on all of her PC skills and says, "Well... To start with, you'll need some form of collateral." So the frogs pulls out a little glass elephant and plunks it on the counter. Completely out of her depth, Ms Flack asks the frog to accompany her to the manager's office. Showing the manager the elephant, the teller asks, "What is this supposed to be?" Replies the manager, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Flack. Give the frog a loan--his old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

[Ivan Seeking]

You know they call it the gubernatorial race. Well now I'm the goober.
Schwarzenegger impersonator:

I'm more nervous than Dick Cheney's best hunting dog.
Clinton impersonator:

We're making a lot of progress in the technological advances. As you know, there are a lot of cars now that run on vegetable oil. And so, I propose we open up Alaska to drill for vegetables. If they're there, we need to get them.
Bush impersonator [Bridges]

KING: Why did you decide to use armed National Guardsmen to watch the border with Mexico?

BRIDGES: Because Dick Cheney wasn't available

...KING: Arnold Schwarzenegger has been on this show and it's always baffled me what kind of Republican is he? He's married to a Kennedy. Does that sound possible to you?

BRIDGES: I think it's great. I think it's great. It gives him perspective. I like Arnold. We both married up. You know why Maria fell in love with him, don't you?

KING: No.

BRIDGES: Arnold was the only boyfriend strong enough to carry Uncle Teddy home.

http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0610/31/lkl.01.html

 

[Math Is Hard]

A termite walks into a saloon and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

 

[Kurdt]

A termite walks into a saloon and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

Thats pretty lame considering I'm pretty sure termites don't worry whether their wood is tender or not.

Perhaps a termite wandering onto a set for a EDIT [perhaps that was a bit too adult]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Thats pretty lame considering I'm pretty sure termites don't worry whether their wood is tender or not.

Carpenter ants, like termites, tend to prefer wood that is partially decayed by wood rot. However, they will also attack perfectly sound wood as well.

http://www.mda.state.md.us/plants-pests/pesticide_regulation/pesticide_info_for_consumers/termites_ants.php

you obviously know nothing about the termite night life.

 

[Kurdt]

http://www.mda.state.md.us/plants-pests/pesticide_regulation/pesticide_info_for_consumers/termites_ants.php

you obviously know nothing about the termite night life.

I only wanted to say that to make the joke I thought of then I remembered i'd been to the pub so I better edit it.

 

[BobG]

Here's a good one I made myself:

If God had meant for man to count higher than 1,048,575, he would have given him more fingers and toes.

Hey, I just realized you didn't mean that as a compliment!

What do you get if you cross a mountain climber with a grape?








You can't! A mountain climber is a scalar!

 

[arildno]

Have you heard of the joke that was so lame that it humans to boredom would choke?

 

[humanino]

A researcher who searches, one can find.
But a researcher who finds, one can search.

 

[humanino]

% "How poorly would you rate the Unix (so-called) user interface?
Unmatched ".

% rm congressional-ethics
rm: congressional-ethics nonexistent

% ar m God
ar: God does not exist

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

%make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

% sh

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending

$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create

$ cat "can of food"
cat: cannot open can of food

credit

 

[quantumdude]

One day two horses are out running, and one horse always beats the other one. So the slower horse says to the faster one, "How is it that you always beat me?" and the faster horse says, "I don't know, I just take off and start running." So the slower horse asks the faster horse to run a few more races with him so he can figure out what he's doing wrong, and he obliges.

Meanwhile a dog is hanging out watching the whole thing, and he comes up to the two horses and says, "I've been watching you two for a while, and I can tell you why the outcome is always the same."

The two horses look at each other in astonishment and say, "Holy crap, a talking dog!"

 

[larkspur]

Women with large breasts work at Hooters. Where do women with one leg work?
>>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
IHOP

 

[Ivan Seeking]

There was a terrible fight between two cooks at the local Sharis. One beat the other half to death with a pepper grinder. Later, the offending cook was arrested for assault with pepper.

 

[Argentum Vulpes]

Did you know pirates can see in the dark. It's true because they have,

I, Arrrr.

 

[mbrmbrg]

What do you get if you cross a mountain climber with a grape?


You can't! A mountain climber is a scalar!

No!

 

[fourier jr]

Hey, I just realized you didn't mean that as a compliment!

What do you get if you cross a mountain climber with a grape?

You can't! A mountain climber is a scalar!

that reminds me of another one like that.

Q: what do you get when you cross a cow with a chicken?

A: |cow||chicken|sin\theta

 

[DyslexicHobo]

Progress (n.): a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage
If pro and con are opposites, then what does the word "congress" mean?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Progress (n.): a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage
If pro and con are opposites, then what does the word "congress" mean?

So that explaines it!

 

[DyslexicHobo]

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Answer: Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

 

[sas3]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on him.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

The tame way.


Sorry for that one. But you did same "Lame"

 

[fourier jr]

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Answer: Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

That's not a joke. I read a newspaper article outside a professor's office about someone who asked a bunch of business people those 4 questions at a big meeting of theirs and something like 90% of them got ALL the questions wrong. In contrast, most children got them all correct, which was what the article was about.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Yesterday Tsu called me down in the office to let me know that some parts had arrived from Mouser Electronics.
http://mouser.com/

I told her that they were for the cat.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Was it one of these, Ivan?
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/cordless-mouse.jpg

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/cordless-mouse.jpg

 

[sas3]

Three Indian women are sitting side by side. The first, sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second, sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 130 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus hide, weighs 300 pounds. What famous theorem does this illustrate?

Naturally, the answer is that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

It's lame and it's a science joke, Bonus!